CH 57: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

While neither of them had ended up in the papers for the next few weeks, unfortunately their hours had been just as busy. Hermione hadn't been in court, but she and Ron seemed to be working whenever the other one was free. But at least they had been able to trade off picking up Hugo and getting him to his new art classes. By late January, this was beginning to wear on all of them.

Hermione was sitting at her desk dejectedly staring at the stack of cases they had received since the start of the year. She sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing her hands over her forehead.

"Problem?" asked Nicola, who had just appeared in her doorway.

"Sorry, Nicola," Hermione sighed. "Just a bit overwhelmed by this new stack of cases. It feels a bit Sisyphean doesn't? The refugees keep coming. People keep treating them badly. We argue for them. We win some and lose some, but they keep coming. For as hard as we're working, do you think we're making any kind of difference?"

"Oh. You're in that kind of mood, huh?" her boss sighed plopping into the chair.

"Don't you ever get frustrated? Or wonder if you could be using your skills to prevent the problem instead fixing the side effects of the problem?"

"Sure. Every fucking day. But, if I didn't believe I was making a difference to each person I represent, then I would need to quit. It doesn't change the world. But it changes their world. I know it's ridiculously cliché to say that. But, it is why I keep coming in to slog through this nonsense every day."

Hermione just listened and nodded, but didn't say anything.

"You know, Hermione, you are the best lawyer in this practice. I know I'm technically the boss, but when it comes to legal minds, you are the tops. That said, if you are burned out – you really need to think about why. Life is both too long and too short to spend it not believing in what you do when we work as hard as we do."

Hermione was surprised to find herself tearing up. "I don't know anymore. I work and work and work and can't make a permanent change. I know each individual refugee deserves the best representation possible. But I just don't know anymore. And we work so much. I am hardly ever home. I miss Rose. I barely see Hugo and I have hardly seen Ron since the New Year. And next week it will be a year…." she said as she dissolved into tears.

"Ahhh. Right. I'd forgotten exactly when Dennis' accident was. So, next week, huh?"

Hermione sniffed and nodded as she tried to wipe her tears off her cheek. "Next week. Hugo hasn't said anything, and I haven't even seen Ron enough to talk about how we want to handle it. And I feel like I haven't seen enough of either of them to know what to do about it."

"Which of his 47 mysterious jobs is Ron working at today?"

"Three. Not 47. But, yeah – he's at the detective academy this morning and I think at his brother's shop this evening."

"Right. So – here is what you need to do. Text him. Tell him you two need a date night and to sod his brother. Then you text the brother's wife and tell her you'll make it up to her another time by babysitting or something but you need Ron tonight. Then you two go out to dinner. Or better yet, take Hugo to your mums and have an evening in. And talk about what you're going to do for the anniversary. And talk to him about your work."

"I don't really want to quit, Nicola. I love advocating for these families who can't speak for themselves, you know that."

"I do know that. But I also know that I would rather you step away for a while and still be a passionate, talented solicitor who uses her skills for good and not evil but maybe in a different way or part time instead of watching you become a bitter, burned out former solicitor who opens a knitting shop or something."

Hermione cracked a watery smile. "A knitting shop?"

"Yeah, sure. You could teach school children and scouts to crochet and knit or make hats for the needy or something."

"Well. I am a little fried right now, but I can honestly assure you that a knitting shop is not what I had in mind."

"Well, fine. Maybe one of those stores that sells naughty knickers or something. Whatever. But I think you should still find Ron and make sure you two can have some time alone to talk about everything. You're clearly not ok. Even last year when you were devastated after the accident you didn't seem this discouraged about your work."

"I wasn't. It's been…well, it's been one of the strangest years of my life. I am not sure where my head is."

"Well – take time to figure out where your head is AND where your heart is. I am rather a fan of both, actually. And I miss my energetic, optimistic, happy, bloody brilliant friend."

Smiling at her friend, Hermione said, "Thanks, Nic. You're right. I'm going to text him."

A handful of logistical calls later, Hermione had arranged for her mum to pick up Hugo and take him to dinner. She promised George she'd help in the shop that weekend if he needed it, and she called Ron's cell.

"Hey, love, are you ok?" asked Ron as he answered his cell.

"Hi stranger," she said.

"Are you alright? You don't sound so good."

"I think I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. And Nicola caught me losing it over a pile of paper files. And then she had the brilliant suggestion that I call in a few favors to get Hugo taken care of, and so now the plan is you and I have dinner just the two of us tonight."

"Tonight?" said a surprised Ron.

"Yeah. Tonight."

"I'm supposed to help George tonight," he said in an apologetic and guilty tone.

"Correction – you were supposed to help George tonight. Now you and I and Hugo will be helping him on Saturday. And George is fine with that, because he and I already talked."

"Wow. Alright then. Dinner tonight it is. But you're making me a bit worried. Is something going on? I didn't miss another Skeeter article or something did I?"

"No. No article. Well – if there is I haven't heard about it anyway. I just need a night with my boyfriend so I can try to not have a nervous breakdown. It feels like one of the more selfish things I've ever done."

"It's not selfish to tell someone what you need, Hermione."

"I'm trying to tell myself that. But whatever it is – it is tonight."

"Alright – do you want me to pick up take away?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner somewhere. Like a proper date or something."

"Yeah?" Ron said, the smile easily heard through the phone. "I'd love to take you on a proper date."

"Good."

"Is there anywhere in particular you want to go on this proper date?"

"Anywhere we can talk just the two of us."

"Alright. So, seeing that it's a proper date and all, I will pick you up at home and we'll go from there. Half six work for you?"

"Perfect. Thank you, Ron."

"Hermione, trust me, getting out of work and getting to take you out on a proper date is hardly a hardship. I'll see you tonight, alright?"

"See you tonight."

By 630, Hermione had made it home and changed from her black pantsuit into a navy and black dress. She was looking at the clock and wondered where in the world Ron was when she heard the doorbell ring. Confused, she headed to the front door. When she opened it, she saw a handsomely dressed Ron out front with a bouquet of red roses in his hands.

"What in the world?" she laughed.

"You know, we never really got to have a proper date where I picked you up at home and didn't go to a work event, did we?"

"No, I suppose we didn't," she conceded.

"So I thought I'd fix that," he said, offering her the roses.

"Well then, won't you come in? I need to put these amazing roses in some water before we go."

He smiled and stepped inside the door. Once she had put the flowers in water and grabbed her coat, they were ready to go.

"Thought we'd apparate if that's ok," Ron said, offering her his arm.

"Alright," she said.

A moment later they landed in doorway on a side street. Walking around to the front of the building, Ron held the door for her as they went into the French muggle restaurant in London. The host seated them in a private dining space in the back of the restaurant.

"How did you pull this off?" asked Hermione.

"I simply shared that we needed a discreet table. So they either think we're avoiding paparazzi, having an illicit affair or negotiating a shady business deal," Ron said with a grin.

"Hmm. Maybe 2 out of 3?" said Hermione, sliding her hand up his leg.

"I've missed you," Ron said sincerely as he gave her a quick kiss. "But I have to say since you called today I've been worried about you. What happened? Or what's going on?"

"I don't really know," she admitted. "I think everything has been catching up with me. I was focused on getting us all through Christmas, and then that adrenaline wore off and you and I have spent maybe 3 evenings together since the New Year. And then at work today I got this huge new case load. I took the stack of files back to my office and the next thing I knew I was just staring at them, feeling like I could work forever and never make any headway, and then all of a sudden I was having an identity crisis when Nicola walked in."

"Thank goodness."

"Yeah. But she told me I should consider taking a break or quitting or something so I don't get burned out. Of course she doesn't know anything about all of the magic studies and potential careers I am thinking about, but she could see I was burned out. I feel like I am on a hamster wheel or something – running really fast and working really hard and not getting anywhere. And then we haven't had a chance to talk about how we're going to handle next week."

"Next week?"

"The anniversary of the accident is next Thursday."

"Right. Sorry. I lost track somewhere and thought we had more time."

"Nope. Next week."

"Wow. Next week. Um, has Hugo mentioned anything to you about it? 'Cause I haven't picked up on anything, although it has been rather hectic these past few weeks."

Hermione shook her head. "No, he hasn't. But knowing him, he is so perceptive, you know it's in there somewhere."

"Yeah," Ron sighed.

They both sat in silence for a few moments, collecting their thoughts. Finally, Ron said, "I think we need to do something to mark it, but I hope we can do something similar to how your mum did Christmas Eve. Recognize it and honor it, but don't make it morbid or overly depressing."

"That sounds good," Hermione agreed. "So what would that be, do you think?"

"Dunno. But we can come up with something, and honestly maybe your mum could help. She is really good at this kind of thing. And maybe we can incorporate some of his art and stuff like Mrs. Rupesmith recommended."

"Now THAT is a brilliant idea."

"Yeah?" said Ron with a tone of surprise.

"Oh yeah," Hermione agreed.

They brainstormed a few more ideas about what they could do as a family, or help Hugo do on his own to help honor the anniversary. By the time they had a rough plan, their food had arrived at the table.

"So," Ron said after he enjoyed his first few bites of steak, "now that we have the anniversary squared away, how can we take care of you?"

She looked at him cautiously. "I really don't know," she sighed.

"Do you think it is the type of work you are doing, or simply that it is too much of it?" he asked gently.

Feeling her eyes get damp, Hermione said in a small voice, "I don't know. Maybe both?"

"OK. Then we will work on both. Hermione, you're not in this alone, you know that right?"

She nodded as a tear ran down her cheek. He reached for her hand and squeezed it as they sat silently for a few moments.

"Look, I know I have been working too much this month. The good news is that I really don't think it will last. Getting the Hogwarts program off the ground has taken some time, but now that it is up and running, it should be shifting into maintenance mode in another few weeks. And the work at WWW should ease up again in a few weeks. Just helping him with the end of year books and planning for the upcoming year has taken more time than I understood. But, I will definitely be around more soon. So, if that is part of the problem, that part will shift soon. And I am sorry it's been bad."

"No. It's not your fault, Ron. We both believe in our work, and I don't begrudge you spending time on it."

"But when we both spend a lot of time on our work, we don't get to spend as much time on family, including each other. And, well at least for me, until this past year that wasn't something I ever considered."

"And our work will always have times that are busier than others. That is fine and to be expected. And honestly, with Rose I have always had to figure out at least some semblance of work life balance. Though Dennis and my parents always helped a lot."

"But something has shifted I think. While you are no less passionate, you seem less excited by your work. Am I wrong?"

"No – not wrong. It's two different things I think. First is that now knowing about magic, I want to spend time impacting that world too, or first learning about it and then impacting it I suppose. But that aside, the work I have been doing for the past decade has been representing people already in a tough situation. I think I just feel like I am not solving any problems. Like I should be focused on preventing problems in the first place instead of trying to wait and fix the fallout once the problem has occurred."

"How would you feel about stepping away from your job for a while?"

"Guilty," Hermione replied quickly. "I mean, Nicola mentioned something similar. But what would happen to the families I am supposed to be representing now?"

"Well, what if you gave notice and worked out your current cases but didn't take on more for a while? Or limited it to only one case a month or something. Then you could have time to study and explore ways to prevent these issues, or other issues for that matter."

"But that would still leave Nicola in a bind. Who would take those other cases?"

"Well, if you gave a working notice, she would have time to search for a replacement. And if it is the money thing, well, we could find a solution."

Hermione stared at her plate for a moment, not saying anything.

"Did I say the wrong thing?" asked Ron nervously.

"No," she said taking a deep breath. "It's just scary. I feel like I am supposed to jump off this cliff. But, what if I don't like it? What if it's the wrong decision? What if I never like another job as much as I like this one? But then again, what if I don't leap and then there are people and problems I could impact and then I don't?"

Ron gave her a sympathetic lopsided smile. "Hermione, you can hardly feel guilty for not being able to solve all of the problems of the world."

She gave a sad laugh that came out like a huff. "That's mighty big talk for someone who actually has saved the world, you know?"

"I didn't, that's not, you know what I….ugh," he stammered in response.

"I'm teasing," she laughed. "But we certainly both seem to somehow feel personally responsible for solving all of the problems of the world, huh?"

"Yeah. I suppose you are right. And I didn't save the world, you know. I helped Harry get rid of a guy who wanted to mess up a bunch of it. But even though we succeeded there are still lunatics out there. Children are still hungry. There's still all kinds of terrible stuff out there. And for a long time I admit I kept trying to own that problem. But I am really trying to work on that. Leaving the aurors has helped. I have to trust in others to catch the bad guys. And now I am trying to help make sure the right folks are in place to do that. And I am trying to learn that the world actually needs me more at Hugo's back to school night than throwing jerks into Azkaban."

"What do they say – everyone is indispensable but no one is irreplaceable?"

"Huh. Hadn't heard that. Must be a muggle phrase. But a good one."

"So if I back away from work. Then what. I just study more?"

"Well, it would be up to you of course. But I would suspect you would study a lot and then explore different career options that are either magical, or maybe a hybrid of magical and muggle. Or you could work full time at giving away all this money and managing that whole thing."

"Knowing me I could quit my job and still work too much," Hermione laughed.

"Well. That's pretty much what I've done," admitted Ron.

"I can't believe I am actually thinking about quitting my job and not having another one!"

"Why?"

"Well, I've always worked. I've always had to provide for Rose, so there was no question about staying home. But I have always felt I was somehow obligated to the world to try and fix things I suppose."

"Did you work during university?"

"Well, not technically. I had a job with a local homeless shelter, but wasn't actually a paying job, so not sure if that counts."

"It counts. Well, I hope so, as that's what I'm more or less doing. But what is your gut telling you?"

"To quit. But I'm honestly terrified."

"Of what?" Ron asked in an almost whisper.

"What if I regret it? What if I never find anything I like as much as what I'm doing now? What if the next job isn't flexible and I am not as able to take off for my studies and such? And, if I am being honest…." Hermione hesitated.

"What?"

"Well, if I am being completely honest, what if you and I don't make it? And all of this financial freedom goes away and then have I shot myself in the foot by walking away from a good job?"

"Are you really worried about that?" asked Ron, trying to mask the hurt he felt.

"99% of me says no. But there is this part of me that has watched women give up their independence to depend on a man they loved and then live to regret it. I had always told myself I would never do that. But I hadn't met you. And somehow the rules I made up in that world no longer seem to apply to you or the world I now live in. So, I don't really worry. But, there is a part of me that won't release that anxiety completely," Hermione admitted.

"Ok," Ron said quietly. "I don't know how to help that."

"I don't know that you can. It's my baggage that I have to work through I suppose."

"I don't like not being able to help you," he admitted.

"Oh, don't sell yourself too short. You are helping me right now just being here tonight, rearranging your schedule for my nervous breakdown, and helping me think through everything."

"Well, I want to help you do whatever you think will make you happiest in the long run. And if that means a crazy short run, then we'll work on that together. But I am sensing you want to begin to walk away from your current job at least as a full time commitment."

"I think you're right," said Hermione with some tears in her eyes.

"But you don't have to abandon Nicola or those refugee families. Just ease off a little and begin to transition the new work to someone else."

"I almost wonder," Hermione said as she dabbed her eyes with her napkin, "if I will still be myself if I can't introduce myself as 'Hermione Granger, Solicitor.'"

"That is only a small part of you, love. I hope you see that. And it will still be a part of you. The only thing that would change is your job title."

"Am I just losing my mind thinking this is a big deal?"

"No. No, I am definitely not saying that. But – ok, this is going to sound a little crazy, but let me try, ok? It's like we have these seasons in our lives. And you have been in the spring and summer season for so long where you have just been working your rear off. But now it's more like autumn or winter and the plants have to go dormant for a while to further develop their roots and rest before they can bear fruit again. Maybe this is just a time for you to rest and renew and learn more and get ready for whatever challenge is next."

"How did you become so bloody brilliant?"

"I started hanging around with this incredibly brilliant witch," Ron said with a smirk.