Jacob pointed an accusing finger at Hermione. "I saw you!" He cried. "I saw you consorting with the Night King!"
Hermione looked around the room guiltily. "I was led astray..." She tried to explain. "He had me under his thrall. Those blue chaps- I though he was an ally!"
Dany rose from her seat by the window, where she had been gazing out thoughtfully pondering the meaning of sudoku. "Thrall?" She said derisively. "Ally?" She snorted disgust. "You silly little girl!"
Hermione's face wavered and tears began dripping down her bloated cheeks.
"Now, now." Beric interjected kindly. "We haven't even heard what Hermione has to say, perhaps we should give her a chance to talk?"
Hermione looked up in wonder at being treated so fairly by a man.
"You said you were going to throw people in camps if they didn't want to work in tech!" Jacob denounced. "You were laughing about it."
"I, er- don't remember saying that." Hermione dithered. "You- you must be mistaken." Her face turned red.
"No." Jacob spat. "I'm not mistaken-"
But he was cut off by Seamus. "A woman is telling you her story." He said disgustedly. "Look at dose tears, you monster!"
Hermione brightened as the room came over to her side and started eyeing Jacob with filthy stares. "Yes, I'm a victim." She smiled tragically, putting on a brave face. "An innocent victim." She shook her head sadly.
Just then McGonagall ran into the common room, skidding to a halt in her skintight polyester onesie. She was wearing a finger bone through her nose and sucking an eyeball noisily, through artificially sharpened teeth.
"I came as soon as I heard, Hermione." The head of Gryffindor house sat on the arm of Hermione's chair and took her hand kindly.
"Hermione was just about to tell us how she ended up a chattel of the Night King." Jacob said, bitterly.
"Ooh my dear, was it bad?" Gasped McGonagall, stroking Hermione's palm. "Was it awful? Was it dreadful? Was it... sexual?" Minerva's other hand reached down into her thigh gap. "Tell us everything; and don't stint on the details!"
Hermione looked around the room and, seeing she had a captive audience; she began.
"Well as you know I only care about what's fair for everyone." She began, as the gathered crowd gazed at her in sympathy and admiration. "And The Night King, well he approached me at a radical picnic in Beauxbatons and convinced me that he was an ally." She looked into the middle-distance and stifled a gasp. "He was just so convincing, so feminist, with his blue hair and seemingly fathomless inner-anger..."
Dany's eyes narrowed, she flashed a knowing look at Jacob, but the pair remained silent.
"We were planning to make the world a better place for women!" Hermione cried out suddenly.
This time Jacob couldn't hide a grunt of derision. The room hushed him angrily.
"A woman is speaking!" Cried Seamus furiously.
McGonagall stroked Hermione's hand like a favourite chihuahua. "Get to the good bits." She advised, wriggling her snakehips.
"I first realised something was wrong when he took me to dinner at a vegan restaurant-"
"What's wrong with that?" Asked Seamus, self-consciously.
"Oh, nothing in itself." Assured Hermione. "It was everything you could hope for. Dingy, outmoded, almost no flavour whatsoever... I was in heaven."
"So what went wrong dear?" McGonagall asked kindly, running a long, thin finger gently down Hermione's trembling spine; bringing forth an involuntary shudder.
"He offered to pay!" Hermione wailed.
The assembled crowd gasped.
"Chivalry!" Screamed Seamus. "Dat bastard!"
"I know, I know." Hermione worked the room. "But I was so in love- and I just happened to have left my galleons in my other jacket-"
"Perfectly understandable dear." McGonagall assured, licking Hermione's earlobe kindly.
"So I didn't read the warning signs." Hermione went on. "And, well- Later that evening, he took me to Madam Puddifoot's-"
At this The Hound snorted a laugh of derision.
McGonagall turned on him angrily. "Just because your idea of a hot date is getting smashed out of your skull and hiding in a twelve-year-old's bedroom, doesn't mean it's everyone's!" She said hotly.
Sandor shrugged his shoulders philosophically, acknowledging the fairness of the comment, and Hermione continued.
"The night was going so well, I was so in love. We-" She paused, and looked sheepish. "He took me to his Volkwagen Beetle and drove us to a secluded spot up in the hills."
McGonagall started dribbling down her chin, hand flicking furiously between her tight thighs. The finger-bone in her nose wobbled like an indecisive trifle. "And?" She moaned.
"He- he-" Hermione stammered. "He slipped up my sweater." She said at last. "And then he kind of just touched my brazier with one long fingernail and it froze off and fell to the floor."
McGonagall groaned and the eyeball she'd been sucking fell out of her watering mouth and plopped on the floor. Bem stared up at them all eyeballishly. Even Jacob was having a hard time keeping it down.
"And-" Hermione touched her chest again, in the same place as before. "He started nibbling gently on my nip-"
"Urgh!" McGonagall cried, falling from the arm of the chair. She shuddered on the floor for a few minutes, hips juddering, eyes narrowed in ecstasy.
"But it was so cold!" Hermione winced. "I asked him to stop and he got annoyed. He called me a filthy little Kingtease and it was just... like he was a different person. He drove us back to Hogsmeade in silence. I tried to engage him in conversation about manspreading, but he was sullen and unresponsive."
"But!" Cried Seamus. "A woman was talking!"
"And then it happened." Hermione sobbed as she relived the event. "As I was turning to leave, I thanked him for a lovely evening-" She broke off. "I was still so in love!" She explained, half-apologetically. "And he just looked at me and said-"
The room gasped.
"It was my privilege." Howled Hermione.
Harsh laughter sounded across the silent common room. "Stupid little twat!" Mocked The Hound. "I know The Night King, he only pretends to be a feminist to get laid. He taught Whedon everything he knows."
"I know that now!" Screamed Hermione, tearing at her frizzy hair.
"Isn't that true of every male 'ally'?" Asked McGonagall, composing herself after her little jaunt of rapture. "They've always struck me as being like those elephant seals who hide on the edge of the surf whilst the other males fight for dominance, then nip in and have their way with the females when no one is paying attention."
Seamus stared at his shoes and "arf-arfed" guiltily.
"But-" Gasped Hermione. "I thought you were one of the strongest female role models there was? How can you say such things about feminism?"
McGonagall chuckled. "It's precisely because I am a strong female that I don't need a movement in my life constantly preaching at me what a victim I am." She answered. "I'm a strong, independent woman in control of my own destiny; and I'm no one's victim!"
"Preach!" Dany jumped up and the women high-fived over Hermione's weeping, juddering form.
"I've been a fool!" Screeched Hermione. "And all I've got for my efforts is frostbitten nip-"
"A woman is talking!" Cried Seamus, looking up suddenly. Realising his mistake, he gave himself a chinese burn and winced apologetically.
"There's more," said Hermione breathlessly. "I discovered something about the Night King- something devastating!"
The room fell silent and everyone leaned in.
"It turns out he's been plotting with Nor-fol-"
Just then Colin walked in through the Gryffin-door, whistling merrily to himself.
"Hullo Colin!" Said Dean Thomas. "You're out late."
"I've been giving out blankets to the homeless at a pop-up soup kitchen in Diagon Alley." He said, a bit shame-facedly as if embarrassed by his own good deed.
"I don't know where you find the energy!" Exclaimed Ginny Weasley. "Always dashing about, helping others." She looked at Colin fondly, as a sister might look at a younger brother.
Jacob's eyes followed him across the room, narrowed in hatred and mistrust.
"Oh, it's really not all that." Said Colin, plonking himself down in a squishy armchair. "And bes- OUCH!" He jumped up, rubbing his side. "Something bit me!" Colin reached around in the chair and pulled out a used needle, holding it up. "Someone left this... in the chair." He sounded close to tears.
Jacob strode over and took a long, hard look. "Yep," he laughed. "It's one of Edith's."
Colin's face crumpled and large tears began welling in his devastated eyes. "But... Edith's g-got AIDS, hasn't she?" He asked with a trembling voice.
"Yep!" Winked Jacob breezily.
"I need to go for a test!" Colin made a dash for the door, but Jacob grabbed his arm.
"Don't be ridiculous!" He cried. "You don't need to go for a test."
"Then I'm OK?" Colin looked relieved.
"OK?" Jacob chuckled. "I doubt it. But you need to wait four weeks before the virus shows itself in your blood. Until then, it's pointless getting tested."
Colin began to wail. "I d-don't w-w-want AIDS!" He cried.
Jacob slapped him with all his might. "Listen you little Nor-folkian bastard," he said with all the kindness he could muster. "If it were up to me, you'd be dead already like all your filthy kind. AIDS isn't the death sentence it once was, and you're far more likely to die from me murdering you than that. I've been plotting how to make it look like an accident since I first found out who you were. So try not to worry too much about the long-term, because it's very unikely that you have one."
Colin looked up hopefully. "You really mean it?" He asked, wiping tears from his eyes.
"Ask Flitwick." Jacob said honestly. "He's in on it. We were going to jump you after Astronomy next week, but with all this Voldemort stuff going on we might have to put things back a little."
Colin hugged Jacob tightly. "Thanks so much," he grinned.
Jacob forced down the vomit that rose in his gorge. "Don't. Ever. Touch. Me. Again." He hissed through clenched teeth.
"You were saying something about the Night King?" Dany reminded Hermione after a brief lull.
Hermione glanced fearfully towards Jacob and Colin. "Oh, er- it can wait." She said evasively, still shaking with emotion. "I just feel so- used." Her eyes took on a mad gleam. "I'm going to call him!" She cried out, producing her magically-jailbroken cellphone and tapping at the touchscreen.
"Call who?" Asked Seamus, looking devastated. "Not the Night King?"
"No of course not!" Laughed Hermione madly. "I mean Voldemort, of course! Maybe I can still get that crab dinner-" She pulled up his contact details and hovered her thumb over the dial button.
"Noooo!" Everyone screamed at once.
Hermione looked around, hesitantly. "But he really knows how to treat a woman." She said weakly. "He said he'd wine me and dine me; he'd treat me like a princess!"
Both Dany and McGonagall were a little bit sick in their mouths at that.
"Come doll, merry doll, ring-ding-a-dillo!" Cried Tom Bombadil, wagging a reproachful finger. "You're going from one extreme to the other, my little one. It won't end well, so says old Tom!"
"So says us all!" Cried the room.
"Oh, I wish Sebastian were here!" Hermione cried out in distress.
"Who's Sebastian?" Asked Seamus, looking devastated.
"He's my best friend, I met him on a snorkelling holiday in the Caribbean. He'd know what to do, he always gives the most excellent advice."
Tom stroked his beard and gave a little wink. "But Sebastian's not here, fa-la-la er... lillo! Listen to old Tom, he's been around a bit and he knows what's what."
Hermione gazed from her phone, then back to Tom. "What advice do you have for me then?"
Tom did a little dance then began. "Find yourself a middle way between all this madness." He advised. "It's not good to try and force ideas on other folk and dictate how they should live their lives, that only leads to bitterness and unhappiness."
"Mainsplainer!" Seamus screamed, pointing an accusatory finger at Tom and looking furious.
"Shut the fuck up!" The room cried, and Seamus sat down again, red-faced.
Tom went on. "But if you think Voldemort's Twelfth-Century ideals will make you happy, just because you had a bad experience with a feminist ally, you're sadly mistaken my derry-doll."
"What's wrong with Twlefth-Century relationship ideals?" Asked Beric, looking hurt and bewildered.
"Tom says let people be themselves and everything will work out for the best." The little man intoned. "Why look at old Tom here-" He spread his arms wide. "Bright blue his jacket is, bushy is his manly beard, he's the MMA champion of all the Old Forest; why once he put a hedgehog in a choke-hold so fierce that its eyes popped out of its skull and embedded themselves in a passing squirrel, ring-ding-a-dillo! But does he feel constrained to act a certain way? No my hearty, he does not!" He slammed a balled fist into his open palm to hammer home the point. "Old Tom goes a'flower collecting, he sings, he cooks, he capers; and does he like a finger up the bum at bedtime? Old Tom's not telling, my hearty-" he winked coyly at the watching Gryffindors. "But there's a reason Goldberry's known as stinkfinger for a seventy-mile radius around the Withywindle! Oh-ho-ho!" He chuckled.
Hermione was looking at the old man with wonder. "I have no idea what you're talking about." She shook her head - bemused - before hitting dial.
Seamus - looking devastated - dove across the room and tried to beat the phone out of Hermione's hands. At the last moment, Jacob snatched him out of the air like a gold token in the crystal dome; swinging him around his head and sending him flying through the open window, screaming.
More people moved to snatch the phone from Hermione, but Jacob stilled them with a fierce glare.
"Let her," he said. "Let her call." He looked around the room. "I think I've just figured out how we can use this to our advantage."
Everyone gazed at Jacob expectantly, as the phone rang.
Authors note: What will happen between Hermione and Voldemort? Just what is Jacob's plan? Is there more to Colin than meets the eye? And why is Snape creeping around the cemetery at night?
All these questions and more will be answered in the coming instalments! We also get to witness a happy reunion between Gandalf and Dumbledore, and Hogwarts hosts a major celebration; It will go down in history as... The Brown Wedding!
