A/N: I'll be continuing to publish chapters for this story periodically. So fair warning... there won't be weekly updates. I'll try to publish with some regularity but I can't make promises. Please leave a review and tell me what you think of the story so far!
Chapter 4:
Rosalie came by the apartment again on Wednesday. She'd been worried about me since we hadn't gone out to eat or seen a movie since my breakup with her brother. It was true that I had been holed up in my apartment feeling sorry for myself and not returning her calls. Part of my reason for avoiding her was because I wanted time alone to think and grieve, but the other reason was my new preoccupation with Edward Cullen. I'd spent most of my waking hours during the last two weeks thinking about him and having that distraction helped with the despair I felt whenever I thought about my love life. I still had not told Ro about Edward, nor did I have any plans to let her in on my dirty little secret.
I was painting when she came by on her way home from work and she told me not to stop what I was doing so she lounged on my sofa and watched me work. It was comforting having her there; I'd almost forgotten what my life had been like before everything changed. I used to go out with Rosalie every weekend either for dinner or to a club and most of the time Jasper would join us, so the breakup affected her social life as much as it did mine. I apologized for not being a good friend lately.
"Have you even left this apartment yet?" Rosalie asked as she glanced around the living room.
"I went grocery shopping last Saturday. And I took some of my art down to the office on Monday," I replied, neglecting to mention my two visits to the Hyatt hotel to see Edward.
"I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but Jasper is doing about the same. He stayed in his boxers for the first three days and then finally decided it was time to clean himself up. He went back to work and sounded a little better the last time I talked to him on the phone. He still won't agree to go out anywhere with me."
"Has he asked about me?" I wondered.
Rose shook her head. "He won't say your name out loud. He did ask one time if I knew whether or not you were seeing someone else. I guess he was worried you might have been cheating on him before you ended things."
"I wasn't. I'm not dating anyone," I replied emphatically.
"That's what I told him and he seemed relieved. I keep telling him he should go out to a bar with some friends, you know; get back into the dating scene. He says he's not ready."
I focused on my painting, not sure how to respond. I didn't like hearing that Jasper might soon be going to bars and dating other women and that Rosalie was encouraging him to do so. I knew I was the one who caused him this pain so maybe it would alleviate some of the guilt I felt for breaking his heart when he did finally move on. Jasper was a great guy and he deserved to be happy. It was my loss that I couldn't find happiness with him.
"What happened to that creepy painting you were working on a few weeks ago?" Rosalie asked. "The one with the woman on the bed."
"I'm still working on it," I said gesturing to a canvas across the room that was covered by a sheet. I'd covered it before Edward came over the night before. A memory of us together flashed in my mind as I thought about him and it made me wonder where he was at that moment. He was probably with another woman. Or possibly a man.
Rosalie walked across the room and carefully pulled the sheet off the painting. "You put a knife in her hand? I thought you wanted it to be a book or something empowering?"
"A bloody dagger is empowering. When you look at the painting you'll wonder who the woman just stabbed and why," I explained defensively.
"Are you sure you're really feeling better, Bella? I remember when you used to paint sunflowers and laughing children."
I rolled my eyes and turned away from her. "I'm fine. The gallery asked for some haunting pieces so I have to paint what pays the bills," I lied.
My art was my way of expressing my emotions and in the wake of my separation from Jasper it felt fitting to place a knife in the woman's hand. What I would never admit to Rose was that I'd thought about placing a human heart in the woman's hand but decided the knife was less grotesque. The bloody dagger was symbolic of how I had stabbed the only man I ever truly loved in the back. My self-deprecating sexual desires had destroyed our love and left both our hearts aching.
Despite the depressing direction my art had taken recently, I was actually beginning to feel better. I wasn't returning to my old self; I felt like I was becoming someone new. Edward had helped me take my mind off my broken heart and explore a side of myself that I'd been terrified to acknowledge. He made me feel alive in a way I never had before.
"I like this one better," Rosalie commented pointing to the painting I was currently working on. "It's still on the dark side, but there's something sexy about it too."
I blushed as I stepped back to view the painting more objectively. I'd only just begun this piece and so far there was not much more than the sketch of a man sitting in a wooden chair. I hadn't filled in his body yet so Rose didn't know that the man was going to be nude, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs and his hands covering his face. I couldn't get the image out of my mind so I decided to paint it. I didn't even know what it meant yet.
"Is this for the gallery too?" she pressed.
"Hopefully. I haven't sold anything there in a while," I replied. That was the truth and my bank account could prove it.
I offered to make her dinner, but Rose politely declined. She said she wanted to get out of her work clothes and spend the evening in front of the television. She had an important meeting the next day and needed to chill out tonight. I promised her I was almost out of my breakup funk and we could get together soon. I hoped I was telling her the truth. I felt like my emotional rebound was entirely riding on how things progressed with Edward. If I failed in my pursuit to become comfortable in my own skin then I would regress back to hopeless and desolate once again.
After she left I cleaned up my art supplies and made myself a sandwich for dinner. Eating alone every night was one of the more depressing parts of being single. I told myself it was something I'd have to get used to. As I ate I booted up the laptop and decided to see what was happening on Facebook. Or rather, who was currently available to chat on Facebook. I was relieved when I saw Edward's name show up and I messaged him immediately.
Bella Swan: Hey. How are you?
Edward Cullen: Great. A little sore from last night.
Bella Swan: Oh, that's my fault, I'm sorry...
Edward Cullen: Don't be, you were amazing.
I could feel my face blushing in embarrassment. How badly had I hurt him? I remembered the spanking, the wrist restraints, and the sex. For the first time in my life I'd fucked somebody. Jasper and I had made love, we sometimes had sex... but we'd never fucked. That is the only word to describe what I did with Edward last night. It was the most erotic experience of my life but I woke up this morning feeling ashamed of my actions; akin to the way I used to feel after nights out with Rose when I would drink way too much and humiliate myself. It was that same kind of drunken high that was inevitably followed by a sobering crash when it ended.
Edward Cullen: I can feel you doubting yourself. I wish you wouldn't do that.
Bella Swan: I know. It's hard to think I'm capable of doing the things I did. I'm working on it.
Edward Cullen: Well, please know that even thinking about last night is getting me hard.
Bella Swan: Did you work today?
Edward Cullen: Wow, subject change! Yep, went out with a divorcee who needed a date to a charity luncheon.
Bella Swan: Just a luncheon? Or did you enjoy the perks of your profession?
I sat back in my chair and wondered why I opened the chat window to talk to him. Maybe he did enjoy our time together as much as he said, but I understood that our meetings meant something more to me than they did to him. That was to be expected; I was a client in his eyes. He probably didn't want to be bothered with me until our next meeting, but for some reason I just had to talk to him. Everything about Edward Cullen fascinated me. I knew he was fucking other people too, training with them as he described it, and there was an irrational jealously I was feeling that made me want to know the details.
Edward Cullen: If you're asking me if I slept with her, no I didn't.
Bella Swan: I was just curious.
Edward Cullen: about my job?
Bella Swan: About your dick
Edward Cullen: hahaha I'm very pleased you're still curious about my dick.
Bella Swan: Are you seeing another client tonight?
Edward Cullen: No, I have the night off.
Bella Swan: What kinds of things does Edward Cullen do on his nights off?
Edward Cullen: I had dinner with my sister but now I'm just chillin' alone. She went out to a coffee bar with some friends.
Bella Swan: You didn't want to join them?
Edward Cullen: As much as I love the idea of drinking caffeine at 8 o'clock at night, I declined her offer. Alice's friends are always flirting with me. It's awkward.
I had to think for a moment but I couldn't recall Edward ever mentioning a girlfriend or any other woman in his personal life. I wondered why that was and hoped he would tell me a little more about himself.
Bella Swan: Aren't any of your sister's friends attractive?
Edward Cullen: LOL yes, but I've found it difficult to date in my line of work. Usually the first thing a woman asks is if I'm single and how old I am. The next question is always... so what do you do for a living? There's no good way for me to answer that question.
Bella Swan: So you don't date at all?
Edward Cullen: I go on dates every day ;-)
Bella Swan: You know what I mean. Doesn't it get lonely never getting to have a "real" relationship?
Edward Cullen: Sometimes. But I'm not going to work for MMM forever, so it's temporary. That's what I tell myself when it gets hard.
Bella Swan: So your life is just on hold?
Edward Cullen: Not my whole life. Just the "finding my soul mate" part ;-)
Bella Swan: Oh is that all?
Bella Swan: I've been really lonely since I left Jasper. If I can't get my shit together it might become a permanent loneliness.
Edward Cullen: I've told you before there's plenty of men out there into what you're into.
Bella Swan: I'm not sure I'm ready, even if you're right.
Edward Cullen: That's why I'm training with you. So you'll be ready physically for when you're ready emotionally.
Bella Swan: I guess so. It just sucks being alone here with no one to talk to. That's why I came online to bother you. :-)
Edward Cullen: You are no bother to me! I know what you mean about being alone though.
Edward Cullen: Do you want to hang out? As friends.
Bella Swan: Seriously?
Edward Cullen: Yeah, I got nothing going on here. I could come over... maybe watch a movie or something.
My heart started pounding and my mind was reeling in a futile attempt to decode his words. He wasn't asking to do a scene. He said he wanted to hang out. Did Edward want to be friends? How would that even work with my training? I had so many questions, but I knew I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see him again.
Bella Swan: Yeah, sure. I'd be up for that.
Edward Cullen: Cool. I'll be there in about 25 minutes, k?
Bella Swan: Okay. See you soon.
Immediately I ran to the bathroom to take a shower. I changed out of my pajamas into a tank top and yoga pants. As my hair air dried I scurried around the apartment tidying up everything I could. My paint supplies were left out but I thought that gave the impression I'd had a productive day. I washed the dishes in the sink, lit a candle in the kitchen that had a rose pedal smell, and hurried back to the bathroom to fix my hair and brush my teeth. I had no idea what to expect from this spontaneous visit from Edward but if all we did was fall asleep watching a movie together I would be happy.
I was in the kitchen checking on what drinks I had to offer Edward when I heard him knocking. As I approached the front door I tiptoed in front of the peephole and stole a glance at him. Edward was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. His hands were in his pockets and he rocked back and forth on his heels as he waited. I couldn't tell if he seemed nervous to be there, it might have just been me that was on edge.
"Bella?" he said a moment later.
I yelped, stunned that he could sense me on the other side of the door. Then I heard him chuckle. "I was just making sure it was you," I claimed as I opened the door.
He smiled brightly. "Can't be too careful when you live alone. You never know who might be lurking out in the hallway."
I scowled at his gentle teasing but it actually made me feel a little better. He seemed very much at ease as he followed me into the living room and I gestured for him to take a seat on the sofa. "Can I get you something to drink? I have water, tea, wine, and diet soda."
"What are you having?" he asked.
"I was going to make myself a mimosa. It's the only way I like to drink wine."
"I'll take one of those," he replied eagerly. "What are you watching?"
I glanced over at the television. "Oh, I don't even know. Why don't you find us something while I make the drinks?"
Edward nodded and reached for the remote control. While I was in the kitchen I could hear him mumbling to himself as he flipped channels. It made my stomach do flips to see him in such a casual state. I knew that was my own fault; I'd been all business with him ever since our dinner at the hotel. Suddenly I was so thankful that he'd suggested that we hang out, not just to distract me from my loneliness, but because I knew that talking to him was an important part of whatever direction our relationship was going. Both times Edward had trained with me I'd skipped over that warm up conversation he always tried to initiate. I was determined to catch up now.
I handed Edward his drink in a glass tumbler and sat down on the couch beside him. "So what show did you choose?"
"We can either watch Jaws II, How I Met Your Mother, or do what I like to do when there's nothing good on..."
"And what's that?"
"Close my eyes, hold down the seek button, and watch whatever dumb show appears when I let go."
"Let's be wild," I said jokingly. "TV roulette it is."
Edward made a big show of shutting his eyes tightly as he pointed the remote at the television. He held the seek button down for about ten seconds and then let go. We both laughed out loud when the channel appeared.
"Sister Wives!"
"Do you play with do-overs in this game?" I asked.
"The rules do not allow for do-overs," Edward replied. "Maybe watching this will help you gain a little perspective."
"In what way?"
"To get that there's something for everybody out there, and even if you can't understand it, it might make perfect sense to someone else."
I took a long sip of my mimosa. "My grandmother used to always say 'different strokes for different folks' but she was usually talking about women's fashion or their cooking preferences."
"Same rules apply to sex and relationships though, right?"
"I suppose so, though if she knew what I've been doing lately she'd have to come up with a new saying."
Edward chuckled and I loved hearing it. I'd never really heard him laugh before. "Were you and your grandmother close? You've mentioned her a few times, but never your mother."
"My grandmother raised me, unofficially. My mom was around, but it was my grandmother who did all the things a mother is supposed to do. She made the meals and helped with homework. Nana taught me to play piano and to cook all her family recipes. She protected me... from the world, from my mother."
"How long ago did she pass away?"
"Four years ago. It feels like yesterday though."
Edward nodded sadly and I suspected he knew what that kind of loss was like. "And what about your mother and father? Are they alive?" he asked.
"My dad lives in Baltimore so I see him occasionally. My parents got divorced when I was two. And my mother... she's around somewhere. She lived in Jacksonville for a while, then it was El Paso, and then Phoenix the last time I checked. The further away she gets the better."
"Do you want to tell me about her?" Edward asked cautiously.
"She was never abusive or anything, just neglectful. She was indifferent towards me; I grew up feeling like it didn't matter to her whether I was there or not. She didn't let my presence get in the way of her living her life. She would go out to meet men at clubs and often bring them home."
"What about your step-brother? Jacob, right?"
"My mother married Jake's father when I was eight. He and Jake moved into our house. The marriage only last a few months but Jacob and I formed a tight bond and we stayed close. We were the same age and after they moved out we would still see each other at school."
"That must have been hard to deal with as a kid."
I shrugged. "We thought it was funny that we could tell our friends how we'd been brother and sister for ninety seven days."
"So when did your grandmother step in?"
"She was always there. She lived in another town house two doors down from us so she would come over whenever I needed her. Eventually I moved in with her when I was thirteen. My mother didn't notice for two weeks that my room was empty."
"Bella, that's terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. No wonder you don't speak to her much."
I looked at the TV screen and saw one of the wives talking to the husband about feeling left out of some decision that was being made. I turned back to look at Edward. "Sometimes I wonder if I am the way I am because of her."
"What makes you think that? Did she have the same sexual predilections?"
"She liked rough sex with men she'd meet at bars. They would always be drunk so she didn't always remember to shut her bedroom door. So I saw things and heard things I wish I could forget."
"I don't think you're taking after your mother, Bella. Is that why you're so afraid to embrace your sexual desires?"
"I honestly don't know. How would you explain it?" I asked.
Edward inched closer to me and placed his hand over mine where it rested on my thigh. "I think it explains why you prefer to keep your clothes on during your scenes. You don't want to picture yourself the way you remember your mother. But it's different... what you and I do. I think deep down you know that. We're not drunk or high, we're both consenting and even though it's bound to get rough sometimes it's not the same thing as bringing home some random man from a bar. For me at least, it's about trust and experimentation and intense pleasure. I'm always trying to find new ways to experience sex."
"When did you start doing this?"
"When I was nineteen; so four years now. I was dating a girl in college, similar to you it took a lot of effort to get her off and we learned about the lifestyle together. Our relationship didn't last but the sexual preferences I developed while we were together stayed with me."
"You went to college?"
"You assumed I was uneducated?" Edward smirked. "I studied computer science at the University of Maryland, I just didn't finish."
"Do you ever think about going back?"
"Not really. I make a lot more money escorting. And it's more fun than sitting in front of a computer in some temperature controlled office all day."
"What do your parents think about it?"
"My parents are both gone," he said looking down at his hands. "Died when I was eighteen. Car wreck."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Edward." I turned my hand over in his and laced our fingers together. I felt so foolish complaining about my mother to him. Had I known he lost his parents so tragically I never would have told him about Renee. As poor a mother as she was, at least she was alive.
"It's okay. I mean, yeah... it was hard for a while. Alice is two years younger than me so she had to live with my uncle Carlisle until she turned eighteen. My parents left us some money but I still had to work to support her. We got an apartment together when she started college."
"Is that why you quit school?"
"I cut back on classes so I could work. After I started with MMM I made the decision to go in that direction. I've never regretted it."
"Were your parents good to you growing up?" I asked. I could see from the expression on Edward's face that they were.
"They were the best," he whispered starting to get emotional. "So you see, your mother isn't the reason you like BDSM, Bella. I never had any sexually abusive experiences or traumatic childhood memories until their death, yet I have the same sexual needs as you. Except in reverse I suppose, since I prefer to be submissive. But that's what makes us play well together."
I smiled at him and he smiled back, squeezing my hand gently. I remembered that we were supposed to be hanging out as friends and here we were holding hands and drinking wine; pouring our hearts out to each other.
"I don't know how our conversation got so heavy," I murmured. "We're supposed to be having fun together."
"We're not alone, that's what we set out to accomplish," Edward countered. "That and I had one other thing on my mind that I wanted to do."
"What's that?"
"You didn't kiss me yesterday, not even once. So you owe me."
"I do?"
"I think in lieu of payment from now on I'm only going to require a good night kiss."
I recoiled from him slightly. "What? Why?"
"It doesn't feel right to take your Nana's piano money. I like being with you; I don't want to charge you anymore."
"Won't Maryland's Men Mingle object to that?"
Edward rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not their whore? The BDSM training is freelance work. You were an interesting prospect when we met, but now I just want to play with you and teach you for my own enjoyment. Yours too."
I thought about what Edward was saying. His eyes were so hopeful and sincere. "You want me to pay you in kisses?"
"Yes, if those terms are agreeable to you."
"We could see each other more often if it wasn't costing me a hundred bucks a pop," I thought out loud.
Edward smiled fiendishly. "Exactly."
"Then I accept your new terms." I teased.
Without hesitating Edward leaned in and kissed my mouth. He tasted like wine and orange juice and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. I struggled to place my glass on the coffee table without letting go because I felt desperate for him and didn't want to break our connection for even the slightest moment. Every opportunity I'd had to touch Edward in the past two weeks was more thrilling than anything I'd ever experienced with Jasper, and it didn't appear to be dissipating. His mouth moved to my neck and kissed me over and over. His hands were touching my back, my waist, and my thigh. I could sense the passion behind every stroke of his finger and every kiss his lips placed on my skin.
Then something changed; I could feel him trying to shift the power to himself. It felt good in his arms; good to feel close to someone after so many weeks alone, but alarm bells were still sounding in my mind. My hand gripped the roots of his hair tightly in order to control the pace of Edward's advancements. He kept on kissing and touching me all over. His nose nuzzled into my collar bone and I felt him humming against my skin. The sensations I felt were far too familiar; like he was trying to make love to me. His hand suddenly slid between my legs and grazed my crotch. It was intense and frightening to feel like I was losing control. So I panicked. I pushed him away.
"What's wrong?" he asked. Edward's disappointment and confusion was obvious.
"I can't do this," I whispered. "I can't make love to you."
I wanted to continue but all I could think about how badly my heart had been broken. I caused myself so much heartache by continuing to date Jasper when I could see no future for us. I couldn't allow myself to make the same mistake twice. I feared that letting Edward kiss and touch me like a boyfriend would do was going to eventually hurt me worse that I could handle.
Edward was a professional escort. He was paid to take women out on dates, kiss them, and who knew what else. Edward might not have gotten paid for sex with those women he met through MMM but he did get paid for what he called his freelancing. Like what he did with me. Men and women paid him for sex regularly. Somewhere in the back of my confused mind I knew that this arrangement we had might be satisfying the needs of my body but it could never satisfy my heart.
"What are you afraid of, Bella?" he asked. He'd removed his hands from me completely, sensing that I needed space.
"I like talking to you, like friends do. And I really... like fucking you," I mumbled not knowing what I was trying to say.
"Dominating me," he corrected without flinching.
"Yes. I just don't know how to be both your friend and your Domme. Where do we draw the line, you know?"
"When two people play together they often find it hard to also be friends. I understand your dominance is about having complete control and your sexual gratification relies on your ability to objectify me. So if we became friends or lovers then that would change the dynamic of your training," he admitted, exhaling softly.
"So we can't be friends?" I asked feeling sad and shameful once again.
"I'd hoped we could, but maybe not so soon. You're still very new at this; in time you'll learn to compartmentalize your feelings. You'll need to be able to do that if you want to have a real relationship with someone in the future."
What I knew I needed to truly be happy was to find a mature, responsible man like Jasper who also happened to have a dark, devious sexual appetite like Edward. And that was where I came to a dead end because despite what Edward claimed; I didn't believe a man like that existed. I felt very discouraged the more Edward explained things to me. I was still struggling sexually and now our friendship was doomed too.
"So what do we do now? I don't want you to leave," I pouted.
"You were right to stop me; I just want you so bad I wasn't thinking."
His words ignited a fire in my belly. He wanted me badly? "I want you too, but... maybe we just have to do it my way."
Edward stared at me for a second, thinking. "Okay, no more hand holding," he scolded in a teasing way. "Let's do it your way."
"You mean tonight, right? Because I really want to play," I clarified.
Edward smiled widely. "Yes, tonight. Please."
A/N: So this was some character development for our deviant minded artist and her escort/BDSM enthusiast. I promise chapter 5 will be so hot you'll need to keep a glass of water next to the computer! Till then... please leave a review!
