Ch 80: Learning the Hard Way - Hermione's Experience

It had been almost four weeks since she had come home from the hospital and almost four weeks since the miscarriage. She really expected herself to be back to normal by now, but instead she was still needing a nap almost every afternoon. Rose had gone back to school weeks ago, and Hugo seemed back to his regular routine. Ron was being incredibly helpful, but somehow this irritated Hermione to no end. He was always trying to make her laugh or smile. He was up early and making breakfast and then up late to clean the house or do the washing. While it sounded ridiculous to complain about, she wanted her Ron back, not this tip toeing around Ron who was overly careful with her. She missed her husband who would talk with his mouth full of food, leave his dirty socks all over the house and behave more like a kid than a grown man at times.

Not only was he suddenly Mr. Perfect, but he was also hovering. All. Of. The. Time. She had absolutely needed his help in the shower those first few days home. But after a week of his "help," she finally thrown a fit and threatened not only to hex him herself but to call up his sister to hex him as well if he didn't let her be alone in the bathroom. The threat of Ginny was enough to do it, but he still hovered outside the bathroom door "just in case." This just made her stay in the shower longer to prove she could. Even weeks later she would find him just outside the bathroom door when she came out of the shower. He would make excuses like "just collecting the dirty clothes," or "I wanted to see if you would prefer sausage or bacon with breakfast," but she knew what he was doing. And while a part of her was grateful to have someone who cared, most of her wanted to scream at him like a teenager and tell him she could take care of herself, thank you very much.

They had gone to the healer appointment the previous day together. She would have preferred to go alone, but she knew it would crush him to be left out, so she didn't say anything. The healer said she was getting better as expected, but that is was slower than most patients who have had an ectopic pregnancy as she had lost so much blood, had larger incisions and had come so close to losing her life. But, the healer simply said she needed to take care to eat well, take the potions every day, continue to rest and to slowly build her stamina back. The healer then said in another two weeks she would be able to go back to work part time and they should be able to be intimate again. Ron's ears, predictably, turned beet red. Hermione, on the other hand, wanted to curse the healer because as far as she was concerned it would be a lot longer than that. She shuddered at the thought, as even turning the wrong way still hurt painfully at times. She couldn't imagine using a tampon yet, let alone having sex any time soon. With all of this going through her mind, she came down the stairs into the kitchen and saw Mr. Happy at the sink scrubbing the breakfast plates the muggle way.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Cleaning up from breakfast," he shrugged.

"Why aren't you using magic like you always do?"

"Because I know you prefer the pots scrubbed the muggle way," he said with a lopsided grin.

"Right," she said with a fake smile. "Um, I want to go for a bit of a drive today."

"Are you sure you are up to it?"

"Yes. The healer said I could drive once I was off the pain potion and could easily get the seat belt on and off. I could have driven last week. But I am definitely fine to drive now."

"Ok," he said rinsing off the last pan. "Where should we go?"

"Oh," she said. "Actually, I am going to go for a drive by myself."

His eyes popped up to meet hers, confused and slightly hurt. "You don't want me to come?"

"Um, I want to go by myself."

"Oh, ok," he said dejectedly.

"It would do you good to get out as well."

He started to protest, but before he could get a word in, she turned, grabbed her purse, her cellphone and her keys and headed out the front door. "I promise I'll text you," she called as the door swung shut. As she made it to the driveway, she sighed in relief. Inside, a stunned Ron stood in the empty kitchen wondering what in the hell had just happened.

Hermione got in the car and pulled out of the neighborhood. She didn't have anywhere to go, but she knew she had to get out of there before she went completely mad. Before she knew it, she found herself driving towards the care home where Mrs. Carrington lived. She pulled into the parking lot, not completely sure why she had gone there. Thinking she might as well go visit the elderly woman, she made her way back to her room. Yet, when she knocked on the door, she didn't hear anything.

Poking her head into Mrs. Carrington's room she called, "Hello? Mrs. Carrington? It's Hermione."

But, the room was empty. She found some note paper on the dresser and left her a quick note to say she was sorry she missed her and headed back to the exit. As she turned down the last corridor, she heard someone calling her name. Looking up, she saw Melissa Rupesmith bustling down the hall.

"Hermione! I thought that was you!"

"Hi, Melissa! What a pleasant surprise. You don't have class today?"

"No. They have some sort of academic testing going on, so no art or music classes for a few days. So, I thought I would come see Gran, but apparently she and Mrs. Carrington have gone off on one of the day excursions! She hadn't done that once since she lived here, and now she and Mrs. Carrington go once a week it seems. They seem to have each gotten a decade younger since finding each other."

"Isn't that wonderful?" smiled Hermione. "I wondered where she was when I found her room empty."

"Well, since we each have some time, would you fancy having a cuppa at that place around the corner?"

"That would be lovely," said Hermione, and meaning every word.

A few minutes later, the two women were settled at a little table ordering tea and biscuits. "So, Hugo mentioned you were home from your time in hospital. I didn't ask him any of the details, of course. Well, let's face it, primary school boys have never been known for their accurate relay of knowledge, right? Can I presume you are recovered if you are out and about?"

Hermione gave a sad smile. "Yes, thank you. Well, getting there anyway. I suppose Hugo wouldn't have said much. I don't think he's known what to think. A bit like Ron I guess – trying to be supportive while not wanting to think about it too much." Seeing her friend's confused face, Hermione apologized. "Oh, sorry, let me back up and explain. I, well, I didn't know it, but I was six weeks pregnant. However," she paused, subconsciously touching her abdomen, "it was an ectopic pregnancy, and it ruptured. And, I bled out heavily for some time before passing out at work. Luckily, I was in a meeting with the father of one of Rose's friends from school when I lost consciousness. He was able to get me to hospital quickly, and they were able to get me into surgery straight away."

"Oh, Hermione," said Melissa reaching her hand across the table to take Hermione's hand. "I am so, so sorry you had to go through that."

"Thank you," she sniffed earnestly. "It's just been a really difficult time."

"While I know it is often placating when people say they know how you feel, unfortunately I had a very similar experience many years ago. And, well, for me anyway, I can say I never got over it, but it did stop hurting."

Hermione looked up at her with glassy eyes. "Oh, Melissa. I had no idea. I am so sorry, but thank you so much for sharing that with me. How did you –well, sorry, I don't mean to pry."

"No, no. It's fine. I wouldn't have brought it up if it was meant to be a secret. My husband and I had hoped for children, but it turned out not to be in the cards for us. So, I get to have all my students instead I suppose. I had discovered I was pregnant several times, but each time I would miscarry. And then the last time, well, it was similar to your experience. Well, maybe not quite as bad. They discovered it was ectopic before it ruptured. But, I had to have surgery as well. My husband asked that we stop trying then. He said he wasn't willing to lose me for a chance at something we were doing ok without."

Hermione wiped the tears from her eyes. "Sorry," she apologized. "I seem to be an emotional basket case these days."

"Bloody hormones."

"Precisely," she laughed through her tears.

"Again, I don't want to pry. So feel free to tell me to stop. But, how are things between you and Ron?"

Hermione's face fell. "How did you know to ask that? It's been, well – uh maybe tense is the word? Though, I am not sure he has actually realized it."

Melissa Rupesmith gave a sad chuckle. "Well, your husband reminds me a lot of my late husband. Adoring, positive, and often oblivious."

Hermione laughed again.

"And believe me," Melissa continued, "I mean that as the highest compliment. But, well, for me, I found that my husband was rather clingy and hovering over me. It was a bit much and drove me absolutely mad."

"YES!" exclaimed Hermione. "I can't even go to the loo by myself. I step out of the shower and he's standing there with a towel. And for someone who was single for decades, let me tell you, we passed 'a bit much' a few weeks ago. He's lucky I haven't wrung his neck!"

Melissa laughed sympathetically. "Oh, I remember. My poor husband – he was constantly hovering. And the worst part was he was so pleased with himself about it. Like he thought he was getting a special super-over-achiever-husband award for being so attentive and caring."

"Oh, that is so true!"

Melissa slowed her laughing for a moment. "But, you know Hermione, it took us a long time to figure out what we were both doing. I hope you two can figure things out faster and with less heartache than we experienced."

"What do you mean figure out what you were both doing?"

"Well, at that point I was so emotionally devastated from all of our miscarriages. I wasn't just grieving that baby, but the ones that came before, and the ones that would never come in the future. I was grieving my dream of ever being a mum. And then on top of that I was sore. Well, you know – it is no picnic to recover from. So, I needed space to grieve and figure out what my body was doing. Then when he wouldn't give me space – physically or emotionally – well, it became a powder keg I suppose. I think we finally got into a screaming match over something extremely irrelevant like leaving socks on the floor. I even left! Drove to an inn two towns over and checked myself in there just to be alone for a few days."

"Brilliant idea," Hermione teased.

"Well, yes. It was a survival tactic I turned to several times in my marriage, and most of the time it worked out well. But that time it didn't."

"May I ask why?"

"Because I hadn't realized what he was struggling with. I was so busy thinking about the dream and the possibility of family that was gone. But he was petrified that he was going to lose his only family – which was me. I really underestimated how frightened he had been about the whole experience. The other miscarriages were sad, but with that ectopic pregnancy I could have died. And that was not something he had considered before."

"Huh," Hermione said quietly.

"I would venture a guess that your Ron is quite similar. Maybe worse. Here he finally finds you after being single so long, and then you have an unexpected crisis where you are almost gone. Wouldn't surprise me if keeping you within arm's reach is more about protecting his own heart and soothing his own fears than about being a super husband. I am sure he loves you and wants you to be cared for. But I think he is scared to death about the idea of losing you."

Hermione was quiet for a minute, and Melissa simply sipped at her tea, giving her space to think. Finally, she said, "I left today. I didn't walk out and head to a hotel exactly, but I told him I was going for a drive. He asked where 'we' should go. I promptly told him he wasn't invited, grabbed my purse and walked out. I didn't look back. He's probably worried sick."

"Has he been blowing up your mobile?"

"I turned it off," cringed Hermione.

"Hermione," Melissa said in a teacher voice. "Turn it on right now and let that poor boy know you are ok."

Hermione nodded through tears as she reached for her phone. She turned it on and watched as her phone buzzed a dozen times, indicating each missed call and text from her increasingly frantic husband. She sighed and leaned her face into her hands.

"It's ok," Melissa said gently. "Text him that you are ok and had left the phone off by accident and let him know when you will be home. Take the time you need to get your head in a good place, but then you need to talk to him."

"I hadn't thought about it from his perspective," she sniffed. "I feel like such a terrible wife."

"No! That wasn't the point. I don't want you to feel bad. You just need to be able to get to a place where you can BOTH understand what the other is feeling."

"It just feels like he isn't sad about the baby at all. I mean we weren't trying, and I am not sure we wouldn't have freaked out at first. But it was ours," she said crying harder now. "And while we have two amazing children, we didn't raise them together from infancy. I know some would think it's about biology, but it's not. Well not for me anyway. But he never got to be a dad from the start. And Hugo will go off to school soon and then we don't know what we want."

Melissa scooted her chair next to Hermione and pulled her into a tight hug. "Just let it out, love. Heaven knows you have had to have all of this bottled up. Just let it out."

Hermione cried on Melissa's shoulder until she could feel herself calming down. Finally, she took some calming breaths. "Sorry," she apologized.

"Don't be silly," Melissa retorted. "Isn't that what family is for?" she added with a wink.

"Yes," nodded Hermione. "Yes it is. You're right. And you are amazing. You have been exactly what I needed today. I am so glad your Gran and Mrs. Carrington had better things to do than hang out with us today."

"Me too. And I would love to do this again when you are happier and healthier."

"I hope we will do that," said Hermione. "And you are right. I need to let Ron know I'm ok. But I am going to go spend some time alone before I go home or I really wouldn't be any good to anybody."

"I'm glad. That is not only sensible, but it shows you are taking care of yourself – body and soul, which is so important at a time like this."

Hermione got up to leave, but gave Melissa a tight embrace first. "Thanks again."

"Anytime."

Hermione made her way back to the car and sat there looking at her phone. While she thought she should call him, she decided she wasn't in a good frame of mind to talk to him just yet. Instead she texted him. "I am so sorry- I had the phone turned off and just now realized I had scared you. I apologize. That was not at all my intention. I just needed to be alone for a bit and get my head on straight. I promise the phone is on now, and I will come home as soon as I start feeling tired if not before. And I will call if I need anything. I love you – I just needed a few hours alone. Sorry if I upset you. See you in a few hours. Love, H"

She wasn't surprised when she got a reply almost instantly. "I've been really worried about you. The last thing I wanted was to upset you. Thank you for letting me know you're ok. I love you, Hermione. You are my whole world. Love, R"

Reading his note made her sigh with both contentment and sadness. She really hadn't meant to hurt him. She just needed space. Without thinking too much, she found herself driving towards the park by the stream where she and Dennis used to take the kids to play when they were younger. She went and sat on the bench near the area Rose and Hugo used to call 'the giant waterfall,' but was actually just a few big rocks that caused the water to bubble and churn as it flowed by. It was cold, but she remembered the warming charm Ron had taught her, and she was quite comfortable. Closing her eyes, she listened to the sound of the babbling water, the wind rustling the leaves and the birds chirping and flying about. She sat and enjoyed the feeling of simply being, watching the scene in front of her. She thought a lot, and cried a bit, but mostly she was simply still. After a while, she left the park and drove to the cemetery where the Creeveys were buried. Making her way to Dennis' grave, she sat on the ground, leaning against his headstone.

"I hate that you are not here. But, now maybe you can take care of my little one just as I take care of yours," she said as she started to cry. "Somehow we just get to parent each other's children, but there is no one I would trust more with the job." At that the tears flowed much heavier, and she let herself simply weep, eventually lying down and curling up in a ball on the grass. "I miss you, you know," she sniffed. "Hugo is so amazing. And I know you are so proud of him. And I tell him we have to be happy and sad. But right now I am just all sad. And I really wish you were here to hug me and tell me it is all going to be ok. And, I don't just miss you for him, you know. You were my best friend and my family for so long, and I just miss you."

She closed her eyes and listened to the wind in the trees, and eventually even dozed off for a bit. She slowly awoke, and when she finally opened her salt crusted eyes she saw six birds sitting on the fence at the edge of the cemetery. Five were full sized, but the sixth was much tinier. As a gust of wind came in, it startled the birds, and the first five flew off together. The last little bird sat there and watched Hermione for several moments until one of the larger birds came back to fuss at it. With that, the little bird joined the small flock and they all flew off together. As she watched them fly off, she felt a lightness in her chest that had not been there in weeks. A smile crept across her face as she saw the birds turn into distant specks in the sky. Then with a contented sigh, she slowly kissed her hand, touched it to Dennis' grave and then stood up to go home.