Chapter 6
Failure
I dream that I could fly – feeling free. But then my dream changes. I see a woman that resembles me but with different clothes. Clothes that I know I never have worn. Medieval clothes. It seems like I'm some kind of – of – maid or something. Scenes are going fast and I can only see a few glimpses of incompatible dreams. One time I see a face of an impish man telling me to scrub the floors or to concentrate harder.
What stays the most with me is the giggle. It's this high pitch – but not annoying – funny giggle. It makes me want to laugh too. On another thread I see the same girl wearing this nice green dress walking outside with a basket in her hands.
When I see purple smoke surround me a scream wakes me up. Sweat is dripping down my face and every image that was so clear on my vision begins to fade. I throw the sheets off of me and head over to the bathroom. There I find my meds which helps me to calm down. Ever since that weird woman is in town these weird dreams are getting worse. I went to Archie who said I have heard too much of Henry's stories. Add the busy days of work and stress for not having my money on time for the rent… – he just recommends to sleep some more and maybe take some days off.
I tried to take more naps, but every time I try to close my eyes it comes again. Those hurriedly snaps of images and little movies in my head. They are keeping me awake and other people start to notice. I'm more nervous for something to go wrong – which it will because of that anxiety. Granny has warned me that I shouldn't make any more mistakes. She even gave me a week off to get some rest. Today – however – is the last day. Tomorrow I need to be fresh and clear at work again.
I walk over to the kitchen where I switch the button of the coffee machine on and head back for the bedroom to change.
Today – I am going to Archie. Well I don't know what to tell him really. Not more than last time, I mean. He seems to just know what to talk about. Even if I – myself – don't know what is bothering me – Archie knows what's best. It was November and the chill air around town wasn't doing anything to lighten up the spirits. The coffee did at least something to erase the hard edge from the lack of sleep. I sip some of the awesome beverage as I open my laptop to look at the photo's I made a few day ago. It always amazes me that – even though I have lived here forever – I still haven't seen everything off this town. Little things – like the birdhouse at the school or the ducks nest at the end of the lake near the forest. Those tiny little things that are so peaceful and nice to look at.
I watch the clock and it says it's a little past nine. I hop off my chair and put on my green jacket. Have I told you all that green is my favorite color? Well – it is.
"Hi Archie." I greet the nervous looking man. "Oh… Hi Hazel. I was not expecting to see you here today. How are the dreams." There is something odd about Archie today. He even seems more at a mental breakdown then normal. I wonder what it is that bothers my friend but he gets me out of my train of thoughts by asking if I needed something to drink. "No thank you Archie. I'm fine. It's just – those dreams. It's something that feels so real – yet – I don't know. Help me out here Archie. I'm really going to lose it if this continues on like this." Archie smiles and let a little sigh scape his lips.
"Hazel, what is it you fear the most." – "At the moment?" I ask while he nod. "I don't know, Archie. I think it is life that makes me this way." I look up to him. "That sounds depressing though. I don't feel depressed. I feel like I'm not myself. As if someone else is taking over me." He got up and went over to his desk and scribbled something on a piece of paper.
"Here," Archie says while rounding his desk – giving the note to me. "Get this at the pharmacy and you will have a dreamless sleep." I thanked him and stood up, but before I left he says: "Be careful with the medicine, though. Don't use it longer than three days in a row. They are highly addictive."
Archie, please I sigh in my head. Does he always need to make me feel like some junkie who is getting the stuff. As I walk away I roll my eyes and stuff the note in my pocket.
After picking up the medicine at the pharmacy I walk around in the park. It is so nice and quiet in the morning. Just what I need. The trees are whooshing left and right – the water rippled because of that cold heavy wind. My hands got cold so I put them in the pockets of my coat and walk a bit faster. "Miss Black, what a pure coincidence. How are you today?" A voice behind me asks. I immediately recognize the voice – not by the way it sounds. No – It is more the way it's pronounced.
Everybody here in Storybrooke calls me Hazel. There are only two persons in this whole town that calls me 'miss Black'. One being mayor Mills and the other person… "Mr. Gold." I say while turning around. How did he ever limp this quick behind me? "I'm fine." I smile – not one of those stupid smiles… luckily. "Fine?" He repeats - a smile on his own face – emphasizing that he knew better. He walks besides me – his cane making this ticking sound on the concrete path. "I've noticed your absent at the dinner." He mentioned while giving this side glance. "I was – not feeling well." Technically I wasn't lying, right?
"But I'm all better now." I quickly follow seeing – I don't know – concern in his eyes. "Good." From there it becomes very awkward. The only conversation with this length with Mr. Gold concerned my rent and nothing more.
"Do you still like it at the diner?" He asks abruptly, dodging my 'off guard' face. "I ah - well of course I do. It's nothing special, but it pays just enough for me to pay the bills." The moment it comes out of my mouth I curse myself in my mind. A large amount of my monthly check goes to the rent – rent I have to pay to Mr. Gold. I look to the ground – avoiding his face and hoping this would end soon.
"Well I must go to my shop. I hope to see you again, miss Black." He smiles and nod his head. I just smile and bid him farewell. The walk home was a quiet one – making my thoughts fill the silence.
Of course I like it at the diner. I liked the rhythm of things. The schedule in the morning of arriving, putting my apron on, butting the orders in the oven and cleaning the floor of the kitchen just before opening. I find it soothing and something else… safe maybe?
My train of thoughts only continued from there on.
Why had he asked those questions? Did I look unhappy at Granny's? No that couldn't be. I always make sure I put my costumer face on when I leave the kitchen. You know – that annoying smile that is to plastic fantastic. Yes – precisely – that one.
When I'm home I throw my boots off and jump on the couch. Just when I close my eyes on my - way too used – couch, my cell rings.
"Hi Rubs"
"Hazel!" Ruby almost yells from the other side of the phone.
"What's wrong?" I asked hearing a lot of other voices – making it hard to filter out her voice.
"A lot of my friends decided to have a party over here. If you are feeling well enough - could you please come over and help me out here?"
I rolled my eyes. I feel so lazy at the moment I almost wish I had it in me to lie. "I'm fine. I will be there as soon as I can. Let me put on some more suitable working clothes."
We hang up the phone as I let out a yawn as I stretch out. Well, there goes my plan of doing nothing. I put on a red long sleeved shirt and black jeans – I like to dress in the colors of the diner. Unlike Ruby I like it decent though. She is more of the tight fit – I don't have this awesome body like her so I like to cover my 'problem areas' up.
"I'm here!" I almost need to shout to get over the noise but Ruby hears me anyway. "Here, could you please take the orders. I'll make them." The party keeps going far past closing time but Ruby don't seem to be bothered. I on the other hand am a walking ghost. "Ruby, can I get a break. I need to sit for a few minutes." She nods although she looks at me like I'm whining sod. Granny is closing off the cash register as she head to the back house to – probably – call it for the night.
"Busy night?" As if this night wasn't the worst he needed to show up. "A real one." I replay – irritation in my voice. This – however – didn't stop him from limping further my way. "I just wanted to explain my question that I so bluntly asked you." He slashes this cute smile again which I need to avoid or else I know I'll become this awkward idiot again.
"I am in need of an – ah – employee. One that wants to clean my home." He says while his fingers play with the flower on the wall. "The previous one – and old lady – retired a week ago." I look him over. "And you thought to ask me. Someone with a job." He laughs softly - more like a chuckle. "Believe it or not, miss Black. But you are the only person in town that doesn't cower away when they see the sight of me."
I couldn't help but laugh. Well I do feel nervous when he is around. But not because I'm afraid. Well partly I am – because of all the rumors in town. But I think I really do care what he thinks of me. It goes silent. "The offer still stands. I hope that you want to take the job. It would be nice to have someone near to me that doesn't feel the need to crawl under the furniture." At that moment the door flung open and people start heading home. They got a few awkward looks from people like Mary Margret and that new roommate of her – Emma.
"Think about it." He says while limping away. I watch him as the goes to his car. "Done?" Ruby asks – irritation dripping from her face. I give her a confused look. Why act up like I'm some piece of shit? I came here to help you out of trouble. But that – I didn't tell her. I just follow. Like always. Boring old me – I know.
The rest of the week I tried my best to show them I'm just like the old Hazel. The meds did the magic though. I almost sleep dreamless. Almost. Some night I wake up in a cold sweat – panting heavily. The dreams did stay away, only a few scenes remained strong and sometimes replayed like short little movies as soon as I close my eyes. On those days I really wish I didn't need to wake up early and could lay in just a little bit more. But today I wasn't that lucky.
The unthinkable happened today…
I overslept.
A few short dreams had broken free from the deep back of my mind and somehow my brains thought it was a wonderful idea to smash the alarm clock against the wall. When I open my eyes and the late autumn sun hit my face I jump up. No – not now. Please tell me I'm not too late. But I know better than that. I am over two hours late and when I check my phone I could see I've missed sixteen calls from both Ruby and Granny. My heart beats in my throat – knowing this could be the day I become unemployed – as I call back.
"Where the hell are you!" I hear Ruby yell. "I had one day off and you fuck up!" I had to hold the phone away from my ear as not to damage them. "Come here now so I can go back to bed." I just slimed my butt off and ran out the door.
"There you are." Granny says – irritation in her voice as I walk by. I wanted to shrink six size just to be barely visible. "I'm sorry Granny. It will never happen again." She puffs and says: "You said this two times already. Why not show me you can handle this." I duck my head and walk to the back of the diner to put on my apron and go finish the pastries. Ruby looked like she was ready to rip me apart. Her stare could kill me – making me dodge the evil glares from her
"Try not to fall asleep while baking those." She says while throwing her white apron at me. "Or else I will kill you." I just stood there with her apron in my hands. The more mistakes I make – the more I feel alone and well – miserable.
"Hazel!" Granny says, making me jump almost out of my skin. "Yes? Granny?" I pop my head around as she did not show herself in the kitchen. My hair must look like a mess after not combing it today and there must be traces of make up under my eyes because I forgot to wash my face while rushing to work.
"I want to sit down with you. Are you done with the cupcakes?" She asks as I hear a kind of empathy in her voice. She didn't look angry nor did she sound that way. I nod and follow her to the back of the diner – since it was around eleven-ish – lunch hour hadn't started yet.
As I sit down I can feel this bubbling sensation inside the pit of my stomach. I can sense that this isn't just a talk – this is going to be the talk.
"Hazel, dear." She begins and looked almost apologetic. Wat was she going to say and I hoped she wasn't going to fire me just because of recent failures. I've worked here since I was fifteen. I mean – never had I once failed as much as I did lately.
"I want to talk with you about your recent – ah – actions." The old woman search my eyes for any emotion. Although I feel everything – varying from fear end embarrassment to anger towards myself for I hated that I brought myself into this – I didn't show it. My face just shows this neutral expression.
"I'm sorry that I was late today, ma'am." I say while fiddling with the hem of my sleeve. "I swear it would never happen again." The words came out easier when I thought it would. My nerves are involuntarily starting to show. I just know my neck is getting red as it is not reaching my face.
A tiny smile started to form on the woman's lips – but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I know you try hard to give your best. And I can see the way you are doing the rest of your job with passion. It's just – I really tried to give you a lot of changes." At this moment panic did reach my face as I could feel the heat crawl under my skin. "I'm sorry I have to tell you this Hazel. But I'm only giving you one last chance. If you screw up - I will need to let you go." Tears start to form in my eyes but I blink them away and when I know that my voice didn't sound like I had swallowed two unions I say: "Thank you, ma'am. I won't let it happen ever again." She just had this polite smile and says: "Well, you can leave early. I called someone else to fill in your shift. Go home and think about today. You will need to start over fresh, tomorrow." With a last nod she stands up and get back to the counter do some administration.
In the kitchen - I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. My hands started to shake and I needed to breath in and out to get to my senses. Okay we had survived this – but that means we can't screw up ever again. Thinking of the last two weeks I felt my heart sink. I don't know what makes me more clumsy in this period of time. The more I am aware of this – the more I fail. I can't lose this job. I will lose everything.
You can always take Gold's job. – That sneaky little voice in my head tells me. I pushed it away. I need this job. – I tell myself over and over again while I hang up my apron.
