I put cameos in my writing that I expect go unnoticed. Cameos for myself.

0o0o0o

Yao drifted, numb and silent, towards a brighter world. It was loud, the brightness, and rough, and it made everything hurt. But there was a gentle hand on his, and as he drifted upwards he thought Ivan.

When he opened his eyes, Kiku was there instead, and the sight banished Ivan from his mind for precious little time.

'Yao,' he said, sounding both too young and too old. Around them, Yao caught snatches of words, of people yelling at them, at people trying to explain. The lights were too hot, excitement, blood sugar, bad food. He'd heard all the excuses before. He was tired, and weary, and he hurt. He wanted to leave with Kiku, or leave and find Ivan, and have one of them assure him of things he couldn't himself. Of course, he didn't get that luxury. He was a fleet leader, and fleet leaders didn't get to run away.

'Sorry,' he said. Kiku shook his head.

'It wasn't your fault.'

'Do they know what caused my…' Yao gestured, and tried to sit up. Someone gently pushed him back down.

'Sorry, sir. They say you shouldn't overexert yourself.'

Yao recognized the voice. When he looked up, he met the eyes of the nurse Leon had been with. Tino, wasn't it? As if in confirmation, Tino nodded and offered him a small smile.

'Not really. The tests showed nothing abnormal. It seems it was just overexcitement,' Kiku said.

'Good. I suppose.' This time, when Yao pushed himself back up, Tino let him. 'Does that mean I'm free to leave?'

'I think they'd rather keep you here for a while,' Tino interjected apologetically. 'Though I'm not sure.' His brow was furrowed in what seemed graver concern than Yao's faint warranted. He shifted from foot to foot, glancing around furtively.

'Tino, c'n you move?' A taller doctor moved in. Yao craned his neck to meet his steely blue eyes. 'I'm D'ctor Oxenstierna,' he mumbled. 'They say y'r abl' to leave now.' He grunted. 'M're for PR than anyth'ng.'

'Because it sounds bad if you're sick, and they've got enough in their hands trying to explain the event alone. Don't tell anyone I said that,' Tino rambled.

'I won't,' Kiku assured him with half a smile.

'Thanks, Kiku. Thank you, Berwald,' Tino said with the first real smile Yao had seen. The tall doctor's face softened marginally, and he nodded and moved out of earshot.

Tino knelt down.

'Tino?'

'I'm sorry,' he said quietly. Yao stared at him, thrown by the change in his eyes. Haunted. It brought back bad memories he'd tried too hard to repress, and they swelled in his throat and clouded his eyes. Those eyes spoke of too much, of pain and nightmares and gnawing, gnawing guilt.

'I know,' he whispered. Kiku's hand tightened on his.

'For Leon.' Tino stared at the ground. 'He was a good boy.' Yao met his eyes, blue with something shattered near their core. 'And a good friend.'

'I know.'

Tino's eyes fluttered, and he bowed his head.

0o0o0o

A battery of medical test sheets balanced in his arms, an uneasiness settled in his stomach, and too many meetings to decide how his faint would be explained away. Kiku had left him after he'd strode out of the medical bay unassisted with a promise to check up on him later, and now Yao walked along the winding hallways of his starships with only his thoughts to distract him.

A few words worried at his heart. Dark words with frightening shapes and long shadows. He pushed them away, but they drew closer and closer through his attempts to banish them until they consumed him, took up every space in his fearful heart and rooted deep inside.

Coughing virus.

What if he'd caught it? From Leon, from someone else in the bay-no, impossible, he thought with more than a hint of bitterness, the Russian leader had ensured that. The bill only awaited confirmation. But the words cast their shadows over him still.

He walked faster, mind whirring, furious and helpless, dizzy and mind going to revenge on the leader or a strike against someone to raise his publicity again. He scrabbled for his device and pressed Kiku's number.

'What are my publicity ratings?'

Kiku paused. 'Lower than before.'

'What do we do to raise them?'

'I don't think there's anything we can do-'

'We have to,' he snapped. Kiku didn't respond for a long moment.

'You've been stressed lately,' he said quietly. Yao frowned impatiently.

'What can we do, Kiku?' Yao demanded. This time, he didn't respond at all. 'Kiku!'

'I'll see,' Kiku said, and disconnected. Yao pulled the device away from his ear with a scowl and punched in Ivan's number instead.

'Meet me. My rooms,' he said.

'Yao, wait.'

Yao frowned, but paused. 'What?'

'Are you okay?'

The words broke Yao's haze. He felt like he was rising out of the world of painkillers again, in the hospital bed.

'I'm-I'm sorry,' he breathed. Ivan hummed, voice heavy.

'I will be there soon, okay.'

0o0o0o

When Ivan got there, Yao was slumped on his bed.

'I yelled at Kiku,' he said defeatedly. Ivan sat down next to him, and Yao leaned into his hands in his hair. He sat there silently, eyes conflicted for the longest of seconds, then grabbed for his device, punching buttons, and waited. The tone rang once, twice, thrice. Nothing, and Yao bit off a sob and tried again, again until Kiku picked up silently.

'I'm sorry,' Yao said. The words spilled out of him like the speech, making his heart thrum and pain. 'I'm sorry. I realize what I've been doing these last few days, and I'm-I'm so sorry.'

'Yao,' Kiku said quietly. Yao could practically hear his pain. 'Later, okay?'

'Kiku-'

'Yao, I know. But later.'

'Okay,' he said softly, and Kiku disconnected again. Yao slumped against him, eyes drained and dull.

'He said 'later',' he said. Ivan nodded.

'You can worry later. Are you okay?'

'I'm fine,' Yao assured him. 'Really.' He still seemed preoccupied.

'What happened?' Ivan pressed. Yao gave him a look.

'I fainted. Onstage. While giving a speech.'

'I heard you had started to deviate from the script,' Ivan said, a pit starting to grow horribly in his stomach. 'What were you feeling while you were speaking?'

'Excited. Alive. Dizzy,' Yao listed. 'What does this have to do with anything?'

Ivan looked into his eyes, harder now and yet still the copper he'd fallen in love with.

'Nothing,' he lied.

They lay there for the precious little time Yao has before his first meeting, hands tangled in scarves and in hair. Ivan's mind hummed with worry and all the pieces he couldn't put together, and tried to lose the shadows in Yao's brightness.

0o0o0o

The first meeting with his advisors was as awkward as Yao thought it pointless. Kiku sat to his right, as per usual, and stared at the table. Yao fielded questions about how he wanted it handled alone.

'There will be no mention of the coughing virus,' he commanded. 'Not even to reassure that I do not have it. Excitement. Excitement is what happened.' He paused, sweeping the table with his gaze. It caught on Kiku, and he pulled away before he could voice the thousand apologies waiting on his lips.

'As you wish,' someone said. The sound of tapping filled the room. Yao pressed his lips together. He may have been young, but not young enough to ignore the question hovering in every glance, every breath. Yao cleared his throat and pushed his chair back. The tapping stopped. Yao looked down. Kiku was finally looking at him. He met his eyes.

'I do not have the coughing virus,' he said again, loudly. They said nothing more until he was allowed to leave, but he assured himself Kiku's eyes had flickered with relief for even half a second.

0o0o0o

Next was the meeting with the Russian ambassadors, Natalya cold by his side. That was the main difference between them, he thought idly, spinning his pen. Natalya was icy and Ivan was warm underneath the scarf and the metal.

'What happened?' Natalya asked him. He nodded at the rest and delivered his not-quite lie perfectly.

'Excitement. The emotion of both the crowd and I caused an unfortunate health complication. The doctors are assured there will be no short-term, long-term, or lasting effects.'

This time, they glanced at each other for a second before the tapping began again. He wasn't sure if it was good or not.

Beside him, Natalya stared into her device for a long moment before deliberately tapping out a short sentence. Consumed by curiosity, Yao surreptitiously adjusted his chair as he checked his own device, and spotted just a few words. It was a message.

Confirmed unsuspicious. Will employ

He sat back in fear. Natalya closed the device.

0o0o0o

'You said 'later',' Yao said humourlessly. Kiku nodded, hands twisted in his robes. The silence stretched and Yao wore a broken look and whispered apologies again.

'It's okay.'

'Is it?' Yao sat back hard, head snapping towards the ceiling. 'I don't know what I'm doing,' he confessed softly. 'I'm scared.'

Kiku reached for him and Yao collapsed, soft broken sounds and a lifetime of not knowing. Kiku felt anger begin it's forge in his stomach, not at Yao but at all the fate that had led them here. He used to be the one who had to be comforted, but those times were a lifetime ago.

'So you forgive me?' Yao asked, sounding like a child.

'Always,' Kiku promised, for it was a promise. He would forgive Yao anything.

'Thank you,' the elder breathed, and sunk further into his arms. When he pulled back, he winced.

'Yao?'

'Sorry. I always seem to hurt nowadays,' he said with a quick, watery smile. Kiku frowned, and Yao laughed. 'Sharp and quick pains. They leave quickly. Don't worry.'

Kiku nodded to stop the worried cast to his teacher's eyes and offered him a piece of paper. 'I found some PR things that have worked in the past.'

'You didn't have to,' Yao said, his mouth quirking to a half smile. Kiku shook his head. Yao read through the options. 'How about I go with another speech?'

'That might be a bad idea,' Kiku started. Yao shrugged.

'Listen, if I faint another time, we can blame the lights and some obscure medical condition I magically contracted and I won't have to make up this 'excitement' stuff.' He grinned, and for the first time Kiku could remember in too long, he smiled back.

'Now.' Yao jumped up and motioned to his old-style chalkboard. He'd always insisted on keeping it no matter how much of the powdery chalks Kiku has to brush off his silks before he entered a room. 'What should I say in the speech?'

'Don't make it casual,' Kiku warned. Yao gave him a look. 'It will seem like you don't take it seriously.'

'Just a formal address about how the faint was nothing to worry about and I got overexcited. A nod to their enthusiasm.' Yao wrote it down. 'Anything else?'

'How you do not have the coughing virus,' Kiku said. Yao's face tightened, and he nodded.

0o0o0o

A bottle sat on the desk between them. Natalya watched it, absorbed into the stillness.

'You said Nobleman Yao found nothing strange about it?' her leader asked. Natalya shook her head.

'His doctors could have found something and not revealed it,' she pointed out. Her leader tapped his lips with a pen and a laugh.

'Ivan doesn't go to doctors.'

0o0o0o

I wonder why.

:: The sound at night that is wind or faraway cars, one and the same