I think I decide things at the same time the characters do. I would apologize for their decisions.
0o0o0o
'We've had a few problems,' the man said conversationally. 'Have you heard anything from your sister about it?'
'No,' Ivan admitted honestly. 'We do not discuss the fleet much.'
'When you do, what do you talk about?' his leader pressed. 'The alliance? Nobleman Yao?'
His pulse jumped. 'No.'
'You do, though. Don't you.'
Ivan almost scoffed at what he'd thought about this being just the normal meeting where he was pressed for answers he didn't have.
'I am not his ambassador.'
'Hmm.' His leader studied him carefully. 'But that has not stopped you from listening when he panics about you being in danger.'
His heart skipped a beat. Here it was; what all the pointless talk and drink was for. He raised his head.
'It was not Yao.' A plead, his last and futile attempt. But perhaps if he tried, he could keep Yao safer.
His leader said nothing. There was no need to. Ivan stared down into the redness of his glass. More like blood than silk. He could wonder again how his leader knew later, though if it mattered escaped him at the moment.
Ivan wanted to say you knew. He wanted to make some hurt better but no matter what he tried to do, it only seemed to get worse and worse and worse.
'Ivan.'
'Yes?' he said dully.
'Be careful.'
He laughed humourlessly. The taste of the wine on his tongue was bitter and heady and like Yao in everything except brightness.
0o0o0o
He held his breath as he walked towards the corner. Should he close his eyes? Should he not run away this time and let himself go? What doctor would take him? Would the Nordic doctor be able to save him?
He made the decision and closed his eyes and stopped. He waited for the voice-Braginsky-that never came.
He opened his eyes slowly. Nobody appeared to punish him for what he had been forced to become. He took a cautious step forward. He held his breath. Nobody. Why?
He would think about it later. Now he would run and try to figure everything out. If he didn't have to think of Yao, maybe he could disappear to the observatory for hours and hours and fall asleep under the nebulae.
0o0o0o
Yao dialed again and again and again, not caring that it could be tracked or what he would say when Ivan finally picked up. He needed to know everything, he needed to know that the wine had drugged him and that Kiku was trying something insane and maybe that Yao needed him not to handle him like glass and not to say goodbye because he could get better.
But Ivan wouldn't pick up and Yao could feel his heart racing and hurting. Another dial. Another. His fingers were numb and his head was pounding and he finally threw the device down and slammed the glass wall with his fist.
'Damn you, Ivan,' he shouted. It sounded good. 'Damn you, because you're furious and impulsive about the wrong things and you don't know anything and you were born on Earth-'
'So I was.'
Yao whirled. Ivan stood at the door, eyes unreadable. 'Ivan.'
'It was a long time ago when you worried about that,' he said. Yao laughed tiredly and balanced himself against the control panel.
'Once.' He looked down at his device and then up at the stars. 'Once.'
'Do you still want Earth?'
'As much as I used to. There are just other things I cannot have.' The ache for Earth had settled in him now, a weight he carried among the sharper pains of his heart and Ivan. 'Will you tell me more of Earth once everything is over?'
'I will.' Ivan came closer and Yao closed his eyes as he felt the familiar touch of Ivan fixing his hair. Just for a moment, he could relax in the glow of the stars. But too soon, he had to open his eyes and tell him.
'I was drugged, you know.'
Ivan stilled. His hand tightened on Yao's shoulder. 'When did this happen, Yao?'
'A few days ago. It caused my faint.' He touched Ivan's hand, and his grip loosened. 'It was when I went to the meeting with Natalya, and we think it was in my wine.'
Ivan's fingers bit into his shoulder for a searing, agonizing second before he pulled away and stared out towards the glass. 'In your wine?' he said softly.
'What happened, Ivan?'
'What does the drug do?' he continued, as if he had not heard. Yao pressed his lips together.
'We're-Kiku and I are not sure. It appears to be targeting my heart.'
Ivan was silent, still staring out at the stars.
'Is there anything you want to say, Ivan?' Yao pressed. Ivan was motionless.
'About the files, Yao.'
'What did you find?' Yao asked. Something guilty and bitter curled inside of him at his panicked insistence that Ivan risk everything for a head start on fate.
'I am not in danger.'
'Oh, Ivan.' Yao let out a long breath. If they could just slip the file back, Ivan was safe, and the idea filled him with a lightness he'd all but forgotten. Knowing Ivan was safe would be everything.
'My leader knows I have it. He knew everything.'
Yao felt the words as dullness, scraping, rough. The lightness disappeared, and he felt numb. He was too tired to be horrified or angry. It was too much to hope Ivan could be safe.
'Everything? He set it up?' Yao laughed and ran a hand through his hair. It hurt, but far away for now. He had been played.
'I think so.' Ivan clasped his hands behind his back, still looking outwards. 'I did not know until I came back.'
'If you had gone knowing, I…'
'Would have questioned who's side I was on,' Ivan offered. It was impossible to see how he was feeling when he was staring at the stars.
'I would have,' Yao said bluntly. He couldn't find it in him to soften the words. Ivan turned suddenly and strode towards him. Yao was reminded of how huge the man was, how he held himself. Proudly, always, but now with a hint of desperation.
'You must understand that whatever is happening is not between our fleets,' he said. His fingers matched the tenderness where they'd been before.
'None of this has ever been between our fleets, Ivan.'
'It has sides.' Ivan's blue eyes searched his, impassable and deep. 'I am on your side.'
'Sometimes it feels like you might be the only one who is,' Yao said. He pulled away. Ivan's grip hurt.
'Are you angry with me, Yao?' Ivan asked. He sounded childish, far away in memory.
'I am tired of being angry,' Yao said.
Ivan sat beside him, and Yao sank to his knees and allowed himself to be held until he was on the verge of sleep. Ivan carried him carefully to his rooms after that.
0o0o0o
Ivan closed the door carefully. He'd left Yao's key on his table. He should get the file back. He was almost certainly in danger. The thoughts swirled in his head. He wanted to go back to the observatory.
Was he drugged? What would happen to him? Was it fatal?
No. First the file. Then the stars. Though did it matter if he returned the file, since his leader knew? Yes, he decided.
He'd memorized the path between their fleets and their rooms now, and walked it through muscle memory. He would handle the file and then talk to his sister. He ached at the thought of her. She was kind and almost certainly was not motivated by anything other than obedience. She had tried to warn him, even if that was just a test from their leader.
The thoughts about the drug tugged at him.
He closed the door behind him and allowed himself a moment to collect his thoughts. His sister worked in the filing department, and would be finishing her shift soon. If he hurried, he would be able to talk to her as he replaced his file.
The folder was still where he'd kept it under the floorboard, and Ivan skimmed the contents one last time, ensuring everything was in place. This explained why his chest was metal and plastic, he thought with a hint of amusement, so simply that it could be packaged up in words. He slipped the folder into his coat and began walking to the filing department.
0o0o0o
Ivan wondered if anyone recognized him. Apart from the usual glances at his neck, nobody appeared to find his arrival unusual.
He made his way to the room he had taken his file from and knocked on the door. No answer. He pushed the handle. It refused to yield.
Where was his sister? Ivan straightened up and gazed around. He could see a hint of her hair in a far cubicle.
'Hello, Yekaterina,' he greeted. 'I need to drop something off in the filing cabinet. Can you open the door for me?'
She smiled at him, but her warm smile faded. 'Ivan, you are-'
'Please.' He nodded slowly. She hesitantly nodded back and led him to the door. She ran a card through the slot. Ivan motioned her in after him.
'Ivan, are you putting the file back?' she whispered. He nodded and withdrew the folder from his coat. Her eyes drew to it, and she swallowed.
How did you know I would be here?' He bent down and pulled open the B cabinet.
'I was not told anything except that you were intending to take your own file,' she said. Her eyes were wide with fear, darting to the door. Ivan replaced his file and gently touched her arm.
'Katyusha, I promise that you are not in trouble. You know nothing about why I was there? Nothing more than to come and tell me not to take the file?'
'Nothing,' she confessed.
'I needed to find out if I was in danger.' He smoothed her hair. The scarf around his neck fell forward, and with a gentle laugh, he pushed it back. 'Thank you.'
'Stay safe, Ivan.' She smiled, too. 'Please.'
'I will,' he assured her. 'I promise.'
0o0o0o
'It was successful?' Natalya asked. Her leader nodded.
'He ingested enough of the drug. He should start being affected soon.'
'And Nobleman Yao?'
'He will be fine.' Her leader made a noise of dismissal. His eyes sharpened. 'You said you deleted every trace of Yao's medical results.'
'I did.'
'One of the Middle fleet's ambassadors came to me with evidence that his faint was not caused by excitement,' he said. Natalya's pace quickened.
'Who?'
Her leader seemed as if he would not answer. Finally, he relented. 'Kiku Honda.'
Natalya tried to figure out how he'd gotten the results. She had brought Eduard in to wipe every trace from the computers.
'I do not know how that happened.' She ran her fingernail along the grain of the table. 'Is he threatening to release them?'
'He knows nobody would believe them.' Her leader's eyes stayed fixed on her face. 'He is using them to help Yao.'
'I don't know what we should do about it,' she admitted. Her leader nodded.
'For now, keep watch over Ivan and monitor his condition.' He pushed his chair back. 'Thank you.'
'Thank you.' She nodded and left.
0o0o0o
She called on an untraceable device and hoped Ivan would pick up.
'Hello?'
'Hello, Ivan. This is Natalya.'
Her brother was silent. 'Why are you calling me?' he asked finally.
She didn't know. She wanted to apologize, to say things that she would never say, to tell him about the drug if he hadn't figured it out himself.
'To talk.'
'Nothing is ever just to talk, Natalya,' he said.
'How are you, Ivan?' She gripped the device hard enough that her knuckles bleached. She could hear rustling on the other end. It was late.
'Good,' he said. His voice was not soft, but it was less guarded. 'How are you?'
'I am well.'
Silence again. All her apologies hovered on her tongue. The weight of guilt threatened to make them spill into voice. But she couldn't. Her tongue lay heavy and she could not move to say sorry or explain about the drugs or the plan.
'Natalya?'
'May you have good health,' she said. The irony of her own words bit at her.
'And may the stars come together for you,' Ivan said, so softly she thought she'd imagined it at first. Before she could ask what he meant, Ivan had ended the call.
0o0o0o
However, I pay for their decisions considerably less.
:: The weight of a heavy jacket on your shoulders
