It's only when he's turning out the lights that night that Mouse thinks to wonder why Erin didn't call Jay when she thought something was wrong, to find out where he lives, or once she arrived and found out what was happening. He turns his cell phone over and over in his hands – you need anything you call. He scrolls through his short contact list, thumb hovering over Erin's name, hating the way the centimeter between his skin and the screen becomes an ocean pressing on his chest and rapids in his veins. He sighs, and hits the home button, dropping the phone to his lap. A moment later he picks it back up and hits speed dial. It rings once, twice, half of a third –

"Hey, Mouse, just a sec, brushing my teeth."

"Okay." There's a slight clatter as Jay puts down the phone on the counter, then the rush of water and splashes, the clink of the toothbrush into its holder.

"Okay, what's up?" Mouse stalls out, opening his mouth without knowing what is supposed to come out. What he told Erin was true – it's never easy or simple, not even with Jay. There's a beat of silence before Jay jumps in again. "So did you hear that Voight is finally letting Erin move back into her apartment?" Mouse takes a breath, smiling gratefully.

"No, she didn't mention it. That's good news." He pauses, then goes on. "She called me today."

"Yeah?" Jay sounds intrigued, but actually less surprised that Mouse might have expected.

"Yeah. She actually called a few days ago first. I guess the Frazier thing rattled her and she wanted to check in."

"I never even thought…" Jay trails off.

"Neither did I," Mouse cuts in. "I was confused at first when she called. But she kind of explained it and it makes sense. She said that even though she knew I'd been a soldier she'd never thought of me that way – she's only ever seen me in the context of my tech stuff so it never clicked that I can take care of myself. And she'd never really considered that I'd end up in danger."

"That's so weird." Mouse raises an eyebrow before Jay rushes on. "I mean, it makes total sense, but I guess it's just so weird thinking that the team sees you as a civilian, you know?"

"Except maybe Olinsky," Mouse interjects, thinking of the appraising look he sometimes catches that would probably be unsettling coming from anyone else.

"Yeah, but that kind of comes back to the soldier thing, right? Plus Al is just Al, you know?" Mouse snorts slightly.

"I'm starting to."

"So then Erin called again earlier tonight?"

"Yeah." Mouse glances at the window, blinds lit up by stoplights and streetlights and city lights. New York's not the only city that never sleeps. "I had mentioned the first time that she could call anytime, and she'd been thinking about something else I said and… I guess she wanted to return the favor? You know, extend the same offer, and then she kinda… stumbled onto…" Mouse taps his fingers against his knee anxiously.

"A trigger," Jay finishes for him, concern colouring his voice.

"Yeah," Mouse sighs.

"A bad one?"

"Bad enough."

"And how are you now?"

"I'm okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. So what happened, with Erin?" Jay redirects.

"She didn't know, you know? But I couldn't – I mean you know how – she kept asking if I was okay. And I couldn't hang up, but I couldn't… eventually she just… she just says 'I'm coming over,' and that she has to hang up to drive but she'll be here soon and if I don't answer the door she's gonna pick it. And she called Platt to find out where I live, and came." He pauses to breathe, but Jay doesn't interrupt. "She knew what to do – better than you the first time," Mouse adds smiling just a little. He hears Jay chuckle quietly. "She asked, after. Obviously. Who wouldn't? And I told her, some of it. And then she asked… she asked me how I do it. How I talk about it so 'easily."

"And what'd you tell her?"

"The truth." He wants to tell Jay how Erin was envious, how she gripped her knees with white hands and wrestled with things she didn't say. He wants to, but he doesn't, because it's not his place. "Then we watched How to Train Your Dragon."

Jay laughs. "Of course you did. She liked it?"

"Obviously. Everyone loves dragons." Mouse grins for a moment before sobering. "It's just… I can't stop wondering why she didn't call you." Jay is silent for a beat on the other line.

"I don't know," he says finally. "You could ask – she did say you could call anytime, right?"

"I thought about it, but I just…" Mouse sighs.

"Well, someday you will."

"Yeah. Yeah, maybe." Mouse pauses. "Hey, Jay? She's a good listener."

"Mouse," Jay says tiredly, with resignation and just a little bit of warning, just as Mouse knew he would.

"I know. Just think about it, okay?"

"Yeah," Jay sighs. "You're sure you're doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay Jay."

"Okay. Call if you need me."

"Always. Goodnight."

"Night."

Mouse hangs up, staring at the phone in his hands for a moment before clicking it off and putting it on the nightstand. He clicks off the lamp and lays back, falling asleep staring up at slivers of flickering lights on the ceiling from the window.

He dreams in flickers and fragments. Sand – Collins' terrified face – Drew laughing at a joke someone told – a bottle of pills and a dirty warehouse and fumbling hands – white white walls and scratchy blankets – the snap of rapid fire – darkness and the smell of wet burlap – fireworks at the Fourth of July and panic – Jay's red-raw fists – breath-snatching crack punch of a bullet to the vest – the smell of burning flesh – blinding sting of black smoke – Rev half turned in his seat to talk to them in the back, laughing and smiling – Jay strung up on his computer screen – his father's lips, blue to match his eyes – spitting blood from his mouth like wishing well pennies – stale air in aching lungs and the long flight home – blue on blue last nod before battle – chafing flakes of cold rusted chains on wrists –

Mouse wakes in the night once, heart thrumming, shivering. He stares at the window, catching his breath, then rolls over without looking at the phone and slips back into confused fragments of nightmares.

AN: Reviews, reviews, you know how happy they make me!