A/N: Hello, everyone! Long time, no see, am I right?

Firstly, I'd like to thank each and everyone of you who has stuck around. As I'd promised, I did not (and will not!) give up on this story - I simply had to focus on something else for a while. I'm proud to say I've finished my first year of university with pretty awesome grades, and so now that I'm on break I can focus on this again!

On the bright side, we're almost at the end - only two more chapters left! I'm going to try to finish this fic over the summer but I make no promises.

It would probably do you well to reread the last one, maybe two chapters, but if you can't be arsed to do it, then here's a quick re-cap:

- Lily fancies James, though he has a girlfriend, Susan. Lily always feels guilty when she's around James because of said girlfriend, and so she tries distancing herself a little.

- This only makes James realise that while he really likes his girlfriend, it's nothing compared to how she feels about Lily.

- He makes plans to break up with Susan but keeps putting them off. Eventually, during an Hogsmeade visit, there's a Death Eater attack and Susan is taken.

PS! I highly recommend you listen to 'I'll be good' by Jaymes Young. It'll make you appreciate this chapter so much more.

Onto the story!

Disclaimer: I, in no way, shape, or form, own these characters or this world.


Chapter Thirteen

Or

I'll Be Good


DEATH EATERS INVADE HOGSMEADE VILLAGE

That was the headline of the Daily Prophet the morning after the attack. No names had been released, for the sake of the parents. As far as the wizarding world knew, all students had made their way back to the castle safely.

James, of course, knew different.


(I never meant to start a fire)

The weather started to warm up by the end of February. The customary blankets of snow had melted away and, every so often, the sun would come out and play.

Today was one of those days.

It felt mocking, really. As though their grief wasn't that bad, wasn't so legitimate, because at least they had the sun. James wanted to climb on his racing broom and punch it in the face. Unfortunately, that wasn't really a possibility, so he turned to other things; drank more than his fair share of Firewhisky, threw himself into Quidditch, got into trouble more often than not, all but ignored his friends, his brothers in everything but blood, and above all else... he kept his distance from Lily Evans.

Not that what had happened was her fault, and it wasn't that he blamed her exactly... well, maybe he did a little. She hadn't done anything wrong, but just looking at her felt like rubbing salt on an open wound. Because why else would he have left Susan by herself in the middle of an attack if not to run after his precious Lily?

If only he'd stayed by his girlfriend (his girlfriend, for Merlin's sake), maybe things could have turned out differently.

If only he hadn't been so fucking in love with Lily Evans, if only she wasn't the only god damn person on his mind, if only he hadn't been so desperate to get to her, maybe Susan would still be with them. Maybe Elizabeth wouldn't have spent the whole night sobbing inside her four poster, maybe the Daily Prophet wouldn't have had such a fucking field day with it all, maybe—

If only.

Sometimes the heart made the stupidest fucking decisions.

Hogsmeade visits had been cancelled for the remainder of the school year. The Gryffindor—Ravenclaw Quidditch match had been too, but James didn't care. The pitch was the only place where James felt like he could think. The wind on his face felt freeing, rather than stinging. It was James' own brand of masochism.

And so, that's where James would spend his time, whenever he wasn't sitting through a foolishly earned detention. In between classes, during meals… Even late at night, he'd throw on the Invisibility Cloak and march down there, and lie down on the grass. It was unfair that he had the privilege of sneaking around to watch the stars, while Susan, if somehow she was still alive, probably didn't even know what day it was.

He had a feeling Dumbledore knew. If not, McGonagall would for sure. After all, few people knew him better than his Transfiguration teacher. An old family friend, his mother's confidant during her youth, James had grown up on her tea and scones and tales of Quidditch matches. She knew him and, no doubt, she expected more. But James couldn't rise up to the challenge.

He knew getting himself into trouble wasn't the answer, but at least when he was scrubbing cauldrons and writing lines, he wasn't thinking. That's all James really wanted… to be able to stop thinking.


(I never meant to make you bleed)

Inside the girl's dormitory, the scenario wasn't much different. Elizabeth had spent a full week in bed before Lily had forcefully dragged her out and thrown her in the shower.

Elizabeth had kicked and screamed and spat but Lily paid her no mind. "It's a tragedy, and you're allowed to mourn and grieve, but you can't stop taking care of yourself, Liz," she'd said. "The Earth doesn't stop turning because Voldemort is a monster. A monster with power, yes, but a monster nonetheless."

She was… holding the fort, so to speak. Undoubtedly, Lily was going through a pretty difficult time herself, but, instead of cowering and hiding, Lily let the fear fuel her. She threw herself into work, spent double the time on essays, stepped up in Charms club, did all the prefect scutwork and led a small study group for the first years.

The entire castle was in mourning.

Lily reckoned the worst part of it all was the cruel lack of closure. There was no way of knowing if Susan were alive, if she were not, if she was locked away in some dungeon, cold, beaten, desperate for a way out… It had taken its toll on everyone.

Marlene was running herself ragged, grasping at straws trying to get her relationship back. "I'm not giving up on her," she'd tell Lily. "I can't just sit around and do nothing." Lily could definitely see where her friend was coming from and, to some extent, she shared the sentiment.

Mary, on the other hand, was back to having panic attacks on the regular. The bubbly side of her that had finally started to blossom ever since she and Bertram had broken it off was squashed back inside. More often than not, she'd land herself in the Hospital Wing, constantly polishing off Madame Pomfrey's stash of Calming Draught.

And James... her James was gone. He'd been replaced by a stoic and hard machine. Her James was broken and he wouldn't let her help him.

She had taken a liking to watching him. Or maybe she always had and now simply did so more openly. And so Lily had started to notice things.

She started noticing the way he'd ignore his friends' notes whenever they were in class; the way he'd just about storm off after the end of each lecture and make his way to the pitch no matter the weather; the way his hands would grip his wand tighter, like letting it fall would cause an uprising.

It was almost a thing of beauty, or it would have been if it wasn't so sad.


(I'll be a better man today)

In the library, the atmosphere was rather different. There was light peeking through the windows, and the space felt warm and inviting. Marlene sat at a table next to the Herbology section, working on her essay on the venomous tentacula.

"Is this seat taken?"

Marlene didn't really have to look up; she would have recognized that voice anywhere. "Yeah, sure," she replied, raising two questioning eyebrows.

"I was hoping we could talk…" Lucinda added. Her hair was clipped back and purple bags hugged her undereyes. "It wasn't fair of me to - well... I'd like to try and make it right, if that's alright with you. Maybe we could take a walk?"

For the first time in weeks, Marlene felt her thin lips stretch into a grin. "I thought you'd never ask."

The pair left the library together and made their way towards the castle doors. They crossed the main entrance in silence and sat down close to the Great Lake.

Lucinda coughed.

"Look," Marlene started, "you don't have to give one but I think I deserve an explanation. I mean, you just took off, no warning, no anything and I…"

"I know, believe me," she replied, taking one of Marlene's hands in her own. "It's just… this isn't easy for me; affection, relationships, putting my trust in someone. The mere thought of coming to you and explaining everything nearly gave me a stomach ulcer… but Bertha was right." Shaking her head, she continued, "I can't hide anymore."

Then she gingerly lifted up her shirt, seemingly immune to the chilly winter air, only shivering when Marlene placed a hand on her stomach.

Her pale skin was covered in cuts and bruises, and Marlene soon felt two fat drops of water fall on her wrist.

"I don't… I had no idea. You don't need to explain—"

"I know. I wanted to."

"What happened?"

"Dad gets a little liquor-happy, if you know what I mean… It wasn't always like this… but I can't keep pretending that it doesn't happen, you know?"

"I don't, I'm lucky that way. But I want to be here for you, even if right now you just need a friend in me."

"Marlene, Marlene…" Lucinda smiled. "I don't know if I'm ever going to love myself but I'll always love you. That much hasn't changed."

Marlene touched her forehead to Lucinda's. "I'll love you for the both of us, then."

And then she closed the distance between them.


(Grace is just weakness)

One distinct Tuesday, James snapped.

It was around four in the morning when, after tossing and turning in bed for the entire night, James finally gave up and got up. As had started to become customary for him, he immediately made his way to the pitch.

This time, however, just as he was approaching, James took a sharp right turn and headed towards the Forbidden Forest. Once he deemed himself reasonably concealed, he transformed into his Animagus form and raced like his life depended on it, further and further into the forest, until his lungs burned and he could feel the taste of blood on his mouth.

The cold wind cut through his fur and chilled him to the bone, but James found that he welcomed the distraction. He felt the grass beneath his hooves, the branches low enough to graze his antlers, and, for a moment, he simply breathed it all in. He only let himself turn back once he was deep enough into the forest that the Map wouldn't betray his location. He didn't want to be found tonight. Once he had reverted back into his human form, his calves felt as though they were on fire, and he promptly collapsed into a nearby yew tree.

He looked down at his hands. They were shaking and the skin on his fingertips was peeling. For a moment, James let himself be. He lowered himself onto the ground, cradled his head in his hands, and fixed his stare onto the grass by his shoes.

He closed his eyes and, for the first time since everything had gone to shit, James let himself cry. He didn't exactly sob—there were no hiccups, at least. No - rather, James felt like he was being choked, like he couldn't breathe. His throat had closed up and all the colour had drained from his face; all James could do was sit there, catatonic, staring at the tree in front of him. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours. His stomach ached with hunger, but he paid it no mind.

Sometime during the day, it started raining, but James still didn't move. By the time he got up, it was dark out and, once he got back to his dorm, he took a shower and scrubbed his skin until his knuckles bled.


(Or so I've been told)

"Where is Potter?" was the first thing out of Lily's mouth once she reached the Gryffindor table at the Great Hall. He'd missed all of his classes that day and was nowhere to be found, not in the library, not on the pitch, not even in the infirmary. She'd checked.

"My sentiments exactly," replied Sirius.

"He was gone when we woke up," added Peter. "Sirius couldn't even find him on the—"

"—And he didn't even take his wand with him, the wanker."

"Are you saying he's been missing all day?"

"That's exactly what we're saying," answered Remus with a sigh. "We've looked everywhere for him."

"As have I. I was positive he'd be down by the pitch, but no dice." Suddenly remembering, Lily added, "Oh, here. I took some notes… could you give them to him?"

Remus gladly accepted the parchment and stuffed it in his bookbag.

"Look," Sirius said, taking a bite out of his supper, "he's been pretty out of it lately, which, sure, is understandable given the circumstances, but there's really not a lot we can do."

Peter nodded. "He gets up before any of us, goes down to the pitch for a couple of hours, and washes his hands about twenty times a day. They're starting to look raw."

"He just needs some space," continued Sirius. "Sooner or later, Prongs'll come back to us."

"I really hope you're right," sighed Lily, plopping herself down next to Peter.

"Yeah," Sirius added darkly. "Me too."

"Maybe we should just look around one more time? It's getting really late."

They split up, Lily heading towards the Astronomy tower alongside Peter, with Remus and Sirius trying the kitchens. Neither were successful. A couple more hours had passed by the time that the group had finally made its way back to the Gryffindor common room, only to find one James Potter sprawled on a sofa. Miraculously, no other students seemed to be around.

"You lot go up, I think I'm going to stay down here a little longer."

Sirius nodded. "Night, Evans. Try not to worry too much."

The three remaining Marauders climbed up the stairs to the dorm rooms and Lily was left alone with James. She sat on the carpeted floor next to him and quietly reached over to pet him, much like she would a wounded animal.

"Hey," she said.

James, still half asleep, only hummed.

"Where were you?" she asked in a soft voice, carefully continuing her ministrations. He looked positively beat and Lily didn't want to bother him too much.

"Forest," he croaked out. He let himself be pampered for a few seconds and then, as James finally, really noticed the familiar, pleasant feel of Lily's fingers through his hair, he felt his throat clench and he shrugged her off, quickly getting up and darting towards the portrait hole.

"James!" Lily whisper-yelled, but he ignored her and continued on. "What do you think you're doing?" she questioned, chasing after him.

"Not now," he finally answered her; by now, they were both standing in an empty corridor, their voices echoing off the walls. His back was still turned to her.

"James, I—"

"Not now, Lily."

He really did sound exhausted… but Lily violently shook her head, tossing her red hair behind her. No, this had gone on too long.

"No! No, I have to say it. I don't care if you want to hear or not."

James huffed.

"Right. Right, okay, well… Look, I get it. I know you feel guilty about S—about what happened, but you don't have to deal with it alone, okay? You don't have to push everyone away." Thinking back to the fact that he'd spent the entire day in the Forbidden Forest, practically defenceless, she added, "You can't keep throwing yourself into these ridiculous, dangerous situations and pretend like you're fine. It's not doing you any good."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," James shot back, snapping back to look at Lily.

"I—"

"No, Lily, enough," he chastised, "I don't want to discuss this."

"You don't want to talk about this at all, or you don't want to talk about it with me?"

"I don't want to talk to you."

It felt like a slap in the face.

"I know you're grieving, but that doesn't give you the right to act like an arsehole. You're only hurting yourself here."

"Let me."

"No, I won't!"

"Well, why the fuck not?" James shouted, stopping abruptly to stare at Lily. Then, he slumped against the wall and sighed. "Don't you get that it's my fault she's dead?"

"We don't know anything yet, and, besides, whatever's happened, it's not your fault—"

"It is," he interrupted. "I was with her, and I saw the Death Eaters, and I let her go—"

"You sent her to safety—"

"—I sent her away, by herself, because I was too busy worrying about how to get to you."

"Oh."

"So quit telling me that it's not my fault and that I have no business beating myself up about it, because we're here and she's most likely dead and that's never going to go away."

The argument that Lily wanted so desperately to make died in her throat and she nodded. All she could say was, "I think we have to live for those who can't. When you're ready, we'll be here, James."

She turned around and left him there, stunned, still trying to catch his breath.


(I've been cold, I've been merciless)

When he finally made his way back to the dormitory, everyone was mostly asleep. He lay in his four poster and stared at the ceiling, wondering how he was going to manage getting up tomorrow and pushing through the day.

In the darkness, he heard Sirius' voice: "you're a good person, Prongs. You deserve good things, it doesn't make you selfish. It took me a long time to realise that but it's true."

James sighed.

"It's not that I'm grieving. What I'm feeling doesn't even begin to compare to what, say, Liz must be feeling. I just feel so guilty, all the time. I was this close to breaking up with her but then I noticed the Death Eaters and everything went to shit. This is on me."

"It's really not," Sirius shook his head. "But I get it. Try to get some sleep. See if you don't disappear on us again, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure," James replied. "Thanks."

"Anytime, mate."


(Maybe I'm waking up)

At least two weeks had passed since James had pulled his disappearing act. So far, Lily noticed, he was showing up to class again, albeit with less enthusiasm than usual, and ate at least one meal every day in the Great Hall. Sombrely, she also noticed that he seemed to be keeping his distance from her, but she tried not to let it affect her too much.

Obviously she was failing spectacularly.


It was James Potter's seventeenth birthday, but the boy in question didn't feel much like celebrating. He skipped breakfast in the Great Hall, choosing to eat in the kitchens instead, and shortly made his way back to the Gryffindor common room.

It was twenty minutes past eleven when Professor McGonagall walked in, and, with her lips pressed into a nearly non-existent line, summoned James to the Headmaster's office.

The pair walked to the Headmaster's Tower in silence, though Professor McGonagall kept her hand on James' shoulder the whole time. When they reached the stone gargoyle, she provided the password (butterscotch) and the stern, ugly-looking bird revealed the staircase to Dumbledore's office.

Delicate silver instruments sat atop thin, dark wooden tables, quietly whirring away. The walls were covered in portraits of previous headmasters, and, though most appeared to be either gone or dozing off, one Phineas Nigellus observed the scene with poorly disguised interest.

"Good morning, James. Sit." James did. "Before we begin, I'd like to wish you a happy birthday."

"Thank you, professor."

"You must be wondering why I've summoned you to my office this fine Sunday."

"Actually, I've got a few ideas."

"Good, good."

James shifted in his seat, and, though he tried not to let it show, his face betrayed a great deal of discomfort.

"At ease, James, for you are not here to be punished. Not at all. In fact, the reason I have summoned you here is to offer you my condolences. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. I understand you and Susan were… close."

Quickly losing all sense of propriety, James replied, "And I suppose you'll be summoning every one of her friends to offer them your condolences as well? Has Lizzy been called up here, too?"

"I must confess that that has not been the case, no," said Dumbledore calmly. "In fact, I can only imagine that in a time like this what Elizabeth will desire most is a bit of space."

"And what makes you think I don't want to be left alone like her?"

"Surely it's quite obvious, is it not? Elizabeth hasn't been earning herself detention after detention, skipping class, or wandering off into the Forbidden Forest, has she?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling behind his half-moon shaped spectacles. "It is forbidden for a reason, you know."

"I'm not in pain," James said. "It's something else, it's…"

"Well, if it's guilt and regret that are troubling you… I must admit that, in that case, I do know how you feel—"

"No!" he shouted, standing up. "No, you don't!"

"Oh, but I do, James." Without even blinking, and with a serene look on his face, Dumbledore proceeded, "It can all feel futile, can it not? When there's so much happening? Perhaps we shelter you too much, here at Hogwarts. One can almost pretend everything is alright."

"Maybe you can," James scoffed. "I sure as hell can't."

Dumbledore nodded.

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."

"Then help me," asked James, and the desperation in his voice was so raw he may as well have been begging. "Help me, because I don't understand."

"Change is not always bad, it is simply change, and you, James, are a different person now than you were two months ago. When Susan left us, it took something from you. It took a piece of you, and you're never going to get that piece back. You aren't the same anymore and that is frightening in extraordinary ways… Yet giving up is not an option. You must live, you must get to know yourself again, and understand that light can always be found, even at the darkest, most desperate, of times…

"And now you're scared. You're scared to breathe, you're scared to move, you're scared to go on as before, and I sympathise… but you must not succumb to despair! That is what they want! We must all learn to face fear with our heads held high… That is the only way that we can truly go on. Do not give them what they want."


A/N: As usual, pretty please let me know how you feel about this chapter! I really tried and actually love how it turned out. x