After the day of the 3D gear accident, I found myself seeking out Reiner more. I sat with him and Bertholdt at dinner more often, I asked him to be my partner during exercises more often, and sought him out during my free time more often. I still spent time with my friends, but I always felt a pull towards Reiner that I had a hard time disobeying. He was easy to joke around with, and easy to have a serious conversation with, and I found that I could easily spend hours talking to him without realizing that hours had passed.
It was one evening after dinner that I sat on the porch of the mess hall talking with Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Bertholdt, Reiner, Ymir, and Christa. As time got closer to lights out, our group slowly disbanded. Ymir and Christa left first, then Mikasa. Bertholdt excused himself a half hour before lights out, saying something about showering, and Eren and Armin left with him. Reiner and I sat on the porch, exchanging jokes and laughing.
"You know, I never did come up with an original name to call you," commented Reiner.
I laughed, "I forgot about that. Have you thought of any?"
"Not really. But how about... Armrest?"
"It's more original than Pipsqueak."
"Fun sized?"
"Not original at all. Besides, that's an adjective, not a name."
"What about Peanut?"
"Hm, it's definitely a step in the right direction."
He grinned and said, "I like Peanut. That'll be it."
I gave him a fake serious look, "Don't actually start calling me that."
"Whatever you say, Peanut."
I swatted at his arm, and he laughed. His deep voice boomed when he laughed and I loved it.
Then I heard the bell signaling for lights out and my smile fell.
"Damn, I'm not even tired. I guess we have to go, though. Goodnight Reiner," I waved bye at him as I stood up to go back to the girl's barracks.
He grabbed my arm to stop me, "We don't have to go to bed yet if you don't want to."
I cocked my head at him, "But won't we get in trouble?"
He held onto my hand and pulled me off the porch and led me in the opposite direction of the barracks. "Not if we're sneaky about it."
We ended up away from the rest of the buildings by stacks of lumber that had been set aside, probably to be cut into firewood for later. Reiner laid down in the grass, staring at the sky while I sat cross legged on one of the stacks of wood. We were both silent for a while and I looked up to see what he saw. There was no moon, but there were a thousand stars shining brightly across the heavens. I wasn't sure what made me think of it, but after another few minutes I turned my head to look back down at Reiner and ask, "Have you ever head of the ocean?"
Reiner's eyebrows furred and he scrunched up his nose. He looked at me and said, "Huh?"
"You probably haven't. Nobody's supposed to talk or know about the outside world. When Armin and I were little, we found a book in our grandfather's attic. It was an old book; the pages were yellow and the binding was falling apart. It was probably written before we went behind the walls a hundred years ago. It described the geography of the outside world. According to the book, seventy percent of the earth's surface is covered in water. The ocean is like a giant lake that spreads across the world and its water is salty. There are also many different land masses in the ocean besides ours. And did you know that not everywhere has green grass and trees like here? There are some lands where it's all sand for as far as you can see, and in some places, it's all snow. And in some parts of the world, there are huge jungles with all sorts of weird animals in them."
Reiner was looking me in the eyes and listening intently, "I… didn't know that. And you're sure that's all true, just from reading one book?"
I thought about it for a second and said, "Well, no. You really can't be sure it's true from just one book, can you? But I believed it when I was a girl, and it really made an impression on me. Armin and Eren, too. We didn't know Mikasa yet. But you know how Eren gets angry all the time, really easily?"
"Yeah?" he said with a soft chuckle.
"That's when he first started getting angry about stuff. He wanted to go out and explore all those strange places, and so did Armin and I. But we couldn't because of the titans. They keep us from going outside the walls. After that Eren had a different view of the walls, and so did I, in a way. The walls aren't our sanctuary, they're our prison, and the titans are the wardens. Eren used to say that we're kept in the walls like cattle in fields for the titans to devour. Which eventually happened…"
Reiner was still looking in my eyes, but he had taken on a more sad, pitiful expression. I could see how painful the topic of titans was to him from the haunted look in his eyes.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about them. But as kids, it made us mad that there was this big, beautiful world that's taken up by those beasts that don't even have the brain capacity to appreciate it."
He nodded and said, "I understand. Tell more about when you were a kid. What was little Armin, Eren, Alex, and Mikasa like?"
I giggled and replied, "Well, we were misfits. Eren's temperament didn't allow him to get along with the other kids very well, and Armin and I were the little nerds. I was different before I met Mikasa. I used to be jealous of her. When I first met her, I hated her."
"Really? But she's your best friend now."
"Yeah, she is. But you see, before Mikasa came along, Eren and Armin used to get beat up by the other boys all the time. And the other girls in our class at school used to pick on me for getting the highest grades in the class, and because they thought I was weird. I was shy and didn't like being separated from Armin and I wouldn't talk to hardly anyone but Armin and Eren. But after Mikasa came, she would just beat up anyone who tried to mess with Eren. And because Armin and I were Eren's friends, she beat up anyone who messed with us, too."
"So… you hated her because she beat up you and your brother's bullies? That doesn't make sense."
I shook my head, "It wasn't that as much as that she could beat up our bullies and I couldn't. She was stronger than me, and more confident, and prettier. She could do almost everything that I couldn't. I hated her for that. Ever since I met her, I've wanted to be like her."
"Is that why you try so hard in training, and why you exercise with her all the time?"
"It's part of it, yes."
"I don't believe that Mikasa was ever prettier than you," he said, and that surprised me.
"She's prettier than me now."
He shook his head, "No, you're definitely prettier." I blushed, and so did he, and he changed the subject back to my childhood, "You never said when you met Mikasa, or how."
"Oh, well, Mikasa alone in a cabin in the mountains with her parents before coming to Shiganshina. I can't remember where exactly the cabin was, but Eren had gone with his father, Dr. Yeager to do a check-up with the family. Dr. Yeager used to bring Eren on trips a lot before this. I don't know the entire story with all the details, but basically when they got there, they found out that outlaws had ransacked the place and killed Mikasa's parents. Dr. Yeager had gone to get help, or something, but Eren ran away from his dad, went back, saved Mikasa, and the two of them killed the three men that were keeping her captive."
"What the hell? The killed grown men when they were kids?"
"I know. It's a crazy story. Dr. Yeager took Mikasa home with him and Eren and let her stay with them. After that, Mrs. Yeager didn't let Dr. Yeager take Eren on trips."
"Shit. I wouldn't either. So, is that why Mikasa's so in love with Eren? Because he saved her life?"
"Yep. That's another reason I hated her. I used to have a crush on him, too."
"Really?" he said eyes going wide, "But you don't anymore?"
"Nah. He's more like a second brother to me now. He gets too worked up too easily anyway."
Reiner nodded. He hadn't broken eye contact with me the whole time, and I didn't want to be the one to look away first. I liked looking at his eyes, anyway. "So, tell me about little Reiner and Bertholdt. What was your life in your village like?"
He looked away from me for a few moments to look at the sky again, as if deciding how to best answer the question. Then he looked back at me, and said, "It was small, and pleasant enough. I lived with just my mom. My dad left when he found out she was pregnant with me."
"That's terrible."
He nodded, "Did you know that Annie's from our village, too?"
"I didn't. I never noticed you or Bertholdt talking to her or anything."
He shrugged, "I always got the feeling she didn't like us. Or me, anyway. I was kind of the misfit in the group of kids at my village, too, and I'm pretty sure I took Bertholdt's reputation down with me. But Bert has always been quiet and shy, and loyal. After we became friends, he didn't really care if the other kids made fun of us. He was fine just being friends with me. Looking back, I'm grateful, I would've been really lonely if he hadn't become my friend."
"That's so sweet," I said, and he smiled at me.
"But why didn't the other kids like you? You're a great guy."
He frowned and looked back up at the sky again with a solemn expression, "You said that I could tell you anything, right? And you wouldn't judge me?"
"Of course, I wouldn't."
"Well, before the titans came, I was different. I guess kind of how you were different before Mikasa came. We've told you that we were the only ones that got away from the titans, right? We had no warning, and no one else got away on time."
"Yeah, I remember when you and Bertholdt told us that. But what does that have to do with it?"
"Well, there was originally four of us that got away from the titans. The fourth kid's name was Marcel. He was a great guy, one of the only other kids that was nice to Bert and I. He was talented, too, and everyone else looked up to him. Annie, Bertholdt, and I looked to him to get us to the wall, and lead us away from the titans."
Reiner didn't continue, so I asked, "What happened to Marcel?"
"He got eaten alive because I was stupid. I let one of the titans sneak up on me, and Marcel pushed me out of the way. Bert, Annie, and I ran away while he was being devoured."
"Reiner…. I'm so sorry."
He shook his head, "It's not your fault, it's mine."
"Reiner-"
"Don't try to tell me it's not. I've already accepted that, and comes to term with it. I'm the reason Marcel died. Like I said, he was a great guy that we all looked up to, and Annie was bitter and angry after that. She blamed me, and she thought that there was no way we'd make it without Marcel there to lead us. So, I figured if I was the reason that Marcel died, that I should be the one to take Marcel's place. After that I started acting like he did, being dependable, strong, and smart, and leading Annie and Bert to safety. Before I was a loser, to be honest. I wasn't especially talented at anything, and I'm still not. I was whiny and rude, too. So, you see, I'm not really the great guy, Marcel was. I'm still pretending to be him. I don't even know what I would be like now, if I didn't."
He stopped talking and continued staring at the sky. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't expecting that, or anything quite that sad. Laying there, Reiner looked guilty, and almost broken. I got off the wood and sat down beside him. He looked at me confused. I grabbed his arm and tugged until he sat up, and I wrapped my arms around him.
"You just looked like you needed a hug. And you are a great guy, Reiner."
"Alex, I just told you-"
"No, that doesn't mean you're not a great guy. Am I not a good fighter, just because I'm mimicking Mikasa when I do it? When I become a solider, it'll be because of the men at Shiganshina that died for me. But I won't be any less of a solider. And you're not any less of a wonderful person because you're mimicking your old friend. Everything you've done, is you."
He hugged me back and nodded into my hair, "Thank you."
I pulled back to smile at him, and when I looked at his face something inside me pulled. In the starlight, he looked even more handsome. He didn't move his hands from my back, and he leaned back into me, like he was going to kiss me, then pulled away again. He looked unsure, and I almost leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled away and stood up.
"Are you tired? It ought to be late by now. We should probably go back."
I nodded and stood up to walk beside him. As we walked, he turned to me and asked, "So did you ever come up with a nickname for me?"
"What?"
"I dubbed you Peanut, what name do you have for me?"
"Hm… Bigfoot?"
He laughed, and I grinned, happy I made him laugh after he had been so sad and serious and before.
"Or what about Grizzly? You are kind of built like a bear."
"Bear? I thought I was built like an ox?"
"You're tall and muscular. Sounds like a bear, right?"
"Whatever you say, Peanut."
I gave him a shove, and he laughed again, "Do you not like my nickname?"
"It's a far cry better than pipsqueak, but that doesn't mean I like it?"
"How about Princess? You act like a little princess."
"How do I act like a princess?"
He shrugged, "You just do. I can see you now, flying through the forest in you gear and singing with all the birds. Like a titan killing princess."
I gave him a weird look before bursting out in laughter. He laughed too, and we had to shush ourselves as we got closer to the where the Commander and the officer's slept.
"Goodnight, Princess," he whispered heading towards the boy's building while I went the other way.
"Goodnight, Grizzly Bear," I whispered back and I saw his smirk before turning away completely.
When I got inside, I removed my clothes as quietly as possible, and slipped into my night clothes. Before I got into bed, I looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost 3:30 am. Light's out was at ten. We had been sitting out there for over five hours. And I had to wake up in three hours.
Tomorrow's not going to be fun, I thought. Just before I fell asleep, thoughts of Reiner's golden hair and golden eyes light up by starlight flashed through my mind.
