"Alex, Alex wake up."
I tried my hardest to cling to sleep, but Reiner continued to call my name and shake my arm until I opened my eyes.
"Alex, we need to go. It's almost sunrise."
I sat up and looked around. My neck and back were sore, and it took me a few minutes to remember where I was and why I was there. Then I remembered dancing, and coming up to the top of the wall, and I vaguely remembered falling asleep to Reiner talking.
"Shit," I muttered, as I looked at the horizon that was starting to lighten up, meaning the sun was going to rise soon.
"We need to go," Reiner said while helping me to my feet.
I nodded, starting to slightly panic, "We're going to be in so much trouble, we're still in our casual clothes, and-"
"Hey," Reiner grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "It's fine. We'll just have to sneak in without being seen. There's a window in the boys barracks that overlooks an alley that isn't busy. We can sneak in there, and its still early enough that we can get dressed, shower, and show up for roll call in time."
We got on the pulley and started to let ourselves down as Reiner explained. I nodded and took a deep breath. Reiner was right, we'd be fine. This wasn't a time to panic.
We got to the alley with the window without incident, and I was hesitate about going through the window into the boy's room. I didn't want to deal with the teasing from the other cadets and the look of disapproval I knew I'd get from Eren and Armin for staying out all night with Reiner, but the window to the girl's barracks was outlooking a busier street, and I would be seen sneaking in. The window itself was high up, and kind of short. I was unsure on whether Reiner's body would fit through it.
If he was worried about it, though, he didn't show it, "I'm going to go in first, to make sure no one's changing yet, alright?"
I nodded, and Reiner reached his arm up to knock on the window, and a few moments later, it opened. Reiner pulled himself up and maneuvered himself so his feet went in first. I could him talking to someone inside, presumably whoever opened the window, before he poked his head out and said, "You're good, c'mon on."
He stuck out his arm to help me up the wall and grab the top of the ledge, so I could bring my feet up and through the window. The hardest part of that was not getting my skirt stuck on the splintering wood and making sure it stayed where it was supposed to, so I wouldn't give the boys inside a view. After I got both of my legs through, I started to adjust it so I could slide down without that happening, but I felt a large pair of hands grab my legs just above my knees through the clothes.
"I've got your skirt, princess," I could hear Reiner say, "just get yourself through."
I pushed off the wall so my upper body slide through, and landed in front of Reiner, who let go of my skirt to catch me.
"Thanks," I whispered as I looked around the room. Most of the boys were still asleep, and the few that weren't were still in their pajamas and looking at us with confused looks.
Marco was standing in his sleeping clothes next to Reiner, and asked, "Where did you two go?"
"Are they just getting back from last night?" asked Jean, who still sitting in the bed to my right.
"Shh!" I hissed. "Are Armin and Eren awake?"
"Uh," Marco look around the bunk to my left at the other side of the room, before looking at me and saying, "No, not yet."
"Good. I was never here!" I stage whispered to Marco, Jean, and the other handful of boys around the room who were already up. I then noticed that in the bed to my left was Bertholdt, sleeping on his stomach, with his legs crossed and his butt up, while snuggling his pillow under his head.
"What the hell?" I asked while Reiner, and the rest of the boys laughed.
"He's made weirder poses, trust me," Reiner said while I shook my head and went to leave.
"See you all at breakfast," I said in departing, and I could hear the boys starting their daily discussion on what the weather would be based on Bert's pose while I went out the door.
The girl's barracks wasn't far down the same hall, so I was able to get there without being seen. The real trouble was when I got inside. Over half of the girls were awake by this point, and they all turned to look at me when I walked in. My face got hot from all the eyes on me as I ducked my head down and hurried to mine and Mikasa's bed. The boys who had seen me in their room hadn't been awake enough to catch the full implication of Reiner and I sneaking in the next morning, but the girls were. I got a chorus of "Oooooo's" and "Get it!" It didn't help that the braids Mina had put in my hair the night before was now a messy knot, and my blouse was all sorts of rumpled and wrinkled.
Mikasa was sitting on our bed already fully dressed except for her scarf, jacket, and boots, which she was working on putting on. Mina and Annie were standing beside their bed in the process of putting on the leather straps for the 3DMG.
"Good morning," I muttered, and started trying to detangle the mess on the back of my head with my fingers before taking the brush to it.
"So…?" Mina asked, raising her eyebrows.
"So what?" I responded, pretending I was unsure what she was talking about.
"Where have you been?" asked Mikasa.
"We went up the wall," I answered still struggling with my hair. Mikasa pushed my hands away and started to untangle it herself once she had her boots on.
"Why?" asked Mina with a confused look on her face. "Did you…?"
"No," I shook my head. "He just wanted to go up there, to be private and talk. He's like that."
Annie, who was now fully dressed, left without saying anything. This wasn't abnormal for Annie, even though she was slowly shedding her resolution to stay a lone wolf.
"You went up to the top of the wall just to talk?" asked Mina, now more confused. "Did you talk to him about sex?"
I shook my head, "I tried, but he said I was too drunk, which wasn't true. I wasn't that drunk."
"You looked drunk to me," commented Mikasa, who had somehow gotten most of the tangles out and separated the braids in my hair.
I rolled my eyes. It was true I had a slight hangover, but it wasn't bad enough to bother me, and I felt like I was pretty in control of myself last night. "Whatever. I need to hurry and get dressed."
I fished out my uniform and started stripping off my clothes from the night before. Mina, who decided that I had nothing interesting to share, left me alone and finished getting dressed and left the barracks. Mikasa stayed with me while I was changing and helped me with the straps, which was normal for her to do.
While fastening the straps on the back of my legs, she said quietly, "You worried me."
"Huh?" I asked, not sure if I had heard right.
"I'm used to you coming to bed late now," she explained, "but you're always there when I wake up. You weren't this morning."
I turned to face her when she was done, "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to stay up there all night. We fell asleep."
I hadn't made Mikasa worry about me since our days as school children. Back then I resented her for it, but now I just felt guilty. She fused over Eren all the time, but I knew she'd do that even if Eren didn't need her to.
She shook her head and said, "It's fine. You're fine, so it's fine. Let's go before we're late."
I tugged on my boots quickly and nodded. We were among the last of the girls still in the room, and we were getting close to time for rollcall, so I put on my jacket and put up my hair in the usual half ponytail while we walked.
The rest of the morning was uneventful. We were all given assignments to get horses and supplies ready for the trip back to the training camp to complete after breakfast and we were on the way out before midmorning. I was in charge of steering one of the wagons, which was a fairly easy job since we were going at a slow, walking pace. It would've been almost pleasant if it weren't for the steady fall of rain that followed us all the way back. Samuel, one of the guys who had seen me this morning, was sitting next to me in the wagon, and Reiner and Bertholdt were riding horses in front of the wagon.
I guessed that after I left, Reiner didn't answer any questions from the other guys. For the first hour of the ride, Samuel whispers hesitant questions about what Reiner and I were doing all night.
When I tried to answer him, Samuel motioned for me to talk quietly, and I raised my eyebrows. He side-glanced at Reiner and back at me before whispering, "He'll get mad if he knows I'm asking you about it. Reiner's an all right guy, but when he's mad he's…."
"Are you scared of him?" I asked, not believing it. Sure, Reiner was taller than most of the other cadet's, and was one of the widest and strongest, but he had the personality of a puppy dog.
"No!" he said quickly and loudly, making Bertholdt and Reiner turn around to give us odd glances. When they turned back around, he hissed, "I am not scared of him."
"Okay, okay," I chuckled under my breath before answering his questions. "We didn't do anything interesting last night. You're not missing any gossip."
"But you two come back late all the time. At least tell me how you sneak back in without getting caught."
"Teamwork makes the dream work," I answered with an overconfident smile, to which he snorted. I answered vaguely because I didn't want to admit that I had no clue how we hadn't gotten caught yet.
To change the subject, I called out to Reiner in front of us, "So, does butt up mean rain?"
Reiner and Bertholdt both turned to look at me, and Reiner looked like he was trying hard not to laugh, while Bertholdt just looked confused. It took a few seconds for Samuel to figure out what I was referring to, because he started snickering a few moments later.
"Crossed legs means precipitation of some sort," Reiner joked, and wiggled his eyebrows when he added, "butt up just means he's feeling frisky."
Samuel and I laughed loudly, and Bert looked between the three of us and said, "What are you all talking about?"
Samuel shook his head and said, "Don't worry about it. It's nothing important."
"Does he not know?" I whispered after Bertholdt turned back around.
"He doesn't know we do it every morning," Samuel whispered back, and I giggled. Reiner turned around again when he heard my giggle and smiled when he caught my eye.
After getting back to camp, the next few weeks passed uneventfully. Before I knew it, it was June, and the heat was getting higher and higher. Towards the end of the month, many of friends were talking about making another trip to the lake like we had done the summer before. Less people were going this time, but still a good amount. It was me, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Reiner, Bertholdt, Connie, Sasha, Krista, Ymir, Jean, and Marco. I tried to convince Annie and Mina to come too, but they both refused. Mina because she'd rather just be lazy around the camp on her day off, and Annie insisted that if she had to put up with us every other day, she wasn't going to spend her day off with us, too.
A few days before the trip, I felt like I was forgetting something, but I had no clue what it was. What was there to forget? All I had to do during the days was show up to the instructions and do what I was told, and I hadn't been given any odd assignments from any of the instructors to do in my spare time, so what was I forgetting? I sat at dinner racking my brain, thinking maybe there was something I was something about the lake trip I needed to do. I decided I'd just ask Reiner or Armin later. If it was something important, they'd know about it.
That night before I left Reiner to go to bed, I asked him if he knew what it was, and he hesitated before answering.
"Well, you never jumped in the lake after losing that bet."
"Shit," I muttered. "You're right. Why didn't you remind me before?"
"I forgot about it for a little bit myself," he shrugged, and then scratched the back of his neck. "I also felt guilty about making that bet with you. I was excited when you lost, and it made me feel like a pervert. I knew you weren't really comfortable with it, but I pushed it anyway."
I shook my head, "If I wasn't okay with it, I wouldn't have agreed to it." Then I remembered something else that was forgotten, "I never got to talk to you about that."
"About what?"
I felt myself blush, and I looked around. It was getting close to lights out, but there were still too many people wandering about outside for me to feel comfortable.
"C'mon," I grabbed his hand, "Let's go for a walk."
We ended up by the stacks of firewood and logs again, the perfect distance from the camp to not be seen or heard, but easy to get back quickly.
"Alex, what are you wanting to talk about?"
I hesitated, unsure on how to approach the subject I was trying to get at, "About me being uncomfortable?"
That was not the right thing to say. I could see a flash of panic cross Reiner's face, "Did I do something wrong?"
"What? No. It's not about anything you did. It's about me."
"What do you mean?"
I looked at my feet, getting a little embarrassed, but pushed myself to continue, "You've said it yourself that I'm not comfortable with sex, or really anything more intimate than kissing."
"Yeah?" he asked. "I thought I made it pretty clear that it didn't bother me."
"You did," I nodded, "but it bothers me. I… I w-want you."
I forced the last part out with a blush, and he raised his eyebrows, "Oh?"
"I just get anxious, and nervous, and I chicken out every time," I sighed.
"That's normal," he shrugged. "Is anyone ever not nervous about sex?"
I didn't answer at first and sat down on one of the logs to get comfortable. "I guess, but I talked to some of the girls about it, and they didn't sound like they have a huge problem with it like I do."
"Alex, you're fine," he sat down next to me on the log and looked down at me. "I promise."
"Yeah, but…," I trailed off, so he picked it up for me.
"What makes you nervous?"
I sighed, "At first, I thought it was just being ignorant of it, you know? I don't know anything about sex, or sexual acts in general. Sasha and the rest had to explain foreplay to me, and masturbating, and the mechanics of sex."
"Sasha explained masturbating to you?"
"Uh… I think Ymir was the one explained that to me."
"That's worse," he said decidedly. "How long ago was that?"
"Two months, maybe? The day you first started doing cleaning duty with me."
His eyebrows crinkled forward slightly, meaning he was trying to remember something, "I tried reaching up your shirt in Shadis' room."
I nodded, "Yeah…. I thought it was just because I didn't really know what I was doing, and that is part of it. I like being organized and having control of what's happening. Being unsure terrifies me. What if I do something wrong? What if I'm not any good?"
"No one is any good at sex the first time," Reiner stated. "I was awful."
"I- huh?"
He hesitated, and then said, "I haven't told Bert about this, so don't mention it to him. I'm not proud."
"What?" I asked confused.
"I haven't done this since we started at the Cadet's Corps, but the last few months we were in the manual labor camps I slept around, like a lot. I had the opposite of the problem you're having. I got curious about it, so I fucked the first person who was willing. It was a girl, she was maybe a few years older than me, I don't remember. I had no clue what I was doing, and the girl was unsatisfied to say the least. After that, I just kept going. I was sleeping with both men and women around the camp."
"Oh," I said, unsure of what to think of that. "How many people?"
He crinkled his eyebrows again, and my stomach sank. If he had to do the eyebrow thing to think of how many people, it was a lot of people. "I'd say about ten to twelve. That's not the part I was ashamed of though. I didn't care about any of those people. That girl that I lost my virginity to, I don't remember her name. I don't know if I ever even knew her name. I wasn't treating any of them like real people."
I started to talk, and he interrupted me, "Sorry, I made that about me. My point was… uh..."
"I got your point," I interrupted. "What do you mean, you didn't treat them like real people?"
"I was being childish," he explained. "Forget I said anything, I shouldn't have-"
"No!" I interrupted. "You can tell me anything. I'm glad you told me."
I didn't like it, but what he was telling me happened over two years ago. There was nothing to be done about it now. I didn't want him to think there was anything he couldn't tell me, and I cared about that more, but one thing did bother me enough to ask, "Weren't you fourteen then? How old were this people you were sleeping with?"
"Not much older. The oldest was maybe eighteen, and I looked a few years older than fourteen anyway."
I didn't have trouble believing that, Reiner looked to be at least twenty now, even though he was only sixteen.
"What were you going to say before?" he asked, still looking like he wanted to get the subject off of him.
"After I talked to them about it, I only felt a little better about it. They were great, and Sasha and Mina were definitely detailed…."
He snorted and I grinned at him before continuing, "Still, this is the fourth time I've tried just talking to you about this, and this is the first time I've even gotten anything out. I'm just as nervous about it as ever, and I don't know why. It just feel like something is going to change. It seems like this huge thing, you know?"
"Nothing's going to change, Alex. I'll still love you, and you'll still love me. It's okay-"
"You've never told me that before."
He stared at me for a second before asking, "I've never told you what?"
"You've never told me that you love me before."
"I haven't?" he seemed surprised.
"No," I shook my head.
"You already knew though, right? I thought I made my feelings clear."
"You've never said it," I repeated, but he was right. He had done everything for me but say it. It hit me as hard as back when Reiner had slammed into me with the 3D maneuvering gear that I had been in love with him this whole time. Why did it take him saying it for me to realize it? Why did he know that I loved him before I did?
"I never told you that I loved you either," I said, and I saw an 'oh shit' look flash in his eyes.
"You do love me, don't you? I thought, even if we never said it- "
I interrupted him with a kiss, throwing myself at him and knocking us off the logs. He landed flat on his back and I straddled his hips while covering his face with kisses.
Between kisses, I said, "I- love- you! And- you- love- me!"
"Are you just figuring that out?" he said disbelief.
I pressed my forehead to his and nodded, and I couldn't keep a goofy grin off of my face.
"You're supposed to be the smart one," he laughed. "Of course I love you."
"How did you know that I loved you if I didn't?" I asked, now nuzzling my nose into his cheek, overcome with the need to show affection.
"The same way that I thought you knew I loved you?" I pulled back from smothering him for a second to look at his face. He smiled up at me, clearly amused by my sudden burst of energy. He looked almost too handsome in that moment, and I leaned back down to kiss him again without realizing it. This kiss was much more tender, and slow. I spread my legs further so I was completely laying on top of him, and I heard a low hum come from him. Not quite a word or a moan, but enough to make a heat form in my core and my stomach do gymnastics.
Reiner broke the kiss to whisper against my lips, "Do you feel better?"
I pulled back a few centimeters and propped myself up on my elbows, "I think so."
He sat up easily even though I was still on top of him, and wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me from falling off of him, "I need you to be sure."
I realized that he meant now, and I hesitated before nodding. He raised his eyebrows and said, "You're not sure."
"I am!"
"Then what about Saturday?"
"What about it?"
"The night before our day off, we'll sneak out again and you can do your part of the bet, and we'll have all night together without worrying about waking up early. If you're sure now, you'll be sure then."
I wanted to argue, but he was right. There was nothing wrong with waiting a few more days, and we did have to wake up early in the morning. I let him lead us back to the camp and saw that it wasn't too long after lights out had been called, as some of the supervisors were still wondering around. We snuck around the perimeter to the side closest to the barracks, before darting to our respective ones and whispering goodnight.
The rest of the week trudged on longer than most. The revelation that I was actually in love with Reiner helped soothe my subconscious barrier to being intimate, but it didn't help me during training. Between my excitement over Saturday night, and being unusually gooey over Reiner constantly distracted me from what I was doing during the day.
That Friday during combat training, I had agreed to be Annie's sparring partner, which was never a good idea. She seemed to enjoy it because she claimed I was more of a challenge than most, but I disagreed. She took me down just as easily as anyone else. That particular day was the worst day possible to pair with her, as I wasn't able to focus at all. She continuously put me on my ass, but she always did so I wasn't really bothered.
It did bother her, though. She could tell I was barely paying attention to her, and that irritated her endlessly. After the fifth time my eyes accidently wondered over to Reiner, sweaty and handsome, on the other side of the field, she kicked my ribs so hard I was sure one of them cracked.
I hit the ground hard, and stayed in the dirt as I caught my breath from the pain, and glared up at her, "Was that necessary?"
"Who cares?" she said, with a hint of smugness.
"You've been coming at me hard all afternoon, what's your problem?"
"I thought that was the point, right? We can't improve unless we try, and you're one of the ones who always talk about how important it is that we try our hardest and do the best we can."
I glared at her, the sarcasm in her tone not lost on me. I wasn't sure what she angry about, but I didn't appreciate her taking out on me. "You're trying to injury me, Annie. That's too far for a training exercise."
"You'd know if I was trying to injure you," she countered. "I'm disappointed you're giving up. You used to care about being a solider and "fighting for the walls" but now all you care about is him."
I stood up and brushed some of the dirt off my pants, trying not to let myself get too angry. I took a breath before answering, "Caring about him doesn't mean I don't care about being a solider anymore."
"Oh really? Is that why you've stopped trying in almost everything? You haven't cared for months."
"And you've never cared at all. You've always acted like you were above all of this. I'm still not sure why you're even here, except maybe to join the military police. Why do you care about how much I try, if you don't?"
The horn signaling the end of combat training for the day sounded and cut off Annie's reply. I thought she'd continue with the argument, but instead she turned around and walked away towards the mess hall.
At lunch I choose to sit with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, not wanting to deal with Annie if she sat with the other girls, and not really wanting to talk to Reiner. I still had no clue why Annie went off on me for not paying the same amount of attention to training as before. Annie never bothered herself with things that didn't concern her, and this most certainly did not. I wasn't sure why she even cared enough to notice it was a problem.
Oh my god, I thought to myself. She's right. It's a problem.
There was nothing I could do to fix it at lunch, so I continued to eat and chat with my friends and brother and listened to Eren and Armin's compliments about the more complicated 3DMG exercises. Mikasa and I occasionally offered advice, but I had learned that best way for them to get through their frustration was to let them rant while I sat back and listened.
After lunch, I tried to replicate the same enthusiasm I had the first year of being in the Cadet Corps during our classes and exercises. I hadn't realized that I had become so relaxed before this week. How long ago did I stop caring? When Reiner had confessed his feelings for me at the end of winter? Was it before our winter trip into the mountains? I wasn't sure, but I had to catch up on a lot.
That evening, we had another exercise involving the use of the dummie-titans. We were all assigned to sectors of the forest that we shared with ten or so other people, and were supposed to factor in gas usage, as well as depth as and accuracy of our cuts. This was a graded exercise that would count into our points for our final rankings the next spring. To my delight, Annie and I were in the same sector.
I flew through the trees, concentrating on every movement I made as well as my surroundings. As I neared one, I saw Annie coming at it from above. I was moving with enough momentum and speed to push myself toward the fake titan, making the cut and zooming by before Annie got to it. I looked over my shoulder to look at the cut I made before glancing at Annie's surprised face. Since I rarely saw Annie surprised about anything, I was very pleased. I was also pleased to see on of the supervisors below, riding on horseback, taking notes of my accomplishment.
As we headed back to the main camp at the end of the exercise, Instructor Shadis nodded at me, "That was the best I've seen out of you in a while, Arlert. Keep it up."
I smiled and thanked him, and as we walked I looked around for Annie's face, and found her already staring at me with a curious look. I gave her a smile and mouthed, "Thank you."
She rolled her eyes and started speed walking away, and I knew not press it beyond that. That would ruin Annie's lone-wolf-who-doesn't-give-a-fuck image, and who would Annie be without that?
A/N: I wanted to put more into this chapter, but it's already pretty long and I won't be able to work on this for the next week or two, so here you go!
