Chapter 5- Painful Realization
Is this drive ever gonna be over? How much longer till we get back to FH? I really don't know how much more I can take...
"Squall?" Rinoa's small voice broke the Commander from his thoughts and he glanced towards his young sorceress.
She had a sympathetic expression plastered on her face, her lovely eyes full of worry, and for some reason, it irritated him. Squall didn't need her sympathy. He didn't need her or anyone else feeling sorry for him.
"Can we please talk about this? This isn't something that you can just blow off and run away from." Rinoa stared down into her lap as her hands fiddled with a zipper on her shorts.
"I want to help you, Squall. I mean isn't that what couples do for each other? When they love someone, they want to help that person through whatever it is they're dealing with, right? So please," she murmured, placing her on Squall's wrist. "Please let me help. This isn't something you have to handle on your own."
"Rinoa, I'm fine. Can we please just drop this?" Squall muttered, turning his head back to stare out at the road before him.
"Oh please! You don't fool me for one single moment," Rinoa chided. "You seriously expect me to believe that everything you just learned isn't bothering you? Squall... please. You just found out that you have a dad."
The Commander just sighed and shook his head, turning once more to meet her chocolate stare. Squall gave her an 'I-don't-want-to-talk-about-this-right-now' expression because he did not want to even have this brought up to him let alone speak about it. Didn't she understand that? This wasn't something he was ready to just plop down and discuss like any old topic. This wasn't a mission or something equally related. Squall had many things he needed to figure out for himself first before he even tried to open his mouth about this.
Not only that, but he was doing everything he could to hold himself together. He felt like completely losing his cool, whipping out his gunblade and just slicing through as many monsters as he could, and he wondered briefly if maybe he shouldn't have taken out some of his heightening rage on those monsters back in Esthar. Rinoa huffed, sounding irritated, squeezing his wrist even tighter and narrowed her eyes at him stubbornly.
As much he loved Rinoa, and as much as he had opened up to Rinoa before about things, this wasn't something he could just open up about to her. Not just yet anyway. After a few moments, Rinoa sighed in defeat and hung her head, seeming to silently accept the fact that he simply did not want to discuss it or anything about it, but she didn't remove her hand from his wrist. Instead, she tugged it down from the steering wheel and intertwined her fingers with his, gripping his hand tight with a couple of reassuring squeezes as if to let him know she was there whenever he was ready. She gazed at him in tender understanding.
As the tracks of Fisherman's Horizon finally came into view, Squall breathed a sigh of relief, grateful they were finally back. He drove the car a bit faster over the tracks, causing a more turbulent ride than he'd really cared for, but Rinoa didn't let go of his hand and he didn't let go of the steering wheel. The quicker he could make it back to Garden, the better. Soon, the massive, beautiful metallic and blue familiarity of home sat floating before them, the ramp to the parking lot still stretched out as if welcoming their arrival back. Squall pulled his car into the Garden first, followed by Irvine. He pulled into a parking space and shut the engine off, letting go of Rinoa's hand. He dropped both of his hands into his lap, refusing to look anywhere but straight ahead, hoping she'd understand. Rinoa took the hint and slowly got out of the car, shutting the passenger side door behind her.
Irvine had followed Squall and Rinoa into the parking lot and they were now all getting out from their vehicle. Squall could hear their voices talking, muffled, but it wasn't hard to hear what Rinoa was telling their friends.
"Hey! Rinoa!" Selphie greeted the raven-haired girl cheerfully. "Where's Squall?"
"Is Squall alright?" Quistis asked, her brows down in worriedly. "He just didn't seem like himself as we left Esthar."
Rinoa shook her dark head. "Don't worry about it. Squall just needs some time alone. Let's just let him be for now, and when he's ready he'll come to us."
Squall observed his friends and his girlfriend in the rearview mirror as Rinoa smiled at all of them and ushered them out of the parking lot. She took one glance back at Squall, gave him a small smile and then turned and left with the rest of the SeeD squad. Squall had to admit that he felt grateful for what Rinoa just did for him because, in truth, he did need some time alone.
As soon as he was certain his fellow SeeD members were out of earshot and sight, Squall folded his leather-clad arms on top of the steering wheel of the car and dropped his head onto them, burying his face into them as if this gesture alone would make everything go away, but it didn't. The thoughts that had been plaguing him since they left the Presidential Palace were enough to send him over the edge.
Sis... why? Why would you do this? Why would you wait until now to tell me that I had a father? Why didn't I know anything for 17 years... Why would you keep me in the dark like this? Did you not want me to know? No, that can't be it. You were just a kid too. Maybe you really didn't understand the importance of it back then. No, that's a lie. Sis was always the smartest one out of all of us. She was the oldest. She took care of us, she took care of me, and then she left.. She left me all alone... Why? Somebody, please tell me why? Why did I deserve for this to happen? Aren't I a person too? Am I really so bad that I didn't deserve to be raised by a mom or a dad? I wanted parents, just like any other child in this world. Maybe in truth, I still do... No, maybe I just need Sis. Wait, but Sis left. She left me all alone. I had to figure out how to survive in this world and make it on my own. Sis... Did you ever want me? Was I just an obligation for you because I'm your stepbrother?
Squall took a shuddering breath as he lost himself in memories.
He was no older than three years old when he woke up in bed crying loudly, his brown hair plastered to his face from sweat and tears, shivering. The older girl next to him with her chin-length, dark hair and chocolate brown eyes shushed him soothingly, holding the trembling young one in her own small arms.
"It's alright now, Squall. It's okay. It was just a bad dream. Sis is here. Everything is going to be okay. I promise you."
Squall turned his small face into Ellone's shoulder to muffle his sobs while Ellone just brushed back his hair from his face, rocking him gently. Little Squall couldn't remember a time where he'd felt so comforted by someone and he burrowed and snuggled as far into Ellone as he could, feeling himself calm down in the warmth of her arms after his scary nightmare. Ellone hummed gently in his ear, lulling him back to sleep.
(Sis? Where did you go? I've been trying... I've been trying hard to make it on my own. I have. I wish you were here now.)
A 10-year-old Squall Leonhart sat outside near one of the splashing pools of water surrounding Garden, and he tried to allow himself to be soothed by it's trickling sound, but nothing could soothe his lonely, aching heart right at this very moment. Sometimes he seemed to be okay, that he could make it through the day without missing her. Sometimes he seemed to fight against his own longing for Ellone, and missed her so bad it made his chest ache. Today was one of those days. He tried to focus on the book in his hand as he'd just finished one of his junior SeeD classes and was trying to find a comfortable place to study, when a hand grabbed him by the back of his shirt, pulling him roughly to his feet.
"Well look who we have here," a familiar voice sneered from behind Squall and he jerked himself out of the voice's grasp.
He whirled around to come face to face with a set of harsh blue eyes, and blond, slicked- back hair. (Seifer... What do you want?)
"Well Squally. Seems you're out here all by yourself huh? What's wrong? Crying and whining over missing 'Sis' again?" Seifer bullied. "You know you eventually just need to grow up and get over it."
Seifer grabbed Squall by the front of his shirt and pulled him up to his face. "She's never coming back for you, Squall. She doesn't want to come back for you. So get over it and move on, or is that what you're sitting here hoping for?" Seifer shoved the young boy down to the ground, where he landed on his side.
"No," the young Squall replied back, standing himself back up and brushing the dirt and grass from his clothes. Seifer grabbed him again when two figures approached him from behind. One tall and tan-skinned, the other short and thin with silvery hair.
"You tell him, Seifer! Show him what for, ya know!" piped up the male and Squall looked up to see it was Raijin and Fujin.
He made sure to keep his expression as calm as possible as if none of this were bothering him, but in truth, he was screaming inside. He wanted Ellone. He wanted her to be there for him right now more than anything. (Stop waiting for Sis. She's not coming back. Seifer's right. She doesn't want to come back for me. Why would she?)
"LESSON," Fujin stated loudly, waving her hand outward, and Seifer motioned with his head at his two lackeys.
"That's right. I'm gonna teach you a lesson, Squall. I'm gonna teach you how to man up. Fu, Rai, hold his arms!" he ordered the two while Raijin and Fujin hurried behind Squall and grabbed his arms, holding them fast behind his back. "You need to learn if you're gonna be in SeeD how to handle the pressure of a fight. You're just weak, Squall."
Seifer pulled a fist back and punched the young Squall square in the gut. Squall's head fell forward, gasping for breath as Seifer's blow knocked the wind out of him. He raised his head once more, narrowing his ice blue eyes into Seifer's, which only seemed to set him off even more.
"Not had enough yet have you, Squally boy! This is how a real man handles the problem! Not a weakling like you!" He drew back his fist once more and buried into Squall's left jaw, causing his head to snap painfully to the side. Seifer laughed villainously, more amused than anything when a female voice resounded from behind him.
"HEY! That's enough, Seifer! You guys let him go right now! I am not kidding!" A blond girl came running towards the trio and Squall, arms flailing wildly.
"You stay out of this, Trepe. This is business between me and Squall!" Seifer shot back as he brought his hand up once more as though to slap Squall when a hand grabbed his wrist from behind.
"I hardly think that will be necessary," a cool and soft female voice articulated, and Squall looked up with blurry eyes to see a woman dressed in black, with long, raven-colored hair flowing down her back.
"Matron! Thank goodness you're here! Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin were picking a fight with Squall! Seifer kept hitting him! I saw it all!" a young Quistis cried out, her voice sounding extremely worried for such a young girl.
"Thank you, Quistis. Why don't you escort young Squall to the Infirmary to have Dr. Kadowaki take a look at him and make sure he's not injured while I take Mr. Almasy and his friends to the Headmaster," she replied, turning her tawny green eyes sharply onto the trio. "I'll meet up with you Infirmary to check in as soon as I'm done with these two."
"Thank you, Matron," Quistis replied, bowing her head to the blacked haired woman. "C'mon, Squall. Let's go get you fixed up," she tried to soothe him by taking his hand and leading him toward the Infirmary, but Squall just snatched his hand back.
"I don't need you to hold my hand. I can get there myself," he scowled, his jaw and stomach throbbing from the impact of Seifer's blows.
"But Matron said I had to take you there, so whether you like it or not, you're coming with me!"
"Whatever," Squall grumbled as he begrudgingly followed Quistis back into the Garden, down the long, winding hallway, and into the Infirmary.
Dr. Kadowaki sat quietly at her desk, studying some paperwork when Squall and Quistis arrived, and she snapped her head up as the two students came into view. "Hmmm, let me guess," the Garden's doctor began, eyeing Squall who was slightly bent over holding his stomach with his arms. "Sefier," Dr. Kadowaki and Quistis both said in unison. Dr. Kadowaki just shook her bunned head, bemused, and stood from her desk, approaching Squall while patting him gently on the back. "I can take it from here. Thank you, Miss Trepe."
Quistis nodded her head at the doctor and bowed out of the room. Dr. Kadowaki ushered Squall into one of the rooms of the Infirmary and sat him down on the bed. She took his chin in her hand to turn his face where Seifer's fist had made contact so she could have a better look at her patient. "Well, you've got some swelling starting and it looks like you might have a bruise there, but I don't feel any damage to your jawbone, and you're not missing any teeth, so that's one positive."
She stood up and ordered Squall to lie down on the infirmary cot. She felt around on his stomach and ribs, pressing ever so lightly and asking him questions such as if he felt any pain. Squall shook his head no but flinched when she pressed toward the left side of his navel.
"That hurts, doesn't it? I don't think you have any organ damage or bruised ribs, but you may have some muscle and tissue damage. I'm going to give you an ice pack for the swelling on your jaw. That should help, and I'll issue you some pain medication, but you'll need to take it easy for a few days. No training in the training center so you can let that muscle heal. Actually, scratch that. I'd give it a week, at the most. I'll be right back with your ice pack and medicine."
Dr. Kadowaki left Squall laying on the infirmary bed for just moments before she was rushing back in the room to him with an ice pack for his face, a cup of water and a small plastic cup with two pain pills in it. She sat them on the table next to Squall. "You can rest here for now if you would like. You are free to leave whenever you start feeling better." She gave Squall a kind smile before pulling the curtain shut to his little room.
Squall rolled over in the bed to face the wall, ignoring the ice pack and pills. He buried the side of his face, that wasn't hurting, deep into his pillow. Why did he always have to be the one picked on? Was Seifer serious when he said that Ellone was never going to come back for him? Squall closed his eyelids as tight as possible against the prickling sensation building up behind them. Maybe Seifer was right. Maybe that's why she had left in the first place. Maybe she was just tired of him, exhausted of his constant needing to be right there with her, holding her hand. Holding her hand always gave him that sense of security and comfort. Now that feeling was gone, and he was left cold and alone.
(I'm sorry if it was me who made you leave, Sis... I'm really, really sorry.)
Squall couldn't stop the tears that had risen in his eyes and forced their way out of tightly shut lids. He kept his sobs as quiet as he possibly could so no one could hear him, letting his body tremble with them.
(Seifer is right... I am weak... I need to stop this. I need to stop hoping Sis will be coming back. She's not coming back. She won't ever come back, but that's okay. I'm doing my best by myself. I can make it... I can make it all on my own. I'll show her. I'll show him. I'll show everyone!)
The young boy scrubbed at his eyes and steadied his breathing. He vowed to himself those tears would be his last. He would never cry again. He would never be weak again either. He would show Seifer, he would show everyone he wasn't a crybaby, and he didn't need anyone to hold his hand.
Squall lifted his tired head out of his arms and stared at the steering wheel to his car. Out of nowhere, he had an overwhelming urge to go back and visit the orphanage. He wasn't sure why, but something was telling him he needed to be out there. Running a gloved hand down his face, trying to make sure he maintained composure in front of everyone at Garden, the SeeD Commander opened up the door to the car, stepped out and slammed it shut. He was going to go to the bridge and tell Nida to take them to the orphanage. He had to. He needed to visit. If he didn't, then this nagging sensation wouldn't go away.
So that's what he did. He went straight up to the bridge where only Nida sat and told him to prepare to disembark. He ignored Nida's confused rambles, but Squall told him to re-mobilize Garden and to head straight for Cid and Edea's orphanage. After he gave his order, he turned and made his way back down the elevator to the bottom floor. Maybe he felt he could get answers to his confusion there. Maybe it was just a place of tranquility where he could easily gather his thoughts. Maybe he was running. Squall wasn't sure, but he felt somewhere deep down in him that if he went there then he might be able to figure things out, he just wasn't sure, but his head was beginning to hurt from the constant clashing of jumbled thoughts. Try as he might though, he couldn't clear his mind. Maybe out there, he could. Maybe if he just went and sat in his and Rinoa's flower field, it might help soothe the slowly growing, albiet confusing, ache in his heart.
As the young Commander of SeeD came off the elevator, he noticed Rinoa and the others standing near the Garden directory, a confused expression on all of their faces as he made his way down the steps toward them. It was more than evident that they realized Garden was mobile once more, and that they were leaving Fisherman's Horizon.
"Squall, where are we going?" Quistis was the first to ask as she stepped forward, her arms folded across her chest.
"We're going to the orphanage," he responded, remaining impassive and calm. The others opened up their mouths to speak, but he put one hand up, shaking his head.
"Why do we need to go back there for? What's so important?" Zell inquired, but Squall chose to ignore him as well as the other questions and protests coming from his friends.
"We're just... we're going and that's that. Don't ask me anything more about it," Squall stated firmly, as he turned his back toward them.
"Alright then. We understand, Squall," Quistis replied genially, and she and Rinoa turned down the hall, while Selphie, Irvine, and Zell departed in the opposite direction leaving Balamb Garden's leader to his thoughts.
He absentmindedly wondered where they might be headed, but it was the least of his worries. He decided that he himself needed to get elsewhere, but going up to his dorm wasn't an option. Squall was worried that if he went up to his room, laid in his bed and lost himself in his rampant thinking, his composure might crumble, and that wasn't something he was not willing to allow happen. Ever. He didn't want to lay around and think.
Squall decided that instead, he needed something to keep his mind occupied and busy until they reached the orphanage, so he opted for the library. He made his way into the quiet room, only soft voices could be heard here and there as he approached a bookshelf with one of his favorite series of books. Lifting a gloved hand to pull one down, he heard Rinoa's voice resound from the back of the library, followed by Quistis.
"So it's really true then?" Quistis asked Rinoa, sounding concerned. "Laguna is his father for sure? They're absolutely certain and there's no possible way they can be mistaken?"
Rinoa shook her pretty head. "No, there's not. Squall is Laguna and Raine's son. That was what Laguna wanted us to come to Esthar for more than anything, so Laguna could tell Squall that he was his son," she replied in hushed tones. "But please, Quistis. You can't tell anyone I'm telling you this. I don't think Squall is ready for anyone else to know."
"Don't worry, I promise I won't say a word to anyone. This stays between you and me." Quistis paused and then sighed. "It does make me wonder though how he's coping with this and if he's alright."
"Honestly, he says he's fine, that he doesn't want to talk about it, but I don't think he's coping well with this at all because I don't think he knows how," Rinoa answered her, the concern more evident than ever in her tone. "Quistis, I don't think he is fine like he claims to be. I really don't. He and Ellone sort of got into a fight about it too, and-," Quistis cut her off, gasping lightly.
"Wow, seriously? Squall and Ellone fighting? How on earth did that happen? What was said?" her blue eyes widened at this revelation.
"Mainly just Ellone was trying to get Squall to understand Laguna's position in all of this. He didn't even know he had a son until Ellone told him about it, so he's pretty much in the same place Squall is at, according to Ellone. She tried hard to make him understand how Laguna was feeling, but Squall wouldn't have it. You know how stubborn he can be, though. He didn't want to hear it. Personally, I think he's just confused and hurting. He doesn't understand how Ellone could keep something like this to herself for all of these years, never bothering to tell him he had a father out there alive and waiting for him, and why Laguna never took responsibility for Ellone when she was taken to the orphanage." Rinoa sighed, resting her cheek on her fist. "I can't fault him. If Laguna had shown up, Squall wouldn't have...," Rinoa's voice trailed off.
"Wow. I'm just... I mean that's a lot to take in. For both of them. I can't even begin to imagine what he must be feeling, but knowing Squall he'll brush it off as everything is just fine and say he doesn't want to talk about it. Laguna though? I wonder if he's alright? Poor Laguna. He must be so frustrated. Squall can certainly be difficult to deal with, even at the best of times."
"Squall is hurting, Quistis. I know he's hurting. He thinks I can't tell, but I can see it his eyes. I just feel so bad for him. I feel bad for all of them. Ellone started crying, and I wanted to go to her so much, but then I also wanted to go to Squall more. Knowing him though, he would've just shoved me away from him," Rinoa closed her eyes painfully. "Why won't he let me in? He's let me in before, but why not now? I want to help him. I want to help them both. I want him to have his father."
Squall peered through the bookcase's opening, watching the two girls converse. Rinoa looked up at the older blond girl in front of her, and Quistis took one of her hands in hers. "Don't worry, Rinoa. We'll help him get this figured out. He may not think he needs us, but he does. He especially needs you."
Dammit! Rinoa, why! Why did you tell Quistis! How do I know she won't run and tell everyone in Garden now! And you feel bad for me? Really? I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't need anyone's damn sympathy.
Attempting to control his anger, Squall crept out of the library as quickly as he could before anyone could notice his presence. He ran through Garden's halls as fast as he could, ignoring any onlookers. He ran all the way out to the Quad until his lungs burned, and found with a great relief that nobody was out there, and so he ran up onto the terrace, just outside of the Quad, and allowed the wind rushing past him to blow through his hair. He closed his light blue eyes and lifted his face toward the sky as if the wind surrounding him could sweep all of his anger, all of his thoughts, all of this pain or whatever it was he was feeling, away.
His heart did a great leap into his throat as he peered down over the edge of Garden and could see Cid and Edea's old house coming into view. It was still derelict and crumbled as ever, but his heart throbbed in his chest and pounded in his ears. Before Garden could even touch down, Squall grabbed onto the balcony and swung himself over the railing, landing hard on his feet in front of the orphanage.
Raising himself up and clutching the hilt of his gunblade, squeezing so hard that he wondered if he might not break it, he made his way into the old, white, broken down home that once used to be his. This house, it was filled with memories. Memories of happiness, of solitude, of sorrow, loneliness, and longing. Squall hung his head and shook it back and forth.
What am I doing here? Why did I come here if all it was going to do was plague me with horrible memories? I must've had a reason, right? No, I don't think I did. Maybe I just wanted to run away as far as I could get from this whole mess, but you can't run away from your problems, right? People always tell me to face mine, but... I don't know how to face them. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore... I'm so lost... I'm so confused... can somebody please tell me what's the right thing to do? Anybody? Someone?
"Oh, George! Look at this little one!" a cheerful, redheaded woman, short and plump approached a 6-year-old Squall. "He's so handsome!" He sat crouched down in a corner of the house, wearing a green striped t-shirt and a pair of jeans with sneakers that had come untied. "Hello little one," she greeted kindly, lowering herself so she could be eye to eye with the boy. "What is your name?"
Squall felt his throat close up with shyness as he stared at the woman, unable to say a word. He just turned his head away from her, closing his eyes. It had been two years since Ellone had left and not a day went by that he didn't miss her or hope in some way that she'd come back with him. He didn't want to be adopted alone. He needed his Sis to go with him too. "Are you shy? Why don't you tell me your name, sweetie?"
"Just leave that one alone, Martha," a gruff man spoke up as he approached his wife. "I don't want our son to be a mute. Let's go. There are plenty of children here," he grabbed his wife's arm to tug her up, but not before the lady, by the name of Martha, reached out to touch Squall's face gently.
"I'm sorry, little one. I hope you find a home soon."
A few hours later, Squall watched with a heavy heart as the young, blond boy that Seifer always referred to as "Crybaby Zell" was adopted and taken away from the orphanage. Taken away from him. Just one more person to leave Squall all alone.
With a strangled cry, Squall brandished his gunblade and sliced it through one of the standing pillars, pouring every ounce of strength and emotion into this attack. Why didn't she tell me! He thought furiously to himself as the top of the pillar came crashing to the ground.
He lifted his weapon once more above his head with a leap and sliced through the top half of the pillar now laying split in two on the ground.
Why didn't anyone ever want me! *slash* Why did I watch so many kids get adopted! *slash* Why didn't I ever get to have parents too! Why didn't my dad ever come for Ellone so he could find me! *slash*
With another yell, Squall flung his gunblade into the side of what remained standing of the white pillar.
Why does everyone side with Laguna! *slash* Doesn't anyone even care about how I feel? *slash* Everyone wants me to talk to him, but I don't know if I can do that. It's just poor Laguna this. Poor Laguna that! What about me! *slash* Why doesn't anyone care about how I feel! *slash* Why do I have to be the one suffering! No, no I don't want anyone's sympathy. Not from one damn person! I don't need it!
"I DON'T NEED IT!"
The young Commander of SeeD knew he was just lying to himself, which made his insides writhe with rage even more. With every angry thought that burst into his mind, Squall destroyed every single last remaining, crumbling pillar that once stood in front of Edea's old house. The place that used to be his home, but was no longer. Squall breathed heavily as he could feel the sweat on his brow, running down the sides of his face and neck, his chest heaving with every gasp for air. He didn't hesitate to kick open the wooden door to Edea's house and made his way through the ruins of what used to be an immaculately, beautiful home to himself, Matron, Cid and many other children.
Squall forced his way through, slashing through bits of broken wall with his weapon to clear them out of his way, not really paying attention to where he was going until he felt a cool breeze and smelled the scent of flowers and ocean water surrounding him. He gazed forward and realized he was standing on the back porch that lead to the flower field where he had made his promise to Rinoa.
He stood in the field for what felt like hours, wondering why he bothered even coming out here. Rinoa had to of been looking for him, right? So was she going to come here and find him? Did he really want her to? He questioned again why he ever bothered coming back here in the first place. All it was doing was bringing him more rage and more anguish, and that was something extra he didn't need. This just wasn't something he knew how to cope with at all, and for the first time in awhile, Squall felt truly lost.
