Chapter Seventeen: Rarely Pure and Never Simple


"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."

Oscar Wilde


Skye's mouth opened, but she did not utter a sound. Her gaze left him and darted around as if the carpet floor or shuddering shades could offer her some explanation for the million questions flashing in her eyes. Her hands trembled and came up to her face. She brushed her own cheeks and jaw as if testing that she was still in reality before dropping her arms again.

The look on Skye's face of abject disbelief would have been almost amusing in any other circumstances, but Grant was too busy trying to play catch up to enjoy it. Considering Grant prided himself on his ability to read people and situations, it bothered him that he felt so completely out of his depth all of the sudden.

"Is this a joke?" Skye's voice was quiet and put him on edge.

"Is what a joke?" Grant asked with just a tinge of frustration. He forced himself to release his death grip on the sheets. "My name?"

"Your name is Grant Ward," Skye said in a deadened voice. It was both a question and a statement. "And your supervising officer is John Garrett."

Grant was not sure if she was even talking to him at this point or if he should respond. Turns out, she was not waiting on a reaction from him at all.

"Oh my god," she whispered to herself. She grabbed her shirt and threw it on over her head. She was in such a hurry that she did not seem to realize it was inside out.

For some inexplicable reason, it was all he could focus on as everything shifted around him, leaving him stunned and confused. He felt the need to point that out to her. "Skye, your shirt-"

"Don't talk to me," she hissed as she spun around to glare at him, chest heaving wildly. "Don't say anything to me ever again."

"What?" Grant blurted before deciding to just approach the matter head on. "What are you saying? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Skye repeated mockingly. "What's wrong is I just slept with a psychotic serial killer!"

Grant did not know what to say to that. Her mouth was hard and twisted in scorn. It made him feel small to be under such a glower, like the days his mother was particularly disgusted with him as child.

She was not looking at him any longer, grabbing her jacket and the rest of her belongings as quickly as she could. Grant saw she was trembling. In fact, it felt like the whole room was shaking to him.

Staying there, naked on the bed feeling stupid and weak, was not going to help his peace of mind, so Grant seized his pants off the floor and hurriedly yanked them up. He moved to block the exit before Skye could take off. She stared up at him betrayed and repelled as if he were the one who just lost it for no reason.

"Skye," he said, softly and desperately, feeling as though everything was slipping out of his grasp. He did not know when she started to mean so much to him, all he knew was if she walked out now he would break.

He gently cupped her face with his hands to force her to meet his eyes, but she jerked back at once. She recoiled, her face painted in revulsion and her eyes welled up with tears. Skye turned away slightly but her head faced him, searing him with that despairing gaze.

He was frozen, hands stupidly raised touching nothing but air. Grant could not breathe. It felt like something was lodged in his throat. Whatever she saw in his expression just caused her to break his stare.

Skye took several deep breaths to regain her composure. The room was terribly silent. Finally, she jutted her chin out and stubbornly approached the door once more.

"Get out of my way," Skye said, but she could not even look at him. Her eyes were focused over his shoulder at the door.

"Will you just stop for a second?" Grant yelled. Anger rushing into him as it always did when hurt and confusion tried to take over. "You can't seriously expect me to believe that you didn't who I was before now."

"Why? It's not like you ever told me your name," she muttered viciously. "Probably because this was some sick game to you. Or a bid for intel." He could feel the accusation wash over him.

"Don't act like I hid anything from you," Grant snarled. "Every time I've seen you since Seville and we talked, you never asked. And why didn't you just look me up? You're supposed to be the computer expert. My identity is hardly a secret at SHIELD. Why are you acting like this?"

"You killed Eric Koenig!" Skye screamed at him, but he did not know what to say. He did not even know who that was. She must have read the thoughts on his face though because she laughed bitterly. "You have no idea who I'm talking about, right? Must be hard to keep track of everyone you murdered when you've killed as many people as you have."

Shame twisted in his gut. It was not the words, cruel and true as they were, but the fact that it was Skye saying them. It was Skye looking at him like he disgusted her.

He covered up any pain and fired back, "Yeah, like you know the names of every person you've crossed off. Because you didn't know Rodriguez's."

Skye laughed slightly hysterically. "You're trying to make me feel bad for killing a Nazi murderer. Don't pretend we're the same, you're John Garrett's pet monster." Grant's chest tightened painfully as she hurled the insults at him. "Now get the hell out of my way."

Grant should let her leave. Nothing he said was going to fix anything. He was still trying to grasp how quickly the situation had changed. He had been kissing her, watching her head thrown back in pleasure, inside of her just an hour ago.

She appeared so distraught and all he wanted to do was comfort her, but he was the reason why she was distressed in the first place. He could not even decide which was worse, seeing her this way or knowing he was the cause of it.

But he was seized by some absurd desperation to make her understand. "Skye…"

He did not know what he had planned to say after that, but it did not matter. The windows shattered without warning. Glass flew everywhere and littered his hands and face with cuts. He instinctively moved to cover Skye, but she lurched backwards and shrieked, "Don't touch me! Don't come anywhere near me!" Her hands covered her mouth in horror and fear.

Realizing that they were likely under attack, Grant focused instead on grabbing his gun and assessing the threat. But there was nothing he could see amiss.

When he turned back around bewildered, he saw that Skye had used his distraction to escape. She could not have gone far, he could chase her down, but Grant just slumped down to the bed and tried to organize his thoughts.

The images of Skye sneering at him and shouting at him not to talk to her, not to touch her, tormented him. It was not the first time someone had reacted that way to him nor would it be the last. In fact, revulsion was a pretty standard response he got from SHIELD agents. In their superiority, they deemed him the scum of the earth. They never thought there was anything good or worthy in him.

But Skye had never been like that, even the day they first met. She had always treated him like she expected better of him, that she saw him as more than an enemy killer. Grant foolishly let her warmth wash over him and inadvertently became hopeful. He did not even know what he had longed for with her except that he clearly had let himself believe in something. He allowed himself to get attached and be weak without even meaning to. Now it was all gone anyway, and Grant just felt empty.

Unbidden, Grant remembered words John told him long ago when he scared little kid.

"Let me give you a little advice, kid," John had begun in his first visit after the six longest months of Grant's life. Grant had hung on every word, filled with a strange excitement at just hearing someone else speak. His voice and Buddy's barks had been his only companions for so long. "Stop caring about people because they're never going to care about you." Grant had wanted to say something in disagreement, but John was so experienced and wiser. He had the answers to everything. "When you care, they use it against you and you always end up let down eventually. I learned that the hard way."

John had been right. That was not surprising since he usually was, but the fact that Grant forgot that, forgot himself, because some SHIELD agent waltzed into his life was. Ward had allowed Skye to make him believe in things he long since accepted he would never have and could never be.

But she had only acted that way because she did not even know who he was. No one who knew anything about him could think otherwise.

Grant stood motionless in the room for longer than he could afford. The noise from the glass breaking would have alerted someone. He needed to go. On autopilot, he finished dressing and rearming himself. He cleared the room of any evidence that he had been there and ignored the way it burned to do so. He snuck out right before the hotel staff arrived.

Grant arrived back at base feeling numb. There was no other way to describe it, a coldness had seeped into his bones, and there was just nothing.

He had tried to be something he was not, but now he knew that. John was the only one who cared, the only one who had ever cared. Grant's judgment had been clouded and he let himself forget, but now he was going to make up for lost time.

No more distractions.


Skye stumbled out of the room as fast as she could. She was so unsteady. She could not breathe.

Was the world shaking or was she just imagining that?

Skye tried to meditate, she tried to get it under control, but it was too much. She had waited too long and her powers were fighting their way out under the sudden emotional strain.

Oh god, why could she not breathe?

She was torn between running out of the hotel immediately or hiding out and making sure Grant left first. Grant. Hah, Grant Ward. She finally knew his name.

If she waited and lost control though, she could bring the whole building down around everyone and kill hundreds of people. And Grant, she would kill him, too.

Her thoughts swirled in her head making less and less sense by the minute. She had never felt so overwhelmed before. All her thoughts were vying for attention, contradicting one another.

He was Grant Ward, John Garrett's right hand man. He was the guy that Trip scoffed at and May called Garrett's personal lapdog.

That was the man whose arms she had spent last night and this morning in. He had held her tightly to him, brushed the hair out of her face and gently kissed her.

He was right about how she should have known. Of course, she should have known. It was obvious. She had witnessed enough from him to see how skilled he was. Why had she believed him to be anything but a highly ranked, infamous Hydra killer?

She knew why though. She had been kidding herself the whole time, purposely ignoring any evidence that indicated he was really one of them. How many theories had she considered of him being just a mercenary or not loyal to Hydra or not an embedded agent? She had wanted so badly to believe that the connection she had unwillingly formed was not with a murderer. She had wanted a reason to explain away her attraction to a Hydra agent.

But he kept giving her reasons to know better, and she kept ignoring them as much as she could. She made up excuses of why she could not look him up in the databases, why she should not tell Coulson or the others about him, why she should not ask his name. She had known that if she had done any of those things and seen the undeniable proof before her, she could not have continued her encounters with him.

That made her wonder, had she known in some part of her the whole time? When she yelled at him about Eric in the closet, was she subconsciously trying to test his reaction?

That was almost worse. She had lied to herself for weeks all the while fraternizing with not just an enemy but one of the worst enemies SHEILD had.

She could not stop replaying everything over and over again in her head. She could see him in her mind caressing her face and kissing her chest just as clearly as she could picture the expression of hurt as she yelled anything she could think of to get him away from her. It was doing nothing to calm her down.

The second the name left his lips, Skye had frozen. It had taken a while for the full implications to catch up with her. As soon as they did, she knew she had to leave as soon as possible.

It was not just a desire to have some space to break down or even a need to get away from the reminder of what just happened, but she was terrified of losing it. Her powers had been begging her for release for days, but she had pushed them aside in an attempt to feel normal. With the onslaught of confusion, pain, and misery at the revelation that she had slept with Eric's killer not even two days after he died, they began acting up.

He had not seemed to realize that the room had begun to tremble, probably distracted by her screaming, but she knew it was only going to get more obvious if she did not leave soon.

When he blocked her exit, Skye almost lost it then and there. The conversation just escalated and then the window had exploded.

He had tried to shield her from the shards, but Skye became even more desperate for space. She had done that. She was the cause of the destruction. If he touched her, would she break him, too?

After all the accusations and insults, Skye found herself more concerned for him than anything. It just made her feel worse. She should have been afraid that Hydra would abduct and brainwash her if they discovered her powers, not that Grant would realize she was an abomination and run away. She should have tried to rain destruction on him, not cringe away at just the thought of hurting him.

Skye's arms were starting to hurt, she could feel her body attacking itself. In a stairwell in the hotel where she slept with Grant Ward, Skye let the tears finally fall.

She hugged her knees to her chest and sobbed. She cried for her lost humanity, her pathetic judgment, her decision to have sex with a Hydra agent, and her inability to fully regret her choice anyway.

Her arms hurt. Skye looked them over and could see the faint beginnings of bruising. It did not hurt enough to be full on fractures, but she knew that it would get worse if she did nothing.

Skye had clamped down on her powers also because she knew a massive earthquake would attract SHIELD's attention. The last thing she wanted was for them to realize that she snuck off. If they found out that she spent the night with Grant Ward…

Skye's heart rate eventually slowed, and she was able to think again. With some of her calm restored, her powers also let up enough that it stopped hurting. Skye guessed that was the best an abomination could hope for.

Skye recalled how Grant had tried to justify not having a clue who Skye was talking about when she spoke of Eric's death. That was probably how Skye had missed the fact that he was arguably Hydra's biggest killer. He did not think of it or even care. It was like when she tried to point of his needless killings of the AIM agents, he seemed shocked that she had any issue with it. Of course he saw nothing wrong with all that he had done.

That was not the most painful part of the fight though. Skye liked when he acted cold, that made it easier to attack and spurn him. No, it was when he was acting like the person she thought he was that Skye could not even bear to look at him.

The face he made when she pulled away as he tried to cradle her face again. He looked lost and confused, like gravity had abruptly flipped and left him standing on the ceiling without a way down. His eyes were wide and devastated, his hands curled pointlessly in the air. It was pathetic. It was heartbreaking.

Skye rose from the ground and scrubbed her cheeks to erase any evidence of her tears away. She had given herself a moment to let everything out, but now she had push past her self-pity. Grant was gone, her powers were subdued, all that was left was to move on.

She cleaned herself up and ensured that when she returned to the base that no one would be able to tell that she was miserable. She smiled at all the right moments walking down the hall and if anyone noticed she was quieter than usual, no one spoke up.

Skye self-consciously tugged her sleeves down to hide the marks on her arms. She did not want to see the reactions from the others. All of her friends were well aware of what the bruises meant. They would be concerned and wonder what had happened. Why did Skye lose control and hurt herself? What made her so upset?

Worse still, fear they could not entirely hide would bleed into their eyes, and Skye would hear the questions no one dared to voice. Why have you not yet learned to control it? Are you going to bring the roof down on us while we sleep? Are we going to regret allowing you to live among us like you're still normal when you're not?

Skye was drowning in her own thoughts. She had to get away from it all.

"May," she called out to her S.O. when she caught a glimpse of her. "Can we go on that trip now?"

May frowned slightly. "I was going to Coulson's office to-"

Skye cut her off. "Please." She did not even have it in her to be ashamed and afraid of May's reaction to her obvious desperation.

But May just nodded and said, "Sure. Be ready in five. Wheels are up in ten." Then she walked into Coulson's office anyway, likely to tell the director.

Skye was glad for it. She did not want to see Coulson's expression at the knowledge that Skye felt like a ticking time bomb. More than that, Skye was not sure she could face Coulson knowing that hours ago she was fucking his worst enemy's prodigy.

Skye strode towards her room to change into something that she would not mind getting ruined by mountains of mud and dirt. She barely acknowledged anyone as the passed her. One of the people she saw was Mack, who did not meet her eyes, but Skye wondered could he tell? Could he see her freakishness as it tried to force its way out of her.

"Skye!" A friendly voice called.

Skye shut her eyes in frustration. Of all the people to run into at this time, it had to be Simmons. She briefly considered pretending she did not hear, but that would be pathetic. Simmons did not deserve it anyway.

"Simmons, I can't talk," Skye said hurriedly as she stopped and faced her friend.

"Oh," Simmons' expression dropped at Skye's obvious dismissal. "Do you have a mission?"

Skye shrugged noncommittally. "Sort of."

"I just wanted to enquire after last night. He was quite handsome-"

"Simmons, not now, okay?" Skye interrupted. She could not think about the night before without collapsing. The reminder that she had misled Simmons only made it more painful to think about.

"Right, of course," Simmons said, now visibly upset but trying not to show it. Skye felt like she just kicked a puppy.

"I've got to go," Skye mumbled. She left her friend there, all alone and despondent with her brush off the way Grant was.

May flew the quinjet to a Californian wilderness that happened to be on a large fault line. They checked the area for any stray hikers, but it was clear. As usual, May dropped her off and told her to call her when she was finished.

Skye watched the quinjet disappear into the sky and wondered where May even went during these trips.

Skye took a deep breath and cleared her mind of May and SHIELD and everything else. The bees in her stomach were acting up, and she was finally going to give them the release they asked for. Nothing else mattered for the next couple hours.

Skye let go.

The ground beneath her immediately began to rumble. The shaking's intensity increased until trees were uprooted and cracks appeared on the ground. Everything around her was in chaos, but Skye was unscathed. When she did not try to control her powers, they never hurt. If anything, she felt fire race through her veins and ignite an energy she did not know existed. In those moments, Skye was untouchable. It was only the aftermath she dreaded.

It still was not enough though. Skye threw her arms out and let the last bit of hesitation she had go. This time the earth was not the only thing affected, she felt the vibrations of everything around her and just pushed.

In a mixture of shock and horror, Skye watched as the trees around her toppled over, shoved far away by the invisible force of Skye's powers. As far as Skye could see, all the objects crumbled under her control. The forest fell apart for her.

Skye sank to her knees, partially from exhaustion but also in hopelessness. How was she ever going to deal with being this destructive monster?

Without meaning to, Skye let her eyes drift shut and remembered something from the night before.

Skye lay on her side, staring at her companion with a soft smile. She was surprised either of them were even awake at this point. After a few rounds, her partners usually tired out and fell asleep on her. Sometimes it was before she had even finished.

Skye almost wanted to make a joke about secret agents' stamina. She held her tongue though because his eyes were filled with something like awe as he looked back at her, and Skye wanted to bask in it.

His arm was lightly curled around her waist, their legs tangled up under the sheets, and he was stroking her hip absentmindedly. She wondered if he knew that he did that, caressed her whenever his fingers rested on her body. It did not seem like a conscious action.

"I've never done this," he confessed in the darkness, almost to himself.

"Had sex?" Skye asked, vaguely alarmed and incredibly skeptical. No one was that good without practice.

He chucked lightly. Their faces were so close together that his breath rustled her hair. "No, but should I be offended that you think this was my first time?"

"I have high standards, what can I say?" Skye teased.

His face softened in amusement. He shook his head lightly. "I've never done this. Meet up with someone specific for sex, go out of my way to be with them."

"What do you mean?" Skye questioned. "Who do you sleep with then?"

He shrugged and averted his gaze. "Other agents who approach me for something casual, targets on missions, whatever's convenient."

"So you've never had a relationship?" Skye found herself wondering.

He did not answer, but Skye did not need him to. This was the same guy who said he did not have any friends at SHIELD or Hydra. It did not seem like close interpersonal relationships were his forte.

It was not like she had a lot of worthwhile, long-term relationships, but it made her sad to think that he had never had any at all.

Maybe that was normal for the agents who had not been picked up out of the streets a year ago. It was hard to balance a relationship with the life of a spy. Even as she thought that, Skye realized that it was not true. Coulson and May were the most dedicated agents she had ever met, and both of them had serious relationships in the past. Melinda married to the job May had an ex-husband.

She was not sure what she should say to his admission, so instead she leaned in and captured his lips again. His hand tightened on her waist and pulled her closer. Their hips aligned again. Skye felt his arousal growing as he rolled on top of her.

Okay, now she really wanted to make that joke about his stamina.

Skye smiled into his lips and wrapped her legs around him. He pulled back and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She curled her fingers tightly in his hair, clutching him to her, as he ducked his head down to kiss her neck before entering her again.

Skye wanted nothing more than to return to that moment, cradled in his arms, even knowing all she did now. It felt like a betrayal to SHIELD and Coulson just to wish for that.

Skye robotically retrieved her phone and called May. She had no idea what she was going to say, there was no way anyone would believe that the destruction around her was caused by an earthquake. After informing her S.O. that she was ready to be picked up, Skye slumped to the ground defeated.


Please don't hate me. I know this is incredibly angsty, but it had to happen. It's always darkest before the dawn?

One thing I promised to myself when I began this fic was that I wouldn't pull punches just because it would be easier or it hurt to write. Skye lashing out at Ward like this I think is pretty in character. In general, people can have a tendency to say and do some hurtful stuff when confronted or cornered, especially if they feel guilty.

Next chapter, the bombshells continue to be dropped. I felt there was too much in this chapter to have yet another revelation, so it's in the next chapter. I wonder if anyone can guess what I'm talking about.

If you don't hate me and the chapter (or even if you do,) I'd love to hear your feedback.