Chapter Twenty: Deny the World
"Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire."
–Kurt Tucholsky
Agent 33 had yet to lower her weapon, so Skye was hesitant to make a move for her own. The woman did not attempt to pull the trigger even though she looked as lost as Skye felt. Skye sympathized, she did not know what to make of any of this either.
"Why?" Agent 33 wondered incredulously to her partner. Apparently Grant had not mentioned his recent encounters with SHIELD agents, and 33 was confused as to what was going on and why he would stop her from killing them. Her eyes darted towards the hunched over Grant as he braced himself on the wall.
"Can't you just do what I say?" Grant said darkly to the wall.
"Not when you're acting like this," Agent 33 retorted.
Grant visibly took a deep breath as if to calm himself and find his focus. At least, that was what Skye hoped he was doing because she was really wary of this new, angry Ward.
"If they're here, that means they activated the security measures," Grant spoke through gritted teeth. Skye wondered if that meant that the two of them had been better prepared and able to avoid the glass door of doom locking them in. "So they trapped us inside with them," Grant continued as he threw an accusatory glare at Fitz. He was still purposely not looking at Skye.
"I'm waiting for the part where you explain why I shouldn't shoot them now," Agent 33 said dryly.
Grant pushed himself off the wall and faced them again. His hands clenched and unclenched rhythmically belying the emotionless façade he was affecting. "He's an engineer, and she's a hacker. They can override the system easily."
Agent 33 opened her mouth likely to question him again, but Skye blurted out before the other woman could speak, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Grant turned rigid and bit out lowly, "Don't talk to me." He finally met her gaze, but now Skye wished he had not. There was a sneer turning down his lips as he glared at her furiously. Skye's chest tightened painfully at being on the receiving end of such a look from him.
He hated her, Skye realized. Even as she watched him, his face contorted in a mask of rage all over again, and he kicked the door all the while swearing to himself.
A light hand touched her arm, and Skye was startled to remember that there were other people in the room beside Grant and her. Fitz gave her a sympathetic glance before turning his attention to Grant. He observed the outburst with the intelligent light that always accompanied his scientific experiments and creations.
Fitz's expression tightened. "I didn't know Hydra had gotten their hands on the Berserker Staff."
"The what?" Agent 33 asked the group. Grant worked his jaw but made no move to deny Fitz's implied claim or answer the other Hydra agent's question. Skye took a step back in shock, but now that Fitz had pointed it out, she could see the signs. Hydra must have gotten ahold of the staff when they raided the Fridge.
Skye ran her eyes over her former lover, took in the rage that lined his body, the taut muscles, the inability to focus past the fury. What was it that Professor Randolph said, that the Berserker Staff "shines a light into your dark places"? Skye could imagine Grant had plenty of dark places. He was anti-social, paranoid and prone to violence. Actually, Skye could think of few people that would be worse candidates to hold the staff. Grant appeared worse off than May after she held it.
"What's the Berserker Staff?" Agent 33 repeated when no one spoke, narrowing her eyes at Fitz expectantly. She had yet to lower her gun but was clearly preoccupied with the change of events and volatility of her partner. Still, Skye surreptitiously reached for her sidearm, just in case. With the staff making Grant irrational, Skye was even less sure they would all walk away from this without a deadly confrontation. She wanted to be prepared.
Grant whirled on her. "Are you trying to make things worse?" He hissed. "Stop reaching for your weapon." Skye froze with all the eyes on her now. "And Kara lower your goddamn gun now."
Agent 33's face pinched as she debated whether or not to listen. In the end, she put her gun away, but Skye noticed a hand lingered on the grip. She raised the other hand as if to show Grant that she was harmless. Skye could not tell if she did not consider Fitz or her to be significant enough threats or if she wanted to appease Grant, who was growing more frightening by the second.
"The Berserker Staff is an ancient Asguardian weapon that gives the wielder superhuman strength and an adrenaline rush but also fills them with uncontrollable hatred and rage, hence the name: Berserker," Fitz explained for the sake of peace. "It's known to cause flashbacks of unpleasant events as well." He paused to take a breath, "So what did you see?"
"Do you ever shut up?" Grant sneered at Fitz in lieu of answering.
"Whoa, you need to calm down," Skye said defensively.
Fitz seemed hurt by Grant's attitude, but Skye was moving away from her instinctive mirrored rage and into an entirely different emotion. She was not pissed or upset, she merely felt pity. She could see that Grant was in pain and trying to hide it.
Skye's mind raced as she considered everything. The danger she and Fitz were in. Hunter and Trip outside the room. Being trapped with two Hydra agents. One of whom was dangerously unstable thanks to an alien weapon. And also someone she slept with and parted on not so great terms, to put it mildly.
She tried to sort through the information to plan a course of action, but her thoughts kept circling back to Grant.
Why had Grant even held the staff? If it were for the extra strength, he would still have it with him. Agent 33 said that Garrett took him away as some form of training for days and he returned like this, but that just made no sense. What would be the purpose of making Grant suffer the side effects?
What was it that Grant had said to explain it, that he needed it to focus and that Garrett was helping him? It sounded like Grant may actually view being forced to hold the staff as a form of training. If that were the case, then Garrett was a sick son of bitch- and Grant was not all that much better mentally. Unless this was a way of manipulating Skye.
But no, she was sure Grant and Agent 33 had not realized she was listening in. So what the hell was going on?
Garrett's gift looked innocent enough. It was a simple staff that stretched several feet long. Etched into it were markings that Grant did not recognize despite his talent for languages.
John crouched beside the open, black case that contained the staff with an excited grin. Grant noticed with some trepidation that John made no move to touch the thing.
"Pick it up," his mentor ordered with a nod towards it.
Grant did not let himself hesitate despite his growing unease. He reached down and grabbed the staff firmly. The engravings lit up a fiery orange under his fingers.
Immediately visions and feelings swarmed into him and consumed him. Distantly he noted his breath caught in a weak gasp as he fell.
"Grant!"
Water was everywhere but not touching him at all. The cool stones of the well dug into his palms as he rubbed his hands raw. The indecision was overwhelming. He needed to help, but he needed to stay. Thomas clawed at the water, desperately and pathetically.
"Grant, help me!"
He was going to drown. He had never been a good swimmer. Christian had sneered that Thomas liked to stay away from the pools in their country club or house because he was secretly pitifully terrified of drowning.
"Please, help me!"
Grant could not breathe. Thomas was going to die. Christian was going to kill him. His mother was going to punish him. Thomas was going to die.
The world tilted on its axis, and Grant just stood there watching it all crumble around him. Weak, so weak.
Ward came back to himself after he dropped the cursed thing. He jerked back towards the wall unable to catch his breath. He was on the ground, sprawled ungainly, at a loss as to what just happened.
"You say you're not that kid anymore, but just the memory of back then reduces you to this."
Grant peered up to see John staring at him with contempt. The awful staff was stopped underneath the toe of Garrett's boot.
Grant wanted to pull himself together so that John would not see how weak he was, but he did not even know where to begin. The flashes of the well were still coming and the images burned into his skull. He had tried to forget for so long, wanted to block it out, but now it was back and it was everywhere.
There was also a mounting rage building up from the pit of his stomach. He hated, he hated everything.
"I want you to remember where you came from, what you were when I found you," John continued. "What you would still be if not for me."
The sound of Grant's panting served as his response. He looked at John uncomprehendingly, the words rang disjointedly in his ears as Grant struggled to make sense of them.
"You're going to stay here and get reacquainted with your past. I'll come back to let you know when to stop. And if you can't do that…" John trailed off with a shrug. "Well, then maybe I shouldn't have bothered with you back then. You're still the same kid, always playing the victim."
John left then without another word or glance. He would know if Grant backed down, too. He would just be able to look at him and see the truth.
Grant's eyes fell on the staff. Determined not to feel anything, he watched as if from afar as his own arm extended towards it and his fingers curled around it.
The fury and loathing returned full force anyway as Grant drowned in his memories.
He could not remember how much time passed before John came back and knocked it out of his shaking hands. He gave him a proud smile and some encouraging words but everything felt hollow and sickening to Grant.
He was able to better focus when Garrett told him that Whitehall had discovered a facility connected to one that created Coulson's miracle drug. Whitehall was sending Kara in to get some information about alien technology and research, but John needed Grant to go along to secretly search for any intel pertaining to the GH formula.
The thought of a breakthrough for John usually excited Grant but not at that moment. He was empty and lifeless as John ecstatically patted him on the back and directed him towards the door.
When John turned to leave, Grant followed robotically, grateful at least to leave the staff behind. He held up his hands before his face and stared at them as if they belonged to someone else. His knuckles were bruised and bloody. His head throbbed so much that Grant gingerly raised his fingertips to the area. They came away red as well.
Grant vaguely recalled repeatedly punching the floor and running into the walls. Just the scant seconds of physical pain distracted him from the real agony and made the illogical actions worth it.
The staff lay useless on the ground of the safehouse, but Grant was no less furious than when he was touching it.
Grant had found what he thought looked like promising intel even with Kara's unnecessary hovering, but that was about the only good thing that had happened on this awful mission.
Kara kept asking obnoxious, probing questions. SHIELD had shown up and managed to activate the trap that he and Kara had gone out of their way to avoid. Fitz ranted on and on about that fucking staff. And Skye was there.
She was there. She was staring. She was going to drive him insane.
He refused to meet her gaze more than necessary. If he did, he was afraid that he would let loose all the fury and hatred he was attempting to contain on her. Worse still, he might beg her for attention or deliverance or some such nonsense because he missed her despite everything,
Either possibility was terrifying in different ways, so Grant avoided looking at her.
"Fiz, why don't you make yourself useful and undo the trap you two idiots set off," Grant growled without acknowledging Skye at all.
"Don't talk to him that way," Skye protested. Grant ignored her, but she did not take kindly to that. Of course, she had to meddle as always. "Hey, listen to me."
She made the mistake of grabbing his arm to get him to face her. Grant tensed at once, assaulted by images of their night together interspersed with flashbacks of how his mother used to grip him there to hold him in place as she shouted that he was a repulsive disappointment.
Grant flinched and reacted without thinking. He ripped his arm free, which pushed Skye back. The force knocked her into the wall with a light thud. Grant was in her face before either of them could process what had just happened. He slammed his palm into the wall inches from her head and started shouting.
"What part of 'don't talk to me' is too hard for you to understand, huh? Don't talk to me, don't touch me, don't even look at me. You care so much about Fitz and his feelings? Why don't you watch him as he fixes your screw up and leave me the fuck alone?!"
He was breathing heavily by the end, crouched menacingly over her. Skye's eyes were widened and her expression was one of shocked horror. There may have been some fear as well. Grant could not tell because the second he was in control of himself again, he wrenched himself away.
He carded his fingers through his hair and refused to look at any of them. When they started talking, he wanted to tune them out, but it felt like his senses were all working on overdrive, heightened to the point of putting him on edge.
"This staff you said is affecting him, how long do the effects last?" Kara asked quietly. "How long is he going to be like this? He's not touching it now."
"Technically the emotional impact of the Berserker Staff lasts decades in humans, but every second without contact only serves to mitigate the symptoms," Fitz explained in a subdued tone. "It's hugely dependent on the state of mind of whoever wields it and their own capability to conqueror their rage and hatred."
"Do you know why Garrett had him hold it?" Skye questioned.
"Punishing him I thi-" Kara began before Grant decided he had had enough.
He whirled on all of them. They froze staring at him as if expecting another outburst. Grant took a deep breath to try and calm himself before hissing, "If you're all done gossiping about me like children, then maybe you can do something productive like get us out of here already."
Fitz leveled him with a hard stare that Grant could not interpret before moving to recalibrate the system. He got to work on the wall panel quickly. Skye hesitated before following him, presumably to protect him from the oh-so-terrible "Nazi serial killers".
"Grant, what's going on?" Kara asked softly as soon as the SHIELD agents had put some distance between them.
"I already told you, we need them to get us out of here," Grant said. It was a good excuse to not kill them because it was true. Maybe they really only needed Fitz alive, but Grant was not planning on informing Kara of that.
"Not that," Kara shook her head. "What's going on with you and Garrett and this alien staff?"
Grant crossed his arms. "It's none of your business."
"Yes, it is. You're my partner, and you're acting like a lunatic right now." Grant clenched his jaw at the description. "And you've been acting strangely for a lot longer than just today."
"Drop it," Grant muttered. If he kept his voice low enough, maybe Skye and Fitz would not be able to listen in.
"No, I'm worried about you," Kara insisted stubbornly. "Why did Garrett put you through this?"
"He's helping me," Grant bit out hoping to end the conversation.
"This isn't help. How can you defend him treating you like this?"
There was something so ironic about the clueless brainwashing victim trying to act like Garrett mistreated him that made Grant give a harsh laugh.
"You have no idea what he's done for me," Grant said to redirect the conversation.
"You mean what he's done to you," Kara corrected. When Grant glared at her, she raised her hands in surrender. "Look, I get it. Garrett gave you purpose, you're loyal to him. I understand what that's like."
She was referring to her relationship with Whitehall. Grant had heard her say those exact words before, that he had given her a "purpose". She was suggesting that her forced bond with Whitehall was just like his with John. It was a disturbing idea that made Grant's hackles rise.
"We're nothing alike," Grant snarled. "Your relationship with Whitehall, it's-" He cut himself off unsure of how to vocalize the messed up nature of Whitehall's control over her. He could not reveal what had happened to her. It could set off Kara or maybe Fitz or Skye would take advantage of that information. He did not think they would, but they could still tell someone who would. It was too risky. "John and I go way back," he said instead.
"You go way back?" Kara said disbelievingly. He had a feeling he offended her with his reaction to her comparison. "He was your S.O. after the academy."
The rage coursing through him and her insistence prevented him from thinking before blurting, "No, that was just an act. I've known John since I was a teenager." The second the words left his mouth, he froze and glanced towards the SHIELD agents.
Kara did not seem overly concerned that Skye and Fitz were blatantly eavesdropping, but that was probably because she planned to kill them as soon as they were no longer useful. Since Grant was not of the same mindset, what they overheard mattered to him.
There was no reason really that Skye, Kara or Fitz could not know that his relationship with Garrett went on longer than his files indicated. It gave them no tactical advantage, but Grant liked to keep everything about his past close to his chest. He did not want to give anyone an excuse to look into it.
Kara seemed thrown. She clearly intended to ask a follow up question, but Grant would not allow it. He could not trust himself right now to stay levelheaded enough not to reveal something he wished to hide.
"Don't act like you know anything about my relationship with John," Grant bit out. He turned towards Fitz who was not even pretending that he was still working. "Are you done yet?"
"Done? Uh, yeah, I have been for a while now, but I didn't want to interrupt…" Fitz trailed off under the weight on Grant's furious look. "Right, I'll just open the door now."
After the glass wall came down, Grant assessed the scene quickly. If he were right, then there were other SHIELD agents around. Maybe Skye and Fitz had tripped up the trap and separated them, but he had a hard time believing that only one rookie field agent and a scientist were sent on this mission. As he expected, he heard the footsteps coming in response to sound of the trap falling at once.
Kara did, too, because she grabbed the unprepared Fitz and had him pressed up against her front facing forward with a knife to his neck before British guy and Trip even turned the corner. Fitz choked protests that Kara studiously ignored. Following her lead, Grant pulled out his sidearm and pointed it at the shocked Skye.
"What the hell? Are you serious right now?" Skye seemed more angry than afraid. Typical.
Maybe it was pointless because he would not kill Skye and she probably knew that, but it would give their teammates pause and probably save Fitz and Skye from being associated with known Hydra members by SHIELD.
Trip and the British agent stopped short when they caught sight of the four of them. They began to draw their weapons, but Grant clicked his tongue at them. It was their fault really for being caught off their guard.
"Not so fast," Grant said steadily with only the barest sliver of his inner turmoil bleeding through. It was easier to keep his cool with these guys than Fitz and especially Skye. "Unless of course you want to watch them bleed out before you."
"If you kill them, you lose your leverage," Trip said in the dangerous tone he only took on in his rare serious moments.
"We don't need leverage to get out of here," Kara said while tightening her grasp on Fitz. He let out a squeaking sound as she cut off his ability to breathe. Grant shifted imperceptibly and refused to let his own discomfort at Fitz's pain show. "The two of you against the two of us? I like our odds," she grinned with her face pressed against the rapidly turning blue scientist's cheek.
"Let him go," Trip demanded.
"Let us go free and we'll let him go after we clear the building," Grant negotiated. "We'll even give you back Skye as a sign of goodwill." It was a useless threat because Grant could still not bring himself to cross her off, so he may as well leave her behind. Besides, it hurt to look at her.
"As if you won't kill him as soon as we're out of sight," Trip said shaking his head. "No way."
Grant gritted his teeth already exasperated from the pointless standoff. "You have my word that we'll leave him unharmed once we're clear."
"Your word?" The British agent spluttered incredulously, "Your word means nothing to us."
"You can't be serious," Trip deadpanned.
Grant inhaled deeply through his nose as he attempted to remain calm. Despite how it was the last thing he wanted to do, he turned his gaze to Skye. As they locked eyes, Grant's chest tightened at the reminder of all he had and all he had lost once more. He forced those thoughts aside and addressed her directly in a low voice, "If you let us go, I promise you Fitz will be returned to you unhurt."
Skye deliberated, the internal conflict coloring her expression and dancing in her dark eyes. She unflinchingly met his stare before turning towards her friend.
"Fitz," she called softly as they communicated without words. The scientist seemed to jerk his head in a stilted motion that Grant guessed was supposed to be a nod. Skye returned her focus to him. "Don't make me regret this."
He heard her other companions voice complaints and fears, but Skye regarded him without acknowledging it. Her faith in him after everything thrilled him. It was such an overreaction to a truly small gesture, but it meant the world to Grant because it was Skye who trusted him. That tiny bit of joy after weeks of walking around dead inside tore through the anger.
"Are you sure about this?" Kara wondered lowly, her eyes darted to him before returning to face their enemies.
Grant inclined his head. "We got what we came for."
"We can't let you leave with important intel," Trip said.
"What's more important, that we don't get what we want or the life of your teammate?" Grant threw back at him impatiently.
Trip was silent, but the British agent was not. "Get on with it then."
Kara and Grant backed steadily from the room and into the elevator. Kara's grip on Fitz never faltered even as he stumbled from the awkwardness of their retreat and her hold. Grant never broke eye contact with Skye until the elevator doors closed and cut her off from his view.
"You can let up now," Fitz pointed out with a gasp. "I'm not going anywhere."
Kara frowned. "Shut up." But Grant did note that her grip loosened anyway.
Within minutes they reached their quinjet, and Kara finally let Fitz go. Grant scanned the area, but there were no signs of any other SHIELD operatives or evidence that Fitz's team had followed them.
"What the hell?" Fitz's surprised voice made Grant turn around to see that Kara was pointing a gun at his head. "You said you'd let me go."
"I didn't," Kara told him unconcernedly. "He did, and you were stupid to believe him anyway."
"Kara," Grant began, "Let's go."
"We can't just let him live," Kara reasoned. "Whitehall wouldn't want us to."
That was bad. If Kara believed Whitehall wanted her to do something, like kill Fitz despite promises otherwise, she would. Her brainwashing would not allow for anything else.
"What Whitehall wants is the intel," Grant hissed. "He doesn't care about some SHIELD scientist who isn't even cleared for combat."
"If he's a skilled scientist, then Whitehall would want us to bring him in," Kara contended.
"You're wasting time with this," Grant said.
"It'd take only a second for me to pull the trigger. Want to tell me why you're really arguing with me on this?"
Saying that he promised Skye he would not hurt her friend was not an excuse. Telling Kara that he liked Fitz and did not particularly want him to die was an even weaker one. "Just listen to me," was all he came up with.
Kara stared at him out of the corner of her eye before slowly lowering her weapon. "You're going to explain to me what the hell is going on after we get out of here."
Without any better options, Grant nodded in agreement to her demand. "Fire up the jet. I'll watch him." She could still change her mind and kill Fitz the second he turned around. She probably knew that was the reason he told her to go because her lips pinched, and Grant could see she was upset. She did as he said anyway.
"I knew you wouldn't hurt me," Fitz said suddenly once she was gone.
"You're an idiot who trusts too easily," Grant berated, allowing some of his bottled rage out at the convenient target. "Do you not get that we're enemies? We're not on the same side. We're not allies."
"Yeah, but we're friends, right?" Fitz replied with so much certainty that it stole Grant's breath.
"I don't have friends, Fitz," Grant said after a moment. "And I'm not the type of friend you'd want anyway." Grant paused remembering the memories the staff reminded him of. "I hurt the people I love."
With that, Grant left Fitz and joined Kara in the cockpit. She said nothing as he put them in the air. He caught a glimpse of Fitz standing alone in the field before he turned the plane around and headed back to base.
Many of you correctly guessed the Berserker Staff, but now you've got the full story. What did everyone think of the Ward/Skye/Fitz/Kara interactions? It's fun to have everything come to a head, I hope I pulled it off well.
Important Note: I won't be watching AoS in the fall. There's some really disgusting messages being sent, inconsistent characterization, lazy writing, and just poor choices by the protagonists that are ignored by the narrative that bothers me.
As a result, my immediate response after the finale was that I'd never touch this story again. The show effectively made my characterization really off (for example, the idea that Bobbi could have sympathy for brainwashed people is now laughable I guess.) It bothered me a lot that my characterization wasn't true.
However, I felt bad because I've been blessed with some extremely great and loyal readers who I don't want to let down. I fully plan to finish the story, but my inspiration is currently at an all time low. Just thought I should keep you guys informed about the state of the story. And also, if you are enjoying this, please do let me know. Thanks everyone for being awesome and reading this long note :)
