I walked over to the window, not knowing or really caring who was out there. Somehow I knew if it was Victoria, I wouldn't die. Not right away, at least. She plans to kill you slowly, Laurent had said. And you know what? She'd probably drag me back to the dance studio in Phoenix where James died, just to make it extra poetic. So it was with a fair amount of confidence that I opened the window, stuck my head through... and saw Jacob standing on the grass below.
"Bella," he said. "Can I come up?"
With a scowl, I turned away. But I didn't slam it shut. I took three steps toward my bed and by the time I turned around, he was in the room. The scowl endured and I crossed my arms. I didn't say a word to him.
"Bella, I'm sorry," Jake began in a hushed voice so as not to alert Charlie to his presence. "I should have told you. I wanted to but -"
"Lemme guess, alpha's orders?" I cut him off. It was the same weak excuse every time.
"No. I just didn't know how you'd react."
I scoffed and took a seat on the bed, arms still tightly wrapped around myself to keep from shaking. With rage, maybe... Or sobbing. I'd felt on the brink of sobbing ever since that moment in the forest. And if I'd done this well not to break down so far, I sure as heck wasn't going to cave now.
"Well, I think I would've reacted a lot better two months ago."
"Really? Because I wouldn't have even considered telling you back then."
I gaped at him. Did he seriously just say that to me?
"If this never got serious, we'd never need to talk about it."
I turned my face away, unable to look at him. Was he even the same Jacob right now? I couldn't believe he was talking like this.
"So... What? I..Wha..This, this was supposed to be a fling?" I spluttered, perhaps a little too loudly. Hopefully, Charlie would assume I was on the phone. "Is that meant to make me feel better?"
"That's what I thought I was to you," he spoke plainly and without malice. "C'mon, Bells. You wouldn't even kiss me till he came back."
A new wave of shame washed over me and I dropped my gaze to my feet. All my anger dissolved for a moment and self-pity replaced it. I was guilty; we both knew it. But I would always be too weak to admit it. It seemed the longer I was with Jake, the worse I felt about the way it started. My eyes stayed fixed on the floor.
"You're more than that now," I confessed in a small voice.
Jacob came over and took a seat next to me.
"I don't blame you for still feeling something for him," he sounded sincere. "I saw how deep he got in your head. I was there."
Another stab of guilt. He was right, of course. He'd been the only friend I had left when I needed them most. And what had I done to thank him?
"Yeah, the bikes. I know."
"No, before that."
I frowned and looked up at him. Before Edward had left, Jacob had been practically non-existent. That whole summer I spent at the Cullens' house, listening to Alice and Edward's stories about life in the 60's, at Woodstock, the fall of the Berlin Wall, what it was like hearing Martin Luther King Jr speak from the crowd. I would get home to Charlie's leftover fish fry and a message from Angela inviting me to hang out with everyone at the diner and I would think, thank god there's more to life than this.
It seemed incredibly pretentious now.
"The first few weeks after he left," Jake brought me back to the present. "We all came over to your house pretty often. Well, more like every day."
I could feel my jaw drop gradually as he continued to tell me that he, Angela, Mike, Eric and Jessica would routinely come over after school to try and get through to me. Tyler borrowed his dad's van (the one he hadn't been allowed to drive for so long after our almost-accident) to take us all to Port Angeles to see the Christmas lights. I didn't even get out of my seat, apparently.
"That Jessica girl read gossip magazines at you," he laughed. "I think she was trying to annoy you into responding."
"I don't remember any of that," I spoke in complete disbelief. How had it never come up?
"I know you don't," he lowered his eyes to the floor. "When you looked at us you looked straight through us. It was freaky."
This was unbelievable. I knew I'd been a "zombie" but for my mind to black out so much? No wonder Jess had been so impatient with me by the time we went to that movie. I felt awful for judging her so harshly. She wasn't the one who'd been a bad friend.
"Anyway, after a while we sort of… I don't wanna say "gave up," it was more…" Jacob racked his brain for the right words. "Maybe what you needed was some space. And we'd already tried everything else."
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, sending it out to my friends as well as him.
Jacob put his hand on top of mine. It was scorching and twice the size of mine and I loved - wholeheartedly and painlessly - how safe it made me feel. We peered into each other's eyes for a long, quiet minute. We were Jake and Bells again. Not enemies.
"So yeah, I get it if you needed a distraction when he came back," he said with a shrug. "It's not like I didn't enjoy it!"
He spoke with an easy laugh that got a smile out of me.
"But I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got the chance to be with you - I mean, for real, be with you - I wouldn't screw it up the way he did. And I sure as hell wouldn't hurt you like that."
You might not have a choice, I thought. And my face must have betrayed my thoughts.
"This imprinting thing. I get it if it's too much. I really do. Some mornings I wake up and for a minute, I don't remember what I am. I think I'm still that regular kid."
And then his voice grew hushed and heavy. "And then I remember and I want to scream... So, yeah. If this is too much for you, believe me, I get it. But I think we've got something now that could be really amazing. I don't think we should throw it away.
"Like, okay. I might wake up one morning and tell you I met someone else but was that impossible before? Your mom left your dad. My mom died. Shit happens, Bells. I'm not gonna live my life in fear of it.
"If you can't accept it, that's okay. Really. I just don't think we should give up what we have over something that might never happen. You start doing that and it's like you're not living at all."
Not living at all. Like sitting at lunch and not eating. Like repeating high school over and over again. Having incredible stories and nothing to plan for. Playing it safe. Existing.
"But doesn't it make you doubt everything?" my heart began to pour for him. "There's this one perfect person out there for you and... apparently, it's not me."
"I don't believe that," Jake countered with renewed confidence. "Bella, we're not even sure what imprinting is. Where it comes from, why it happens. And it's extremely rare. The only living example we have to go on is Sam and believe me, it doesn't scream Happily Ever After."
I frowned again. "I gotta admit, imprinting, I... I don't get it?"
Sam and Emily were such a perfect couple.
"Okay, lemme tell you something," Jacob shifted and climbed onto the bed, laying his head down on the pillow. He motioned for me to join him. "And you can't go blabbing this around. Seriously. You're a terrible a secret-keeper."
I gawked. "Since when!?"
"Since always. Come here," he grabbed me and pulled me down into his arms. We maneuvered back and forth against each other until we got comfy.
"Leah's not the one who makes everything uncomfortable in the pack. It's Sam," Jake admitted with a sigh. "All he can think about when we're supposed to be out patrolling is her. Keeping her safe, how much it hurts to be this close to her again when he spent so much time telling himself he didn't want her anymore. But then we go home and none of it matters because what the imprint did was make Emily the center of his world. He can't function without her.
"And don't get me wrong, they're a great couple but if they were such a great couple, why'd they need magic to steal his free will?" Jacob looked at me like I'd have the answer. "If it was true love, wouldn't he have chosen her on his own?"
I stayed quiet because honestly, what could you say to that?
"That's why I don't want any part of it. It was bad enough getting dragged into this whole wolf gig, I don't need..." his eyes darkened then as he glared up at the ceiling. He seemed to be looking out over a great distance, somewhere I could never follow. His voice was sure and steady when he came back. "If it happened to me, I'd fight it."
I almost laughed and thank goodness I didn't. I don't think he would've appreciated it. But thinking about how good Sam and Emily were together... It might not have been a choice, but it was pretty clear: they were destined for each other and they were happy. "Why bother?"
Jake clearly didn't see it that way. "Because what's wrong with falling in love the normal way, Bella? I don't know about you but I wouldn't want someone who stays just because they literally can't leave. That's not love."
I pondered what he said for a moment. Did I have a choice when it came to Edward? I hated that my mind rushed straight to him at this moment. But I had to know, at some point his hold over me would let up, right? I mean, it seemed I could push him away. Reject him. Was that the same? Was that freedom?
And with Jacob... This was a love I'd chosen for myself. Shouldn't that count for more? And yet somehow, it would always be in the shadow of more powerful things. Wolves and vampires and imprints. Anger coursed through me again. It wasn't fair. It wasn't bearable. My blood began to boil...
"Bella," Jacob brought me out of my trance. "I love you."
My heart skipped and my breath caught in my throat. This was the first time he'd ever said that to me.
"I don't need some supernatural LoJack to find my soulmate. I already found you."
Before I could stumble over my words, if I could even think any words, he tugged on my chin lightly and kissed me. My lips responded instinctively. Feelings I didn't have names for poured out through this one place our bodies touched. We were truly connected through it. And then he pulled back.
"Besides, I might be dead in a couple weeks so if I imprint, it's a non-issue."
I struck his arm gently, as if I could hurt him if I tried.
"Don't freak me out."
Girlishly, I giggled. And he pulled me tighter against him. My hands wound their way around his colossal arms and held on for dear life. I buried my face in his chest.
I thought it. And I meant it. I just wasn't ready to say it out loud yet.
I love you, too.
