CHAPTER FOUR
Is it me or when someone says 'you alright' you feel the need to get all defensive and say something like 'I know you are but what am I?
'My ship went down, in a sea of sound.'
When she woke up, Elsa's mind was at ease. She got up without any problems, maybe today was a good day. Elsa put on the familiar black skirt and put a long sleeved white top on. She shrugged on a black blazer too and pulled some tights on. She walked to the mirror and looked in it. She was fine, she was fine, she was fine. She was great. She was amazing.
But with just another look pain the mirror that 'perfect picture' seemed to crash around her. She wasn't fine, she wasn't fine, she wasn't fine. She was bad. She was hurt. She was sad. Worst of all she was alone, Anna was going to be gone for a week for a school trip. Elsa hated coming home to an empty flat, she hated waking to an empty flat. She had no choice. She was forced into this life, to being her. If she had the chance to switch with anyone else she would, no doubt about it.
'when I woke up alone I had everything.'
She sighed and went into the kitchen and drank some orange juice. She paused and looked down. Orange juice couldn't make you fat right?
Everything does Elsa
If you touch it then it makes you fat
God do you want to wobble harder whilst walking?
Pig
Elsa sighed and poured the rest down the drain, she didn't want to but she had too. She didn't want to wobble while she walked, and be a pig. She slipped her little black flats on and walked out of the flat locking the door behind her. She walked out of the building to work.
'A handful of moments I wish I could change.'
When she arrived at the building everyone was there, she groaned, she wasn't late was she. She looked at the clock on the wall and saw she was five minutes early, she sighed in relief. Elsa tried to ignore as many people as she could and just get down to work but as always people tried to start a conversation with her.
'But it rung like a nightmare that cut like a blade.'
"How are you Elsa?"
"You alright?"
'In a city of fools I was careful and cool.'
She ignored it most of the day but Flynn walked up to her during the final shift hours.
"You ok El, you seem stressed." He asked quietly, wiping the table next to where she was sorting the cutlery out. She sighed,
"I'm ok god, will people stop bothering me." She responded quickly without thinking, she looked at Flynn and saw the surprised and hurt look on his face. She felt guilty, he was trying to be friendly and up she was just being a bitch.
You're always a bitch so it's ok
'Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty.'
"Sorry, I'm just really tired." She said softly, she squeezed his shoulder giving a small smile. Flynn nodded and looked at the clock and gasped.
"Oh my shifts over, I'll call you later tonight El okay?" He said, Elsa nodded and waved him goodbye. Once he left the building she watched as everyone else packed their thighs up and left, some knowing Elsa was in a bad mood and not bothering. It made Elsa feel like crap. She was horrible to people who were genuinely worried.
Elsa sighed and continued working. Once she finished with the cutlery she grabbed a cloths and wiped the tops of the tables until the were all descent. North came into the dining area and smiled.
'but I'm smiling at everything.'
"Elsa I'm going home now, Jacks going to lock up. Go home sweetheart you look nackered!" He chuckled ruffling her hair lightly, Elsa laughing to, a little too forced. She watched as he left too saying a small 'goodbye' each. Elsa out the cloth back on the sink and went into the break room sitting in the bench and breathed in and out deeply. Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out. She went to her locker checked through it. She was collecting her stuff when she was suddenly on the ground clutching her elbow. Sharp stabbing pains shot through her arm, she winced loudly and the person that caused it kneeled down. She hadn't been dumb, the only person that it could have been was Jack as he was the only person left. Jack kneeled in front of her.
"Shit sorry Elsa!" He said quickly leaning forward then backwards, unsure of what to do. She held her hand out to be pulled up and he shook his head, as if recovering and stood up, helping her. She smiled before it faltered into a slight frown. Jack hit his forehead with his palm,
'Therapy you were never a friend to me.'
"Oh crap sorry, you hurt your elbow? Why did I question it of course you hurt your elbow." Jack muttered reaching out to grab her arm, Elsa flinched when he gently took hold of it. He looked at her confused and released it quickly holding his hands up in defence. Elsa couldn't help but giggle lightly, she smiled slightly and held her arm out, letting him take it. He did so, he held her arm carefully and felt her elbow.
"Okay there's a small bump should be fine in a couple of hours." Jack said softly letting her arm fall limply to her side. Elsa nodded and went to get her stuff.
"Someone threw away a whole sandwich, what a waste." He moaned, Elsa but her lip and hoped her didn't know it was hers, "oh well their loss." He shrugged and turned away facing Elsa. She was going to say something but he cut her off.
"What's that?" Jack said pointing to Elsa's wrist. Her heart stopped, did he know. How was it that he knew? What had he seen?
'so you can take back your misery.'
"What's what?" Elsa responded trying to act calm and content. She thought for a second, conceal don't feel, don't feel, don't feel.
"That bruise?" Elsa's eyes widened in surprise, he hadn't seen but this was still bad,
"Oh that?" 'Really? That's all I could think of?' She thought to herself,
Stupid isn't it Elsa
God can't even make good responses
"Do you have like, an abusive family or something?" Jack questioned, his curiosity getting the better of him. He reached to her wrist to look at it more closely but she pulled it away.
"What no." She snapped at him, he raised his eyebrows and smirked widely. How Elsa stopped herself from slapping him she'll never know.
'arrogant boy love yourself so no one has too.'
"Abusive boyfriend?" Jack asked, Elsa had to do a double take. Abusive boyfriend? She felt like laughing.
"No Jack." She replied getting pissed off and annoyed. She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, Jack folded his arms and did the same. She was confused as to if she was being mocked or not. She shook the thought and looked at the feet.
"Then why do you have a bruise?" Jack asked again, softer this time, almost worried but he sounded to cocky, to happy with the situation to Elsa that she didn't hear it. She couldn't control her thoughts. There were whirling around her head like a thousand tornados.
'Their better off without you.'
"Because I trapped it in my car door!" She yelled, she was beyond annoyed and just angry now. The lie seemed to slip through her lips as if practised a million times. She needed to calm down but she just couldn't. She closed her eyes and took in deep breathes before reopening her eyes and unfolding her arms.
"Oh really?" Jack whispered loudly, he cocked his head to the side and smirked wider, if it was even possible which is normally impossible but here is the proof that it is.
"Yes." She stated calmly, her voice authorised and content, she was pleased with herself. She kept quite calm.
'arrogant boy cause a scene like your supposed too.'
"When?" He asked, Elsa was surprised, she didn't expect this question. She expected a 'why' question or just for him to let it go like a lot of people did.
"Monday? I don't know." She shrugged, she was sweating slightly, she hated being under pressure like this. She expected more questions and a long interrogation but to her surprise Jack just shrugged and nodded.
"Okay." He said. Elsa stared at him for a moment but then nodded her head.
"Bye Jack." She waved to him, he waved back and she started to walk backwards to the doors, Jack laughed and smiled to her.
"Good bye El." Jack sang before walking into the back room. She sprinted out of the restaurant fast. She was sure she wore her sleeves firmly down. How could she have been so stupid? Car door? Really. She decided she needed to calm her nerves so she stopped at the store she always passed but never entered.
'Your lucky if the memories remain.'
Elsa walked into the liquor shop and scanned her eyes across the many, many options of alcohol she could have. There were so many ranging from wine to champagne, everything. Elsa decided simply on a bottle of Jack Daniels and a large bottle of Vodka. She walked up to the cashier putting the bottles of the counter top. The cashier gave her a look and raised her eyebrow. Elsa fidgeted under her stare, feeling the judgement and disappointment.
See even someone who doesn't know you hates you.
Everyone hates you Elsa.
Just die Elsa.
Little El what happened to you?
Elsa handed her credit card to the lady behind the cash register and bit her lip harshly and firmly. She began to taste the metallic tint blood seemed to have to it and relaxed, she was fine. She was fine. She was fine. Or at least, that's what she told herself. The lady asked for her pin and she typed it in. Elsa got the liquor in a plastic bag that was doubled with another plastic bag so it wouldn't fall out and so the handles wouldn't break. Grabbing her card, she walked outside fast and carefully. She didn't want to mess up. Many things could go wrong. She could drop the liquor, she could die, she could see someone she loves and makes them hate her, she could see her boss and he thinks she a alcoholic.
'They'll fall asleep without you.'
Elsa did everything she could to run home without hearing the clanging of bottles and running into people. She kept her head down low and avoided eye contact. It worked because she made it too her flat without seeing anyone. Ana was out, she was safe and sound. Elsa out her keys in the lock and twisted them, she opened the door, slamming it behind her. The echo bouncing off the walls. She wasn't ready for the tears, well she was but she didn't expect them so soon. Without notice, they were falling from her eyes faster then she wanted. Ugly gulping noises made their way up her throat and she gagged.
She was barely in the place for ten minutes before she brought the vodka out and drank straight from the bottle. Her mind was collapsing and her heart was faltering. She felt like she was drowning. Searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle seemed the only thing she was good at. The only thing she wanted. She was as fragile as a butterfly and she deadly as a grenade. The burning sensation from the liquor was rolling from her throat to her stomach. It settled uncomfortably in her stomach. She burped and felt like laughing. This was so stupid. She was half way through a bottle of vodka and drunk.
'Im flesh and bone, I'm a rolling stone."
Such a lightweight El
Pathetic aren't you can't even hold your drink well
You get drunk so easy if only you'd die that easy
She couldn't do it, she couldn't ignore the voices any more, she needed to hear them no longer. Each word, each sentence was ripping her apart. She finished the bottle and threw it across the room and into a mirror with anger. The broken shards falling only made her cry harder and get more anxious. She walked over and looked in the mirror at herself. Her face was red and her eyes blood shot. She looked tired. She was just like the mirror, broken and unrepairable sure she could get a new one but that would mean throwing this one away, throwing herself away. She couldn't do that. She wouldn't let that happen. She couldn't.
Elsa kneeled down and tried to pick up the broken pieces but she couldn't. Her eyes were to blurry with her own salty tears. Tears that needed to be gone from her face but hell, Elsa was to drunk. Too over the line. She didn't know what she was doing. She was sad. She was a sad girl leading a happy girls life. A fake life. Her smile had become so forced she felt fake, she had to pinch herself to make sure she could feel. She felt like a doll, a ugly china doll that could walk and talk.
'And the experts say I'm delirious.'
She thought in her head, 'If you're going through hell, keep going.' Her breathing pace quickened she felt like the world was closing in, 'For you may get out before the devil knows your there.'
She ran, ran upstairs discarding all of the glass on the floor, it wasn't worth her time. She went into the bathroom and locked the door. Elsa crumpled into a ball sobbing into her arms, she never felt so worthless. She was weak, anything and everything triggered her. She hated it so much but she could not change it. She could never change it. Her heart ached for someone to hug her, to hold her close and tell her everything will be ok. To caress her marks and tell her she's beautiful but that is bullshit. It would never happen, never. Nobody liked the imperfections on someone's body. You had to be skinny, perfect, flawless and stunning, drop dead pretty. It was awful, the society was different nowadays. Elsa read books in history class and wished she lived in times like the 1970s, when everything was so easy.
'My lungs give out as I face the crowd.'
Maybe it was because she was tired that she pulled her blade out, she was tired. So bloody tired, tired of the same pattern everyday. The constant overwhelming schedule. It was always get up, work, go home, sleep. Boring, yet she had such trouble trying to do it everyday. She found it so difficult to get out of bed, to sleep, to work, to keep happy all day for her co workers and boss.
She dragged the metal blade across her arm, feeling the familiar rush and itch. The one she longed for. The rush made her happy, her little satan in a metal object. She felt the adrenaline rush up in her, maybe it was the drink and the crying but she kept at it. She attacked her skin like no other. She acted like she was itching her skin, slicing her arm's skin up until blood started to seep into her palm and down to her elbow. It was everywhere blood. She couldn't look anywhere without seeing it. But it didn't stop her. She kept cutting, each time she got deeper and deeper. She felt the familiar self loathing overwhelm her.
Stupid
Fat
Ugly
Pathetic
Worthless
Faggot
Cunt
She made mistakes in her life, maybe the biggest was tonight as she looked at her stomach and started to carve into in the simple three letter words that hit like a ton of bricks. She felt sick build in her throat and she leaned over the toilet throwing up, blood smeared onto the seat. It looked like a horror movie. Her blade was laying somewhere amongst the blood pools beginning to build. Her head felt like someone was hitting it with a hammer repeatedly. She held her head and cried softly. She tried to do it quietly so that she wouldn't have to be in anymore pain.
'Give me therapy.'
Black dots started to fill Elsa's vision, her breath hitched in her throat and she fell onto the floor on her side, banging her head in the floor. Then her world blackened out.
'I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything.'
