Chapter Six
Hotel de la Minerve
William pushed the doors open, revealing Julia sitting on the floor. As he neared, she made herself as small as she could, and curled into the corner, face turned away, as though she were afraid he would strike her.
He stood over her, wavering between panic and bewilderment. A moment ago he was going to consummate their renewed marriage and his body was pumping with adrenaline. Now to have Julia physically afraid of him was gut-wrenchingly awful. There were no words for what he felt other than...appalled.
"Julia, when have I ever raised my hand to you?" His voice and body shook.
"Never, William," she acknowledged, looking straight ahead, not making eye contact with him. "But I've never told you what I've been hiding either," she whispered.
"Hiding? What in God's Name is going on?" He approached closer, still confounded. "Julia, speak plainly. What are you talking about?"
"We can't make love ever again," she said, looking up at him. "I can't go through it again, nor would you ever forgive me," she cried.
William was sure he misheard her. "What..? Why?" Julia huddled even further away from him, if that were possible. In one step he was beside her on the floor, reaching for her hands. "Julia, you are not making any sense..." He tried to be gentle. "Why can't we make love? What can't you go through again?"
"I think we conceived before Miss Clark's treatments, William," she blurted out, looking at him for the first time, wanting to see the surprise register on his face. "I've done the math countless times, and it's entirely possible," she explained further, "I was not four months, or sixteen weeks pregnant when we lost her…"
He blinked, uncomprehending. "You mean without the hormones..?" In a flash he found the medical reference in his memory. "Of course...One can hear a heartbeat with a stethoscope at 18 - 20 weeks. That was almost two weeks before the miscarriage." It took only another moment to do the calculations. "So...that makes conception as much as four weeks before you started Miss Clark's experiment?" He was flabbergasted.
"Yes," she nodded. "I don't know it for fact, but it's entirely possible, William. Do you realize what else that means?" she asked.
"That means you can get pregnant...?" For a moment William felt a smile on his face. "Perhaps you have conceived before but miscarried so early that we did not notice? Then Miss Clark's treatment allowed the child to develop?" William's mind worked it out instantly. "Does that also mean you think that post the hormone treatment you can not only conceive but carry a child?" he asked, but then he saw the strain on her face.
"I think it's entirely possible that we can conceive, but that's just it, William. I don't think I can carry a child...certainly not full term. It may not be God who has cursed us because of my abortion, but it is the consequences of my abortion that prevent me from carrying a child to term. Don't you see, if we make love, I possibly could get pregnant again, just to once again lose the child. I'm sorry, William, I can't go through that again...especially not repeatedly," she explained. Julia looked away so as to not see the disappointment or anger she fully expected to see on his face.
When she allowed herself to look at him again, she saw William nod in understanding of the implications. He rose and guided her to one of the lounge chairs. He rubbed his forehead then ran his fingers through his hair, thinking: Other miscarriages…..
"Julia...just how long have you known this?" He considered her recent behaviour in a new light, trying not to feel crushed that she would believe she had to keep such an important piece of information away from him.
"I knew something wasn't adding up about the time we disembarked in Paris. I figured it out in Nice. Of course I want to make love with you, William, I even fantasized about it on the beach, imagining that it could be the both of us out in the water," she laughed sadly.
He could not keep some of the hurt and the anger from his voice. "Why withhold that from me, Julia? All this time I believed the distance between us meant you did not trust me…and it seemed I was correct..." He couldn't choke out another word, his heart suddenly breaking.
"Why did I withhold that from you? How could I have told you, William? Everything is a sin to you! I've even thought about various contraceptive options, but they'll anger your God and we can't have that!" she spat back.
He sat there in stunned silence, not sure of what to say. "What are you talking about? What sin?" He wondered, confused at her line of thinking and how immediately angry she was. William felt as if he were back on board ship with the deck rolling underneath his feet, throwing him off balance. Never make love to her ever again? He took a step back and landed in the chair opposite of his wife. And she assumes that it must be all or nothing...The internal war in his head roared. Only Julia...
"I obtained a barrier device, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you about it...I knew it would make you angry, and I don't want to hide anything from you anymore, William. Apparently, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't," she sighed in resignation.
He barely caught her words, since she whispered them while his head pounded. "Listen to me, Julia...I understand completely about not trying for another child...it is a shock of course that we might be able to conceive after all...but you must know that I would never risk your life for that end, nor push you so far that we might have to endure the pain of another miscarriage. I thought you believed me when I pledged that to you." He stopped to gather his thoughts.
"I want to make love with you William, I was looking forward to it all night; you're my husband and I love you. I want to physically enjoy you, but I couldn't deceive you, not again. When you said there would be nothing between us I realized I couldn't not tell you about the device. Given my past deception as you see it, I was terrified you'd be so angry with me when you eventually found out...and you would have found out, William," she whispered. "Of course, I ended up withholding information from you anyway, and I am sorry, William. It has never been my intent to mislead or deceive you."
William felt his eyelashes collecting tears. She said she loves me! That was all he needed to hear. "You have told me now, which is very important to me and I thank you for that. You assumed I'd be angry but why assume so?"
"Because you were so angry back in Toronto. You were furious that you thought I had helped a young woman to procure an abortion. I know your thoughts on the subject matter William and now I want to deliberately prevent the conception of your child...I was scared that you'd leave me again," she trailed off.
"I was angry, in the largest part, because I felt I had been deceived, and I left because you asked me to do so," William answered, swallowing his lingering anger.
"I asked you to leave if you believed God was punishing you, punishing us, because of my actions, and you left; therefore you agreed," she shot back.
William responded slowly, choosing each word with care, making sure his voice was calm and free from inflection. "I never said that, exactly, but, you are right, I had that irrational thought. I was angry because you did not deny that you believed our child was not really a child because she wasn't born yet. You still have not."
"I did not deny it because I never said that either, you did! I told Rebecca to follow her own conscience. You were projecting and making my views on abortion about our child. William, I view abortion as sometimes necessary way out of an impossible situation. Of course I thought of Mary as our child. I've told you that Mary was different, that she was desired so," she cried, bolting up out of the chair and heading for their bedroom.
William sprang up, catching her in his arms. "Julia, stop this! That is in the past, all in the past." He waited until he could look directly into her eyes. "I am not letting you go this time, and you are not going to sacrifice our collective happiness with misguided or inaccurate information," he spoke fiercely, hoping to get through to her. "For me, love overcomes all obstacles. I love you; you say you love me. Please don't use anger as a wedge to separate us!"
When she hesitated he pulled her closer, praying she'd understand.
"I am Catholic, Julia... you are not. I will deal with my faith and my sins. I have already made my peace with that…. As for needing to prevent another pregnancy, or using contraception, I do not follow the Church blindly any more. Part of that is because of you Julia, and how much you have opened my heart and soul to different ways of thinking. Remember what I told you all those years ago? I cannot believe that love, any love, is wrong. And I love you. Furthermore, I am not personally opposed to contraception, most especially to preserve your life as well as our marriage." She sent him a skeptical glance. What was it going to take? William reached back to their first discussion about trying to have a child using Miss Clark's methods.
"Do you remember when you first told me about Miss Clark's fertility treatments?" He got a small nod from her. "I said that I did not want you to do anything that would put you at risk."
Another nod.
"I told you that, 'no', it was not your wifely duty to present me a child and that I had already accepted to remain childless when I asked you to marry?"
Two nods.
Emboldened, he continued. "I told you that we would go forward only if that is what you wanted, not for me alone. You do control your own body, Julia. You believe that, and so do I. Preventing a pregnancy is up to you as much as wishing to try to get pregnant and have a child was when this all began." She was listening now, her body no longer rigid.
How to let her know I understand about bending to one's conscience? He recalled a pointed, painful conversation with Inspector Giles about how hard it is to remain incorruptible in the face of one's own conscience, and how he acted on his own conscience to violate the law. He searched for a way to convince her.
"Julia..listen to me. As for your views on abortion, we do not need to be the same, we never have been and that does not matter. That is the meaning behind St. Agnes that I wanted you to understand when we went to the Porta Pia. Agnes did not conform, she followed her conscience and by doing so she liberated herself from being controlled by anyone else - she was free."
William saw Julia taking that in, a startled change came over her face. "Julia I just needed to hear that you reacted in the heat of the moment - admittedly just as I did. Please make peace with me." He found her mouth with his and kissed her, waiting past her resistance, until she softened and kissed him back.
Pulling away, she looked at him directly in the eye. "Truly, William? You have no objections to my cervical cap?" she wondered.
"Yes. Truly…" He nearly giggled in relief. "I'll have you know I obtained prophylactics all those years ago in anticipation of a second 'picnic,' so my position on the matter has been the same for at least a decade."
And it was true...to have been able to have Julia Ogden had been his greatest wish, even then, almost no matter what. "And are you ready, then to make love with me, Julia, with safeguards in place?" He asked, then smiled, adding. "I believe you are in your least fertile week anyway, are you not?"
Julia furrowed her brow before laughing, shaking her head. "William, dare I ask how long you have been charting my cycle?"
"The truth is I have been aware for longer than is wise for me to tell you…" he smiled, looking at her through his eyelashes, a technique that always had a positive effect on her.
"Oh, William, it seems that I can't have any secrets from you, can I? Yet you still have quite a few that you withhold from me," she laughed in relief, shaking her head.
"I may be persuaded to tell them...another time, perhaps?" he asked, cocking his head.
"I shall count on it," she giggled, removing her robe and motioning for him to do the same. "Shall we retire, Mr. Murdoch?"
"Yes, let's go back to bed, Mrs. Murdoch," he agreed, leading her back to bed and curling up with her under the covers, closing his eyes in relief, feeling the tension drain from his body.
A while later, as he had finally relaxed enough to drift off to sleep, he felt Julia's arm slip under the sheets, taking him in her hand. Stroking him, it did not take long for him to respond and moan, but he said nothing, content for her to take the lead.
"Haven't you anything to say, William?" she asked with a giggle.
"Unhhh," he moaned again, relishing the feel of her hand around him, delighted that she was seducing him of her own accord. "I would think my wishes on this matter were perfectly clear," he replied as he laid his head back and closed his eyes, giving in to the pleasure of her ministrations.
Giggling, she flung back the covers and mounted him, positioning herself above him. "This, William?" she asked.
"Oh, yes…yes… Please…" he groaned now, struggling to maintain coherent and rational thought. He moved his hands to her hips, gripping them as though he were afraid she may leave him again.
"Then your wish is my command, William," she laughed as she guided him to her and sank down upon him, delighting in his reaction and recognizing the exact moment his brilliant mind stopped thinking in favor of submitting to his basest of desires. He ran his hands up her torso and cupped her breasts, rolling the nipples between his thumb and forefinger before his hands slid back down to her hips to anchor her to him. Angling herself to hit her favorite spot just so, she began to move, delighting in his moans before realizing that they were in concert with her own.
She had begun the encounter fully in control, but at some point, she had become overwhelmed herself, and soon her movements were increasingly erratic as her release overtook her, surprising her with its almost violent strength and without realizing it, she began to cry again. Clutching her hips harder, William thrust upwards until he achieved his own completion, and she felt his release almost as much as hers. But rather than say anything, she only sobbed harder.
William's pulse and breath were racing but he froze as soon as he realized his wife's emotional state. Alarmed, he looked into her eyes, imploring her to look back at him. She shook her head 'no' at the unspoken question as to whether or not he had hurt her, and shifting ever so slightly, he sat himself up, so he could hold her. "Julia?" he asked, concerned but unable to articulate the words.
She shook her head 'no' again, and clung to him harder, shifting herself so she could wrap her legs around his waist, digging her fingernails into his back so that he could not withdraw. Assured that she was well and wanting to maintain their physical connection, he leaned against the headboard and guided her head to his shoulder. He also clenched a handful of her hair in his fist, and tugged at it ever so slightly. She moaned in pleasure at this possessive gesture and in turn she wiggled her bottom to ensure a deeper connection.
Nothing was said as the two just clung to one another, occasionally kissing and quite content to just hold on. After a few minutes had passed, Julia loosened her grip on him and slid off of him, and he wordlessly joined her.
"We're better when we're together, Julia," he softly stated, laying a kiss in her hair.
She agreed, laying her head over his heart, feeling the warmth of his body radiating towards her, melting the last portion of her resistance.
"Yes, we are. In every sense of the word. Take me home, William. It's time to go home."
-END-
Authors' Notes:
Dear Reader--Thank you for coming along on the ride! We hope you like what we did with the interlude between end of Season 11 and the start of Season 12. (And did you catch the continuity error in the episodes about the # weeks Julia was pregnant?) Thank you JH for making the story better with editing suggestions - we took almost all of them. Any problems or errors are on RuthieBelle.
Comments/reviews are hereby solicited, including whether or not you think we actually put this crisis between them to rest. You make a comment and we are more likely to write more! (We already have a few ideas up our sleeve!)
Fallenbelle would like to thank Big Red for holding things down so she could write, and to E for "helping". Thanks also to LoveMondays for her support and encouraging my addiction. ;)
RuthieGreen would like to thank "Dutch" for endless support (and for driving and driving me all over Ontario for a whole week!) and a last ditch beta-read. You are the best! I also thank Big Red for generosity of time and spirit with our MM addiction.
Devotees of Wikipedia will notice evidence of minor plagiarism on my part regarding manners and protocol at turn of the century grand balls and the use of classical art to teach sexual anatomy a hundred or more years ago-rg
For those who like the history aspects of Murdoch Mysteries, the depictions of the ship, buildings, clothing, historical figures, art and locations in Paris, Nice, Monaco, Florence and Rome are as accurate as we could use words to describe (for additional atmosphere - go look them up because the internet is a wonderful thing!) And for those skeptics who think we 'jumped the shark,' Sir Edgerton was indeed the ambassador to Italy at the time and married to Princess Olga, and her sister Princess Alexandra, "Fafka", lived with them until her death, after retiring as a lady-in-waiting to the Grand Duchess.
