This is chapter 11, finally. I apologise for any mistakes I will fix them asap but for now I am so tired and really really need to go to sleep before I collapse :(((( . The song in this chapter is Immortal - Marina and The Diamonds (aka queen, my mom, the ying to my yang).
Enjoy the chapter and if you could leave a review because, as i said in the little A/N last chapter, it helps push the story forward and can grow into something cool, hopefully not so shitty.
Thank you all for your patience, enjoy!
"I wanna be immortal"
Elsa could feel the heat radiating of the duvet around her body. She buried herself down so the light wouldn't scorch her when she came into contact with it. She felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of numb, she felt empty. The feeling wasn't a shock to her but this time something physically made her feel numb. She tried to collect her thoughts and wipe the sleep from her eyes so she could feel slightly more humanised compared to how she seemed to wake up feeling.
She saw blank. Her mind was with the planets, travelling from Mercury all the way to Uranus. Storms took over everything within her, she had no control, her body was weak compared to the overwhelming waves of nothingness. It was the worst feeling, being drowned by nothing.
However, the emotions were cut short when she heard a large bang from somewhere within her flat, it was followed by a girlish scream. Anna. Elsa rushed to her feet in a second and ran out of her bedroom, ignoring the dizziness in her head and her bones yelling at her to stop, and go back to bed. No, her sister was her priority.
"Like a god in the sky"
She grew to a hault as she saw the kitchen, she was shocked to see Jack and her sister Anna laughing over something. They both turned to her, realising they weren't the only people in the room.
"Elsa! Morning!" Anna smiled, she then turned back to the frying pan where she appeared to be making scrambled egg. Jack rolled his eyes and he beamed over at Elsa.
"I was just getting aquainted with your lovely sister," He laughed and took a few steps closer to Elsa who flinched slightly when he got closer. Jack frowned and took a step back – wanting to respect her boundaries, "Sorry, I decided to let you sleep in as you've been looking so tired recently and I wanted to make sure you had a good nights sleep, especially after yesterdays events." He rambled, she held up a hand indicating for him to stop and she tried to remember what happened. It hit her.
The freezer,
Jack coming over,
Cuddling in her bed.
Oh my god, she thought with a heavy heart. What must he think of her now, practically forcing him to lay with her for her own selfish needs. She felt a heavy weight of horror on her heart and looked at Jack, he was frowning slightly, looking a little concerned with her horror-stricken face. Elsa took a shaky breath. He was grossed out by her wasn't he. God what if he felt her fat? What if he saw her scars? She looked down at herself. God she couldn't even change out of yesterday's clothes how pathetic was she?
"Elsa?" Jack questioned softly, grabbing Annas attention as weel ,she turned around and looked at her with concern on her face – matching Jacks. They looked blurry to Elsa – looked disgusted.
"I'm so sorry about that, seriously I didn't mean for any of it to happen it was so stupid." She tried to apologise but Jack's laugh caught her off guard.
"I wanna be a silk flower, like I'm never die."
"You're so silly Elsa, it was fine. To be honest it was kind of adorable. I mean you relied on me for your warmth." He laughed, putting an emphasis on the words 'you' and 'me'. He walked up to her and squeezed her shoulder with a smile. It was wiped off his face immediately though. Elsa's eyes widen, had he noticed something? Did he suddenly regret it?
"Look, Els I've gotta go. Tell my uncle I'm not dead and all ya'kno'? I'll see you at work though? And we are still on for our date tonight right?" He rushed, and gave her a quick hug. He surprised Elsa by giving her a quick kiss on her cheek and not missing the opportunity to smirk slightly at the blush. He left the kitchen and started to put his shoes on.
"Of course, take care Jack." Elsa managed to speak, recovering slightly from the shock she was experiencing. Of course she was still smiling.
"Bye." He called back before a slam echoed through the flat. For a few seconds there was only the noise from the cooker and frying pan being made before Anna spoke.
"I love him." She whined playfully and looked at Elsa with a serious face. Elsa payed no attention as she went back to her bedroom, hand to her cheek. She felt her stomach twist and her heart beat fiercely in her chest. She hadn't stopped smiling, nor did she want to.
"I wanna live forever, forever in your heart."
All worries she felt seemed to be silenced and she silently prayed that they would stay gone as she has never felt so free from herself. She laughed manically at herself. Getting this flustered over an action that most would call friendly. Maybe it was the date getting to her head. Maybe they were just going as friends, but friends don't call them 'dates' do they? She shook her head and decided to take a shower before she went to work. She got some clothes to change into and took her phone in with her so she could listen to music and not have to be alone with her thoughts as she knew that would defiantly ruin the good mood Jack had placed her in.
Elsa stripped and got into the shower, feeling the hot pelts of water touch her back made her moan slightly. She remembered the cold feeling her and Astrid had to endure, suddenly feeling amazingly gratefully for the warmth she was now enduring.
"We'll always be together, from the end to the start."
It was when Elsa was washing her body with the familiar vanilla scented soap that she stared thinking, ignoring the 'Don't threaten me with a good time' playing softly in the background. She thought back to when everything started. She knew when her eating problem started, but when the self-injury happen she had no clue. It was lost in the blurry maze of memories she was desperately trying to remember yet forget at the same time. It was messy, in her brain.
Her eating problem started with the most stupid thing. It simply started when Elsa had fallen ill. She never really defined what was wrong but knew she couldn't keep anything down, had a massive headache and felt faint. She was ill for a total of 2 weeks and, when finally better, she looked gaunt and pale. She decided to step on her scale and see the damage. She had lost 7 pounds. Elsa felt shocked, she felt clean, and she felt this sick sensation of feeling finally perfect. She wanted to keep this up.
"That what we do it for, to reserve a space. In history it's just part of the human race."
However Elsa didn't want to just jump straight into anything so she tried to go vegetarian and ran twice a week. That lasted for a few weeks but ended when Elsa ate his weight in meat at the families weekly Sunday dinner. She managed to scoff down four plates of it. She doesn't remember much from that day, the only thing really being her crying in the bathroom with her hands on her bloated stomach.
After that she didn't make an effort, the depression of feeling like everything was meaningless and pathetic finally seeping in.
Two years ago was when it really kicked in but the thing is she didn't even notice until it was too late. She left it to late. It was too late now, she didn't even think about help, she didn't think she deserved it. Her sister thought differently. Yesterday she slipped a group therapy flyer under her door and kept referencing it. Elsa knows Anna wants what's best for her but she can't help but think about all the other people that need the therapy more then she does. It would be selfish to take that away from them.
"I'm forever chasing after time, but everybody dies,"
Elsa got out the shower and patted her small body down with the towel. She hands hesitated over her stomach, there was still, after all these years, a bulge on the bottom on her stomach. She knew it was natural, it was where your organs are pressing against the skin. You needed the pouch but with any given chance she would most defiantly rip it off. She wrapped her hair into her towel, tucking it into the back and continued to putting on her skirt and work shirt. She was forever grateful that they let her have the male version of the restaurants uniform, males had long sleeves. Elsa walked back to her room and dried her hair before tying it into a French braid and walking to the front door. She knew she was early but this mean she could take a deep breath of air and relax a little more. She slipped her shoes on and called over to Anna,
"Anna! I'm going to work I'll see you when I get back, if not text me."
She slammed the door closed right as Anna shouted back, "Elsa wait, you haven't had brea-"
Elsa didn't catch the rest of the sentance, she didn't want to either.
"If I could buy forever at a price,"
Elsa rushed out of the apartment complex and didn't think twice before running down the streets straight to the park by the restaurant . Her mind was blank as she ran down the streets. He didn't know how long she had been running for, a minute? Four? Five? But he let out a heavy breath of air and laughed. She laughed so hard she had to stop running and close her eyes so the dirty looks from strangers didn't effect her sudden high mood. She laughed until her eyes watered. Her heavy cackles of insanity could be heard for miles around, she didn't care. She felt so free and alive. She for once felt a huge weight being lifted of her chest, he didn't feel like an adult anymore, she was felt like a child. She'd been wishing to be small again in her head for years but now she felt the youthfulness of a child. She started running again and found the park, sitting on the swings she smiled.
Elsa forgot about her colleges (and Jack) she found the dull ache in her chest start to start up slightly. She didn't mind, it just made her think that she definitely liked him a lot. But she would accept it if he didn't feel that same way because sometimes love doesn't woke out the way you want to. You can go for days and years loving someone to magically wake up the next day, in their arms and feel nothing towards them. Love was a complicated thing that ripped life's into pieces and Elsa was glad she didn't have it, just strong feelings of affection towards the light haired male. Elsa was always afraid of love but she would never admit it out loud.
Love doesn't always work out but that's okay. In fact it's more the. Okay because it mean more opportunities. More challenges in life and more adventure. Love means being tied down to one thing but why have one thing when you can have millions of things? Love was finding a book in a bookshop, finding it amazing and just reading that one book over and over again. Elsa found herself fearing that, she wanted the thrill of a new person, she was in love with the rush but not the person. That was fine though. Elsa found a high in self loathing and depression. It was a sick thing but fuck was it amazing.
"I would buy it twice,"
She looked back over the park and saw a small child playing with their mother. Children. children, they are so full of the hope adults envy. The hopeful skin of the children would be in the adults minds so much they would think about cutting the child and draining their youth. Oh how envy works in mysterious ways, it could make the smartest of men crawl crying to their mothers feet. Mothers know best, at least that's what they say. This mother she was watching obviously did, her child fell over and started crying. Immediately the mother rushed to her loves side and cooed, fussing over a slightly scraped knee.
It must be so hard as a mother to see your child hurt, Elsa thought as she decided to go to the restaurant. The outside air and recovery from sprinting there making her dizzy. She needed a drink and a sit down.
"But if the Earth ends in fire, and the seas are frozen in time,"
She walked into the restaurant, immediately greeted by Rupunzel, who started babbling about Flynn. Elsa couldnt concentrate properly, the only thin truly on her mind was finding a drink to cure the dizziness and migraine starting to form.
"And he completely disregarded my feelings towards the movie. He knows I hate movies where there's a dog death and he saw the movie before so he knew it was gonna happen. Lousy piece of ass, still love him though. But he is most definitely a lousy ass- hey are you listening?" Rupunzel interrogated, Elsa gritted her teeth to stop from yelling at her, instead ignore her. She stumbled towards the kitchen where Jack was sitting on the counter,
"Hey Els, sorry about rushing out this morning it was just- wait Els are you okay?"
Elsa felt like gravity was weighing her down, she could only think of water and water only. She knew it was the lack of food but fuck she didn't need this right now. Not now. Black dots pushed their way into her eyesight and her head clouded over. She heard someone speaking and felt an arm on her shoulder before everything stopped and she sunk into a black abyss.
"There'll be just one survivor,"
She woke to mutters, something cold on her forehead and to a pain in her stomach. Her eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to adjust to the light. She saw four figures that, after squinting, made out to be Jack, Rupunzel, Astrid and Flynn.
"els, are you okay?" Flynn questioned softly, placing a hand on her knee, she sat up slowly and nodded, dispite the pain she felt okay.
"I'm fine, can someone just get me some water?" She asked, immediately Astrid scurried off to grand Elsa's wish. Jack watched her from the corner, unsettling her slightly.
"Can I talk to Elsa alone for a second?"
"Sure," Rupunzel said cheerily, squeezing Elsa's hand as a farewell and left the room.
"hope you're okay Cass." Flynn said with a sincere smile playing on his lips. Elsa nodded
"thanks guys, I'll see you all in a second." She tried to smile but it came across as more of a grimace, at least it was an attempt
"Elsa." Jack said in a serious tone. He walked towards her and perched on the edge of the couch, shaking his head slightly.
"Jack." Elsa tried to not let her voice shake but it was no use, her voice gave away all her anxiety over Jacks sudden harsh act.
"Fuck El promise me you'll tell me the truth." He sighed and turned her so they sat face to face. Elsa looked at him and felt her chest tighten at the sad, vunerable look on his face. She felt her throat close at the feeling of guilt, had she caused this? Was it her fault?
"I promise, Jack I'm confused what's wrong?" She sighed, trying to lighten the mood by saluting at her 'I promise'. Jack just looked at her with a fearful expression.
"But nothing lasts forever,"
"when was the last time you ate?" He rushed out. Elsa felt her stomach drop and the world seeming to slow around her. He knew he knew he knew. It was over. He was going to think she was a freak, disgusting, vile, the list goes on and on. She felt bile rise in her throat and her hand shook violently as she pushed her some loose strands of her hair away from her face.
"why?" She tried to play off but Jack wasn't letting her dodge or dance around the subject. She promised him, she couldn't break her promise.
"just answer me Elsa!" He yelled, Elsa flinched and moved an inch backwards out of habit and fear. Jack saw and his expression soften, he didn't mean to snap. It was fear taking control of him.
"well, um two days ago." She admitted in such a quiet, soft voice. She looked down at her hands and tapped her fingers against each other. She couldn't meet his eye as guilt flooded her veins
"and what was it that you ate?" Jack tried to say but he felt like each other was clogging his throat.
"a carrot and slice of cucumber." She admitted again, this time a tear falling into her cheek. It was so pathetic admitting this, she felt so small, so weak.
"oh El. why?" Jack asked, leaning forward to rest a hand tentatively on her knee. She sniffed,
"why what?" She said stubbornly. She felt like a child again, but this time one that didn't get their way and we're making a tantrum.
"This world is a losing game."
"why are you starving yourself?" He blurted out, his filter off. He wanted answers and she found herself giving them.
"because-" She started but was cut off
"because what?" Jack pressed before she could finish her sentence making Elsa roll her eyes.
"because I'm sick of being disgusting, ugly and fat Jack!" She exclaimed, jumping to her feet from the sudden sorrow and adrenaline she felt pumping around her body. She immediately regretted it and sat back down. Jacks face looked so...conflicted yet damaged. It hurt her heart to look at but before they could do anything Astrid walked in with the water,
"here's your water Elsa, drink it slowly okay?" She said, Elsa took it gratefully and took a large gulp.
"thanks Astrid, you're amazing." She praised before chugging the whole glass down her throat, searching for the refreshing feeling she would feel afterwards. It was her favourite part
"you okay?" Astrid asked, making small talk. Elsa nodded,
"yes thanks." She assured, ignoring Jacks childish scoff of disbelievment
"okay I'll just be cleaning the mess, call if you need anything." Astrid smiled and hurried out of the room, eager to get away from the tension in the room. As soon as she left Jack spoke,
"El, you aren't disgusting or ugly or fat. you're beautiful and kind and tiny." He took her hand and rubbed small circles into the back of it, making her feel more at ease.
"that's the thing, I wasn't, I'm supposedly am now, but I don't believe you." She said truthfully, Jack laughed from the shock.
"just please El, believe that I think you're beautiful at least." Jack whispered, his eyes watering at the realisation of what Elsa was feeling on a daily bases, what hurt her, hurt him too.
"I wanna mean something to somebody else,"
"I want to, just give me time too. Please." Elsa pleaded, looking dead into his eyes and was amazing at the multiple different shades of light blue that scattered his iris'.
"I will, as long as you need. fuck I'll tell you everyday if I need too." Jack said, cutting off her admiration of his eyes.
"You're cute Jack." She admitted with a blush and ruffled his hair on his head. Jack squeaked and put a dramatic hand in his hip,
"I try not to brag." He laughed, feeling a warmth in his heart as he looked at her happy face.
"Hmm narcissist." She sang out, Jack let out a loud belly-like-laugh before composing himself.
"Oh shh." He chuckled before the room feel silent. Jack sighed, "There's so much I don't know about you." He admitted. He hated it with such a passion, he wanted to know her so badly.
"Think of yourself as lucky then." She admitted, looking at the floor with how much emotion and sadness in the seismic levels.
"I want to know you." He argued back, determination set in his eyes and a small pout of his lips. Elsa smiled,
"Mistake on your part," it fell silent again and Elsa took the opportunity to state that she would maybe, she gave in to the pouted lips, how weak? "It's really funny actually, when you've been to hell and back. When you are depressed and sad. Because you notice things around you that no one else would really notice. Like the person who plays with their food a little to forceful. Or the person that stares at the busy street with too much determination. Or the person that rubs her wrists a lot. Small little gestures that no one else would normally see but you do. Only because you can see yourself in their actions. That child who moves back slightly when an adult raises their voice even slightly. The teen who uses the "mom said no" excuse one to many times. You see the people who smile to wide or wear no sleeve shorter than their wrist. It's just amazing. And there's only one bad thing about it. You never know how to approach them. You know they don't want to hear "I'm sorry" or "just snap out of it" you have to be slow a cautious because people with mental illnesses are like deers. Fragile, one sudden, possibly threatening move will scare them away and rarely do you find them again. Don't rush me Jack, I will say things in my own time." Elsa spoke out carefully, another tear hitting her cheek. This was it, not or never. If it was gross she's cry, her daily calorie intake would have a massive spike.
"No I don't wanna be afraid, afraid to die,"
"Who sent you to hell?" Jack asked in a quiet voice, he looked at her, searching her face for a reply but her face was cold, not giving anything away.
"Another answer for another day by sweet boy." She joked, trying (once again) to lighten to mood but (once again) it didn't work.
"Oh you tease!" He exclaimed, holding a hand over his head with a gasp. Elsa giggled,
"We should probably get back to work." She said, she was about to stand when Jack held his arm out, holding he still.
"Ohh no, North has allowed you the day off and I promised to take you home. You need rest." Jack mothered, tutting slightly as he muttered his future plans with you over and over.
"I just wanna be able to say that I lived my life,"
"But-"
"No buts. And I'm sorry but we should postpone the day until you are rested, fed and strong enough to actually work." He said firmly, closing his eyes and raising a finger to make a point, she laughed, falsely.
"Seems fair." She played off, trying to seem cool but she ignored the gutted feeling in the back of her mind.
Jack and Elsa stood up and grabbed their bags before walking to the front door, saying a quick farewell to their co workers and boss. She felt guilty was was leaving them but she did know there was no changing Jacks mind now that it was set in stone. She Smiled when Jack grabbed her hand.
"Everybody dies."
They left the restaurant. The midday sun beaming down on their bodies and the warm breeze sweeping around their hair and heads, it would have been a perfect setting if the previous events never happened. As they walked in a peaceful silence Elsa could only concentrate on their entwined hands and how she never wanted to hold anyone else's hand ever again.
"So keep me alive."
