There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin. Well, there's Pettigrew. But he has spent like half his life as rat. Half persons don't count either. Although I suppose there's Grindelwald too. Let's change that too: There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin or Durmstrang. Let's include school drop-outs in there too, just to be safe. Oh and muggles. Muggles are people too.

So anyways, the point is that if Harry Potter was going to make something of himself, he needed to be sorted into Slytherin. With the heir of Slytherin's soul lodged into him, he was already pretty much a shoe in. Guaranteed, there's always the possibility that the Potters are the heirs of Gryffindor or something flashy like that. But I went through most of the Gringotts records pretty thoroughly. Which due to uncooperative Goblins, was actually much more difficult than you'd think. What'd they think I was going to do? Put a block on Harry's magic through his bank account? Only a muggle would think that was possible. But anyways, there shouldn't be any Gryffindor lord rings lying around. Just the Peverell invisibility cloak. But I figure hiding from Death is more of a Slytherin quality anyways.

As it was so critical though, I wanted to ensure Harry's placement in Slytherin. The sorting hat has been known to take students' choices into consideration after all. Personally, I think this is a bit of a cop-out for the sorting hat doing the single one-hour task we require of it annually, but Minerva kicked up such a fuss when I merely suggested using a troll instead for the sorting. I don't understand why. It was the Weasley twins' idea, and anything Weasley should pass the Gryffindor approval stamp with flaming colors.

So where was I? Oh, yes, making sure Harry chooses Slytherin when the time comes. Well, first impressions are critical. So I made sure Harry's first impression of Gryffindor was the worst Gryffindor has to offer. The expelled oaf who, despite his umbrella, is two-hundred pounds too large to pull off the Mary Poppins appeal. The day he tried to fly with it was not a pretty picture. Did you know half-giants are durable enough to survive the fall from the astronomy tower? Although I suppose if your father was durable enough to survive sex with a giant, those genes will get you pretty much anything.

In correspondence, I also needed Harry's first view of Slytherin to be the best it had to offer. Which is why I was now found myself at the doorstep of Malfoy Manor.

"Dobby is honored to meet the Great Albus Dumbledore. But it is not safe for the great wizard to be here. Dobby's masters are bad wizards. Bad Dobby!"

Oh yes, the abused house elf. If I ever venture into the elf business, he would make a great Dark Lord. Hmmm, maybe someday.

"Get out of the way you retched elf!" Long waves of luscious blonde hair sweep across the aristocratic face of Lucius Malfoy. I've always liked them blonde. Note to self, visit Nurmenguard

"Dumbledore." And it looks as if it causes him great restraint to say my actual name rather than one of his kinky little nicknames. Dumblewhore has always been my favorite. "To what do I have the pleasure," he sneers. Mmm, and how his lip curling always makes my toes curls. Well, since I'm obliviating him anyways, I suppose it doesn't hurt to indulge. My lips smash into his. Until I realize that the tension building in my belly is actually due to an intestine-twisting curse.

"Ah, Narcissa, didn't see you there. How have you been?" I smile kindly at her. Making sure to really appear that I care about the answer. She's too distracted by the follow-up dark curse she's in the midst of incanting to appreciate the effort. A millisecond later, a huge burst of orange light smashes out of her wand. I flick it away. I know, a bit dismissive of me. But she didn't appreciate my efforts, why should I appreciate hers?

"Wh-What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?"

Oh look, Lucius found his voice. Quicker than usual. Maybe subconsciously behind the walls of obliviate, I'm starting to grow on him.

"You senile old goat!" he shrieks.

I glance behind me quickly. "No, my brother's not here," I reassure him.

"Oh Merlin! Do coots have cooties? Narcissa, check me for cooties! Quickly!"

Narcissa takes a step back. Scared of cooties. The Malfoy cowardliness at its finest. Lucius's shrieks were starting to get old though, and I did have other business to attend to.

"Until next time," my eyes twinkle mischievously at Lucius. And then I send an obliviate coupled with a compulsion charm to the pair of them. With the compulsion charm set in place, the first peer Harry will meet will be Draco Malfoy. An outstanding first impression of Slytherin. I guarantee it.