Can't fight this feeling
After Patrick had left, Shelagh remained in the equipment room for a long while, unable to move, unable to process what had just happened. She had been conflicted about her feelings for Dr Turner for quite some time now, but she was unable to understand what had happened just now and why he might have acted as he did.
They were colleagues, and they respected each other. She was not permitted to have any romantic involvement whatsoever with him as per workplace policy. And she did not want to, did she? She was seriously considering joining the order, how could she even think about having relations with him, or any man at all?
She liked Dr Turner, perhaps more than one might like someone who was just a colleague. Could she call him a friend, perhaps? She was very fond of his endearing son, yes. But why did she not feel relieved that he had gone? Would she have preferred him to stay? What if she had not turned away from him? What might have happened then between them, she wondered.
Suddenly, she felt nauseous and a headache began to spread between her temples. She slowly went outside, making her way towards her room at the Nurses' Quarter. On her way, she bumped into Tom.
"Shelagh, there you are," the young man exclaimed. When he noticed her troubled expression he asked worriedly: "What is the matter, are you not feeling well?"
Shelagh smiled a forced smile and raised her injured hand a little. "Don't worry, Tom, I just fell and cut my hand, but nothing a bandage couldn't cure." Tom extended his hand to take hers into his but Shelagh pulled her hand back almost violently. "Thank you, Tom, but I will be fine."
She left him standing and quickly walked to her room. Inside, it was cool and dim because she had left the curtains closed this morning. Shelagh fell down on her bed. She still felt nauseous and her head was spinning. Through the open windows she could faintly hear the sounds of the fete.
Only after over half an hour of laying still and simply focusing on the sounds from outside she began to calm down. She suddenly noticed the cut in her palm throbbing and remembered she had not yet covered it. When she got up from her bed, she noticed a blood stain on her blouse where her hand had rested. She sighed and went to retrieve a bandage from the top drawer of her chest of drawers before. Then she covered her cut before changing into a clean blouse.
When she drew back a curtain she noticed that dusk was progressing rapidly. It must be around already. Shelagh usually liked this time of the day, it was normally the time when everyone began to rest after a full day's work. And it meant the beginning of the quiet evenings with soft breezes and all the smells of Moshi nights she loved so much.
Today, she dreaded the evening and she suddenly felt the need to be in company rather than being left alone with her thoughts. So she quickly checked her face in the mirror, brushed over her tousled hair a few times and went outside again.
In the hallway she ran into Trixie.
"Oh there you are," Trixie exclaimed. "I came to check on you. Tom said you hurt yourself. What happened?"
"Oh nothing, really," Shelagh soothed her. "I just fell and scratched my hand." She lifted her left hand. "I put a bandage on it and took a short break inside."
"Wonderful. So come on outside then, I haven't seen you all day, let's eat dinner together, shall we?" Shelagh nodded and the two women went towards the barbecue.
Two hours later, all guests had left and the Nonnatuns were almost done with cleaning and tidying up from the fete. Most dishes and some other minor tasks would be done by daylight the next day, but the compound almost looked as it did on a regular day, clear of the many plastic chairs and tables, banners and festoons.
Shelagh walked out of the main house and pouted her lips. While she had carried some chairs her wound had split open again and she felt her palm throbbing. She felt tired and decided she should go to bed, perhaps reading a bit before falling asleep. When she had almost arrived at the entrance of the Nurses' Quarters, she stopped at a bench on the lawn nearby.
She liked to sit here during the evenings, just outside of the lights thrown into the night from her house. She enjoyed the solitude and loved listening to the sounds of the night. No matter how hard her day had been, whenever she sat on this bench, she felt like she was in exactly the right place.
When she sat down on the bench, she was longing for this feeling of peace to come, but instead, Dr Turner's face, worried about her injury, but also tender with affection, appeared in front of her inner eye. Why had he followed her? And why could she not just forget about him? Shelagh felt tears well up inside her but then heard footsteps approaching and swallowed hard to suppress them.
She initially assumed it was one of the nurses and was surprised to recognize Tom's silhouette. When he came nearer, she called out his name.
"Shelagh?" he replied and discovered her in the half-light. He walked over to her and nodded towards the bench: "May I?" he asked.
Shelagh smiled encouragingly and Tom sat down next to her. "I came to see you," he explained. "I am sorry, if it is not decent; I should have left a while ago, probably, but I got into a theological dispute with Sister Julienne. We even missed out on dinner."
"A theological dispute? Oh, I am sorry," Shelagh said. "I hope you resolved it. Are you hungry? I am sure we could find you some bread and eggs inside," she offered but Tom declined.
"Thank you. Sister Julienne already provided me with some dinner. I think she felt sorry for having kept me," he chuckled. "But I enjoyed it, to be honest. She is a fantastic opponent."
"What was your dispute about?" she asked.
"Oh, it was about the use of contraception and the role of traditional vs. modern means of contraception."
"Oh dear," Shelagh sighed, knowing Sister Juliennes firm stand regarding this matter. Even though Sister Julienne permitted their programmes teaching about birth control, she was personally against it. It was only the reality of high teenage pregnancy rates and the HIV epidemic that had her grit her teeth and allow her staff to hold contrary opinions.
"I wanted to check whether you are all right? I was worried when I saw you this afternoon. You looked terribly upset."
Shelagh smiled at him. "Thank you, Tom. It was probably the running around all day without making sure I had sufficient liquid intake," she tried to calm him. "But my hand is fine. I am fine," she reassured him.
Tom looked at her with an expression she cold not quite interpret. "If you say so, I am relieved. I was worried, to be honest." Shelagh smiled and they sat together in silence for a while.
Tom moved a little closer but left a small space between them. "You are a wonderful person," he said suddenly, intently watching his shoes. Shelagh stiffened. What was he saying now?
"Tom, - " Shelagh began but he interrupted her.
"No, Shelagh, let me say this. You have been so generous and helpful and very much eased my start here. I know there are policies in place … and I won't say anything more. But I wanted you to know that I consider you one of the most wonderful people I have met in a long time."
Tom got up, smiled at her and after a short moment turned around and slowly walked back into the direction of the main house.
Shelagh felt her head spin again. What had he just said? Did he mean he wanted them to be more than what they were now? But she was different. Not like Trixie who had her occasional crush or her former colleague Chummy Noakes who had gotten married and certainly would start a family soon. No, she lived for her work and used to joke she was married to it. But why would two men approach her the same day, indicating they considered her not just a colleague anymore?
She thought of Tom affectionately. He was so soft-spoken and gentle. He would probably never act as Dr Turner had done today. He would not shock her to her core, forcing her to face feelings she was not certain she was ready to have.
Shelagh suddenly felt the chill of the night creep up her legs. She got up from her bench and decided to prepare herself a cup of tea before retreating for the night.
