"She hated that she was still so desperate for a glimpse of him, but it had been this way for years."

Julia Quinn

I returned back to the arena, lugging my bags of equipment after me. Raphael greeted me, punching me roughly on the shoulder. I grinned at the gesture and trudged into the locker room, filled with the profanity of other players. They howled at the sight of me and I joined in on their conversations. Talks about the next game. The playoffs. Injury reports.

We practiced that morning in Edmonton. The game was that night. I liked playing at home where the fans hollered and kept the adrenaline up. I shot the puck a few times after the team left to change and shower. I shot into the net until my hands ached and my legs stung. Until I couldn't feel anything at all.

The game finally came and my emotions grew stronger. In this place, I was the king. I could control my emotions. Nothing could shatter me here. I gave Sebastian, our goalie, a tap on the pads. "We got this." He told me, a short smirk spreading on his face. I nodded, saying silently in my head, I know. I skated to the center of the ice where the puck would be dropped.

"You boys ready?" The ref asked, his voice gruff. The opponent captain nodded. I didn't say anything. Instead, we played.

They were tough, a team known for its physicality. We were up by one thanks to Luke's goal, an older veteran on the team. I jumped off the bench to start my shift, darting towards the left side of the opponent's net. I won the face-off. Passed the puck swiftly to Raph who skated forward, dodging the sticks of defensemen. I remained near the net, blocking the view of the goaltender so that Johnson, my linemate, could shoot.

Before I could even move an inch, something crashed against my back. I fell forward landing squarely on the ice. I couldn't move. It felt like hell. Did someone hit me? My eye sight was blurry. My breathing ragged. I tried to say something but couldn't. I heard the silent crowd. Players surrounded me. The ref shouted, his tone now shrill. "Medics! Get the medics!"

Raphael was there, above me, his face contorted in worry. My mouth felt numb. The staff lifted me onto a stretcher and the Rogers Center arena roared at the sight of me being helped out. Through the locker room tunnel, I fell unconscious.

xx

I ran forward, my purse banging against my knees, Simon following suit. The hospital room was surrounded by doctors and nurses most of which were being heckled with questions from teammates after the game. Edmonton had won but not at the cost of an injury to their captain.

I was crying before I knew it. They wouldn't let me in. A surgery was taking place. Simon held my shoulders as I shook. I listened to the beeping of machines, my legs weak. I heard the sound of smacking footsteps and turned to see Clary and Jordon making their way towards us.

"What happened?" Clary asked, her tears were evident too. I wondered, at that moment, if some part of her still loved Jace. Jordon was holding her hand. He tugged off his cap, boots tapping nervously on the solid tiles of the hospital's hall.

I struggled to speak. "I-I don't know. I didn't watch the game. I was-I was out with Simon. Then Raphael...He called. Told me that a player had slashed Jace. On the back. He-He just fell."

Simon kissed my forehead, his brown eyes were tinged red. "Surgery now. He'll be out for the season. That's all they'll tell us." I buried my head into his chest where warmth enveloped me and it felt like nothing was wrong.

Clary walked off with Jordon, closer to Jace's room. She stood near the door, her green eyes unnaturally wide. She didn't move. Jordon bent lower to stare at her. He whispered something to her and she shook her head. He stayed, his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek. She shut her eyes against him as if the crying had drained her.

An hour had passed. Then two. Simon left to bring some food for the rest of us. Jace's coach was there. He was dabbing a wrinkled napkin on his eyes. An older man, short and stubby, who never showed much emotion outside a game. When I caught his gray eyes, I gave a tiny nod. He moved to sit near us.

It was a long process of waiting. Of patience I didn't quite have. It was nine p.m., five hours after the game. A nurse hurried to us. Simon woke me up. I stood. Clary was hugging Jordon, saying something that sounded like, "I know. I love you."

The nurse was tall with blonde hair and brown eyes that didn't look away from mine. "I-What happened?" I choked on the words.

She pursed her lips. "The surgery was a success." Simon released a breath he was holding. "But the stick struck his spine. He's paralyzed from the-" I fell to the ground just as Clary screamed. Paralyzed. I sobbed and sobbed till my throat hurt and I could no longer breathe. My brother was gone.

The coach looked lost, his beady eyes searching for something that wasn't really there. "I'm sorry. He won't be returning to his normal activities but there is a chance, a low chance, that he can regain control in the coming years." Years. My heart felt like splitting. "Please Mrs. Lightwood. Keep in mind that when he wakes, he will be disoriented and the news will be difficult, almost impossible to give. Don't show sadness. A patient needs positive energy to move forward. You can enter the-"

We ran into the small room and my hands trembled. Jordon stayed outside. Maybe he felt like he didn't belong. He wasn't a part of the circle Jace had.

He looked asleep. Handsome and young. Still twenty two years of age. His long strands of hair still not contained. I slowly walked forward as if the ground might swallow everyone in seconds. When I reached him, I placed my head against his chest just to listen to his beating heart. When I did, I cried in relief. He was there somewhere. Clary was behind us, staring at him. Like we were not there. My eyelids drooped. Simon held me up. "Come on. I'll drive home." I shook my head violently.

"I can't. He-He needs me." Simon's expression was fierce.

"The nurse said one person'll stay. Clary already volunteered. It's alright. We'll come straight in the morning. Okay?" Exhaustion let me give in silently and he pulled me along with him, my mind still on my little brother.

xx

I brought myself closer to him. Scooted my chair a bit. Stared at his face. His golden halo of hair. Dark eyebrows. Angular jaw. Tears slipped passed my cheeks and I wiped them quickly. "God. I'm such a crybaby." The beeps of the machines next to me grew louder and I just wanted it all to stop.

I laid my hand on his forehead. Drew my fingers through his tawny hair. He was breathing. Alive but beaten. "Jace? Remember when we broke up?" I sniffled. "I thought- I thought the world had ended. Even when I went to London, I cried for days. Weeks. I couldn't get you out of my head. I wondered if you ever thought of me. After all-never mind. There's no point. I love Jordon. You want to know why?" I coughed, wiping my wet face furiously. "Because he's here. He stays with me. You used to leave me alone all the time. I used to get so lonely..."

I stopped. This wasn't therapy. What was I even doing? I tucked the blankets closer to him. Then brought my head against his arm and slept for all it was worth.

xx

"Excuse me, Mrs..." I stirred awake and glanced around. I wiped at my eyes. They hurt and still stung.

A male nurse was speaking to me, his voice awfully gentle to hear. "He's waking, I believe. I've already called in Mrs. Lightwood. She'll be here soon. The doctors examined him while you were sleeping. Everything's okay. You might have to explain things to him."

I nodded, turning away from him to stare at Jace. I could see movement in his eyelids. "Thank you." I whispered to the staff member. I listened to his steps leave and rose to get a better look at him.

"Jace? Jace. Wake up."

His fingers twitched. I let out a strangled sob. A low sound came from his lips. I held onto him for dear life. Then his eyes opened. A dull gold. "Jace! Jace!" I cried out, my voice cracking.

He scanned his surroundings, looking confused. "C-Clary?"

"It's me." I managed to whisper.

Then the door slammed open and Isabelle and Simon rushed in, bringing me back to the situation. I moved aside as Isabelle hugged Jace and Simon spoke words of extreme relief. I stepped backwards. Looked away from Jace. Stepped into Jordon outside. "Everything okay?" He asked, his brown hair a mess. I shook my head, leaning it on his chest. "That's okay." He replied softly moving me along with him.

We stepped into his car. He didn't drive. I was still crying, my face buried in my hands. Jordon lifted my arms away. Gripped my body towards him. I could smell his cologne. Sweet. "Stop crying, love. He'll be alright, he's strong. You told me. Remember?"

I smiled a little, swiped my nose. "Yeah."

Jordon grinned. "I love you, cherie."

He always called me that. French for dearest. "I love you more." I leaned my head against the crook of his neck where his arms circled my back, soothing me to another uneventful slumber.