Boston is an awfully nice place to recuperate. Plenty of sun this time of year, the bay is absolutely beautiful, and the smell's not too bad once you get used to the constant stink of brine. Of course, I never got used to it, but then again I was never good at adjusting to change.
"And the two of them were transferred to Central for custody and a hearing on their reckless use of magic. So, that's the end of that!" Lavi told me cheerfully.
I'd only been half listening, my mind focused on scanning every single person outside the window for signs of being Akuma. Which is dumb. People don't show signs of being Akuma until they point guns in your face. Still, a girl could try.
"Huh? What was that?" I asked.
Lavi deadpanned and waved a hand at me. "Um… never mind. Anyway, Bookman and Kanda should be here any minute. Apparently, there have been some weird happenings up north. We'll head up to Maine to scout it out, and then you and Kanda will be headed to Montreal by yourselves," Lavi said, leaning against the little café table and making it rock.
I grasped at my hot chocolate and porridge bowl for fear they would tip over, and I made a face.
"I have to travel with him by myself?"
I groaned, thinking about all of my assorted aches and pains. I'd decided to come up with a list at the end of every mission to catalogue my wounds in the hopes that if I did that, I would manage to see some sort of progress as the list grew shorter. The current list was depressingly lengthy.
I'd broken five different ribs, fractured a few toes, dislocated a shoulder (which Lavi painfully fixed), snapped my pinkie (which was currently in a really dumb looking splint), and acquired several different bruises in various colorations. This did not include the hundreds of little cuts and scrapes I also sported. I was correct in assuming that I would look like an abused hippo the following day. A week later most of the swelling had gone down with a little medical magic, literally, and lying down with a few ice packs. Today, I looked less like dog meat and more like Maggie, albeit a very sorry looking Maggie.
"Well, look on the bright side. You won't have to talk to him," Lavi said, trying to make light of the situation.
I only sank in my chair (in a rather unladylike fashion) and continued sipping my hot chocolate.
"Oh! Before I forget," Lavi stated, standing up and patting himself down.
I looked up in surprise, raising an eyebrow as he continued to search himself as if he had a rat running amok in his clothes. Finally, he pulled out a cloth bag from a pocket and handed it to me. I gingerly picked it up, careful to keep my pinkie out of the way. It was fairly heavy, probably weighing close to a pound (it was a wonder he managed to stick it in a pocket).
"For finishing the mission in just about a week. I thought you deserved a little something," Lavi said proudly as I opened the bag.
Inside, there were five bars of different chocolates. The smell was heavenly. I took a deep breath, suddenly lost in ecstatic fantasies of eating the chocolate slowly, piece by piece, in a nice warm bath with bubbles.
And then, suddenly, I started to bawl.
The sudden devolution into crying must've thrown the redhead for a loop. If I recall correctly, he had that dumbstruck look on his face that normally accompanies a man's realization that a female was crying in his proximity.
"D-did I do something wrong? What's the matter? Don't cry, don't cry, here!" Lavi profusely apologized, his brain finally catching up to him, and falling behind all at the same time, as he handed me a hankie.
I took it and wiped my face, trying to keep some semblance of dignity. "Sorry, j-just... I don't t-take getting gifts very well."
Part of it was also the fact that it really hadn't hit me now that not only had I completed a full mission, but also that I'd probably almost died a couple of times while I was at it. I was just absolutely overwhelmed with relief that the nightmare was over. The fact I was getting a gift probably didn't help. And that the gift was chocolate…
"If I'd known you'd be so upset, I would've just let you have it in your room," Lavi said, slightly bewildered.
I sniffled, surreptitiously wiping my nose with his hankie. I was aware that several people were staring at us now, and I wanted to hide under the table. I shouldn't have lost my composure, but... chocolate.
It had been years since I'd had actual bars of chocolate. It had been a big treat when my Uncle Mickey would bring me chocolate from the far off places he'd visit on all of his trips to God knows where. My mother tried to tell him that he was making me fat, but he'd always sneak me a bar every Christmas up until he'd left the year I turned thirteen. The last time I'd had it was almost five years ago on Halloween, the week before Mickey basically disappeared.
Yet another father figure, poof. It was a reoccurring theme.
"I will have you know, chocolate is, uh, a favorite," I said, pulling myself back together.
He had a sloppy grin on his face and naughty twinkle in his eye. "Oh really? So, say I got chocolate for your birthday, and the only way you could get it -"
A bag suddenly smashed down on top of his head, sending Lavi into a tailspin out of his chair. Kanda stood behind him, looking awfully unhappy, as he grumbled, "I told you to meet me at the courthouse, you dolt."
I had to admit, for all of Kanda's faults he had impeccable timing. I could see where Lavi's brain was going, and if I had a leash for it, I'd be yanking as hard as I could manage. Luckily for me, Kanda's bag seemed to have scrambled his brains like an egg. I was fervently praying he'd forget the rest of that sentence, because I really didn't want to know what else he'd wanted to say.
"Good morning, Kanda," I said, trying for decorum.
"Shut up. I'm talking to the baka usagi," Kanda replied in his usual, charming way.
My eye twitched at the lack of manners.
If there was one thing I'd beaten into my siblings... it was manners.
As Kanda continued harassing Lavi, I picked up a spoonful of porridge and took aim. Two wrongs don't make a right, but that didn't mean it wasn't fun to try. Thank God for all those food fights I had when I was little…
A glob of porridge landed smack dab right on his forehead amid that bed of pretty dark hair. I could swear I saw a vein burst in his neck.
"I said good morning," I stated, smiling thinly. I was very aware that I was probably going to suffer in the near future, but you only live once, right?
There was a pause as the very wind seemed to hold its own breath.
Oh dear God, why did I do that? I was going to be pureed where I sat!
"Now, now, children, calm yourselves for a few moments," Bookman drawled as he sidled along side the table. Someone up top must really love me, because he put himself right between me and the murderous swordsman who looked like he was disemboweling me mentally in a variety of nasty ways.
Kanda let go of my redheaded partner and sat down with a large fwump at the table as he wiped some of the porridge out of his hair. Lavi situated himself back into his chair unsteadily, his hair mussed. I tried to straighten up, but the action nearly had me on the floor. My ribs did not appreciate being moved while healing. Bookman seated himself as well, and the surrounding people tried to keep to themselves rather unsuccessfully. I could feel eyes on us, but that could've been my normal paranoia working.
"Our next mission is, quite obviously, up north. There is a manse several miles from here that exhibits some odd disappearances. People go into the woods surrounding the manse, and they don't come back out. Those that do get close to the forest have noted that there are dozens upon dozens of broken, misused, and abandoned items such as chairs, plates, cutlery, clocks, broomsticks, et cetera. The list goes on. There are also quite a few stray dogs in the area, but there aren't enough to consider them a reason for the disappearances. Entire groups of people have disappeared near the manse, the largest being an acting troupe of fourteen strong," Bookman explained, tossing a thick dossier onto the table.
Lavi picked it up and began flipping through it.
"When do we leave?" Lavi asked as he scanned the file with a glassy eye, the regular look of a recording Bookman. The gaze was unsettling, however, and I turned my attention to his mentor. That stare tended to remind me of how fake Lavi could be.
"Preferably today, as soon as possible. We'll split into two groups. I'll go with Lavi - Kanda, you'll take Mag," Bookman stated, gesturing to me.
We looked at each other with bug-eyed stares.
"I'm not going with her."
"Over my dead body!"
"That can be arranged," Bookman mumbled sardonically.
"We're leaving her here. I'm not taking her. She looks like she's been put through a meat grinder. She wouldn't even make good bait, much less a fighting partner," Kanda argued, pointing at me.
I swatted at his finger, glaring. The two of us locked stares.
"Don't point. It's rude," I ordered.
Kanda looked like he was actually about to growl at me before Lavi interjected.
"I... kind of have to agree with Kanda at this point. Mag is in no condition to be fighting. Her ribs won't be healed for another month or so, and she can't even think about actual exercise until next week," Lavi sighed, drumming his fingers against the table.
He looked at me with a chagrined expression, and I leaned back in my chair petulantly, crossing my arms with a huff. My spine complained raucously as my ribs also submitted their thoughts on the matter of being moved.
"My point exactly," Kanda spat through my haze of pain. Bookman considered the proposition, and I looked up wearily.
"She stays. Charles is our Finder, and he'll lead us to the point of the phenomenon. We'll keep in touch with you, Magnolia," Bookman said with a tone of finality.
And with that, I was duly left behind.
"Psh, dumping me here. 'She looks like she's been through a meat grinder'! 'She won't even make good bait'! Pft. Men," I complained as I soaked in my bath.
I got my fantasy after all.
The only thing missing was the bubbles. I wiggled my toes, thinking about what the Terrific Trio must be doing by now. There was a sharp crack as one of my ribs popped exactly into place and healed, and I winced at the sharp twinge it sent through my rib cage. To help it along, I'd been given pills of various types. I'd buried some of them in my half-melted chocolate to help get it down.
I sank into the water, enjoying the warmth. It was weird that I was so mad that they left me here. After all, I'd been dreading going on the next mission considering my state. In reality I should be perfectly happy to wallow here in the steam and heat while they went off to beat back the boogie men.
But a part of me wanted to be out there helping with those same boogie men, and I wasn't sure why. I felt awfully conflicted. Another piece of chocolate found itself between my teeth as I thoughtfully chewed the subject over. My neurotic brain wouldn't let me rest. I must've been in the bath for at least an hour or two. It was amazing that it was still warm.
The hotel was nice, the bathroom complete with a claw-foot tub and shower with nice tiles and beautiful fittings. I should be absolutely euphoric right now! What was the matter with me?!
I struck the water in frustration, watching it flop and sway at the motion. So much for making waves. I leaned my head back against the rim of the tub and sighed.
"CALLING MAGGIE! CALLING MAGGIE! YOU THERE?"
I almost sloshed half the water out of the tub as I flailed in surprise. My golem fluttered near my head, practically attacking me.
"H-hang on a second, let me at least get out first, geez!" I protested, flapping a hand at the offending device as it continued to squawk.
I grabbed a towel and stepped out of the tub, noticing with a little bit of disappointment that my hair had frizzed in the heat into a massive poof ball of waves. I looked like a lollipop covered in fuzz. I wrapped myself in a towel.
"Go on, what do you want?" I asked with a sigh.
The golem stayed stationary for a little while before giving me a recorded transmission.
Wait... recorded?
"Magnolia, we may need a little, um, assistance - BOOKMAN, WATCH IT! THAT'S MY HEAD! - and, uh, we're going to need you, uh, ASAP! We sent - KANDA, TO THE LEFT! NO, YOUR LEFT, NOT MINE! - Charles to go and get you, so be ready to leave - HOLD IT STILL SO I CAN -"
The transmission suddenly cut out, and I was left standing there, dripping, feeling like someone had transplanted Antarctica into the vicinity of my stomach. With my thoughts roiling, I quickly changed into my uniform as best as I could manage with my wounds.
It was a little loose on me, a fact Lavi had interpreted as me losing weight. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. The only thing I had going for me was a voluptuous figure bordering on chubby, and even that I was about to lose.
I smoothed my hair down as I shook out my bracelets, trying to think of what they could possibly want me for. They'd told me that they'd sent Charles, our Finder, to me, but I had no idea when he'd arrive. The boys had left around nine this morning, and I'd started my bath around eleven. They'd only been gone two hours, and it was supposed to take them an hour to get to the manse, so Charles couldn't possibly -
Just my luck, there happens to be a knock at the door. Speak of the devil.
I opened the door, looking at Charles' bashful face. He was fairly young, hardly out of his twenties. He still had a little baby fat, and my mother instinct immediately kicked in. His hair was a mess, and his cheeks were ruddy, so he must've ridden like the wind.
"I 'em 'ere to escort you to ze manse, mademoiselle," Charles said with a very prominent French accent, and I tried to curb my dread.
My intuition was warning me the boys were probably in a heck of a lot of trouble, or that they were about to be. I didn't like either prospect because that meant I was either their sole hope or their Achilles' heel. I nodded, grabbed my bag, and we headed out the door.
After an hour of riding into the forests around Boston, Charles drew reign and nervously held out his hand. He said, "Mademoiselle, pleeze be extremely careful. Z'ere are... dogs."
He said the last word as if he were talking about man-eating hydras with clowns for heads. I rolled my eyes at his over dramatics and I urged my horse forward unsteadily. The equestrian arts had never been part of my repertoire…
"What's the matter with dogs?" I asked quietly.
We'd turned on to a trail leading deeper into the forest, and I could no longer see the road through the trees. Things were steadily getting darker, despite the fact it was almost noon. Then again, I'd read in the local paper that as of late it had been very rainy. It looked like clouds were blotting out the sky, which didn't help my paranoia as I jumped at shadows.
Charles was oddly quiet, and my 'mother sense' could immediately tell he was hiding something. I turned my matronly gaze on him, narrowing my eyes slightly.
He squirmed in his seat, biting his lip, before he admitted, "I 'em... much afraid of ze dogs, miz. Er, I, uh... came to you zo fast becauz I, um... was dizmizzed."
I blinked. That would explain how he managed to beat me to the door.
"Oh. Well, why didn't you just say so?" I asked, continuing onwards -
CRACK.
I frowned as my horse nearly threw me at the loud noise, and I yelped as I hung on for dear life. After soothing my horse into some sort of stillness, I hopped down, searching the ground for the source of the noise. Had I just heard the sound of a plate breaking? Sure enough, a broken china dish lay on the ground where my horse had stepped on it.
"We are cloze,"Charles said, moving his horse forwards past me.
I stared at his back pensively. It was odd he was so eager to go out there, because the hairs on my arms were standing up. For some reason, I felt there was something very wrong about seeing a plate in the middle of a forest. It just seemed forlorn. I clambered back onto my horse as gracefully as I could manage, and we continued.
The dossier information was fairly accurate. Pretty soon, I was seeing discarded grandfather clocks, chipped cups, wine glasses snapped at the stems, forks half-buried in the ground, spoons bent in half, cutlery buried in trees, various cleaning utensils lying in disuse... It was driving me mad seeing all this mess. I hated to see domestic ware in such ill repair. There was so much I could actually use out here if you just gave it a nice buff and shine.
"Psssst!"
I turned my head, looking for the source of the noise.
"Maggie. Pssst!"
I looked to Charles, and asked, "Hey, did you... hear anything just now?"
The Finder looked around and gave a helpless shrug. I sighed and began to nudge my horse when I heard a loud, "Maggie, you're deaf, blind, and fat!"
Okay, that voice was familiar. I dropped off my horse for what felt like the umpteenth time, and brandished both discuses.
"Lavi, that's not funny! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" I shouted into the forest.I waited several more minutes before I got a slightly muffled reply.
"Well, you might want to sit for this one, then, because you're just about standing on top of me."
I looked down, and...found the culprit... of the insults happened to be... a...
… A candlestick... holder? What the heck...?
I left my mouth agape as a small clock shuffled to its side, a good couple of inches shorter than his compatriot. The candlestick was a two-pronged affair with a single, thick holder that branched off into two distinct 'arms' holding vela candles that were lit. The filigree work was nicely done, oddly wrought to look like feather pens, and it was a burnished red-bronze. And, somehow, it could talk.
The clock was a miniature grandfather clock, its face done in very small roman numerals and a few other dials denoting the alignment of planets and position of the moon. Oddly enough, that created the illusion that the dials were actually eyes. It had a short pendulum and mother-of-pearl inlay, a very expensive (if old fashioned) clock. And it... too... could talk...? I had to rub my eyes a little bit as it rocked around to look at the candlestick.
"She has terrible hearing for an Exorcist. I thought you were supposed to be training her?" the clock grumbled.
"I have been!" the candlestick retorted. "She heard me the first time! She just couldn't see me."
"You... You are ZINGS!" Charles shrieked girlishly, falling off his horse in order to crouch and look at the two. I knelt down in a daze, staring at them. How did this... even...?
"Yeah, I kind of already figured - HEY HEY! NOT COOL, PUT ME DOWN!"
I turned Lavi upside down, looking him over. He looked exactly like a candelabra, yet he somehow managed to exude some sort of... Lavi-ness. I knew perfectly well that it was him, just he was kind of... well, a candlestick holder. He pin-wheeled his little arms, protesting loudly.
"I don't like being manhandled!" Lavi shrieked, and I finally set him back on his fee- ... well, base. He hopped backwards away from me and grumbled, "Sheesh, got smashed by a bag this morning, and I've got people picking me up and turning me upside down..."
The clock, which I assumed was Bookman, chortled quietly. He swung his pendulum pensively back and forth as he seemed to start thinking about something.
I finally asked, "What happened to you two? And where's Kanda?"
"Yez, vere iz Monsieur Kanda?" Charles asked in a distracted tone, still staring at both of the Exorcists-turned-domestic-household-items.
"Well, to answer your first question, there is most definitely an Akuma near the manse. And its special ability is to turn people into... er, objects. Logically, it prefers the breakable type," Bookman explained.
"We only managed to keep our ability to talk and move because Bookman was able to cast a spell before the transformation was complete. I didn't think he had anything for this sort of situation..." Lavi mused, and Bookman gave the clock equivalent to a shrug, a lifting the top corners of his body.
"It is best to always be prepared."
I slapped my forehead. Great. That didn't explain what had happened to Kanda, though...
"And Mr. Grouch-"
"MADEMOISELLE, LOOK OUT!"
I found myself hauled to my feet as a number of dogs suddenly raced past us. Charles, having had enough at this point with the dogs, immediately hopped aboard his horse, and cowered from the baying hounds. I was less blinded by fear and more reassured by experience as I realized that the dogs were not running towards us, but running away from something else. I scooped up both Lavi and Bookman hastily before trying to climb aboard my horse.
However, that also involved holding both people-turned-items to my chest, which was followed by many a raunchy comment. I came this close to leaving Lavi behind.
"Say one more thing about the color of my brassiere, and I will personally bend you into a pretzel," I seethed as I spurred my horse forwards after the dogs.
Whatever it was that was after them, I didn't want to meet it. Charles reluctantly followed me, and we overtook the dogs ;however, we were beginning to run out of road. It was starting to look more like a trail instead, and I was worried about my horse. I wasn't sure if he'd make it in a wet slop of a trail. It was supposed to rain soon, and if we ended up in the mud, he might break an ankle and send me flying.
"I zink... ze zing iz gone, now," Charles panted as we brought our horses to a halt. The sun was already blotted out, and I realized that the rainy forecast was bound to come true soon. I didn't fancy being caught out in a squall.
"Good. We can focus on finding the manse," I prioritized.
"It's just down this trail. It's fairly wide and mostly dirt track. We managed to reach the manse, but then we ended up fighting the Akuma," Lavi explained. He shifted in his spot inside of my bag, making himself more comfortable, and Bookman complained rather loudly.
"You're setting your candles on top of my head, idiot apprentice! If you're not careful, you'll drip wax all over me! I'll be damaged!" Bookman snapped, and Lavi groaned.
"Gramps, you'll be fine. My candles will not cause any damage, I swear. Besides, what's it matter? You're going to be turned back into a human anyway."
"As is the case with most spells of this nature, however, any damage incurred in this state will somehow transfer to my human state. I do not wish to have a large waxy spot on my head! I have enough wrinkles and liver spots as it is, watching you run around."
"Oh, and if I manage to cut off half a candle, I'll be missing a few fingers?"
"We can test that theory."
I rolled my eyes as I urged my horse forward.
"Boys, boys, enough. Please, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," I ordered, towering over them. They begrudgingly fell silent. Within ten minutes we were at the manse, a massive dilapidated house that looked more like a castle. I was starting to get a feeling of dejavu…
"Does anyone feel like they're trapped in a bad fairytale?" I asked under my breath, but nobody answered.
At the front steps I jumped off my horse with my teammates in their bag, and I gave Charles the reins to my horse.
"Here, you can go and stable the horses," I said in a distracted tone as I looked up at the manse. Charles reluctantly left, and I started up the stairs to the front door.
"Alright, start telling me what happened," I suggested.
Overhead, thunder rumbled ominously. I didn't fancy getting wet, so I entered the dank house. It was exactly what I expected - dark, wet, and rotting. All sorts of knickknacks littered the foyer and a grand staircase, and I activated both discuses. From what I'd read of the dossier, it was a very large manse with three wings: north, south, and west. The kitchens were in the back, and most of the bedrooms were upstairs. It even came with a ballroom. Whoever had owned this house had had some serious moolah.
"Well, we rode here around the middle of the morning, and we had to send Charles back because of the dogs. After that we encountered an Akuma, and it left behind all this dust. It was fast, I remember that much. I think it even sliced Kanda a bit. The old man had already recognized what was going on, and he cast this movement spell. Now, we're candlesticks and clocks. Ta-da! By the by, does anyone else notice the weird dejavu I'm getting? Seriously, I feel like this is all familiar," Lavi recounted quietly, his words echoing in the dusty silence of the manse.
"That's what I thought, too. Sort of feels like -" There was a sudden creaking noise from above, cutting off my answer. I stopped, looking around and on guard.
"Creeeepy," Lavi muttered.
"Quiet, apprentice. Do you want to attract attention?" Bookman hissed.
"You're the one whispering loud enough for the entire house to hear you," Lavi muttered.
I shifted my bag over my shoulder as I walked deeper into the house. It was getting dark quickly, and the thunderstorm brewing over my head didn't help matters. I could imagine seeing right through the house's ceiling from the holes into the other floors above me. To my frazzle imagination, I could just about see the sky through the gaps!
"It... looks livable, at least. We can stay here for the night, I guess. I don't fancy riding back in the rain," I whispered to the two in my bag.
"That seems most wise. I don't want to get wet. Water warps wood," Bookman noted.
"And metal isn't friends with water either," Lavi fretted, rubbing his 'hands' together. It was kind of chilly in here. Lucky, Lavi's flames were somewhat warm, but that also led to the question of whether his flames could burn things or not.
Wait a minute... if everyone was turned into silverware and plates and clocks and all of those things... my mind wandered to the fact my horse had stepped on a plate, and my stomach turned.
I'd just crushed someone! I killed somebody! I'd snapped them clean in half! My blood ran cold as it dawned on me that I might've murdered somebody!
"Oh god," I breathed.
And I swear that it was on cue. From behind, something tackled me to the ground, sending us through a hole in the floor to the basement.
All I could really think was 'why me? Again?'
I hit a pile of springs and cushions, screaming and sending up a cloud of dust as I tangled with my adversary. Lavi and Bookman shouted protests as I rolled around, nearly crushing them in my bag, as I tried to get the upper hand on the dark monster that had sent me tumbling. It was pitch black, and the only glow came from the little light reflecting off my discuses. I finally separated, skirting around the pile of couch guts.
"Maggie, remember what I taught you," Lavi said, sounding a touch nervous. "It's just the dark. You don't need eyes to fight."
I took a deep breath as I waited, a low growling reverberating in the air. A blacker blur across the sea of dark burst towards me, and I swung my bag away as I used my other hand to try and catch the monster with a disc to the head. It yelped as it skidded across the floor, and I silently congratulated myself on a fluke hit.
And then, I was blindsided just as soon as I'd finished giving myself some kudos.
I lay flat on my back, pinned by something that seemed half-human, half-beast, claws around my wrists as hot breath washed over my neck, the points of fangs lightly digging into my neck just above my jugular. I could feel the vein bulge against teeth as I shook, realizing that I was about to be disemboweled violently and painfully. My stomach twisted, but nothing happened. We remained at a stalemate, the monster's jaws around my neck as I was tensed for a getaway in case an opening presented itself.
I was praying that God would produce a miracle, like a random lightning bolt from the sky, or a mariachi band suddenly blasting the demon away with some amazing trumpet playing.
Even in the midst of my imminent demise, I could imagine the oddest of scenarios. It was how I stayed sane.
The respite lasted for about five more seconds. The fangs suddenly removed themselves from their poised position over my jugular, and a soft voice that was part growl and part whisper asked, "Mag?"
I let my eyes adjust to the dark, noting the cat-eyed twin reflections staring back at me as narrow slits. However, as soon as the light shifted, the eyes were hidden by the dark. The voice was familiar, and so was the rough manhandling. I wasn't exactly a stranger to being thrown on my back either.
"Shifu?" I asked. I might as well play it safe. If I called him Grouchface, he'd be much more inclined to remove my jugular whether I was a friend or not.
"Oh! We didn't recognize you in the dark. You were already in the manse? Sheesh, you could've given us a heads up or something," Lavi said somewhere in the dark.
Kanda gave his usual 'che', though it came out more of a snort. "You were taking too long."
"I'm hopping around on what amounts to being a giant foot! Cut me some slack! I wasn't about to let you carry me around in your mouth, either. I don't know where that's been."
The weight disappeared as Kanda bounded off back to the mountain of fluff and metal. A ray of light seemed to realize that this was its cue, and it lightly showered over Lavi, Bookman, and Kanda. Somehow, the two Exorcists-turned-household-objects had bounded their way out of my bag and towards the cushion pile, and Kanda was sitting on top of it.
I stared at him a while longer as he straightened himself out. I'm pretty sure my jaw was somewhere near the floor.
As if to keep up with the theme... Kanda was a... well...
A dog.
Huh. How fitting.
"I like the new look," I noted sardonically.
Kanda swung his head towards me, lifting a single eyebrow. He was covered in shaggy fur, pitch black save for a gray patch over the right side of his chest, and he had an odd mix of human limbs and dog posture, with his legs more dog-like and his arms more man-like. There was a large gash along his right flank as well as his head (the latter being a courtesy of yours truly ), and I nearly laughed when I saw that he had a tail. He had docked ears that stood up from his head, turning this way and that as he listened to the creaking of the house. His Exorcist uniform hung loosely in some places and tight in others. It suddenly made me wonder what had happened to Lavi and Bookman's uniforms…
"Up," Kanda growled painfully, nodding his head towards the top of the basement hole.
As if materializing from thin air, Charles stuck his head into the hole, took one look at Kanda, and screamed like a little girl before running away. Kanda rolled his eyes before stiffly climbing up a few boards to get out. I got up, noting that my splinted pinkie was throbbing like a bass drum being beaten by an angry three year old. I picked up Lavi and Bookman, and we climbed out of the hole the same way.
"Charles! Charles! You can come back! It's Kanda! There's nothing to be afraid of!" Bookman shouted.
For a clock, he had some surprising volume. And I don't think even I would've believed that last sentence.
"Is it just me, or does Kanda look a little... hurt?" I asked Lavi as I put them both down.
Bookman was already hopping away from us towards the grand staircase where Kanda was lying down, and Charles peeked in from the rafters cautiously. How did he even get up there?
"The transformation spell that gave us some movement also gave Kanda human qualities, but it hasn't really taken very well. Not all of his limbs and body parts coincide correctly, so his anatomy's a little screwed up. He's probably really uncomfortable, especially in that uniform. I'd help him get it off and all, but..." Lavi explained, a note of lecherousness and general mischief in his voice as he waved his candlestick hands at me. I narrowed my eyes and shoved him over, which wasn't hard.
"Ow! Hey!"
I couldn't help but feel a little bit of pity for Kanda. He really did look fairly miserable, though it was kind of hard to tell considering he had a muzzle, and the only things that I recognized were his voice and eyes. It started to rain all of a sudden, and a torrent of water dropped smack dab on top of him, drenching him immediately.
There was no denying now that he looked miserable. He seriously looked like a wet, kicked puppy.
"Is there a bathroom around here?" I asked Lavi wearily, my back and shoulders starting to hurt from landing on those springs and rolling around in the basement. Not to mention I couldn't stand seeing Kanda look this uncomfortable. He was usually just a butt.. Now he looked like an abused dog.
Probably because he was an abused dog.
"I think there's a bathroom that still works in the west wing of the house. It did whenever I used it about two hours ago. Why?" Lavi asked. I picked him up, despite his protests, and carried him over to the stairs.
"Kanda needs a bath, that's why," I sighed.
He was absolutely filthy. He was covered in both blood and mud, and he probably needed to get his uniform coat off. However, he just looked up at me from his puddle of misery and glared.
"No baths," he ground out.
I frowned. So we were doing this routine, were we? Well, I'd have him know that I'd forced more than one kid to take a bath, so he wasn't going to be my first nor would he be the last.
"Yes, bath," I stated. "You're going to get an infection, and you're going to get sick in those wet clothes. Not to mention you stink like wet dog, and I'm not going to be holding my nose this entire trip. Charles! Get down from there and help me!"
Charles, of course, did not come down as I asked. If anything, he managed to wedge himself tighter in the rafters. Kanda, of course, refused to budge. He started to lumber away on both hands and feet while Bookman sidled along side me as best he could with his little wedge feet.
"You will need to take drastic measures to get him in any sort of presentable state," Bookman sighed.
"Kanda's not exactly open to bath time with Maggie. I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind having bath time with..."
"Lavi, I have no problem dropping you down the stairs."
"Behaving! I'm behaving!"
Meanwhile, Kanda was desperately trying to worm his way out of his uniform coat and shirt, but he didn't look like he was having much luck. I sat on the banister of the stairs, watching him get more and more frustrated. In fact, all of us were kind of amused to watch him sway around almost drunkenly in his attempt to take his clothes off with only his teeth.
"So, tell me about the Akuma," I said in a distracted tone. Man, he'd smacked that table none too gently…
"Oh, it's rose shaped, and its special ability is obviously turning people into objects. It uses dust. Ouch! He knocked himself a good one. I didn't think anyone could hit themselves in the head that hard," Lavi professed, both our eyes tracking the stubborn Exorcist-dog.
"It moves using roots, but it's deceptively fast - that man has no idea when to quit. He nearly gave himself a broken leg - Anyhow, it is very childish, which works in our favor and works against us at the same time. It's very easy to anger, which makes it a sloppy fighter, but it is also very unpredictable. Along with its dust and pollen, it also has spikes," Bookman keyed me in, and I nodded, half-listening.
I winced as I watched Kanda fall over backwards as he tripped on a chair. His jacket and shirt were ripped, but they still refused to come off.
"Should we help him?" I asked hesitantly.
Lavi gave me a look.
"We? What 'we', exactly, are you talking about?" he asked in dry tones, and I stared at the ceiling with dismay.
I guess it was up to me. I was the only willing volunteer with hands.
"Come here, you big, furry lump," I said, grabbing him by the collar.
He gave me a harsh glare, but he was panting from exertion. Sheesh, who knew clothes could be such a work out?
"I'll help you out on one condition," I stated.
He narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"You have to take a bath."
"Not this again! No baths!"
"Do you want these to come off?" I asked seriously, staring him in the eye.
He growled in my face, and I very abruptly smacked him across the muzzle. He gave me a surprised look, and I myself even started at the sudden turn to violence. I guess because he looked more dog than human, I identified with my dog training skills. After all, Tip was dense as a brick. It took a lot of hitting, spray-bottling, and doggie-treats to train that monster. It was my first instinct.
"Come on, now," I said, yanking him by the collar gently.
Surprisingly, he followed along, for the most part, though he did snap at my hand. From behind, I could hear Lavi 'clip-clop'ing, and Bookman was making wooden thunk-thunking noises as he went along. I let them get ahead of me so that they could lead us to the washrooms.
Behind me, I could hear the sounds of the wind howling. I frowned as I felt eyes on me, but I kept walking. It was probably nothing.
It hung about the rafters of the house, its tendrils winding around the posts of the manse. It shivered as the rain cascaded down, filling the wood with life-sustaining water. Though it didn't need water, it was the most delicious thing it had ever tasted. The roots dug deeper into the wood, listening quietly for footsteps.
...Newcomers. It had seen newcomers, and it had turned them into objects, just as the Earl had instructed it. But once... just once... it wanted to see the fairytale play out. It wanted to know the fairytale was real. It would make it real…
"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you. And don't think about running off - I've caught Tip more times than I can count," the woman said.
She had brown hair, too. She had a nice, soothing voice. And she was wearing pants - a free spirit, just like the fairytale.
And then, the beast with her... half man, half dog...yes... This time the story would play out. This time, the fairytale would come true.
"Yeah, well, Tip won't bite you. I will."
"I'd like to see you try."
It curled around the rotting bones of the house, watching quietly.
It would have its "Beauty and the Beast"…
A/N: I've finally managed to churn out another chapter! I hope you enjoy this next installment of 'The Art of War'.
So far, though, it doesn't look like we've had either new followers or favoriteers in our midst.
Therefore, I'll get on with the questions: Do you like the themed 'gag' of the next few chapters? What parts made you laugh? Are there any conjectures you can make regarding any of the characters, Mag and co. included? Do you enjoy the story at all? Why? Is the point of view too descriptive, or not descriptive enough? Who are your favorite characters, either canon or otherwise?
Well, that's all for now folks. God bless you, and happy reading!
