Friday, May 1, 2009

Dear Diary,

I just got home from a date with Matt. It started at the Grill and somehow ended up at that little row of shops that we small-towners call a mall. We got ice creams and walked up and down Main Street. Sometimes I wish we could talk about something other than football and cheering, and Bonnie and Tyler and Caroline.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Dear Diary,

Mom, Dad, and Jeremy all had things to do today, so I called Matt and he came over. I made sandwiches and we had a picnic in the backyard. After we ate, I lay down and looked up at the clouds. He lay down beside me, and this is what he blurted out: "Do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

I kept looking at the sky and didn't answer. He held my hand, and we entwined our fingers. Then I heard the car in the driveway.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Diary,

Mom signed me up for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. She was Miss Mystic Falls back in her day, of course, and she can't comprehend the idea that I might not want to do it. She found a framed picture of herself in her gown and put it on the mantle in the living room. The empty space beside it is just waiting for a similar picture of the next generation.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Dear Diary,

On the way to school today, Matt and I talked about everything we usually talk about, and made no mention of his mention of "taking our relationship to the next level."


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dear Diary,

I wasn't going to tell Bonnie about what Matt said, but we were talking on the phone, and I guess I couldn't help it. She advised me to be honest with him. But how can I be honest with someone else when I don't even know my own feelings?


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Davids told us that eighth-grade cheer camp starts next week. Every Monday and Wednesday, eighth-graders who want to try out for next year are going to be bussed from Mystic Falls Middle after school. She divided us into pairs (Bonnie and I are together), and said that each pair will be in charge of a group of four girls. It's our job to train them for summer try-outs. Caroline and Darcy are together, and I heard Caroline mutter, "I hope we get the good ones."


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear Diary,

While Matt and I were driving home, it started raining. While Mom was making dinner, a giant clap of thunder knocked out the power. She shouted and I rushed to the kitchen in semi-darkness. She had been taking a pan out of the oven and burned her finger. When Dad got home, we ate by candlelight, and now I'm writing this by flashlight. Jeremy insists that he can't do his homework without the internet, and that his teachers will understand. Okay, the power just came back on.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Dear Diary,

When Matt picked me up this morning, the front yard was nothing but mud. On the way to school, we had to stop twice to move a tree branch out of the road. We're going out tonight, to the movies. He's picking me up in an hour, so I guess I should start getting ready.


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Dear Diary,

Bonnie and Caroline and I drove twelve miles to the actual mall to go Mother's Day shopping. On the way there and on the way home we talked about Matt. They both insist that I should have immediately said "I love you too" when he said it the first time. I don't see why anyone should do that. Two people who are in a relationship aren't going to coincidentally start loving each other at the exact same time, so if you said it for the first time right after your boyfriend, it would be obvious that you just said it because he did.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Dear Diary,

I tried to wake Jeremy up early today, but he wouldn't get up. I made breakfast, and it turns out that I am actually capable of scrambling eggs and toasting bread. Dad woke up and went to the store and brought home a cake and a bouquet of daffodils. When Mom came downstairs, we had the table set. After we ate, we got dressed and went outside. Dad found his camera, and we took a photo. I printed a 5x7 to put in that frame I bought yesterday. It sort of looks Victorian, and says MEMORIES across the top.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was our first day of eighth-grade cheer camp. The four girls Bonnie and I got are named Hailey, Ashley, Hope and Piper. They're total, total newbies. Piper seemed to be under the impression that they were going to learn liberty stunts on their first day. The first things we worked on were high Vs and low Vs and lunges. Hailey seemed so insecure that she hardly spoke, and she wouldn't do anything until she'd already seen the other girls do it.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

When I got home today I went upstairs to find that my room had been totally rearranged. Mom was on her hands and knees, in the closet. I shouted, "Mom! What are you doing?" She stood up and said, "Don't yell at me like that."

Can't I have any privacy? Can't I have my room like I want it? She could have asked my permission first. Now I have to spend all night putting my stuff back where it goes.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dear Diary,

We had cheering camp in the gym. It was really warm and windy today, and all the outside doors were open. When it was close to four, Matt came and stood in the doorway to wait for me. When the hour was over, the eighth-graders gathered by the bus, and I saw Hailey and Hope watch Matt and me hold hands and walk to his car. There was nothing on their faces but deep, deep admiration and awe.

When I was in eighth grade, if I'd seen a high school cheerleader holding hands with her football-player boyfriend, I would have felt the same way. But it turns out that the reality is nowhere close to that wonderful.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dear Diary,

I am a cheerleader. I am fairly popular. I have a boyfriend. He is a football player. He is fairly popular. I have many friends and a mother and a father and a brother and Everything I Need and I make good grades. Sometimes I even think of myself as pretty. I have every element needed for a happy teen existence. So why do I feel like this?


Friday, May 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt actually mentioned the subject of marriage tonight. When I didn't say anything, he actually seemed surprised and said, "Don't you think we'll do it someday?"

Do it?

"Get married."

Oh, of course. Do it.

So I said that I had never thought about it, and he said, "My parents got married a month after they graduated."

Then, without thinking, I said, "And that turned out so well."

I know I shouldn't have said it. He was really, really upset, but of course he didn't say so. He just suggested that we leave early, and we didn't speak on the way home.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

Dear Diary,

Bonnie came over today, and we mulled over the Matt subject. She thinks I should break up with him. She said it's not fair for me to keep his hopes up about our relationship when I don't have any hope myself.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

I talked to Mom about Matt (who, by the way, hasn't come over or called all weekend). Her opinion is the opposite of Bonnie's. She said I should stay with him, and "see how things work out."


Monday, May 18, 2009

Dear Diary,

This morning when I got to school, Matt was waiting by the front doors. He took my hand, and we smiled and kissed. Apparently, all is forgiven. And I don't want to lose him.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today at lunch, Matt had to find Vicki to tell her something, and I went outside with him into the domain of drug-users who couldn't care less about who wins the football games. They always call me and my friends stuck-up, but every person I walked past sort of sneered at me, like they're just so much cooler. One girl actually blew smoke in my face, as if that part of the pavement is their property and I wasn't allowed to be there.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dear Diary,

We had cheer camp today. I think Hope may actually make the squad, but I doubt the others will be good enough. Caroline was way across the gym, but I could hear her shouting at her group. She kept going, "Messy hands!" and "That's not how you were told to do it!" I actually thought one of the girls was going to cry, so I went to Mrs. Davids and asked her to tell Caroline to stop. She walked across the gym to stand closer, but she didn't actually do anything.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt said that Tyler's planning a big bonfire party in the woods this Saturday, as the beginning of our end-of-the-year festivities. Everyone's going to be there. We haven't made plans for Memorial Day yet. We might have a day at the pool, but maybe we could drive to the beach.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Dear Diary,

Well, those plans are ruined. Aunt Jenna arrived late last night, and is spending the entire weekend. I told Mom that Matt and I already have plans, and she said, "Well, you're just going to have to cancel those plans."

I can't believe she really treats me like this. Things have just gotten good again between Matt and me, and she acted like she was actually glad about it. Now Aunt Jenna suddenly decides to spend the night and "family night" is more important than anything I could ever possibly want to do. Matt said I should sneak out tomorrow night, and I think I will.


Dear Diary,

Aunt Jenna brought some of my things (including my diary) to the hospital. I might be able to go home tomorrow. The funeral is Tuesday.


Dear Diary,

I'm home. Still in some pain. When Jenna and I pulled into the driveway, Bonnie was waiting on the front porch. We just hugged and didn't say anything. When I went inside, everything looked different. I was in the same hall that I've walked into every day of my life. The same staircase was there. Everything was the same, but it looked totally different.

Jeremy was watching TV. He didn't acknowledge me or say anything. Bonnie and Jenna had to help me up to my room.


May 26, 2009

Dear Diary,

This morning, when I looked in my closet, I actually started to call down the stairs, "Mom, what should I wear?" Then I remembered that I can't ask her what to wear to her funeral.

I haven't seen Jenna cry much. I know she's trying to "be strong" for Jeremy and me. But nothing she does will make anything better.

We went to the funeral home and went inside and saw the caskets. Jeremy immediately started crying and sat down in a back pew. Jenna stood beside him and rubbed his shoulder, and I walked down the aisle by myself. Dad was wearing a suit and Mom was wearing her blue dress, and pearls. They looked so normal that I thought it might be a mistake, and they might not really be dead. But then I thought about how their bodies had been filled with chemicals and their mouths had been glued shut, and I knew that wasn't possible.

We had a couple of hours to ourselves before people started to arrive. Most of the town came. Dad was our only doctor, so everyone knew him. I heard "Your parents were wonderful people" so much that it became a wordless drone.

I was standing next to Jeremy when I felt an arm go around my shoulder. I saw Uncle John and immediately stepped out of his embrace, and so did Jeremy. He had this see-how-concerned-I-am expression on his face. Then he said something like, "How are you kiddoes holding up?"

We both simultaneously said, "I'm fine, Uncle John."

When everyone was seated, both of Tyler's parents spoke. I listened to everything they said, but now I don't remember a single word. Then we played Mom's favorite Sarah McLachlan song. And then it was over. Everyone walked down the aisle, past Jenna and Jeremy and John and me, and outside. The pallbearers were standing in the doorway. Some man came out of a back room and closed the lid of Dad's casket. Then he walked to Mom's, and without even meaning to, I said, "No, don't!" He nodded and stepped out of the way. I was crying uncontrollably by then. I just kept thinking that if I could always see her face, she would never be gone. Jenna was crying too, and she put her arms around me and said, "Come on, Elena, it's okay." We walked to the casket. I looked at Mom's face one last time. Then Jenna and I both closed the lid.


May 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

I don't think I need to take the remainder of my pills. I can stand and walk fine, it just hurts a little when I bend over or sit.

Uncle John came over this afternoon, before he left. He didn't stay long. He and Jenna tried to be civil to each other. For the kids' sake, of course.


May 28, 2009

Dear Diary,

Jenna asked us what we wanted the tombstone to say. Jeremy said, "Just put their names on it. Everyone who knew them knew them, and people who didn't know them won't read it anyway."

I want it to say something else. I want strangers to walk past and know that they had two kids who they loved.


May 29, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I realized that the word orphan means me.


May 30, 2009

Dear Diary,

I keep hearing Jeremy crying in his room. When I knock on the door and call his name, the crying stops, but he doesn't say anything.


May 31, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today we went to the cemetery to see the tombstone. Daffodil blossoms are carved into each corner. It says "Grayson Gilbert" and "Miranda Sommers Gilbert," and under that, "Loving Parents."


Monday, June 1, 2009

Dear Diary,

Jeremy and I went back to school today. We're exempt from all of last week's homework, and Mr. Tanner was actually being semi-nice to me. Caroline saw me in the hall and said, "Elena, I feel so sorry for you! Are you okay?"

Yes, Caroline, I'm fairly okay.

Then she said, "Are you sure? I feel so bad for you."

Yes, I'm sure. She was almost acting like it was my job to make her feel better. Everyone else (except Bonnie) acted like nothing had happened. Maybe they just didn't know what to say. I'm not sure I'd know what to say if it had happened to someone else.

I was really sore by the end of the day, and I couldn't do cheer camp. Jenna drove us home.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today at lunch, Caroline blurted out, "Who are you going to live with from now on?"

I had honestly not thought of that until she said it. Bonnie looked at her like, "You really shouldn't have said that." When I got home, I waited until Jeremy was in front of the television and I asked Jenna about it. She said that Mom and Dad had a will, and they stipulated that if anything ever happened to them, they wanted her to raise us. So does that mean we're going to go live with her, or she's going to move in here? She said, "I have a studio apartment, Elena, what do you think?"

I started talking really fast and asking her about money and how she could afford to keep our house and where she would work and everything. She put her hands on my shoulders and said, "Calm down. Your parents had life insurance. I can find a job here. It's okay."

If only it really was okay.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I had three finals, none of which I had studied for. I'm stuck somewhere between hoping I did okay and not caring in the least.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was the last day of school, and we had our last three finals. There was a big party at The Grill, and Matt asked me if I wanted to go. I texted Jenna, and she seemed surprised that I would even ask her if it was okay.

Matt and I hardly spoke on the way. The Grill was so crowded that we had to eat standing up. After a while, everyone started to leave to go to Tyler's house. Matt just assumed that I wanted to go. But I didn't tell him I didn't want to go, so we went.


Friday, June 5, 2009

Dear Diary,

I woke up late today. I stretched and walked through my door and into the hall. I saw Aunt Jenna's purse on the table. Then I remembered that my parents were dead.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Dear Diary,

For some reason, Jeremy isn't repulsive to me anymore.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt came over this afternoon to ask me if I wanted to go to the pool. I don't know why, but I felt like I had some reason not to go. I was actually standing in the doorway trying to come up with some excuse, but then I realized that there was no reason in the world not to go. Matt hung out with Jeremy for a while while I found my swimsuit and everything. When we left, Jenna called out the door, "Have fun!"

Maybe that was the reason I didn't want to go. Because I didn't want Jenna to be the one to say that.


Monday, June 8, 2009

Dear Diary,

Mom's grey sweater smells like her perfume. I slept with it in my arms, and I dreamed about her all night.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dear Diary,

Jenna has to leave us for a while to quit her job and move out of her apartment. She keeps saying, "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

Yes, Aunt Jenna. Yes, I'll keep an eye on Jeremy and, yes, I'll only use the microwave.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt and Bonnie are both going to be working as lifeguards for the summer. When Matt told me, I was actually glad that most of his time is going to be occupied, and I don't have to see him as much.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dear Diary,

It's so weird to be alone in the house with Jeremy and no one else. It seems like Mom and Dad just went somewhere, and they'll be home later.

While I was watching TV, I realized that the house was messy. It really never occurs to me to clean on my own. I either wait for Mom to do it, or wait until she tells me to do it.

So, I started picking things up. Jeremy came downstairs while I was throwing away a newspaper, and he shouted, "Don't throw that away."

I said, "It's just the paper," and he grabbed it and said, "Dad was in the middle of reading it. Are you going to throw all his stuff away?"

I just started crying. Then I went up to Mom and Dad's room and lay on the bed, in the dark.


Friday, June 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

Bonnie and Matt had to work today, and Jeremy went somewhere with Ethan. I'm currently sitting in the cemetery, writing in my diary. I remember how you wanted to be a writer, Mom, and you gave me my first diary for my tenth birthday. I'll always keep a diary from now on, and when I have a daughter of my own, I'll give her one for her tenth birthday.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Dear Diary,

Bonnie, Matt, Caroline and Ethan came over yesterday and stayed late. I really intended to get up early this morning, before Jenna got here, to clean the house and make breakfast. But I woke up at like eleven in the morning, and Jenna was downstairs vacuuming the living room rug.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of summer cheer camp. I couldn't do much, but I think it's more because I'm out of practice than because of the accident. Just as I predicted, Hope made the team, but so did Piper.

The first time I shouted, "Ready, okay!" which is something I've shouted countless times with happy-cheerleader enthusiasm, I felt really strange. It's like it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dear Diary,

Since Jeremy had been sitting in front of the TV for about five straight hours today, I suggested he get his sketchpad and go outside for a while. He just mumbled something and didn't look away from the screen.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today at cheer camp I asked Mrs. Davids who would take my place if I quit the team. Her mouth literally dropped open and she said, "Elena, I know you feel bad right now, but quitting the team is exactly what you shouldn't do. That will just make you feel worse."

Maybe her intentions were good, but why do people always say that? They say to just go on with life as if nothing has happened. I need to mourn my parents, and cheering just isn't that important to me anymore.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today Jenna mentioned that the insurance company is going to pay for us to buy a new car, and she asked Jeremy and me what kind we wanted. Jeremy muttered, "I don't know," and I just didn't say anything.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Dear Diary,

Tonight I went out with Matt, and I asked him what he thought about me quitting the team. He said, "Quit? Why?"

I couldn't really explain it to him. I just can't do it anymore. I talked to Bonnie about it, and she said, "Well, I'll miss you."


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dear Diary,

Here I am, in the cemetery again. Tomorrow's Father's Day, and the next day's my birthday. I had totally forgotten about it until Jenna asked me what I wanted to do. My first thought was to say, "Nothing," but I don't know. I certainly don't want to have a big party.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up and couldn't find Jeremy. He was neither inside nor outside, and he'd left his phone in his room. Aunt Jenna said not to worry, but when it started getting dark, I called all his friends. No one had heard from him all day. Aunt Jenna drove down Main Street, but didn't find him, and I had the brilliant idea of walking to the cemetery to see if he was there. He wasn't. He finally came home at about eleven. I caught up to him on the staircase and asked him where he'd been, and he shouted, "Why do you care? Did you really expect me to stay home all day? Is today a holiday?"

Jenna said that he's home and safe, so we should just leave him alone.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm seventeen. Jenna gave me a necklace and a set of Jane Austen books. ("She was my favorite author when I was your age.") Jeremy didn't get me anything, but I didn't expect him to and I don't mind. Jenna bought a cake, and I figured out what I wanted to do today. I wanted to have a party with Mom and Dad. So we packed a cake-picnic and went to eat in the cemetery. Jeremy was in a fairly good mood (compared to yesterday). We sat on the ground, and it was the first time since the accident that we talked about happy memories, and smiled and laughed while talking about Mom and Dad.

When we got home, I found gifts from Matt and Bonnie on the front porch. Bonnie got me a new diary (I had told her that this one's almost full). Matt got me a pair of earrings and he actually wrote a poem. It was really bad, but it's the thought that counts.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dear Diary,

Jenna's employed, yay. And the new car arrived in the driveway today. I'm just trying to put it out of my mind.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Davids emailed me and asked why I haven't been coming to cheer camp. I thought I already told her why.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear Diary,

No one felt like cooking tonight, so we ate at The Grill. Jeremy got up to go to the bathroom and didn't come back, so I got up to find him and saw him at the bar, talking to Vicki Donovan. When he finally came back to the table, I asked him why he was talking to a drug addict. His response was, "Not everyone who uses drugs is an addict, Elena."

Like that's supposed to change my mind?


Friday, June 26, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt picked me up and we drove to the movie theater. He has that old junky car, and when I tried to open my door, it stuck. I immediately panicked. I was screaming and pounding at the window, and then Matt went around and opened the door. He was saying, "God, what's wrong? The door just sticks sometimes."

I leaned onto the roof of the car. I wanted to scream. But then everyone in the parking lot would think I was being attacked or something. I bit my sleeve and held the fabric in my mouth and bit down as hard as I could. I told Matt I just wanted to go home. He said, "Elena, just calm down."

I couldn't stand to get back in the car. So I told him I was walking home. He said, "You can't walk from here."

I started walking and crossed the street and he followed me. We didn't say anything for a really long time. When we were about a block from home, I stopped walking and stood on the sidewalk. He said, "What's the matter?" and pulled me close to him.

Then it all just came out. I shouldn't have snuck out of the house that night. If I'd stayed home like I was supposed to my parents would be alive. I wouldn't have called them to pick me up from a party that I shouldn't have gone to in the first place. The car wouldn't have gone over the bridge.

I pushed him away and walked home, and he followed me. I stood on the porch because I didn't want to go inside. I kept saying, "Why did I survive? I don't remember anything. How did I get out of the car?"

We sat down and he wrapped his arms around me and kept saying, "Shh, it's okay."

But it's not okay. And everyone at the hospital called it a miracle. Two people dying is not a miracle. I killed my parents and now I have to live in hell.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

I haven't even looked at my phone all day. This method Jeremy has of spending eight straight hours in front of the TV really has something to say for it.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Dear Diary,

Matt came over this afternoon. We stood on the front porch, and neither of us knew what to say. Finally, I just said, "I want us to end our relationship."

Another long moment of silence. Then he said, "Why?"

I told him that I need some time alone. After what's happened, I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend to be the happy high school cheerleader with a perfect boyfriend.

He said, "So have you just been pretending this whole time?"

I kind of have. But not exactly. It's more like I've been hoping certain things will bring me happiness, but now I guess I've given up hope.

He walked down the porch steps and said, "So you quit cheering, and you're breaking up with me. You're just giving up on life, Elena."

He walked to his car, and opened the door. He shouted, "This isn't what your parents would have wanted."

The he drove away.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Dear Diary,

Bonnie thinks I did the right thing. At least I was honest with him. I have honesty on my side.


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dear Diary,

I'm at the cemetery. Last night I filled my old diary. This morning I read some old entries from before the world died. I was such a different person then. If only I'd known.