Happiness, such a simple word. When you ask someone what brings them happiness they will often look in the distance and smile. I can't remember the last time I was able to give genuine smile. I can't remember the last time I felt happy. All I can feel now is emptiness. The feeling of being alone to walk through a meadow in the dead of winter, all the grass frail and yellow and the bushes bare and their twigs snapping at the lightest of touch. No sign of life to be seen or heard.
I find myself thinking this while collapsing to the ground. Violent, silent sobs shake my whole being. My grip on reality slowly fading. I feel like I'm being devoured by darkness. My lungs scream in protest as I hyperventilate, begging for oxygen. I hear a loud banging but can't get my brain to register what would make such a noise. My cheeks feel wet. I reach with my left hand to touch my face, oh, just tears. The banging gets louder and I start hearing muffled voices.
"Bella?" There is a voice but I can't make out who it is.
"Oh my God, Jake! Get my phone and bring it to me now!"
Someone drops to their knees in front of me and gently tilts my face to look at them. It's my mom. Her eyes wide with fear and unshed tears. She wraps her arms around me in a tight hug.
"Mom, here's the pho…" I look over my mother's shoulder and see my older brother standing in the doorway. My vision is starting to get blurry and a loud ringing assaults my ears.
"Jake, I need you to call 911. Tell them your sister in having a panic attack and is on the verge of collapsing."
There was a pause, "Don't just stand there Jake, go!"
The last thing I hear is my brother saying an ambulance is on the way before the darkness consumes me.
I was kept in the hospital for three days. After I passed out the ambulance showed up wasted no time strapping me to a gurney and rushed me to St. Rose memorial hospital. When I finally woke up, my mother informed me that I had been out of it for 36. She looked exhausted. There were dark circles under her blood shot eyes and multiple coffee cups placed on the night stand. The doctor ran multiple tests on my heart and brain, when nothing was found out of the ordinary I was released to go home. Where I am now, sitting on my bed with an opened coloring book and a box of colored pencils. Down the hall I can hear my brother and my parents getting into a heated argument. From what I've overheard so far, my brother wants me to come home with him, back to Forks Washington. He says I need to get away for a while and he knows a therapist whom, should I be willing, would be happy to see me. My dad sounds all for it, he's confused and doesn't know what to do for me. My mom keeps arguing that I might get worse, that when (not if) I have another episode she can help me through it and take care of me. I agreed with Jake though. I mean, come on. What 23 year old wants their mother hovering over them, waiting for something bad to happen? For the first time, in a long time, I actually felt excited for something.
I just finished my picture when I felt someone staring at me. Looking at the door way I saw my dad and Jake standing there watching me.
"What?" I asked
Jake scoffed, "Yeah, like you haven't been eaves dropping the whole time."
"What do you say kiddo?" Dad walked over and sat at the end of the bed. He grabbed my hand and squeezed.
"Well…" I started "I like the idea of staying with Jake. But what if mom is right and I have another episode? I mean, come on Jake, do you really want to be responsible for this mess?" I asked pointing to myself.
Jake shrugged "You're my little sister, if it happens it happens. But don't start packing just yet. I have some terms you must agree to before you make a decision." He handed me a piece of paper with the following written on it.
You have to attend counseling for the duration of your stay. (I can try to do that)
You have to obtain a part time job, at least 20 hours a week. (Seriously?)
Find a hobby so you aren't sitting at home alone all the time.
I looked up at Jake and lifted my brows. "You can't be serious?"
He crossed his arms, "I am actually. In fact I took the liberty of setting up a meet and greet with a counselor I know. She's amazing and I really think she can help you."
"What about this whole job and hobby thing?"
"Not negotiable."
Sigh, "You say it like it's the simplest thing in the world."
Jake chuckled, "Don't worry, I will help you out."
I roll my eyes; Jake can be such a simpleton at times. "If I agree to your terms, then I can start packing right?"
Jake smiles, "Absolutely."
I rolled of my bed and grabbed my large duffle bag from underneath. I managed to shove in all my under garments and most of my favorite shirts and pants. I would have to go shopping for nicer clothes. In a smaller bag I put my pajamas and sweatshirts.
With my bags packed and my emotions in check, well… for the time being, I get in bed and pray that sleep takes me fast.
Any constructive feed back is appreciated, i'm a bit of practice when it comes to writing.
