Saturday, August 1, 2009
Dear Diary,
It's Saturday, it's noon, and we don't know where Jeremy is. He left last night and hasn't come home. He's not answering his phone.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Dear Diary,
When Jeremy came home late last night (very late last night), I was waiting on the stairs. Aunt Jenna was in her room, actually able to sleep while he was missing. I wouldn't let him past until he told me where he'd been. Yes, I raised my voice and woke up Jenna. Jeremy went to his room and slammed the door.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Dear Diary,
I'm actually afraid to leave the house, because I know he won't be here when I get home. Not only am I afraid to leave, but I'm constantly listening for the sound of the front or back door opening and closing.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jenna keeps saying, "This is normal teenage behavior, Elena."
But it isn't normal teenage behavior. Both of our parents died. Nothing is normal anymore. And I'm so afraid that what Jeremy does now, and how we deal with it, is going to affect the rest of his life.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie came over today, smelling like chlorine. She noticed how worried and distracted I was. We heard Jeremy wake up, and she said, "Let me talk to him."
So she went upstairs and came back about ten minutes later. He wouldn't really talk to her; he just kept muttering that everything was okay. She said that he probably needs to see a therapist. Well, good luck getting him to go.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Dear Diary,
When Jenna came home I ran the idea of finding a therapist past her. She said, "Well, I'll see if I can find one."
So does that mean she's going to do it, or not? I'm so sick of her saying, "Well, I'll see," and then brushing everything off like it's no big deal.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy was in a (relatively) good mood today. So I told him that I thought we could agree on at least one thing: that he always has his phone with him and when I call him, he answers. He said, "Okay." Hopefully, that means he's going to. If not, I'm not going to let him out of the house at night, if I have to barricade the doors.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie and I went to the Grill. After we ate, we walked down the street and saw Jeremy and Ethan and a couple of other guys standing on the curb. As we got closer, he stepped back into the shadows. Then a police car stopped and Sheriff Forbes got out. She went up to Jeremy, so I ran down the sidewalk to see what was going on, and there Jeremy stood with an open beer in his hand. Caroline's mom was all sarcastic and said, "I assume you have your I.D. with you?"
I said, "Please, Mrs. Forbes," making sure to call her "Mrs. Forbes" to emphasize the fact that we know each other and her daughter's my friend. I reminded her that our parents just died, and kept repeating that I wouldn't let him do it again. I told her that Jenna was finding a therapist for him, and I really wouldn't let him do it again. So she took the beer away from him and said, "This time, I'll let you go." Then she looked around at his friends and said, "Only this time."
I kept repeating, "Thank you, Mrs. Forbes," and she left. Then Jeremy just walked off, and Bonnie and I drove home.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Dear Diary,
I told Jenna about what happened, and about me telling Caroline's mom that we were looking for a therapist. Now I think Jenna might actually look for a therapist. Jeremy came into the room while we were talking and said, "You're just as screwed up as I am, Elena."
It's like he thinks I'm insulting him, or something. I'm actually trying to help.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning and saw a robin on my windowsill, and I felt positive. I walked down the hall and saw Jeremy asleep in his bed, and felt even better.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jenna found an adolescent psychologist and set up an appointment. When we told Jeremy about it, he said, "I don't need a shrink."
Yeah, you do. The only way we talked him into going was by telling him that he would only have to go one time, and if he doesn't want to, he won't have to go back.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Dear Diary,
I turned on the TV and heard Jenna's voice, from the kitchen, go, "Oh God, turn it off."
I asked why. Nothing was on but the local news, and all they were talking about was potholes being fixed or something like that.
"Logan Fell, Logan Fell!" She was actually covering her eyes with her hands. Then she said, "Didn't you know that we used to go out?"
Really? My very own aunt went out with a local news anchor. I can't believe it. So I asked her why they broke up, and she said, "He's a cheater."
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jenna took the day off to drive Jeremy to his first (and most likely last) therapy session. I was so nervous the whole time they were gone that all I could do was obsessively-compulsively update my Facebook page. When they finally came home, I asked him how it went. All he said was, "That guy's a dick."
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy went out last night, and Bonnie came over. I tried calling him three times but he never answered. When he came home in the middle of the night (early, for him), he said that he turned off his phone at the movies and forgot to turn it back on.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy and Jenna and I actually sat down and had dinner in the dining room tonight. I wanted to talk about some things, and my little brother explained to me that the reason why I'm "obsessing over" everything he does is because it's my way of neglecting my own problems. Just one therapy session, and all of a sudden he's Dr. Phil.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Dear Diary,
I spent the day wondering if there might be some truth in what Jeremy said. Jenna keeps talking about how she wouldn't be ready to parent an infant if she had one, and now she suddenly has to parent two teenagers, while also dealing with losing her sister and moving away from her job and her friends. I kind of feel like when my parents died, I immediately stopped being Jeremy's sister and became his mother/father. And I don't know how to be either. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie didn't have to work today, so we spent the day driving to the mall to buy clothes for school. We ate lunch and shopped and talked.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy went to the pool, and I almost started to go with him, but I realized that I didn't want to see Matt. So I walked to the cemetery to write in my diary. I don't think I've ever felt more sad, or more alone, than I do right now.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy didn't come home last night, and he didn't answer his phone. At some point, I stopped waiting and fell asleep. I woke up early and he wasn't here. Jenna had to leave for work. I was in the backyard, lying on a towel reading Pride and Prejudice, when I heard a car in the driveway. I walked around the house and saw Matt.
He saw me but he didn't say anything. He walked around the car and opened the door. I walked down the driveway and saw Jeremy, passed out in the backseat.
I asked, "Where did you find him?" and Matt said, "At my house. In Vicki's room," as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Between the two of us, we were able to lift him out of the car and get him inside and onto the couch. Then I asked Matt why he was in Vicki's room, and he said, "You didn't know they were going out?"
I still don't know if I believe it. Then Matt had to add, "Yeah, they're sleeping together."
Okay, that's nice. Before he left, I asked him if Vicki really was into drugs, like everyone says, and his reply was, "I don't even know everything she does."
Friday, August 21, 2009
Dear Diary,
Jeremy's currently in his room, just him and his hangover. When Jenna came home yesterday and saw him on the couch, she didn't seem particularly upset. I told her about Vicki Donovan, and she said, "Kelly's daughter?"
The one and only. So Jenna said that Kelly used to be her babysitter, and she was sure I was worrying for nothing. Then, in hilarious detail, she told me about how Kelly introduced her to the fine art of smoking pot under the bleachers. How silly of me to worry.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Dear Diary,
At about noon today, Jeremy came downstairs and poured himself a bowl of cereal. So I sat down next to him and told him that we needed to talk. Jenna was outside working on Mom's flower beds.
I told him I knew about him and Vicki, and asked him why he had been keeping their relationship a secret. He said, "Because we don't have a 'relationship,' we just see each other, and it's none of your business anyway."
If he's going to be coming home passed out in someone's car, it is my business. I couldn't bring myself to mention Matt's revelation about them sleeping together, and I guess maybe that part of the story really isn't my business.
So I tried to explain to him that this is how people become addicts. Something bad happens in their life, and instead of dealing with it, they find a way to mask the pain. I asked him if he would at least tell me what kind of drugs Vicki does, and he said, "I don't know, some kind of pills."
I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't do drugs with her. Alcohol is one thing, but putting some illegal substance inside your body that you don't even know the name of is another. He said he wouldn't, but can I trust him? I wish Mom and Dad were here.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Dear Diary,
Caroline left to spend a couple of weeks at her dad's house. I talked to Bonnie today, and suggested we go to the pool, but she didn't want to, seeing as she works there. So we just hung out at her house. We were watching TV, and when a promo for the news came on, I said, "My aunt used to go out with him."
Bonnie said, "With Logan Fell, really?"
Mm-hmm. And he was a cheater.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie thinks I need a new boyfriend. She claims I was happier when I was going out with Matt. But the last thing I'd want to do now is go out with someone just to be going out with someone. I don't want a boyfriend unless I really like him and want to be with him.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Dear Diary,
I'm at the cemetery. When I walked inside, I had this really weird feeling that someone was watching me. I looked around, and no one was there.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Dear Diary,
This morning, while Jeremy was watching TV, I noticed the state of his room. I started picking things up, and found four hundred-dollar bills in a drawer. So I ran downstairs with it and showed it to him and said, "You're not actually selling drugs!"
He denied it at first, but I asked him where the money came from, and he admitted that Vicki's dealer had given him some pills that he had decided to sell to Vicki's druggie friends. So I told him that if he gets caught, actually selling drugs is kind of a big deal. It's not like being caught with a beer. He's actually going to go to prison. He just kept telling me to leave him alone.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Dear Diary,
When Jenna came home last night, I showed her the four hundred dollars, which is now sitting on a shelf in the kitchen. She went upstairs to talk to him, but I doubt she did any good. I kept asking her what we should do and what we were going to do with the money, and she kept saying she didn't know.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dear Diary,
I went to the park today, to go jogging and clear my mind, and when I got home, Jeremy was gone, and so was the four hundred dollars. He's not answering his phone. It's now 4:56, and Jenna should be home soon. I'm going to call Bonnie. Maybe between the three of us, we can figure out what to do.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Dear Diary,
Well, he came home last night, and appeared to be sober. Bonnie said that the first thing to do is to keep him from seeing Vicki, or anyone else who uses or deals drugs. Jenna, ever the optimist, said, "Good luck in keeping a teenage boy away from an older girl who's willing to screw him."
Yeah, I happened to mention that.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Dear Diary,
When Jeremy woke up today, I tried to talk to him. He just kept telling me to leave him alone and worry about my own problems. I asked him what he did with the money, and he wouldn't tell me.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Dear Diary,
Less than two weeks left of summer. I'm really worried about what's going to happen when school starts. I've got exactly ten days to solve all my problems.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dear Diary,
I decided to confront Vicki. So I went to The Grill, and saw her at the bar and said, "We need to talk."
She was just totally dismissive and said, "Elena, is it? I'm working."
So I went out to the parking lot and stood by the car for two hours until The Grill closed and she came outside. I walked to her, while she was digging in her purse for her keys, and she said, "What do you want?"
So I said, "I want to know what you've been doing with Jeremy."
She just kept walking, so I blurted out, "What kind of pills do you take?"
She laughed and said, "Whatever Jeremy gets for me."
"Well, where's he getting them?"
She was at her car, and said, "I don't know, some guy."
"You have to know," I said. She slammed the car door and started the motor. Her window was open, so I asked, "Is that why you're sleeping with him? Are you prostituting yourself for drugs?"
I seriously thought she was going to run me over right then. But she just peeled out of the parking lot, her tires screeching, and sped down the street.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Dear Diary,
So, all along I'd thought that Jeremy met Vicki, they started going out, and she introduced him to her dealer and all her stoner friends. But it turns out he met the town drug-supplier first, whoever he may be, and through him started dealing and that led to going out with Vicki. Who, by the way, would not have anything to do with him if it weren't for the drugs, and therefore is a prostitute.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dear Diary,
This afternoon I was in the kitchen when Jeremy came home, shouting my name. I ran into the hall and he said, "Did you say something to Vicki?"
I didn't say what I wanted to say to her, which is to stay away from my brother. So he kept shouting, "I hate you!" and "Stay out of my life!" and then he ran upstairs and slammed the door.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Dear Diary,
I'm at the cemetery. Jeremy's not speaking to me. Jenna's no help, and Bonnie just keeps saying she doesn't know what to do.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Dear Diary,
I've been informed by Bonnie that Caroline's back. I really don't want to see her, and I don't care if we hang out at school or not.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Dear Diary,
Great news: Vicki dumped Jeremy (and it's "all your fault, Elena!")!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie called me and told me about a party Tyler's having tonight. "I wasn't sure if you'd want to go, because..."
Because we have to drive over Wickery Bridge to get there. I told her that I'm fine with it. I can't live in terror for the rest of my life. So, tonight represents the transition from sad Elena to...well, hopeful Elena, anyway. I'm going to ask Jeremy if he wants to come.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Dear Diary,
Bonnie picked Jeremy and me up last night, and we drove to the party. When we crossed the bridge, no one said anything. As we drove further into the woods, we saw a bonfire and quite a few cars. We parked and got out, and Jeremy immediately disappeared.
A radio played, and some people danced. I didn't see Caroline, or Matt (strangely enough). Brody Schultz was sort of semi-flirting with me, but his breath smelled like beer so I doubt he really meant it. After a while, another carful of people arrived, and I heard someone say, "There's some crazy guy on the bridge. I think he's going to jump off."
I immediately looked around for Jeremy but didn't see him. So I found Bonnie and asked her if she knew where he was, and she shrugged helplessly. I dropped my soda and ran to the road.
It was totally, totally dark, and I was running as fast as I could. The road really didn't seem that long when we were driving. Just when I thought I was close and would see some lights, I'd see another dark stretch ahead.
Finally, I saw the bridge. Jeremy had climbed over the railing, and stood on the bridge, looking down at the water. I tried to call his name but I was out of breath. I ran to the bridge.
I didn't think he even noticed me, but when I ran to him he said, "Just leave me alone, Elena."
I was holding onto the railing, trying to catch my breath. I looked down at the dark water. Then I said, "Climb back over. Let's go home."
He was muttering kind of incoherently, and I was breathing so hard that I could barely hear him. He said something about wanting to die at the same place as Mom and Dad, so that he'd go to the same place they did. I walked to him and grabbed his arm. I told him that he couldn't do it, simply because I'm barely hanging on as it is, and I can't take another death. I saw headlights behind us, and heard a car door open and shut.
I said, "Thursday's the first day of school. I can't miss it to go to another funeral. I just can't."
He finally looked at me. I pulled his arm, and he climbed back over the rail. Then he collapsed onto his hands and knees and I collapsed beside him. I was digging my hands into his arm and his back, afraid to let go.
We stayed like that for a while, not saying anything. Then we helped each other stand up. We walked down the bridge, where Bonnie waited in her car. We got inside and drove home.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Dear Diary,
I'm sitting on the porch, waiting for Bonnie. We're going shopping for school supplies. Jeremy's still asleep.
Things are going to be all right this year. I know they will. I'm in charge of my mind and my emotions, and I have Bonnie and Jenna to support me. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow.
