Chapter 20: Guilt
Seeing him here, hearing him say what he said tore Ran's world apart. She has doubted her won mind, has questioned her sanitiy and even went as far as to consider the possibility of having assaulted Conan when she lost consciousness. But never has she even thought of the possibility for Shinichi to not believe in her. He certainly would NEVER say something like this behind her back. He would talk to her, try to convince her of a therapy or something along does lines, maybe he would even force her to attend one, but he would never betray her like that.
"You are not Shinichi!", Ran spat out, glaring down at the man who pretended to be her best friend.
"Ran?! What are you talking about? Don't you recognize me." The false high school detective tried to lure her in, "Please, we can talk about this just cease your resistance. You could get hurt.", the worry and affection in his voice nearly convincing her.
"He is damn good.", Ran realized, but not falling for the imitation, "How could you ever think so lowly of me? I may like children, but that isn't something I can decide! How could you ever believe I would assault somebody, especially the people close to me?"
"Ran, please, look at the facts, the evidence…" Shinichi pointed out, but Ran just wished it away, interrupting him with loud voice, "Evidence!? Facts!? Where was all that when you decide to investigate a murder even after the culprit has confessed? You would never believe something, you haven't verified yourself, so why start now?"
"But Ran the video, Conan's story. What else could it be?" the doppelganger demanded, asking the question Ran had awaited, "I don't know!", she shoot back, "And it isn't my job to figure that out, you are the detective! You are the Shinichi Kudo who was chased away from every crime scene, during the first months of his career, but despite that, never backed down from the case. You are the Shinichi Kudo who proclaimed that he would always pursue the truth. You are the Shinichi Kudo who said he was my friend," Ran had to take in a deep breath before she screamed the next part as loud as she could, "AND HE WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME LIKE THAT!"
Her little speech did have a strong impact on everyone in the room and the resulting silence lasted for nearly 30 seconds. But despite the strong front Ran showed, she was faltering in her mind. The little drops of doubt only grew bigger, questioning everything about her.
"Ran…", the fake Shinichi started again, "I really thought you would understand. I really thought you yourself knew what is wrong with you. However if you don't see it yourself, then I really can't help you."
Turning around, slowly walking towards the exit, he directed his words over at the inspector who stood next to him, "Please take good care of her, she will need it."
These final words should have broken her, the rejection of everything they had experienced together, even rejecting his own methods was too much. But she didn't break down, she didn't succumb to doubt and guilt but instead her blood started to boil. A rage she never knew before overcame her.
Like an insatiable flame, the furry sweep away everything else inside of her, leaving only a burning hell behind, turning everything into ashes.
"This despicable copy-cat", she roared inside of her head, jaw tightening and teeth clenching, "This fucking con artist, dares to disgrace Shinichi in front of all those people."
While all eyes were still levelled at the detective, Ran hollered, "STOP RIGHT THERE YOU DAMN DISGRACE OF A DETECTIVE!" and her word's impact was undeniable.
The Shinichi clone turned around, eyes filled with unimaginable pain and suffering, and focused Ran with his blue eyes.
"Ran, please, don't do this. Think of what you are about to do.", he pledged to her, face twisted in hurt and sorrow.
Ran wanted to scream, wanted to let all her anger out on him, but seeing him with this look on his face reminded her to much of Conan. Slowly the boiling hot anger gave way to cold despair and loneliness.
"This is not fair!" she started to whimper, her hands shaking, "Why? Why are you here? Why isn't he here?"
Confusion creep upon the face of the detective in front of her, but Ran didn't pay any attention to it.
"He should know about this, see it in the news or hear it from somebody, but why isn't he here? Why hasn't he even called? Am I really that worthless to him?"
Slowly getting what her rambling meant, Shinichi in front of her spoke up, "He hasn't called because there is nobody that could call. I stand here, in front of you and I have seen what you became, while I was gone. It may seem heartless of me, but…" stifling a small sob, he interrupted his explanation and Ran could not else but look at him, "but, Ran. I feel too. And you have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to lose faith in you, didn't want to doubt you. But I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take to see you look after kids with those sorts of eyes. Those eyes, Ran. They haunt me in my sleep. I always thought they only shone for me, but to find out that they are not just for somebody else, but for EVERY freaking child you see, is a blow I couldn't take."
Now tears were running down his face, discarding any possibility of him being an imposter. Only the real Shinichi could cry like this and the tears broke Ran's heart, like they always did and always would.
"But why…", she started, her voice shaking and failing" Why do you just leave?"
"Because I don't want to see you like this, I want to remember how you really are, how you smile and laugh.", Shinichi nearly choked at his own tears, but he continued tenaciously, now raising his head to look her in the eyes, "I want to wait for you to come back, I want to give you the chance to gather yourself once more, but if you can't, then I'll need time to forget your old self and meet the new you."
His teary smile and the words of comfort and trust overpowered Ran. Every suspicion she had was gone, every flickering flame of hatred died.
"How could I lose myself that much?" she asked herself again, "Why am I such an idiot?"
But under all those feelings of guilt and shame, there was a small thought, growing steadily and Ran decided that this was the only thing that she really could do.
"It isn't fair." she breathed between her sobs, "I'm sorry for everything Shinichi, but you won't have to wait for me, never again!"
"Ran? What….?", he asked when Ran started to raise a handgun, she has taken from one of the police officers during her escape, a horrible realization dawning upon him, "NO! RAN! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
Dashing toward the stairs as fast as he could, Shinichi tried to reach Ran before the stupid girl could execute her plans.
"RAN! RAN!", his screams echoed through the hall.
"I'm sorry Shinichi, but this is the for the best", Ran said while crying, pointing the gun at her own head.
"NO RAN! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
"Goodbye, Shinichi, I've always loved you"
"RAN! RANNNNNNN!"
She squeezed the trigger, and everything vanished.
It felt like she was floating in nothingness, her mind filled with something long lost.
Peace.
"RAN! HEY, RAN!", Shinichi's voice abruptly started to shout once again, disrupting the silence and tearing her consciences back from the brink of sleep. His voice sounded more jarring, but the horror and fear were still there, maybe even stronger than before.
Suddenly she could feel somebody grabbing her shoulders, starting to shake her violently. She wanted to fight the attacker of, but despite all her attempts, the person wouldn't loosen his grip.
"RAN! RAN!"
The shouts started to get louder and louder, till Ran couldn't bare it anymore. She just wanted to rest, to be relived of all the bad things that happened. Hasn't she done the best for hers and Shinichi's sake? But why was there still this dreading feeling, like there was something she had missed, something she still had to do. And with every shouting of her name, the feeling grew stronger and stronger. She didn't want to die, there were so many things left to do, so many words left to say and so many questions left to answer.
She couldn't really say what it was, but she knew there was someone waiting.
Waiting for her.
"I want to live" she managed to whimper and tried to fight off the trance that slowly came over her, Shinichi's cries of her name leading the way like a bell. The darkness tried to drag her back, to keep her from reaching the tiny light she could see now, but she pushed through. With aching limbs and numb senses, she stumbled into the light and then suddenly she could open her eyes.
The sight of a ceiling, she remembered seeing before, greeted her.
"Oh right, it's the ceiling of our living room" her brain finally recalled, "and the soft object underneath me is our couch."
"Ran?" somebody breath out in relief, right beside her head.
Slowly she turned her head to look at the person and it only took a moment for her to recognize the face she now saw.
Behind two pieces of glass, a pair of widened sky-blue orbs peered at her, displaying great worry and fear. Slowly, Ran blinked and spoke out the name of the person she thought she lost forever.
"Conan-kun?"
As always all right go to Gosho Aoyama, the original creator of the Detective Conan Universe.
Questions and review are highly requested and if you want to know how the story continues leave a follow.
I hope you liked it so far and are thrilled for more.
Farewell
