Elizabeth, although she had promised silence, could not help but say, "I do accept your apology, Mr Darcy, but I still find it hard to believe you developed a tendre for me when my behaviour to you was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and I never spoke to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not. How do you account for it, sir?"
"I realised before the evening was out that you were a beautiful woman, with the most engaging eyes I had ever seen, but I was wary of mere physical attraction. What if you were a dullard, or a shrew? What if you were mercenary or selfish or mean? I cautioned myself to show no interest, so as not to raise expectations. Having overheard your mother already speculating on the prospects of your elder sister winning Bingley's hand, I knew that the slightest indication of my admiration for you would immediately lead to similar machinations toward me. I would not cause such rumours about either of us when I knew so little of you.
"When you came to care for your sister at Netherfield, I learned that you were indeed a gentlewoman of the highest calibre, but at the same time I learned more of your family, and I worried that my own family would be disappointed should I align myself with someone with close connections to trade and with no dowry to speak of. All those years of being hunted had inflated my pride – I saw myself as a great catch, and thought all the benefit of a match would be on your side.
"And yet I could not help myself. Whenever we were in company I found myself transfixed by your beauty, charm and intelligence. I was a lost cause, but still I told myself I should conceal my admiration until I was certain of my course. I had resolved to offer for your hand the night of the ball at Netherfield. But when we danced, your mention of that reprobate Wickham angered and confused me. I could not understand how he had managed to win the affections of the woman I loved.
"For the first time, I began to suspect that you might not hold me in high regard. That gave me the strength to leave, and I joined Bingley on his trip to town the next morning. I thought that once I had left you behind, I would be able to forget you – to conquer this strange passion that had seized my heart.
"What a fool I was. I could no more forget you than I could stop my heart from beating. I longed to rush back to your side and beg you to marry me. I even considered doing so in front of your mother, for I was sure she would give you little choice but to agree. But I knew you would never be happy to have your choice taken away from you, and I could not bear the thought of making you unhappy. So I stayed away.
"Then I came to Kent only to find you here at the very doorstep of my aunt's estate. I have suffered such agonies, thinking that you were indifferent to me and not knowing how to change your opinion. I knew Wickham must have told you enough lies about me to make you doubt me, and every time I was in your presence I found myself too tongue-tied to speak more than the most inane platitudes.
"But in all that time it never occurred to me that you might not have discerned my interest, or that you thought my silence arose from dislike! On the contrary, it is my great affection for you that leaves me without words.
"I could see that my presence made you uneasy, and again and again I would resolve to spare you my attentions, but I was always drawn back to the bittersweet joy of spending time in your presence, even if I could not speak what was in my heart. Whenever my emotions became more than I could control, I would come to this place and tell you of my love. Safe from all ears, I could be as eloquent here as I am tongue-tied in your company. I was so used to imagining you here that when I heard you passing, it was as though my imaginings had borne life. What I said was an unforgivable breach of propriety. I beg you to understand I truly thought myself speaking to a phantom.
"That is the full truth, Miss Elizabeth. I make no demands on you. If you cannot forgive my trespasses, I will quite understand. Nor are you under any obligation to share my affections. I offer them freely and with no expectation of return. Indeed, you may treat this entire episode as some strange delusion, if you prefer. If it is your wish, I will leave for town in the morning, and you need never see me again. But I could not bear to think of you somewhere in the world, thinking that I do not like you: nothing could be further from the truth."
Having finished his narrative, he stood nervously in front of her, waiting for her answer. Elizabeth took some minutes to consider his words. Several times she made to speak, only to catch herself before a word had crossed her lips and fall back into silence. Eventually, she rose and gestured to the branch on which she had been resting.
"Take a seat, Mr Darcy. I have listened patiently to your surprising declarations, and now I ask that you hear me out in similar manner."
© 2017
