I don't know why I always react like this... it's a valid question but still, I know this pain will never go away completely.
"Ana?" I tense when I hear Christian behind me and wipe the tears from my face.
"Now is not a good time to fight, Christian."
"I'm not here to fight... I'm just curious why you reacted like that. You said yourself that you want more kids with Elliot." He says even though the last bit of his sentence sounded as though he had swallowed something nasty tasting.
"I do... but it's not that easy."
"Why, you got pregnant the first time we had sex." He says and I smile.
"I did... just like I did the second time we had sex." I finally admit and it is like a weight that after all these years has been lifted off my shoulders.
"What do you mean... I don't understand."
"When I left Canada, I was pregnant again, Christian. I didn't know it at the time..."
"What happened?" He asks and sits down next to me where I close my eyes and remember one of the most painful moments of my life.
- Flashback 5 years earlier -
I have been back in Bellevue for a month now and I feel horrible. I knew a broken heart hurts, but not that it can make a person physically sick. To me it does just that. I can barely keep any food down, look horrible and feel even worse. I'm also exhausted to the point where I want to just stay in bed all day. Of course, I can't do that and try to act normal around CJ, but really, I feel like absolute shit.
Thankfully, today my dad has taken CJ on a fishing trip, so I don't have to get up.
"Ana darling, I've made you some herbal tea and oatmeal. Do you want to try to eat at least a little bit?" I hear my mom ask and look up at her while still being curled up around my pillow.
"No, I can't eat right now."
"Alright, I got you something else too... here." She says and hands me a pregnancy test kit. Taking it I want to argue that I can't be pregnant but think better of it. I feel the same I felt when I was pregnant with CJ and didn't realize it because I was so messed up due to Christian's disappearance.
Could it be? I mean I'm a couple of days late, but then again I'm always late when I'm stressed so this is nothing new. Plus, we have used protection this time... I want to say there is no way I can be pregnant but the more I think about it the more obvious the symptoms are to me.
"Oh my god, Mom... do you think I'm pregnant?"
"Well, it wouldn't surprise me, but we won't know until you've done the test." My mom says gently, so I get up and make my way to the bathroom with her.
Since I never had to do a test before, I always thought these things needed a few minutes to show a clear result, but as soon as I'm off the toilet and have washed my hands I can already see the result. Two pink lines meaning I am pregnant again.
"Honey you are having a baby!" My mom says cheerfully and I burst into tears and not happy ones.
"Ana, what is wrong?"
"What is wrong? Mom! This is a disaster. I mean, Christian is in Canada, and he already picked his mother over CJ and I... he lied to me... he is not going to be around to help me. I mean what am I going to do now, I'm fresh out of college I'll never find a job pregnant... no, now I'm right back where I started... pregnant, on my own, only now I have CJ who needs me too. I don't get it, Mom... we used protection... „
"Ana, darling you need to calm down, and you are not alone you have me and your dad is going to be there for you as well. You are a bright young woman and you will find a job. And Christian, he will come around. Just call him and I promise you, he will be here to help you."
"No he won't, Mom. I asked him to be with me... even after I found out that he basically forgot all about me the second he arrived in Canada, and he chose to stay. He didn't want to be with me or CJ... he chose her and I'm not going to use my unborn child to force him to be with me. I'm worth more than that and so is my child!" I snap and leave the bathroom.
"Ana, he has a right to know."
"I know, Mom and I will tell him. Just not today. I need some time to think this through, so I will call him after I've seen a doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed."
"I can make you an appointment with my doctor if you like, she is very nice."
"That would be great, Mom. But please, next week. I just need a few days to myself and it's so early she might not even be able to see the baby on the ultrasound if I go in now."
"I'll call her office now for an appointment next week, but please darling, try to eat at least a bit, it's not just you anymore, you know?"
"I know." I whisper and watch my mom leave before I curl up around my pillow and sob my heart out.
It's not that I don't want more children, I always dreamed of having at least four kids but the timing is absolutely wrong and now I'm going to be a single mom of two kids which will make it even harder to find a job. I could take my professor up on his offer and go back to Boston... but I would have to tell him that I'm pregnant and with that I'm sure my chance of getting the job will be gone. And then there is Christian, I know I have to tell him but I know it won't make him choose us... it will only show me more how much he has been brainwashed by his mother to become his puppet.
More so, I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore, not if he isn't realizing what he wants on his own. And what kind of future would we even have... it would probably end in a tug of war between Grace and myself because I cannot and will not allow her to drag my children into the toxic situation she has created for her family.
No, I need to do this myself. I have no idea how, but I know I can do it. Millions of women can do it without having supporting parents and financial security as I do. And CJ will have a sibling close in age to grow up with.
Five days later I had my doctors appointment. So far, only my parents know and I have planned on staying in Seattle to raise my children here, close to my family. All that is left to do now is to tell Christian which is what I want to do tomorrow. With CJ, I want to wait until I start showing, so it will be easier for him to understand that his little brother or sister is growing in my belly.
Still, the thought of soon having two children without Christian by my side is scaring me. Inside, I'm still holding on to hope that he will come around and just show up here in Bellevue, but I know he won't. He made his choice and I have to learn how to live with it.
After CJ went to bed my parents are watching him for me, so I can meet with Elliot. Mia is staying with a friend and Elliot and I just like to go for walks and talk though I haven't told him either.
"Penny for your thoughts?" He says when walk to a nearby ice cream parlor.
"I'm pregnant." I blurt out and he stops and looks at me.
"Christian's baby?"
"Yes."
"Wow, congratulations... does he know?"
"No, I'm going to call him tomorrow."
"Do you think he'll come around and finally leave his bat shit crazy mother?" He asks and I smile sadly.
"No, I wasn't enough and CJ wasn't enough for him to leave either... the baby changes nothing for him, it just means that I'm going to be a single mom of two."
"You know, I'll always be just a phone call away, Ana banana... if my brother doesn't man up then I'm here to make sure your kids get all the male attention they'll ever need."
"That's sweet of you, Elliot, but you have Mia, your girlfriend, your company and the trial against Carrick..."
"I know, well make that ex-girlfriend, Sam and I just didn't work out, she always wanted to come first and right now I can't give her that... but I want to be a part of CJ's life and the baby's life as well. So, whatever you or your kids need, just call me and I'll be there." He says and I hug him.
"Thank you."
Later that night, long after I had gone to bed I wake up with horrible pains in my lower belly and the feel of wetness on my sheets. At first, I try to get up but when I can't I call out for my parents who come running into my bedroom and turn the light on.
"Annie, what is wrong, talk to me." My Dad says while my mom steps closer with a look of dread on her face and pulls the duvet away revealing the puddle of blood I am lying in.
"Ray, call an ambulance, now." She says urgently and ignoring the blood pulls me into her arms where I start to sob.
And from there it is all kind of a blur, the EMT's, me being rushed to the hospital and the old doctor telling me that I just miscarried and need to stay overnight due to the blood loss.
It's already morning but I haven't slept at all and all I truly want is Christian... even after everything that has happened, so I take my phone from the nightstand and dial his number... however it isn't him who picks up the phone. It's his mom.
"Listen to me, you little bitch you made my son unhappy and took my grandson away from me, don't you ever call him again!" She hisses into the phone and hangs up.
For a second I'm shocked and don't know what to do and then I remember what Elliot told me last night, so I dial his number.
"Hey Ana banana, I'm on my way to a building site, but if you want to I can stop by at your place first and take you and the little guy out for breakfast." He says cheerfully and I start to cry.
"Ana, what is wrong?"
"I... I... lost the baby."
"I'm on my way, are you at the hospital?"
"Yes." I get out and not even fifteen minutes later he is there and never leaves my side for weeks until eventually I find my smile again...
- End of Flashback -
"I'm so sorry, Ana."
"Don't, please. I don't want your pity... it happened a long time ago."
"Do you want more kids?"
"When Elliot and I moved in here last year, we decided to have a baby... we tried for ten months and it didn't happen. Two months ago we decided to take a break from trying... so yes, I do want more children."
"You really want to have kids with Elliot?" He asks looking crestfallen.
"Of course, we love each other, have a good relationship, and we want CJ to have siblings."
"Well, shouldn't I be the dad then?" He snaps and I roll my eyes.
"Any kids that you or I are going to have will be a sibling for CJ. It doesn't mean you and I have to have a child."
"I guess then I'm too late, right? You've replaced me with my brother."
"Christian, I didn't replace you, I gave you a choice and you decided to chose your mom..."
"It wasn't a fucking choice, Ana. I couldn't leave her, she was very sick and I know we have handled the situation all wrong but I can't change what happened."
"I know, but what you can do is to live with the choices you have made. You can't just show up after five years and expect me to end a relationship I am happy in to be with someone I hardly know anymore."
"You know me better than anyone..."
"Please don't say that, we were children Christian back when I knew you and even then you kept things from me."
"That is not true."
"But it is, you never told me what Elena was doing to you or that you had been in contact with your mom... but that's not the point... the point is that I am happy, and I am asking you to leave me alone and not ruin this for me." I say, and he starts to pace and runs his hands through his hair.
"I wouldn't even be able to ruin this for you if there wasn't a part of you that's still in love with me... which means there is a way for me to win you back." He says and I sigh.
"You are the father of my son and as such I will always love you, I will also always love the boy you once were but I'm no longer in love with you. I'm in love with Elliot and the sooner you accept that the better for all of us. I moved on, Christian and now it's your turn to do the same." I tell him and turn around to walk out of the room, but he stops me by grabbing my arm.
"No, you are mine." He hisses at me and much to my shock tries to kiss me.
"Stop it... let go of me..." I try to get out of his grip, but he isn't having it until I have no choice but to slap him, which shocks him enough to let go of me.
"Leave my house, now!" I yell at him and that has Elliot rushing into the room.
"What is going on, Ana?"
"Christian just wanted to leave, right Christian?" I ask, and he has the nerve to smirk at me.
"Actually, no and after you've slapped me I think you really owe me the kiss I wanted to have a few seconds ago."
"What the fuck? What is wrong with you? I'll give you five seconds to leave or I'll drag your ass out here myself." Elliot hisses and I can see the vein on his forehead pop out and tick, a clear sign that he is about to get into a fight.
"Oh come on, you know she truly wants to be with me and I know it too, the sooner she figures it out the better for everyone." Christian says arrogance personified and I have to use all my strength to hold Elliot back.
"Great so now you've turned from a complete momma's boy into an arrogant prick... believe me that's nothing I find attractive either at this point the only thing you have going for you are your good looks and even those can't hide the fact that you are an asshole on a good day, just leave you've already managed to ruin this evening, so I'd say you got what you wanted." I hiss at him and finally he turns around and leaves.
"Come, let's sit down for a moment... I'm sorry, inviting him was a horrible idea." I murmur and curl up on Elliot's lap when he sits down.
"Ana, I need to know one thing... do you want to be with him?"
"What? No! I love you... is that what you think? That I will go back to him?"
"The thought has crossed my mind." He murmurs and I want to shake him, but instead cup his face in my hands and look into his beautiful eyes.
"I love you, Elliot Grey... yes, there was a time in my life where all I wanted was to be with Christian but that's not what I want now. He kept secrets, lied and didn't put me and his son first when he should have done so. Just because he has decided that now he wants me back doesn't mean he can have me. And he can't because I made my choice two years ago when I fell in love with you and decided to spend the rest of my life with you. So, you better stop thinking that I will leave you for him because it is not going to happen. What Christian and I had was a childhood love, what you and I have is the real deal, got it?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, babe... it's just even I always pictured you being with him and him being back just made me feel insecure... it's stupid, can you forgive me?" He says and I kiss him.
"But only this once... you don't have to doubt me, Elliot. You are not a second choice for me, you are my forever, it's that simple."
"I love you so much, Ana... the thought of losing you scares me."
"You are not going to lose me. I'm right here and I always will be." I say and it's true, when I was fifteen I thought Christian was my forever, when I was twenty-one I was obsessed with getting what we had back only to lose him again and realize that the perfect image of Christian I had created was never real and now at twenty-six I know what true love and a real relationship should be like and in Elliot I have found everything I have ever wanted. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner and above all he is my forever...
