Friday, January 17th, 2014.
Sorry it's late again! I can't believe every update since the break is late... I had a BREAK for goodness' sake! I should've had EXTRA chapters written! But NOOO, I just had to procrastinate!
And now I'm scrambling to write these chapters and more importantly, get my science fair project done... UGH. I hate Science Fair.
News/Fun Fact: As usual, I procrastinated for my Science Fair Project, so now I have a week and a half to do it, (I did part of it today, thank God), re-write my report for it, and get my board done.
My dad's coming back from Kenya the day after the project's due. (I thought he'd be back in March; he's probably visiting)
I saw Frozen a couple weeks ago. I don't think I told you. I liked it, but if I had to pick between it and Tangled, I prefer Tangled. Don't think I hate Frozen, though, okay! I quite enjoyed it, actually.
More News: I got hit with a huge burst of writing inspiration last week in English class, when writing a metaphor for a single-word prompt as an assignment, and I ended up writing good stuff, some of which were way too long. Even the poem I had to make out of one. Sooner or later, I'll revise them. Maybe I can morph some with the Naruto universe and re-write them as one-shots; maybe add them in a collection. And put the ones I owe you guys in the collection, too. Yeah... I think I'll do that.
Soon, every Saturday, for a couple hours, I'll be at a teacher's house tutoring underclassmen for volunteer hours, so that may mean later updates sometimes. (I often write a chapter on Saturday). But hopefully not.
I'm starting a new little section on the AN:
Next to Watch/Read List (not cemented, just ideas): (books & anime)
Kyoukai no Kanata
Fate/Stay Night and all to do with it
The Daily Lives of High School Boys
Looking for Alaska - John Green(book)
Currently Watching/Reading List:
The Lord of Opium - Nancy Farmer (sequel to House of the Scorpion)
Rec: This is already really long, so sorry, not this week. The Rec will be either Code Geass or The Lord of Opium (book).
Dedication: Osiria Rose, my new friend (and this is part of a late b-day present) and sora girlfriend and TehNicksterBoi, who are also my friends.
Disclaimer: IDNON.
GRR:
Saki haruno: Sure. :) I don't know when exactly I'll get around to it, but when I do, I'll leave a review.
Chloe: Thank you, and I will. :) Sorry it's late again. XP
Chapter Info:
Content: Gaara confronting Matsuri.
Warnings: Mild violence, kissing.
Romance: 100% GaaMatsu. Not even a mention of other couples.
Length w/o AN: ~5k+.
Length w/ AN: exactly 5.8k.
Chapter 45: Lies
Gaara POV
"Gaara-kun…?" Matsuri said groggily, sitting up in her bed and reaching for the lamp when I entered her room. Is all this true? Would she really lie to me like this?
I told you not to trust women, kiddo. So what are you going to do now? Kill her?
I scowled inwardly as I felt/saw in my head that Shukaku was grinning sinisterly. Quiet. It's annoying with you being good one moment and evil the next. Make up your mind.
I made my way to her bed, climbing in beside her and taking a sitting position, saying nothing.
"Gaara-kun?" Matsuri looked more awake now, and placed a hand on my cheek. "Is everything okay?"
My expression remained hard. I shook my head.
"Was it another nightmare?"
Another shake.
"Did someone say something?"
There was a pause before I nodded my head.
My… "girlfriend" tilted her head to the side. "What was it, Gaara-kun?"
I didn't speak for a moment, wondering what to say and how to approach this… But before I knew it, I was already talking. It just came out.
"You're a liar." Congrats, kiddo. You just blurted something out for the first time since you were six years old!
…. Man, that isso sad.
Shut up.
I regretted saying it almost instantly when I saw the hurt look on her faced.
I felt my heart clench at the expression, but I was calculative as I watched her expression morph into confusion, surprise, fear, shock, before going back to confusion and hurt again. …This confirms it. She knows what I'm talking about. I was right, but why do I feel so… odd?
You're hurt, dumbass. You feel guilty that you hurt her, but you also feel upset that she was lying to you. Betrayed. God, why is it that I got stuck with the job of your psychologist?!
"Gaara-k-kun…"
My heart felt like it dropped.
"You're not denying it." My voice was flat. I felt my body heat up and the tips of my ears burn.
I was angry. Furious.
"Why aren't you denying it?!" I yelled.
She flinched, surprised and likely afraid of my outburst. My heart twisted again at the thought of her being afraid of me, but I the anger I had from her lying to me all this time was stronger than my guilt.
She had pretended to be someone she was not. She has a secret goal that she hasn't told me. She knows about the dreams I have, of me dying, yet she wouldn't explain. All she could do was cry and try to comfort me. That conniving little-…!
"Gaara-kun…" her eyes softened and she brought her hand to my cheek. Only then did I realize I was crying. Shukaku explained to me that I was feeling hurt, but I didn't allow myself to figure out just how hurt I was until Matsuri touched the first tears of mine since I had killed my own uncle. He betrayed me, too…
Is this all my life will amount to? Constant betrayals by the ones I trusted most?
In a situation like this, Shukaku normally would've taken over and Matsuri would be a pile of a mutilated human body by now, but with Shukaku's new personality, the only way for that to happen would be for me to do it in complete control of myself.
Which for some reason… I couldn't bring myself to do.
My fingers twitched -itching to do something- but they never did any more than just that: twitch.
I simply couldn't bring myself to hurt her.
And it was infuriating.
After what she's done… after betraying me, she still has such a hold on me! What is this? Was this her plan? What has she done to me!?
"Tell me! You owe me an explanation!" I barked at her, my face fully contorted in anger. "Explain to me how you know jutsu neither I nor Baki have ever taught you! Explain to me why you're stronger than just a normal genin! Explain to me what my dreams are! Tell me what you're hiding with Temari!"
With every order, I leaned in closer and closer until I was nearly spitting in her face. I was talking an uncharacteristic amount, but I was so angry, I didn't even notice.
"Tell me who you're working with!" I leaned into her so far I had pushed us off the bed and she collapsed first, hitting her head and side on the drawer before toppling onto the floor. I inwardly winced as I watched and heard it happen, but I ignored it as I fell on top of her closely after, thankfully not hitting myself on the drawer like she did.
Taking advantage of the situation, I got off of her, flipped her over onto her stomach and used sand to tie her legs together (tightly). I grabbed her arms and held them against her back harshly and painfully, grabbing them tightly at her small wrists.
I pulled at her short hair harshly and pulled her head back and turned it to face me. If I wanted, I could have easily crushed both her legs the way I crushed on of Rock Lee's in the Preliminaries, snapped her wrists, dislocated her shoulders, and snapped her neck from where I was.
But again, I couldn't hurt her any more than I already am. I kept trying to push myself to, but this was the best I could do right now. What is this control she has over me!?
Oh, I don't know. It could the one thing she's been throwing at you since forever – "love". You were already wondering if you were in love with her. This might confirm it.
That can't be! I-I… I can't fall in love! I'm a monster! There's no-… there's no way that can be right, Shukaku.
There goes Matsuri's hard work of trying to make you believe otherwise; that you were capable of love. But then again, her word isn't so trustworthy right now, is it? But come on, kid – this denial gets annoying after a while. Admit it, already. You like her at the very least.
I don't-...! I can't!
I shut him out (as best I could anyway; I tuned out the rest) as I began yelling at her again, questioning everything I had found suspicious with the guys, as well as things I've noticed on my own.
"And finally," I growled. "Why did you accept our offer that day?"
I was referring to when she had begun living with us; we found her on the streets, an orphan, when I was 9 and she was looking for whatever job she could find. Temari asked her if she was interested in being a living maid, with a week trial.
Now why would Temari ask a random street girl if she wanted to work for us?
Temari already had an ounce of trust in her – Matsuri wasn't quite the stranger.
She was seen around town often, and when I was much younger, I had encountered her in the playground. Both before and after The Day; when I was six and I became the dark and evil being I'm known for.
They were rare occasions, but she was kind to me in both. The only one to not run off… not even once.
Temari had also met her with her parents once, in the market. Kankuro and I had seen them around town as well, but I never bothered to remember them until I had become decent acquaintances with her.
Matsuri accepted immediately, and survived the week trial we gave her. She treated the house with respect and didn't let herself get very bothered by Kankuro's remarks and Temari's behavior.
She seemed to especially favor me, always sweet and caring. Even shy at times.
It was puzzling.
But soon we got accustomed to her and she became part of the family we never had. We may also thank her for the fact that us siblings were even remotely close to each other. If it wasn't for her insistence, we would be distant and near strangers to each other; or I would have killed them by now.
But she never once seemed truly afraid by how I was. Sure, she was scared sometimes – she's only human. But she didn't run away, try to kill me, poison us siblings, etc.. Never hurt us. Not once.
(Hitting Kankuro to scold him or playfully hitting him or Temari doesn't count.)
We let her go and relieved her of her job after a few years, setting up a place for her to live and everything, but she refused. She said she wanted to stay if she was welcome and continue to do chores around the house.
After her persistence, we gave in on the agreement that she was an equal to us and that she do less work than she normally did around the house. We'd rather she do none, but we all knew I wouldn't touch a thing; Kankuro would make a terrible housewife; and Temari can't do everything. So we let her do what she wished.
Her care for us; for me, was incredible. Odd. Incomprehensible (to me, at least).
And it both puzzled and fascinated me. She was a strange and different person. One I didn't know existed.
Then, I grew to care about her as a possession or maybe something almost like a friend. She belonged to me, and I somewhat trusted her.
Then, that day I fought Naruto came, and she told me she loved me.
I was happy; I was loved, despite everything.
She loved me, and she was genuine in all the years she's cared for me.
Until now, that is.
This is the ultimate betrayal!
As all these memories assaulted me, my anger almost completely dissipated. The fire that had motivated me disappeared, and with the last bit of it, I harshly turned Matsuri onto her back. I climbed over her and lazily but tightly gripped her wrists in mine and held them beside her head.
Her legs were still tied in my sand, but the hold was loosened. Not enough to free herself, but enough for oxygen to circulate properly.
I looked down at her from my upright position on her lower abdomen, only barely noticing the tears flowing down my cheeks, and the ones that were threatening to go down hers.
My voice was hollow. I was spent. "Why did you lie about so much?" I asked. "What else did you fake?"
The tears flowed harder, and I struggled to swallow a lump in my throat. I had not felt like this in years. "Did you lie about loving me, too?" Her eyes widened, almost looking angry. She was about to speak, but I continued. "Was part of some kind of plan of yours? You betrayed me. You gained my trust and betrayed me. Is that what you wanted? You lied. You promised you wouldn't hurt me and yet here you are."
My voice cracked and I was full on crying right now, choking with my words. "You led me on –everyone on– for so long, and for what purpose? What was all this for? Who are you really?" The hurt just continued to pour right on out, and with it, Matsuri's tears fell as well. That b-… witch. How dare she act hurt. I can't even curse her, damn it!
"Why did you do this to me? How could you?" I got off of her,suddenly unable to stand being so close to someone that was hurting me so much, even if my body craved her, somehow. How could I thirst for her at a time like this? Was what she was aiming for?
"You pretended to love me, didn't you!" I shouted, my voice almost cracking. Is this heartbreak? This pain?
I leaned against the side of the bed, curling up and holding my face between my hands. "I want you out of this house. Immediately. You're fired from both your job and as my student. Get out."
My voice chocked on these words, and they came off less powerfully than I'd like. And deep down, I realized, I didn't want this to happen.
Not at all. But… how could she stay after what she's done to me?
"Gaara-kun…" her hand touched my knee. I slapped it away, not even look up at her.
Suddenly, she forced my legs to flatten by pushing on my knees before pushing me down on my back completely, climbing on top of me.
I was too shocked to react, and once she realized I wasn't going to do anything, she smiled apologetically.
"You told me to explain, and I will. Not everything, but I'll tell you some of it, okay?" She let go of my arms, which she was holding at my sides. "Now; I'm going to get off and can we go back to the bed so I can explain more comfortably? Please don't do anything until I'm done. Afterward, you can do what you wish with me. Alright?"
She smiled hopefully. "Would that be okay?"
I considered it. She's fully aware I am capable of hurting her farther than I've already had, as well as kill her, though she has no idea that I just can't bring myself too… and yet she's taking this chance. I'll do it. But only because I need answers.
D-E-N-I-A-L. Man, I wonder how that bastard fox feels. At least you're not completely oblivious to other people's feelings… but that Naruto kid is just harder than rock, God. I hope he makes that fox suffer…
I nodded once, agreeing as we took places on the top of her bed. She reached over to her bedside table and grabbed a few tissues.
"May I…?" she was requesting permission to touch me.
I nodded once again, not understanding the craving for her touch I had. I scooted closer to her, hardly able to resist.
The angrier I got with her, the longer this went on, the more I craved her. It was as if I wanted as much as I could before I could never have her again.
So much so, that I was trembling. A combination from the sobs that were threatening to wrack my body, the anger, and most confusingly, trying to suppress my urges for her. My possessiveness for her. A near obsession. For her to be mine alone.
This feeling reminded me of blood-lust; just… warmer. And less violent.
It also felt far better than satisfying a thirst for blood.
She gently wiped my tears, but they were soon followed with more. Even if I wasn't quite sobbing anymore (I was still sniffling a bit), the tears continued flowing silently, unbidden.
Regardless, as she explained what she could for me, she still dabbed napkins on my cheeks to dry them every few moments.
"I'll admit, I'm keeping a big secret from you, and for the most part, am stronger than I appear to be, and I do know jutsu that you haven't taught me." I took the words in greedily, slightly surprised she didn't put up any resistance to telling me this. "However, don't think I'm anything like ANBU level or anything. No way. I'm weak." I detected sorrow and self-loathing in that last sentence, but I forced myself to ignore it. Why should I care about a traitor?
"All I can tell you about the dreams is that they will continue and to-… and to advise you to study them; pay attention to them. They may help you someday…" Her voice softened to the point that the last sentence was a mumble as she got lost in thought. When I saw her fists clench in her pajamas, it occurred that she may be thinking about the dreams about my death, which is one of the few things I knew she was truly upset about hearing of. Those feelings were real.
"It'd be useless to deny that all this is a plan and someone, not me, must have come up with it, so I'll admit that much. Who, I won't say." My eyes narrowed. Not noticing (or maybe ignoring it), she took a shaky breath. Having experience in making others frightened, I knew her heart was beating far faster than it normally did. But it wasn't because of me – it was because of what she was going to tell me.
"And Temari-chan…" she took another breath. But this was a strong, sturdy one, and she looked determinedly into my eyes. "I can't truly speak for her, but know this – she loves you and Kankuro. She truly, truly loves you both and even if she doesn't show it, most anything she does is with you both in mind. You are her most precious people; she partially raised you, really. She would never let any harm come to either of you."
My throat tightened again. I had forgotten… even Temari had appeared to care about me. I had no idea it was this much…
"And you?" I asked quietly, finally getting to the question that's truly been my cause of grief this whole time. What about her feelings?
"Despite all this, I normally try to be an honest person. At the very least, I try to be honest to myself if no one else," she began. "I may have lied and been untruthful about many things, but one of the things I never lied about was my feelings. All those years ago, I accepted because even then, I had cared about you and if that wasn't enough, I was hungry, cold, and homeless. I needed a place to stay.
I stayed because since the death of my parents during the bandit raid, I had finally found a family. I loved it, being with you, Kankuro, and Temari-chan. I truly did. I was happy, and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay happy with you all, and I wanted to help you all because I knew you were all hurting… so I remained, becoming a member of the family and the housewife-that-isn't-actually-a-wife." And what about your feelings for me?
She gazed into my eyes, hers full of unadulterated affection. "I never once lied about loving you Gaara-kun. Everytime I told you I loved you, that I cared, that I'd be there if you let me and even if you didn't want me, during those terrible nights," she was referring to my "darker" moments, often after nightmares after I started sleeping again or when Shukaku decided to drive me mad before Naruto, "I always meant it.
"I would never want to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I'm doing so by not telling you, but everything I do is with your best welfare in mind. I do this because I love my friends, my new family, and you especially." It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and my heart felt lighter and warmer. I didn't hurt so much anymore. She… she really loves me.
Then she took a shaky, nervous breath, her confidence suddenly gone. "I-I would understand if you want nothing more to do with me, so I'll leave this house if you wish. But even if that happens, know that I'll always love you, o-okay?"
She looked up and smiled sadly at me, tears pouring down her pink face.
I sat there silently for a moment, and she said and did nothing, knowing I was deciding what to do.
Then, I made my decision.
"You may stay, but under my conditions." Her face lit up.
I actually felt an urge to return the bright expression, which surprised me, but I surpressed it and kept a serious look instead.
"Because you have lost my trust, you will be under surveillance under my sand eye constantly; will follow whatever I say; take up your maid duties again, fully; can only leave the house under my permission and with me or someone else I pick as your guard. You will tell Kankuro and Temari what you told me, and I will be sleeping here in your room with you. You are under my watch and my sole control. You are little more than a tool for me to use, now." I had always felt even slightly possessive before, especially so when we became closer but not quite friends yet – she belonged to me. When we started dating, she really was mine. But that's just a bit different; it was mutual then. I was hers, as well, though I still don't fully understand it.
Now, I own her. And it pleases me.
Though my heart twists just a bit that I would not be treating her how she'd like. What do I care? She's a traitor. This is the least she deserves.
Not to sound like the angel on your shoulder or anything, but granted, she claims she and the others (I assume so, at least) are doing everything in your best interest. When you were with the guys, you agreed they weren't threats, either. It's kinda ridiculous that you blew up at her anyway, but whatever. And just wondering, what are you going to do about the whole "dating" thing? Dump her?
Now that I think about it… about our "relationship"…
"And as far as our relationship goes…" Her eyes widened, not expecting me to talk about it, but watching me carefully. I was going to say that we are "broken up", but the words just couldn't get struck in my throat. It was then I realized just how much I did not want that. Not at all.
"We can still be… together. But remember – I'm not yours, too, anymore. You're solely mine, Matsuri." This is probably can't even be considered a proper relationship, but I just... can't seem to let her go. Now, at least, she belongs to me in another way.
Even as I said this, I realized that the last part was a bit of a lie itself – she does have a part of me that's hers. She's got my heart; I only wish I had noticed when. When I spoke those words, there was more emotion than I would have preferred in them.
I had conflicting feelings about having such feelings for her, but I think I really do love her. It's clouding my judgement, but at least it's (my judgement) still a bit harsh from anger, so it'll do. She's practically a prisoner now. But she's mine… and that's enough to satisfy me. For however long.
I can't help but just want you to be with me Matsuri...
She simply smiled softly. "As long as I'm near you, I'll be okay." She feels the same way...
I had a feeling she understood more than I gave her, somehow possibly knowing that I did indeed have feelings for her.
Though I was glad her love was not deterred and that we shared the same sentiment about the other's presence, I frowned, upset at her lack of despair. I was a sadist for most of my life.
"You do know you're essentially a prisoner now, do you not?"
She scoffed. "'Course I do."
"Yet…?"
"Yet I'm with you. And you're spending even more time with me than you normally would! This makes it totally worth it." She was back to her normal self.
I shook my head, a half-smile inching upon my lips.
Her normal, confusing, girly self.
"Oh, wow!" she suddenly exclaimed, looking at her clock. "It's late! And I need to wake up to make breakfast tomor- er, later this morning! Can we get to sleep now, please?"
I nodded, resisting the urge to roll my eyes as getting off the bed so she can tuck herself in and turn off the lights, knowing I could navigate perfectly fine in the dark.
I stripped down to my boxers and climbed in behind her, wrapping my arms around her and making a sand eye in the corner of the room. I told myself this was so if she moved or did anything, I would know, though I was really relieved I was finally able to fulfill this craving to touch her, enjoying our closeness.
While I was asleep (if I slept), Shukaku would see everything and he can tell me or show me everything in the morning if he was in the mood. Bipolar raccoon.
I'm a tanuki, dammit. Get it right.
Which is a raccoon-dog. Pretty close.
Shut up.
"Seriously Gaara?" she murmured, twisting around in my arms to face me. "Sand eye, too? You're gonna be asleep, for goodness' sake!"
"You can't be too careful," I replied monotonously.
"If you say so," she said, rolling her eyes, her lips curved in a small smile.
Another sudden urge hit me. It's been a while.
It was strong, and it would've been difficult to resist if I tried anyway, so I didn't.
I grabbed Matsuri's chin harshly (I'm still sort of angry, remember?) and tilted it up while bending down to touch her lips to mine.
She made a noise of surprise before quickly submitting to the harsh kiss I was giving her. Kissing her had always calmed me and made me feel… quite nice, actually. It was enjoyable.
I liked it.
A lot.
I now understood why people did it so much.
She sighed into it, returning it with passion and we kissed for what was probably several minutes, breaking briefly for air (but she needed it more than I did; I had good lungs somehow).
When we pulled away, I was satisfied to see her lips puffy from kissing so long but a bit startled to see blood.
I touched my lips and found blood and cuts there, too. Must be from biting each other's lips… we'd never done that before.
Despite gladly spilling others' blood before, I was not comfortable with seeing mine. Even Matsuri's bothered me slightly (slightly compared to my reaction when I first saw mine).
However, unlike that time with Sasuke and the Finals, I didn't panic. My heart raced, but I forced it to calm. This came from us kissing fiercely and passionately… this isn't bad.
I gradually began feeling a bit more proud and even happy at seeing this physical proof of our love.
Noting my sudden spacing out about the blood, (but not knowing I now felt better about it) she took my face between her hands and lowered it to her lips, sucking mine of their blood before licking them and pulling away, giving me a small smile.
I pulled her right back, wanting more of her.
We pulled away soon after, panting. When she caught her breath somewhat, she leaned over to the bedside table to flick the button that turned on the alarm on her clock.
While she did that, I reveled in what was probably our best kiss yet. Understand the hype about tongues, now, kid? No longer so innocent, huh?
I guess it was nice… we'll need more practice, however. It was kind of messy.
Which is an excuse to just do more. Man, I'm not actually quite sure if I should be proud or not that you're starting to seem like a normal teen with hormones.
You're growing up! *fake sob*
I rolled my eyes inwardly at him. But saying we need practice "Frenching" was only half true – we did need some, but it really was just an excuse to do it more. Practice was just what we'd get while doing it more.
So, I liked it, sue me.
When our heart rates were normal again, I pulled her against me and got into a comfortable position to attempt sleep.
Since my fight with Naruto, the days I slept in a week slowly increased. Now, I was up to 4. Soon, I should be 5. With Matsuri with me every night from now on, it may be 6 or everyday soon enough.
"Don't expect this to happen often," I told her. "You're a prisoner. You're not going to have it nice and easy."
"Poo." She said. "So you're not going to kiss me or hug me at all?" She knew what she was doing. She was tempting me. She knew I enjoyed kissing her. About as much as she liked kissing me.
Which was a lot. I'll admit it was a boost to my ego, which was normal sized compared to my… "friends'" egos.
"I will, but when I want to. Your wants have no importance." I shifted slightly in the bed. "Now sleep. I can't have you drifting off in the middle of chores tomorrow."
She sighed, but this was a content one. She leaned into my bare chest. "Goodnight."
"Hn."
"Great. You're back to your normal speech." I could just feel her rolling her eyes.
"…"
"Ugh!"
"By the way, I'll be putting a chakra bracelet on you tomorrow."
"When did you own those?!"
"I have connections."
"Don't make it sound so dramatic. I just forgot for a minute that your father was the Kazekage."
"… Shut up and sleep."
"Yes, Master."
"Sleep. And remember: don't expect me to be kind from here on out. I don't trust you."
She giggled, but her heart rate slowed and her breathing began to even. Before she finally fell asleep, she murmured one last thing.
"I love you, Gaara."
Surprisingly, I found myself following her lead soon after, even repeating the words in my mind.
I love you, Matsuri, even if I can't bring myself to fully trust you again. I hope things will turn out well in the end… maybe there's a chance we could be happy together.
I cradled her tightly to my chest. Just for you, I'm going to be selfish and keep you to all myself. My heart is yours, and you belong to me.
Wow. Not a single little thing I referenced or needed to explain. I don't think that's happened before.
Again, sorry it's so late!
Honestly, I planned on showing another couple, but it ended up being all GaaMatsu. But that's fine - I've barely had an ounce of them in this story and I like the chapter, for the most part.
QotW: #1: Still need X-Mas ideas. The X-Mas arc is a little farther than I anticipated, with these little confrontation!chapters are taking longer than I thought they would, but I still need ideas.
#2: Do you guys have any goals for the new year? 2014?
Sorry it's late!
Sincerely and with love,
Cherry.
PS: I was gonna update yesterday, but I wanted another edit in before I did. Hence, the update is today instead.
