Disclaimer: I own nothing.
– – –
"I don't think we'll find anything more out here," Glenn stated to Rick and Daryl on day two of their outing. "We need to go further out, plan a trip like Tara and Heath."
Daryl sat on the hood of the car Glenn had found and would be using to drive back to Alexandria in. "Yeah, sounds like a good idea."
"We'll get back and organize this run." Rick shifted his weight. "I'm not goin', but are either of you?"
"No." Daryl rested his feet on the bumper. "I'll check a few places Michonne and I have already been. We left some stuff behind Eugene might be able to use."
"Glenn?" Rick swept his gaze over to him.
"Maybe. I don't know yet. It depends on how long it'll take, where we're going." He shrugged his shoulders. "But maybe. I'll have to...talk to Maggie, but it's for the good of the group. We can't afford to be selfish."
"It ain't selfish," Daryl remarked. "We got plenty of people, and this run will be good for all of us, but stayin' behind ain't at all selfish."
"Maybe not, but I'm good at this at runs. I'm good at getting in and out." He offered a smile so his next comment wouldn't sound hateful, because he didn't mean for it to. "You can stay with Michonne and Judith, and Daryl can be there for Carol, but I'm going."
"We'll see who volunteers," Rick said after a beat, "take it from there. For now, let's just get back there in one piece."
Daryl hopped off the car and ambled toward the truck. "I'll ride in the rear since I got so much in the back. Don't want any loose items to fly off and cause an accident."
Rick nodded. "I'll lead then."
"Sounds good." Glenn opened the car door and slipped inside, starting the engine.
Rick and Daryl exchanged a glance before doing the same, Rick pulled out in front with Glenn in the middle and Daryl taking up the rear, and the air in the individual cars was a blessing. They had time for privacy and their emotions to show themselves with being asked what's wrong, and they would need this time to reflect on the trip back home. For Glenn that meant back to Maggie, for Rick that mean back to Michonne and his kids—and of course running the town—and home for Daryl meant getting back to Carol and her baby.
– – –
Carol walked through the vacant house in the far aside of town, her boots echoing off the walls, and she smiled at the sound of it. Solitude. Isolation. It wasn't much, given that right outside was an entire town of people she would have to kill for, have to protect when the next big threat came, but it might be enough to work through the mess knotted up inside of her.
There was a pile of mattresses in the living room, all still neatly wrapped and filing the room corner to corner. A few lamps were on the counters in the kitchen, the drawers filled with items like silverware and cooking utensils. It was like the house of spare items, and somehow it was cozy.
She climbed the stairs to find the second floor untouched, a fine layer of dust on the surfaces, and she walked over to the window, peering out to see no one walking toward the house. She could barely hear the kids. It was peaceful, an escape, for when her worries—her demons—grew too loud.
She reached down to grasp the hilt of her knife, her fingers instead meeting her stomach, and she looked down. For a second there, she'd nearly forgot there was even a baby in there. It didn't seem real, to be honest. She was well into her forties, and it was supposed to be difficult to get pregnant. It wasn't supposed to just happen after one time, and it wasn't supposed to feel like punishment. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.
It should be Maggie, not her. They all knew that—thought that. She didn't blame them, because it was in her mind and in her heart as well. She shouldn't be the one who was pregnant, who was being looked in on, who was being smothered by affection. It shouldn't be her who was going to see Harlan in a couple weeks. It shouldn't be her. She didn't want this. She didn't ask for this. She didn't try for this. She wasn't with the man she loved wholeheartedly when this child was conceived. She wasn't trying to start and preserve the future. She was just trying to escape, and it backfired in the worst possible way.
She thought back to her pregnancy with Sophia, her heart contracting, and she didn't know how she was going to do this. Frankly she still wanted to leave Alexandria, leave the people she loved and the people she would rather die than let any harm befall them. It wasn't an option at the moment. If she lost the child, or perhaps once the kid was born, maybe she could then. Honestly, Glenn and Maggie would make better parents than her. She had failed in every form, so why not entrust this child to them? Or to Tobin. Or perhaps even Daryl.
She smiled at the thought of Daryl trying to raise this child, changing diapers and reading stories to the kid, trying and pleading and willing this baby to go sleep. She could see him teaching him or her how to hunt, how to track, how to survive, and it warmed her heart. He would be a good father. The way he was with Judith when Beth and her were preoccupied and he thought no one was watching was amazing. It made her love him even more. He was such a good man, an honorable man, and he would do right by this child, his blood or not. It was her blood that ran through its veins, and he would sell his soul to the devil himself to protect this baby. She knew that without a doubt. She didn't need the pills or his word. She just knew. He would do the same for Judith, for Carl, for Maggie and Glenn's next child. He was simply that kind of man.
Soon she would know if she made out of danger, if the baby made it out of danger for the time being. She was scared to know either way. She had to work through it, work through what happened with the girls, and maybe—if it all worked out—just maybe she could be a mother to this little child.
– – –
Maggie was on the wall when Rick, Glenn and Daryl rolled back into town a few days later, Sasha pulled the gate for them, and they drove inside. Daryl drove around to the empty houses to put away the supplies he and Rick had gotten, knowing Maggie had to have seen them, and Glenn parked behind Rick. They got some help unloading what few supplies they had, and Rick sent out word for a meeting tonight in the church. They had a run to plan, and they needed volunteers.
Daryl closed the door behind him and saw Carol on the porch to the house next door. He hadn't seen her on his way in, and he walked over to her.
She lifted her head. "You're back."
"Yeah." He sat beside her. "What're you doin' out there?"
"I'm just getting some air." She pulled her legs in, resting her arms in her lap. "And you?"
"Had to unload some stuff." He shrugged a shoulder.
"Did you find what Eugene needed?"
"Nah, not yet, but we're plannin' a run. Rick and I thought it'd be best to wait till Tara and Heath get back, see what they found, if maybe what we need is there, but...they could get delayed. Who knows what's out there where they were goin'?" He picked at his thumbnail. "He's callin' a meetin' tonight, gonna see who's willin' to go out there for however long it takes."
"Are you going?"
"Nah. I got...things to do here."
"Daryl, I don't need a babysitter. You should go. You're good with this type of thing. So is Glenn." She inhaled. "You don't need to stay behind for my sake."
"Well, I ain't."
She smiled a little. "Really? Then what are the things you need to do here?"
He was quiet for a moment, she chuckled mirthlessly, and he pursed his lips. "I'm gonna be here for when you go see Harlan next. I want to be there for you and the baby, no matter what happens." He peeked at her face. "And with some of our people out there, it's best we have a strong front here. Spencer and Carl can't do it all."
"There's Gabriel and Enid and...the class Rosita taught. Or is teaching."
He snorted. "Yeah, they can take on walkers, but people? Like the people that took you and Maggie?" He shook his head. "I need to be here in case they come back. I mean, I blew a lot of 'em up, and you and Maggie took out a handful too. They ain't gonna be comin' here in peace."
"All right." She stood up and began to walk away, pausing when he didn't follow. "You coming?"
He shook his head. "I'll be along in a minute."
She nodded and continued on her path back to the house to prepare for the church meeting, Daryl observed her, and he chewed on his bottom lip. He had time for his thoughts while they were out, but he needed to talk to someone. He couldn't talk to Carol, not yet, but he did need someone he could...unload on. He didn't know who that sorry sack would be, but he'd find out soon when he couldn't keep his thoughts to himself.
––
The meeting went well enough. Glenn and Spencer were going to lead the run along with two others, Glenn was going to use the car he'd found while out with Rick and Daryl, and Spencer and the boys would use two other cars. They whipped a map and got to work once the meeting was adjourned, leaving Maggie and Rosita to linger and question why those two had taken the lead.
The group headed out in the morning, Aaron decided to join them, and they said their goodbyes. Maggie and Glenn shared an awkward hug, Eric kissed Aaron goodbye, and Spencer studied the ground as they did so. They headed out bright and early, and they would return in two weeks time.
Maggie was nervous about Glenn doing this, but it was for the good of the group. She was confident he'd return to them, with Aaron and Spencer. She didn't doubt that at all. She didn't like that he'd be gone for so long, and the lack of contact would test her nerves, but after all they'd been through, all she'd been through just this past week, she was sure she'd be fine. She would persevere. She only hoped the what ifs weren't too cruel.
– – –
The morning of Tara and Heath's return came, Denise and Enid with a few helping hands waited by the gate when they honked, and they drove in with a fully loaded truck. Carol wasn't allowed to lend them a hand, and Maggie was instructing people on where to take the various items with Michonne's help. Daryl and Abe did a lot of heaving lifting along with Tobin and the construction crew. They had gotten quite lucky on their trip, though from the cuts and bruises, it wasn't an easy venture.
Enid worked on the gash on Heath's arm, using her training for the first time, and she was excited. She thought she might have to stitch it up, but she didn't know for sure. She hadn't learned how to do that. She didn't want to test it out on Heath. It could prove to be pretty brutal and painful.
"So, you're training her?" Tara nodded her head to Enid who was wholly focused on cleaning Heath's injury.
"I'm teaching her." Denise washed dirt off Tara's bloody knuckles. "She's a quick study, dedicated."
"I'm a little surprised she's here. I've never seen her take any interest in medical crap."
Denise laughed at that. "Yeah, me neither, but it's a smart move. If anything were to happen to me...we need to be prepared."
"Don't talk like that."
"It's a possibility." She released her fingers and blew on them lightly. "How are you?"
"I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well since before we left." She shook her head and gulped. "When you're out there like that...you can't sleep. The fear keeps you...from really drifting off, people on guard or not. You're tense and aware."
Denise smiled. "Well, I'm glad you made it back in one piece."
"Me too." She leaned down and kissed her briefly. "So, where'd that spear come from?"
Denise grinned. "It was a gift from Hilltop. I used it to take out some walkers with Carol and Michonne."
"You—you took on walkers? At Hilltop?"
"Yeah. It was...intense, but we kicked ass." Her grin lost its edge as the other events of Hilltop came pouring back, and she swallowed. "I—I need to tell you something."
"What is it?" The frown was in her voice.
"Maggie lost the baby."
"What?" An airy murmur escaped through her lips. "God, Maggie... Shit, and Glenn. God." She couldn't believe it. She knew something had gone down since the last time they were here, but she hadn't even thought to consider that was it. She knew how much that baby meant to Maggie and Glenn, how much it meant to the group, and she couldn't believe it was gone. The last time she saw Maggie, she was perfectly fine. She was healthy and happy, and Harlan had said the baby was healthy too. It was the right size and everything for how far along she was, so why...was the baby gone? What the hell happened while she and Heath were away?
It was like Noah all over again. She thought things were fine, everyone was all right, but the reality set in and reminded her she had been out just long enough for death to claim someone she loved, or someone she would have grown to love. She had lost so much, and adding Noah to that list had ached, and now adding the unborn baby of a man who had saved her life in more ways than he can ever know and of a woman who was like a sister to her felt like dagger going down her stomach. She couldn't imagine how they were coping with this. She'd seen how messed up Maggie had been after she lost her little sister, and she could assume how bad it'd been after Hershel had died. She had been there that day, witnessed what Maggie witnessed, and she remembered losing her own dad, not to mention she'd seen Glenn's reaction to the news of Hershel's death. Fuck.
Denise watched the emotions and thoughts play out in her girlfriend's coffee-colored eyes, and she returned to carefully wrapping her fingers.
"How's Maggie been taking it?" she whispered.
"Not well. She barely eats, and she cries herself to sleep." She shook her head. "It's been weeks, and she still cries herself to sleep. It's understandable. I only wish she'd talk to someone."
"She isn't talking to Glenn?"
"They haven't been alone together since we came back from Hilltop. Glenn feels guilty for not doing more to protect Maggie and the baby, and Maggie doesn't know how to act around Glenn, because she blames herself for losing their baby."
"What else have I missed?" She almost didn't want to know.
"Glenn and Spencer and Aaron left for a two week run to find supplies to begin making bullets." She explained the factory Eugene and Abraham had found, and Tara nodded. "And Carol's pregnant."
"Are you serious?" Tara exclaimed. "Carol? Small, silver-haired Carol?"
Denise almost smiled. "Yes, that Carol."
"How? I mean I know how, but...how? And why?"
"It wasn't intentional."
"Who's the father?"
"Tobin."
Her nose scrunched. "Really?" She nodded. "Okay then. How far along is she?"
"She's not sure. She's going to Hilltop soon to see Harlan again and get an accurate timeline on her pregnancy."
Tara dragged her free hand down her face. "I need to go to bed. I need sleep before I can process any of this."
"Try being here the last couple of weeks." She expelled air from her lungs. "I don't think it's going to get any better."
Tara peeked at her and offered with a small smile, "I'm proud of you, you know, for taking on those walkers. I knew you had the guts."
Denise returned her smile. "Then I shouldn't mention how I threw up after my first walker kill?"
She laughed. "Tell me about it."
"Well, it was on my first run..."
Tara's smile widened. "Your first run?"
"Yeah." She lifted her head and smiled at her. "My first run with Daryl and Rosita to get medicine."
"Were you able to get it?"
"We were." She laced her fingers through Tara's and searched her eyes for a moment, forgetting about Enid and Heath, forgetting about the miscarriage and about what could happen with Carol, forgetting about all of the horrible things that have happened with the wall and the walkers and the Andersons. She let herself forget, here, with Tara for a moment, because there was something she needed to say, and she didn't want to wait until it was too late to say it. "I love you."
Tara tightened her grip on Denise's hand. "I love you too." She leaned down and whispered in her ear, because what she had to say weren't something a kid like Enid should overhear.
– – –
Carol woke up, and she knew without even checking the calendar that today was the day. She didn't want to get out of bed, let alone dress and leave for Hilltop. She didn't want to find out if this was all really real. She was still hoping for it to be false, that somehow she had an odd kind of bug, but now she would know. She would really know, and she'd see it. She would see this baby with her own two eyes.
Outside the house, Rick and Daryl were preparing a car for the trip to Hilltop. They didn't need to take the RV since it was just the four of them, though Denise was pushing for the RV to have more room. She wasn't a fan of being cooped up in the backseat with Carol, like she'd been cooped up between Daryl and Rosita. She wanted some space, and Rick thought it'd be best to have the RV when he remembered how Carol's stomach had been the last couple of days.
"It's a good thing you're comin' along," Rick commented to Denise. "I nearly forgot about Carol's stomach and how soft its been the last couple of days."
"It's what I'm here for." She smiled. "I'll bring some tea for the trip. It should help to prevent any vomiting."
"Good idea."
Daryl brought the RV around, Michonne was tempted to tag along with them, but she was needed here with Glenn and Aaron out with their group of five, and Rick and Daryl could handle anything they came across. Carol could hold her own with both her knife and her gun. Even Denise had gotten the hang of using that spear, and she wasn't too bad with a gun. There wasn't much to worry about. They could handle it.
Maggie saw Rick and Daryl talking by the RV, Denise heading back to her and Tara's house, and she knew what today was. She'd known the moment she woke up. It was Carol's first appointment with Harlan. She didn't know how she felt about today. She wasn't as jealous as she thought she'd be. She wasn't aching more than usual. She was just there, looking on as her family tending to family. It was kind of nice.
"I brought applesauce." Enid held a jar and spoon out to her. "I had to fight Judith for it, but it's fresh."
Maggie smiled weakly and accepted both items. "Thanks."
She returned her smile. "It's no problem." She sat down on the porch and spotted the group by the RV. "Oh, that's today, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Maggie lowered herself down beside the young girl. "Carol's about to go see Harlan, see how far along the baby is."
"Are you okay?" Enid studied her thoroughly, licking applesauce off the spoon. "With the appointment? I mean...how do you feel about the appointment?"
"I dunno, to be honest." Maggie twisted the cap off the jar slowly, setting it beside her and stirring the applesauce. "It feels more like a dream than anythin', I guess."
"I'm here, if you want to talk."
Maggie nodded. "I know, sweetie."
By the RV, Daryl loaded a bag of food in case they were delayed or were held up. He didn't want Carol or the kid to go hungry, or him or Rick or Denise, but mostly Carol. She didn't have much of an appetite, but just in case. He wanted to be prepared. He thought over every feasible scenario, and he knew how to handle all of them. And if he didn't, Denise would. She was a doctor, for pity's sake. She could take care of Carol, and he and Rick could take care of walkers and people. He would make sure nothing happened to Carol or the baby or Denise. He knew they could take care of themselves, but he didn't want to leave anything to chance. The odds were never in their favor.
"Where's Carol?" Rick looked over at Daryl as he checked the pressure on the RV's tires.
"I don't know. She might still be in bed." He straightened. "Didn't you wake her up?"
"No, I figured she'd get up on her own."
"I'll go get her."
"No, she'll be down. I don't want to rush her." He still had to wait on Denise to prepare the tea for Carol's morning sickness, and he didn't mind the wait. It gave him time to figure out what they might be forgetting.
"It's pretty early." Daryl checked the back tire. "Sure you wanna head out this early?"
"Yeah, the sooner we leave, the sooner we'll...get a grasp on the situation." He adjusted his watch. "If you're tired, there is a bed in the back."
"I'm good." He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Well, all right then."
Half an hour later Denise and Tara walked over to the RV, Daryl was sitting inside, picking at the tip of one of his bolts, and Rick was sitting on the steps, waiting for Carol. He'd gotten word from Michonne that she was finishing breakfast. He knew this was tough for her, so he would give her a few more minutes. Besides they had been held up by Denise too, so it wasn't all Carol.
"You comin' with us?" Rick asked Tara.
"Nah." She smiled at Denise. "I just came to walk her out, and I thought I'd stop by Maggie's."
He nodded and moved off the steps. "Keep an eye on her for us, all right? You...you mean a lot to her, and you haven't been in her face the past couple weeks, so just make sure she's all right."
"I will." Tara pulled Denise aside to say goodbye privately.
On the porch Carol was speaking to Michonne, Tobin approached them, and Carol hoped he didn't ask to come along again. She really didn't want to do this today, didn't want to feel what she knew she'd feel, and she didn't want him there on top of it all. She knew he had a right to be here, and she did want him there eventually. Well, not want, but it was his child too, so her wants weren't entirely important. Today she hoped they were, otherwise she wasn't going. It was petulant, she knew, but she didn't want anyone there the first sonogram. She knew she'd be a mess, and she didn't want anyone there but Harlan. He was used to it, after all. It was his job before the world fell apart.
"Have a safe trip." Michonne set a hand on Carol's arm and strolled off to speak with Rick.
"I'm sorry. I hope I didn't chase her off." Tobin stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"You didn't."
"Good to know." He cleared his throat. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well." She didn't explain any further. "And you?"
"I'm okay." His brows met, and he released a rough and curt sigh. "I'm sorry about what I said to you. I know it's probably been too long for an apology, but I wanted you to know I'm sorry. I was...having a bad day, and I shouldn't have said that."
"It didn't bother me enough for you to apologize." She met his eyes. "Don't worry about it. I've been asked worse."
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"It's nothing." She shrugged, brushing it away. "And I'm sorry for being so...short with you. I just need space every now and then."
"All right." He pulled one hand out. "Are you nervous about today?"
"No. I've done this before. Well, not quite like this." She glanced at the RV and smiled a little. "I had my husband to drive me to my appointment, and the biggest worry was traffic, not walkers and people who want to kill us."
"It's not the best world to raise a baby in," he agreed, "but we'll do the best we can, won't we?"
She saw Michonne part with Rick and stepped back. "I should go. They've waited on me long enough. We'll talk more when I get back."
He followed her gaze to the RV, Tara and Michonne talked as they began their shifts; Denise climbed inside, and Daryl climbed out after her, gesturing with a bolt. Rick nodded, not speaking a word to him, and Daryl hurried off toward the armory. He blinked and frowned at the sight of Daryl skirting through town, and he noticed Carol didn't seen surprised to see him.
"Daryl's going with you?"
She chuckled softly, and it wasn't a happy sound, though it wasn't bitter or empty. It was a laugh mixed with two emotions he couldn't differentiate. "He didn't give me any choice." She cast a look at Tobin to say goodbye and walked over to the RV.
"You all right?" Rick noted she was paler than normally was.
"I'm as well as can be expected."
"If you need a break while we're on the road, let us know."
"I will."
Daryl returned with another set of bolts, Carol entered the RV, and Rick closed the door behind him. He got behind the wheel, Daryl slid into the passenger seat, and Denise and Carol spoke softly in the back. Abraham opened the gate for them, Rick pulled out, and their trip to Hilltop thus began.
– – –
Carol had lied down after having a cup of Denise's tea, Denise was working on a lesson plan for Enid, and Rick and Daryl were listening to some pretty terrible tunes. Denise had blocked it out, and Carol had the door closed—thankfully the music couldn't breach the room.
Daryl moved to the couch with Denise when Rick started singing to him, and Rick howled with laughter, using the new route to Hilltop, and Daryl glared daggers at the back of Rick's seat as he continued to jam out.
"Does he ever stop?" Denise blinked rapidly at Rick's attempt to hit a high note, and Daryl snorted. "Is that a no?"
He nodded. "And trust me, you don't ever get used to it."
"Great." She uncapped a highlighter and returned to her lesson plans, trying to block this song out.
Daryl cringed at Rick's voice and peered at the door that lead to the bedroom, lead to where Carol was. He rose up off the couch and stumbled back toward the door, partly to check in on her, but mostly to escape Rick and his singing. He knew he was only doing it to piss Daryl off and maybe to give Denise a headache. He was flawlessly accomplishing this goal. They might not let him ride back to Alexandria with them. He might just have to walk his singing ass back.
He closed the door behind him, Carol looked over her shoulder to see who had come back there, and he gave her a small smile. She rolled onto her back and sat up, and he sat down in the chair beside the bed, trying to assure her that she didn't have to move.
"It's fine, Daryl. I wasn't sleeping anyway." She set her feet on the floor. "Why are you back here? And don't lie and say it's to check on me. I think I heard Rick singing."
He chuckled. "I can't take it anymore. It's drivin' me up a wall."
"From the small bit I heard, I don't blame you for running."
He ran his eyes over her and leaned toward her to ask, "That tea help you any?"
"A little."
"That's good."
She moved so that her back was against the wall of the RV, and she crossed her legs, resting her hands in her lap. "How close are we?"
"About an hour away."
"Good." She closed her eyes. "I want to get this over with."
He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment then dared, "You scared?"
"On every level," she replied without opening her eyes. "I can feel it in the air I inhale and exhale, in my fingertips, in my eyelashes." A mirthless laugh escaped through her lips, and her eyes opened, a shine to them. "I don't think I've been this scared since Sophia...ran away crying from those walkers."
He lowered his eyes. "It'll be okay."
"I don't know if that's true." She set a hand on her stomach. "It's not like I can do genetic testing, or CVS, or amniocentesis. I know what the baby will get from me and my side of the family, but Tobin? I doubt he knows."
"You didn't ask him about it?"
"No. He might not even know anything. It's not exactly dinner conversation."
"I'm sure the worst thing that'll happen is the kid'll be a giant."
She smiled feebly. "Tobin's not that tall."
"He's a fuckin' tree."
She giggled at the tone in his voice, Daryl smiled at the sound of an authentic Carol laugh, and she met his eyes. "So," her voice was suddenly low and solemn, no hint of her earlier laughter there, "how do you feel about this?"
He peeked at her. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean, Daryl. How do you feel about the baby? About...my pregnancy?" She searched is guarded blue eyes. "You were so angry before, and we never talked about it. Are you still angry?"
He shook his head. "No, I'm not angry anymore."
"Honestly?"
"Yeah, honestly." He set his elbows on his thighs. "I'm not too sure how I feel about it either. I know I ain't exactly thrilled, but I'm not pissed or anythin'."
"I'm glad." She released the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "You were so livid... I wasn't sure you'd ever...talk to me again."
"'Course I'd talked to you." His voice was hushed, soft, and it felt more like a caress. "You're...my best friend."
"Rick's your best friend," she corrected then saw perhaps she was wrong. "Isn't he?"
"No, Rick's like blood and I respected him, but you're my best friend. You're the closest person to me." The tips of his ears began to reddened, luckily his hair was long enough to cover them, and he ducked his head when they'd held eye contact for so long he began to blush. "That's why I'm here. I want to keep you safe—you and the baby."
She swallowed hard, his words crushing her heart despite the affectionate that blossomed there from his words as well. She didn't say anything in return, simply cast her eyes to the door and tried to keep the tears from her eyes. She knew Daryl and she were close, but to have him put it into words right there beside her was too much. Too close. Too fresh. She longed to be able to reciprocate his feelings, his words, but other words would follow, and she couldn't afford to let that happen. People who were close to her...weren't the luckiest, and perhaps some distance between them would be a good thing.
"If you need anythin'," Daryl said by the door, about to exit the room, "lemme know, all right?"
She exhaled once he was out of the room, and she pulled her legs in, resting her head in her lap. She didn't know how she was going to do this. She wanted to talk to him about the girls yet at the same time her tongue grew fat and the words choked her. She wanted to open up and work through the torment and the regret of what happened in that damned pecan grove, but she saw how it practically killed Tyreese. He didn't even pull the trigger, simply was nearby, and it ate him alive. She couldn't do that to Daryl. She couldn't let this weight fall on his chest and crush him as she knew it would. Daryl's emotions ran deeper than any ocean, and while he tried to hide that fact, she knew. She knew him, and she couldn't let him bear this burden. She could barely hold herself up against it, so there was no chance in hell she'd try and force Daryl to.
She dropped a hand down to her stomach. Se had to keep herself afloat for this baby. She couldn't run. She couldn't hide. She couldn't do all the things she was doing before as a way to punish herself. She knew the list of people who would blow a gasket if she even lit a cigarette would be endless, and she would have to endure hours of lectures. She wasn't fond of smoking anyway. It was just...self dealt punishment, barely any different from Rick banishing her from the prison. She had to be healthy and careful. Even if she didn't survive labor, she would give this baby its best chance, and perhaps if she were to pass, Daryl and Rick and Maggie and Michonne could raise and protect this child in a way she couldn't with all three of hers before.
––
They arrived at Hilltop in the late afternoon according to Daryl, Harlan was busy with another patient, so they waited in and around the RV. Carol was still in the back, picking at the pillowcase as she waited for them to tell her Harlan was ready to see her. Denise was with the blacksmith, learning how to keep her spear sharp and sturdy, and the boys were by the front of the RV, watching the people of Hilltop do their duties.
There was a certain taste in the air, one of desperate hope and fear, and Rick suspected they were the ones giving it off. They last time they were here with a pregnant woman it had ended disastrously, and no one wanted to relive that day, hear those cries and go home feeling more empty than the hollowest of trees at the loss of another innocent unborn life.
Daryl scuffed up the dirt with his boots, placing his hands under his armpits, and he glanced at Rick a couple of times.
"What is it?" Rick was crouched down, checking out the damage of his boots and wondering how long they'd last, and he'd felt Daryl's eyes on him.
"Nothin'."
"Now, that's a lie." He stood up and locked eyes with the man he viewed as his brother. "It's Carol and the baby, isn't it?"
"Yeah." He bowed his head and picked at his thumbnail. "Could I ask you somethin'?"
"I don't know if I can give you the answer you want...or need...but go right ahead." He squinted at the sun in his eyes.
"I'm not really happy she's pregnant," he disclosed. "I'm not angry either, just...confused and pissed—fuckin' pissed—at Tobin."
Rick studied the man beside him and rested his hand on his pistol, nodding his head to the side. "Do you know why you're pissed at him?"
"Yeah. I blame him." He stole another peek at Rick to try and read his reaction. He knew how it sounded, and he wanted to explain himself, but he hoped Rick just got it. He didn't want to say it aloud. He felt petty and petulant for even feeling this way, but to put it into words? He felt like a goddamn teenager.
"You blame him for Carol gettin' pregnant?"
He nodded silently, chewing on his bottom lip.
"It wasn't exactly a one person job." He sounded amused, and he tried not to, but damn it to hell, he couldn't. "And if it was, Carol would have taken care of Tobin herself."
Daryl frowned for a moment, his mind blocking out why it could have been a one person job, and he knew what Rick meant. Hell, if that were the case, he would have gutted Tobin like a pig. There wouldn't be a trace of him left. The thought of anyone doing anything like that to Carol caused his blood to boil, and he was instantly miffed. It was just a scenario, but his heart raced with fury, his blood pumping faster, and his breathing escalated. He was ready for a fight that wasn't going to happen.
Rick shook his head to shake off the feeling that last statement gave him. "Why do you only blame him?"
"I just...feel more inclined to blame that asshole than I am to blame both of them, or...her." A defeated huff escaped through his lips. "Go ahead and say it. I'm a child."
Rick chuckled. "You're not a child for feelin' that way. Hell, I felt the same way when I figured out what happened between Lori and Shane. I blamed him more than I could ever blame her. She was my wife, the woman I loved, the mother of my child, and..." Rick dropped off at that and narrowed his eyes. "Daryl?"
"Hmm?"
"Is...uh, is there more to this than just blamin' Tobin for getting Carol pregnant?"
"What do you mean?"
Rick could see he was being earnest, and he shook his head, wondering if he was right and Daryl was oblivious—not too outlandish an idea, as Daryl wasn't one to be very connected to those types of emotions—or if Daryl was just oddly possessive. Or Daryl could just hate Tobin for something that might have happened since they arrived in Alexandria. Daryl wasn't the type to have bad blood with someone without a good reason, so whatever that reason was...known to Daryl or not, it was presenting itself now in full force.
Rick opened his mouth to explain when he saw Harlan approaching, and he gave a nod to the man. "Afternoon."
Harlan smiled a bit. "How is she today?"
"A little queasy," Daryl answered. "Denise made her some ginger tea. She's in the back right now, restin'."
He nodded. "That's good." He caught their frowns. "That she's resting, I mean, not that she's feeling sick."
"Right." Daryl pushed off the RV. "I'll go get her."
"No need." Carol walked around the RV and into their sights. "I'm here."
Harlan greeted her with a smile, she returned it out of habit, and they waked back to his office together. Daryl wanted to go with them, wanted to see the baby with his own eyes, but he would respect Carol's decision to go in there alone. Everything would be okay, and he could speak to Harlan when their appointment was over. He had some questions, and he hoped he didn't mind answering them.
Rick walked off to find Denise, Daryl's eyes were glued to Harlan and Carol's backs that grew smaller and smaller until they disappeared into his office, and he lowered his gaze. He hoped the kid was all right, for its sake and for Carol's.
In Harlan's office, Carol lied back, answering the questions he was asking. She felt silly answering some, recounting the last time she had done this, and she nearly laughed in spite of herself. She had been so thrilled to be pregnant with Sophia. She loved every moment of it, and she couldn't wait to hold her in her arms and kiss her and love her. She was equally worried about what Ed would do or say in front of her, but in the end it didn't matter. They were both gone, and they weren't coming back.
"So, this is your second child?" Harlan inquired, adjusting the screen.
"Yeah." She tried to avoid the screen, though Harlan had made that impossible.
"We probably won't be able to hear the heartbeat," he informed her, "but we might be able to see it."
She nodded, not trusting her voice.
He pressed his lips together, squinting at the screen, and for a moment she thought maybe this was all a hoax her body was playing on her. He didn't appear to see anything, and it could have been a false positive it. Home pregnancy tests had a high false positive rate, so that could be it. It wasn't real. She didn't have to stay, and she didn't have to kill anyone else. She didn't have to be strong every second of every day. She could escape and find a way to live through the guilt and the despair alone.
"There it is." He reached over and pointed to the small bean on the screen. "There's your baby, Carol."
She squeezed her eyes shut at those words, tears brimming behind them, and she dared herself to look. She had to see, had to confirm this with her own eyes, and she gulped before slowly, cautiously, daringly cracking open one eye then the other. She found the little bean instantly, and her heart simultaneously swelled and dropped and she shuddered.
There it was. It was right there in black and white, a small little gray thing clinging to life inside of her. It couldn't have been bigger than a pea, and she knew there was a list of fruits that were the same size at the fetus through the weeks, but she didn't remember it. She didn't care to even think on it, because there was the baby right before her eyes. Her baby.
Harlan smiled softly at the tears in her eyes and gave her a moment alone to view her child. He needed to have a word with Denise as it were, and now was a good time. He knew he needed a moment, given the last woman he examined in this room.
Once alone in the room, she pushed herself up and touched the screen, her finger over the little blimp that was her baby. She couldn't help the tears that rolled down her cheeks as her thin veil of hopeless desperation that this was all a hoax came crashing down around her, and she realized how she wasn't sad at all in this moment. She wasn't mourning her lost delusions. She wasn't crying for what was to come. She was crying for the life she'd accidentally made, a life her heart had already grown to love, a life she knew she couldn't bare to lose, and she knew there was no way in the world she was going to be able to leave this child. She would have to be dragged and beaten and killed, and even then she would find some way to be close to this baby, because it was hers. She would protect it like she hadn't been able to protect Sophia or Mika or Lizzie. She would do whatever she had to to ensure its future, and should she not survive, she would ensure her family—ensure Daryl—knew what to do and how to tend to this—her—baby.
––
Daryl was bombarding Harlan with question after question, Denise was in the RV with a few books Harlan had lent her, and Rick had received a crate of food from one of the woman who had heard about Carol's pregnancy. He wasn't sure what to do with it or how to thank them, but he was grateful. He liked how these two communities were coming together, helping each other out, and he was appreciative.
Carol meandered back to the RV, her eyes rimmed with red and puffy, and she hugged herself tightly. She silently stepped up inside the RV without speaking to Rick or Daryl, and they were worried for a moment something had gone wrong, but upon further investigation—here meaning following her into the RV—they found Denise and Carol looking over the sonogram together.
"It's like...the size of my fingertip." Denise read the data along the side of the sonogram, trying to find out how big it was.
"Did he figure out how far along you were?" Rick moved to take the wheel, observing the woman from the front seat.
"He said six weeks and five days." She hadn't taken her eyes off the little dot on the sonogram.
"It's so surreal." Denise looked at Carol's stomach. "I've never known any pregnant women, only Maggie, so...it's still weird how this is inside of you."
Carol smiled a little. "It was weird for me the first time with Sophia, but this time shouldn't feel like that."
Rick and Daryl's hearts both skipped a beat at the mention of the little girl the two felt they'd failed, Denise handed the sonogram back, and Denise moved to sit by Rick. Daryl didn't mind. He was trying to ask to see the sonogram as Carol hadn't offered, and he sat across from her silently, not sure if he should ask or not. It wasn't his kid, though she had shown Denise.
Carol lifted her gaze from the sonogram once the RV roared to life, her eyes falling on Daryl, who was eyeing the sonogram. She stood up and sat beside him, holding it out without a word spoken, and he gently took it from her. He scanned the black and white image, seeing the little dot Denise was talking about, and he remembered the last one he held. He didn't want the same results.
"Are you okay?" Carol asked at the drop in color from his face.
"Yeah." He tried to smile, but he wasn't fooling anyone. "I—it's real small, like Denise said."
"It won't always be," she assured him. If they were lucky.
"Yeah, I remember Lori." He saw her eyes shift from a double meaning he hadn't intended to give. "So, how soon can you know the sex?" he changed the subject.
"Around the fourth or fifth month. Why? Are you planning on painting a room pink or blue?"
"Nah, just curious."
Carol nodded. "I'm going to go lie down. I'm a little tired." She minded her footing as she walked to the back room and closed the door. She knew she wouldn't get much—or any—sleep, but it was worth a shot. She was tired—from crying, from worrying, from hoping against hope. She was wiped emotionally, and the baby was working on wiping her physically. Oh, well, she still needed to figure out how she was going to talk to Tobin when they returned to Alexandria, and she could think on that while she couldn't sleep.
– – –
Carol sought out Tobin the moment they returned to Alexandria, Rick informed Michonne on how it went and presented her with the basket for Carol, and Denise and Daryl headed to the clinic. He wasn't going there, but it was on the way to where he was going, so he walked with her.
Tobin was sitting on his porch, wrapping his hand, and she wondered for a moment what had happened. He did work construction, so it likely happened while he was working his shift. He was a clumsy man, and he probably shouldn't be left alone with tools.
"Hey."
He smiled a little at her, standing up. "You're back."
"Yeah." She reached out and assisted him with his hand, sitting with him and tenderly adjusting the wrapping. "What happened to you?"
"We were moving beams, and I cut my hand pretty bad." He winced at how tight she'd wrapped it, but that was how it was meant to be used. "Thanks."
She dropped her hands to her lap. "So...I have something for you."
"Yeah?" He watched her dig something out of her pocket, and he scooted closer to see what it was. "Is that...?"
"It's the baby." She held it out to him. "You can keep this. I had Harlan make a few copies."
He grasped the photo and ran his eyes over it. "Is...that it?"
"Yeah." She pointed it out just in case they weren't talking about the same thing. "It's six weeks, five days."
"That's a little over a month, right?"
"Yeah." She studied his face and how it softened, and she felt an acute pang spreading inside her heart. She'd never seen that reaction from the father before. Ed hadn't been too thrilled with her pregnancy. He didn't care about the appointments and all of that, but Tobin appeared to care. He mentioned wanting to come on the next one, and his eyes right now...how they clouded with tears...told her he was in this. One hundred and ten percent. There would be no beating him off with a stick. He wanted to be the father to their child. A decent father, one who loved this child, who joked with this child, who cared and looked at this child like a father should.
"You, uh—said could I keep this?" He tried to keep the emotions building up inside from his voice.
"Yes."
He nodded. "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me." She rose up and off the steps. "Have a good night, Tobin."
"You too." His eyes moved to her stomach. "Get some sleep, okay?"
She nodded and walked off, knowing there was more they should talk about, but it could be left for tomorrow. Right now she just wanted some time to herself. Tobin wasn't the only one to get emotional over the sonogram.
Carol found herself at the abandoned house, and she lowered herself down so that her back was against the firm door. She dug out the other picture she'd gotten from Harlan and gazed at it in the moonlight. She had only held a few of these in her hands in her entire life, and it was always the same rush of maternal feelings. This time, however, there was a bit of trepidation mixed in, and she knew why. With what happened with Lori, what happened with Sophia, with Mika and Lizzie and nearly Judith at the prison, it was no surprise.
She missed Lori. Every passing moment she missed her so much. They shared so many war stories and laughs on the road. She and Lori had grown rather close through her pregnancy and being the only two older women in the group. They could relate to certain things, and they bonded. She was like a sister Carol never had—and a friend she'd never had as Ed limited her contact with other people. She dearly wished she could have been with her in the end, just to hold her hand, to be there. She knew it wouldn't have changed anything, but it might change how she felt about losing Lori. She didn't know if that was true or not, but a small part of her wondered. It would likely always be there.
She set a hand on her stomach, the sonogram smooth against the cloth, and she recalled her first and what she always thought would be her last pregnancy. She pulled her legs in, swallowing the thickness in her throat. She dropped her head to her hand and tried to keep the tears from flooding her eyes, but it was ineffective. She inhaled deeply, mutely, and she buried her face in her hands, not entirely sure what the source behind the tears was, but they couldn't be stopped.
– – –
On the other side of the door Carol leaned against was Daryl. He'd escaped to the empty house for a moment's peace. He knew Michonne would be all over Carol once she got back from seeing Tobin, and he didn't want to be there to hear all about how Tobin felt about the baby and the sonogram—if she asked. He'd just chill out here until dinner was fixed then he'd head back and hope they were now at passing around the sonogram like it was gold or something.
He rubbed a finger over the little blimp on the sonogram he'd gotten from Carol. She hadn't asked for it back before she lied down, and she didn't ask once they were back in town, so he kept it. He'd return it first thing, but he wanted to keep it for tonight. It was weird, but he liked having proof of her kid. It was the future, and he was holding a picture of it. A little piece of Carol that would always be here. Well, if it all worked out.
He felt a strange stirring in his chest at the sight of this little fetus, and it wasn't like what he felt looking at Glenn and Maggie's sonogram. He knew this stirring was fueled by what had happened to Glenn and Maggie's baby, but he couldn't place what it was exactly. He'd figure it out eventually, but for now he didn't care. He was just relieved so far the baby was all right. Harlan said it was the right size and all that good stuff. He knew all of it, but he'd just been happy to hear the Doc say it.
He rested his head against the door and closed his eyes. He didn't know what would happen in the days to come, or where he and Carol would be, but he knew he would do his best to always be there. He wanted to be there, for her, for her kid, and he wasn't going to let history repeat itself, if he could help it. He was scared he might just have to let life happen, but he'd tried his best to keep a handle on everything. Although pregnancies and babies weren't something you could get an easy handle on.
He closed his eyes and sighed, the sound echoing in the hall, and he could see the sonogram without even looking at it. He wasn't sure what his emotions were, but he was happy, and he was there for her, whatever she or the baby needed. He had a feeling he might regret that, as she may send him out for weird food she might crave, but what the hell? It wasn't like he had anything else to do.
