***TRIGGER WARNING***
Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Four
ARIZONA'S POV
God, I'm in so much pain. I thought the pain I'd felt over the last couple of days was bad, but this is so much worse. I can feel Eliza beside me, but I can't look at her. I can't open my eyes because when I do, she will have that look of disgust on her face. For me. For what happened. For how I look. I know they've told her about the repeated rape, and honestly, I'd rather she just left and took my kids away from me. Eliza and my family may have been the only thing that kept me going throughout it all, but now that I'm out of that place, I can't look at her. I can't even bring myself to think about my kids. Why? Because they're not mine anymore. They haven't been since I allowed him to do what he did to me. Since he forced me onto that table and I lay there and took it. The pain…god, the pain was like nothing I've ever felt in my life. Whether he was assaulting me or punching me in the side of the face when he pleased, that pain is something I will never forget. It's something that will never lessen.
I know that I've lost an amazing thing with my wife, but I had no choice. I had to survive. Even though I've been left with nothing, I had to survive so I could have some way of seeing my kids grow up. Even though it will only be from afar. Honestly, I just need to know that my wife will get through this pregnancy safely and I can leave with that knowledge. I don't know where I'll go and I don't know what I'll do, but my business is gone. It's done. This was the final straw for me and I don't want to ever step foot inside that office again. I'll hand the whole thing over to Jo if she wants it. If not…I'll sell up. Hell, I'll give it away. My time with my career is more than done and the only good thing I can bring away with me right now is the fact that Eliza and the kids will be set for the rest of their lives. Me? I no longer matter. Maybe I could stay with mom, I don't know.
Hitting the alert button to the side of me, I remain still until a nurse comes by. The more I move, the more it hurts. The more I think, the more painful everything becomes. I mean, I have a wife sitting beside me but I don't know why she's here. Maybe she needs answers. Maybe she needs to know what happened to me so she can finally leave and never look back. Right now, I can't have that conversation. I want to so she can be free, but I can't. It's too raw. Just like my body. That guy quite literally took everything from me…everything that I could never possibly get back.
"Mrs. Robbins." A nurse steps inside the room and approaches my bed. "Are you in pain?"
"A lot." I breathe out. "Can I get something for it?"
"One to ten…" She asks.
"Seven, maybe." I groan as I try to shift without waking Eliza. "What time did she come by?"
"She hasn't left." The nurse states. "I offered her a cot but she refused." She smiles. "You have a wonderful wife."
"Yeah…" I agree. Not for much longer. "Thank you." I give her a slight nod as she administers more medication.
"Give it a few minutes and you will feel a little better." Slipping out of my room, I glance to my right and find Eliza watching me. She's just watching me and saying nothing.
"You should be at home…"
"No, I should be here with you." She shifts in her seat and leans in a little closer. "My wife."
"I'm not your wife anymore…" I give her a sad smile. "I'm sorry about everything that happened."
"You are my wife." She says with complete certainty. "And you are the mom to our beautiful kids." Something flickering in her eyes, she stands and closes the distance between us. "I need your hand a minute…"
"W-Why?" I close down a little.
"Because someone is checking in with you…" She settles it against her stomach and our baby girl kicks. "Wanted to say hi…and tell you that she loves you."
"Until she arrives and sees what I am." My voice breaks. "Who I am."
"Arizona…" Eliza breathes out, her fingers lacing with my own. "I know you've been through the worst time imaginable, but I'm not leaving your side. I'm not going anywhere."
"How can you even look at me?" I give her a look of disgust. "How can you ever touch me again? Look at me…"
"Because I love you." She gives me one of her gorgeous smiles. "I love you, and unless you don't love me anymore, I'm not leaving your side. I'm not leaving our life that we share together."
"I thought about you…" I stare at the ceiling, my eyes filling with tears. "Whenever I was conscious, I thought about you."
"I thought about you, too." She runs her thumb gently over my knuckles. "Every minute of the day."
"Eliza…" I turn to face her. "How can we ever be okay after this?"
"Because we love each other enough to work through this." She pulls her chair closer and drops down in it. "I love you enough to help you through everything that's happened."
"You don't hate me?" I ask, surprise evident in my voice. "I don't disgust you?"
"Never, beautiful." She rests her head in the palm of her hand, her elbow propping her up. "I know you don't want this, but the detectives working your case will be here soon and they really need to ask you some questions."
"W-Will you stay with me?" I stutter. "I'm sure you don't want to, but I could use someone right now."
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere…and I meant it."
"I thought I was going to die," I admit. "I wanted to die."
"I'm never leaving your side again." God, I'd give anything for a hug from Eliza right now. "Whatever you need…you've got it."
"Can I ask you something?" My voice breaks and she simply nods. "I don't expect you to agree or be okay with it, but could I get a hug?"
"It's all I want right now." She breathes out as she lowers the rail that is separating us. "Would you mind if I climb inside?"
"Y-You're sure?" I suddenly feel like I should stop this. "I haven't showered…"
"Are you able to shower?" Eliza asks as she pulls back.
"N-No, not really."
"Then I will help you…" She climbs into the bed beside me and it feels good. "Once I've had a long overdue cuddle from you…"
I don't know why I ever doubted her...
I don't know at what point I fell asleep but I did, in my wife's arms. I just felt safe. Like I knew I would. I know we have a lot to discuss and I know the police are waiting to talk to me but I just need a few more minutes of this silence. This calmness. My wife's arms around my waist gently. The difference in her touch to what I've experienced the last couple of days is a little overwhelming but I have to try to not push her away. She has told me she is here for me and I have to accept that. Whether I want to run and never look back or not, she is here and she loves me. I always knew she loved me. It's why I held on. It's why I didn't take that knife from him and cut my own throat. I'd thought about it. I'd wondered how easy it would be, how quick it would be. Something stopped me and I know that it's this woman in my arms who did that. I know deep down, I couldn't ever bring myself to end my life. My family is too important to me and they would never have survived that.
"You feeling okay?" Eliza asks, her voice filled with sleep.
"Tired and sore." I croak out, my mouth desperate for some fluids. "Sorry I kept you here…"
"I wanted to be kept here by you." She slowly sits up, her baby bump preventing her from climbing from my bed with ease. "Sorry, I'll give you some space."
"The detectives are still outside, aren't they?" I glance at the door but thankfully, I've been given a lot of privacy.
"Yeah, I think they are."
"Where is mom?" I ask, trying to sit up a little better in the bed. "Ow! Fuck!"
"What's wrong?" Eliza rushes to my side. "Arizona…"
"N-Nothing." I clear my throat. "Just the bruising around my ribs." I lie. I can't even bring myself to tell her that there is a throbbing pain between my legs.
"Arizona…" She takes a seat beside me. "You can be honest with me…I'm not going to run."
"No, I can't." I sigh. "You don't need to know the details. I'm okay."
"But if you need to talk…" She gives me a knowing look. "Please, just don't hold it all in, okay?"
"Okay." I nod. "Can you ask them to come in?"
"You're sure?" My wife raises an eyebrow. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do." God, I wish he'd said that to me. "I'll get you all the time you need, you know that."
"I want to get it out of the way." I give her a small smile. "Then I need to shower…I have to shower." My skin feels like it is crawling but I'm in too much pain to even attempt to climb from this bed. Honestly, I'm not sure my knees could carry my weight right now.
"Sure." She approaches the door and steps outside. I know she's giving me a moment alone and I appreciate that, but I'll have to do this sometime. I'll have to go through my ordeal before too long and the sooner I can try to move on, the better for me.
"Arizona, hi." A female detective steps into my room and approaches me. "Detective Sanchez." Holding out her hand, I take it in my own and give it a slight shake. "I know this isn't an ideal time for you, but it would be really helpful if we could get an idea of what is going on here?"
"Sure." I nod. "What did you want to know?" Eliza comes back into the room and is by my side within seconds. "Hey, are you sure you want to be here for this?"
"I'm not leaving…" She squeezes my hand and focuses her eyes on the detective. "Unless you don't want me here for this, I'm staying."
"Just...I need you to know something." I face her fully. "I wasn't just beaten, Eliza." My voice breaks. "I wasn't just held against my will."
"I know." She gives me a sad smile. "I know…" I know she knows but I've never actually said the words to her. Honestly, I'm not sure I can. "Just…do what we have to do here, yeah?"
"Yeah." Having her presence beside me is comforting enough right now and I know that I can do this. I know that I can say or do anything without being judged.
"Do you have any idea where you were being held, Arizona?"
"In the city," I say. "Like, an old warehouse but close to everything."
"So, not by the water?" Detective Sanchez furrows her brow. "More inland?"
"Oh, yeah." I nod. "When I got out, I found myself close to the office. M-My office. I just can't say exactly where I was. I was barely conscious."
"Do you think maybe over time…it will come back to you?" She raises her eyebrow. "With some rest?"
"I don't see why not." I shrug. "I don't remember a lot right now but I haven't slept really…"
"Understandable." She smiles.
"They killed him, though," I say with certainty. "He left to get food. Told me to clean myself up."
"Okay…"
"I heard him coming back when I was in a different room and there was some kind of closet or cupboard…I put myself in there hoping he would think I'd escaped…and they shot him. There was a guy speaking another language but the guy who took me wasn't one of them. He was an American guy."
"So, the guy who took you and held you…he's dead?"
"Bullet to the head." I scoff. "I guess they figured he'd let me go and didn't need him around anymore."
"They didn't look for you?"
"No." I shake my head. "There was a scuffle. I waited a while but I don't know how long…then I left. I had to."
"I'm so happy you did." My wife presses her lips to the back of my hand. "I thought I'd never see you again, Arizona."
"I didn't think I'd ever get out of there."
"Do you recall anything from the day you left home?" Sanchez asks. "When you were run off the road?"
"It was a black pick up truck." I nod. "Old…maybe a Ford?"
"And it was the same guy?"
"He had the same voice but I can't be sure that it was the same guy." I close my eyes and grit my teeth as a dull ache settles in my jaw. "If it was him, he's dead. I stepped over his body as I left…"
"Are you in pain?" My wife asks.
"A little…" I nod. "Can we do the rest of this another time?" Sanchez sees the pleading in my eyes and nods, closing her notepad. "Thank you."
"Maybe you should rest up until you are home?" She suggests. "We have all of the forensics we need and we are still looking for the people responsible for this."
"You think it's Shvenka?"
"Well, not him." The detective sits back in her seat. "Someone shot him in the back three weeks ago."
"Wow, okay."
"The deal your wife pulled two years ago…we have reason to believe that the hotel was to be used for prostitution and human trafficking."
"You did good pulling that deal." I glance at Eliza and she drops her gaze. "Hey…you did."
"Yeah, and look what happened because I did." She scoffs. "I almost had my wife killed."
"No, that's not true." I squeeze her hand.
"Shvenka was in partnership with another guy back in Russia…Shirokov." Sanchez explains. "The bulk of the finance for the deal was coming from him…he's been on our watch list for some time."
"Okay…'
"When Eliza pulled the deal…something flagged up on our system and Shirokov was brought in for questioning…anyway, cut a long story short, he lost his money and went after Shvenka."
"And now that he's dead…they want their money back from me?" I sigh.
"That is what we believe…" She nods slowly. "I have to warn you both, though…you shouldn't expect this to be the last of them."
"No, nothing is ever that simple." I rest my head back and close my eyes. "When can I get out of here?"
"Your doctors believe that another day or so of rest and you should be able to return home." Sanchez stands. "We will have someone on the house at all times."
"And my kids? My wife? What are they going to do?"
"Protection will be on them at all times, too." She gives me a reassuring smile. "You'll be returning to the family home, yes?"
"Oh, I don't know yet." I clear my throat. "That is something I need to discuss with my wife."
"Yes, she is coming home…" Eliza cuts in.
"Just…not right now, okay?" I give her a pleading look. "We need to talk."
"I'll let you both get some rest." Slipping out of my room, the detective closes the door behind her and I glance at Eliza to find her giving me a look of confusion.
"What?" I furrow my brow.
"You're coming home with me, Arizona…"
"I can't." I shake my head. "I just…I should move in with mom."
"Please, don't do this…" She stands and moves closer to me. "You should be at home with us."
"And have the kids see me like this?" I scoff. "I don't think so…"
"So, what are we supposed to do?" Eliza brushes a tear from her cheek. "How am I supposed to sleep at night without you by my side?"
"I'm sure you'll live." I give her a sad smile. "Once you know everything, you won't ever want to be in the same room as me again…let alone the same bed."
"I know what happened, Arizona." She sighs. "I know that we have a huge road ahead of us, but I'm here for you. I'm your wife and I need to be here for you. Please…just let me do that?"
"I need some space." I drop my gaze. "Go home and sleep…you need to look after yourself."
"Y-You want me to leave?" She chokes out. "You don't want me here?"
"Right now, no." I glance up at her to find the most heartbreaking sight. "I'm sorry…I just need some time alone."
"R-Right, yeah." She approaches me and hesitates. "C-Can I hug you?"
"Yeah…" I open my arms. "I'm sorry, Eliza…I really am."
"I just want you to be okay." She breathes out as her arms wrap around me gently. "I just want you at home with me."
"I was raped…" My voice barely above a whisper, I feel like I need to tell her. Whether she knows or not, I needed to say those words to her. "If you can't do this, I understand. I wouldn't ever expect you to be okay with it, but I needed you to know."
"I know…" She pulls back, tears falling from her eyes. "I know, but we are going to be okay. I promise you…"
"God, I wish I could believe you right now." My eyes close as I try to hold back my own tears. Eliza doesn't need to see me break down…because when I do, I'm not sure my tears will ever stop. "Will you come back later?"
"Of course, I will." She smiles. "You want me to bring you some comfortable clothes?"
"That would be really great." I give her a thankful smile. "I'd call you but I don't have a cell."
"I'll pick you one up on the way home." She presses a kiss to my forehead. "Sleep, okay? Anything you need, you have a nurse call me and I'll be right back here…"
"I miss the kids…" My voice breaks.
"They miss you, too." She backs up towards the door. "But we will all be together before we know it, right?"
"Right…" I give her a fake smile. "Yeah."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
