Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Five
ELIZA'S POV
Three days later…
Heartbreaking. That's all I can say right now. Everything about this situation is heartbreaking and as the days pass, the less I believe in my abilities as a wife. The less I believe that we can ever fix this. Arizona is broken. Her body. Her mind. Everything. Everything about my gorgeous, intelligent wife is broken and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She's shut down on me. That may be the case, but who can blame her? Who can possibly tell her to just get up and get on with it? She's in pain. She's hurting. She's devastated. This isn't a 'life goes on' moment for either of us and we both know that. We both know that the next few weeks…months...maybe even years is going to be incredibly hard, but I'm here for it. I'm here more so than ever before. Arizona returned to our home after I all but begged her at the hospital but I know she doesn't want to be here. I know she doesn't want to sit with me or talk to me or share her life with me. I'm not hurt or offended by that, but in some way, I guess I am. A tiny part of me wonders if she will ever want that with me again. A tiny part of me is waiting for her to pack up and leave. I cannot allow that to happen, but I also can't keep her here. I may want a life with her and a home with her, but ultimately, that decision lies with Arizona.
Barbara has just left our home with the twins, and I don't even know how my wife feels about seeing them. She was quite distant if I'm being honest and I didn't expect that. We decided that it would be best if Xavi and Soraya avoided seeing Arizona right now, but the twins don't understand what is going on. They won't remember their mom with a swollen face and bruised body. A fractured jaw and black eyes. It broke my heart watching her interact with them but she wanted to see them. She wanted some time with them and I would never stop that from happening, regardless of how she is feeling inside. Honestly, I was hoping it would give her a little relief from her inner turmoil but I'm not sure it has. I don't think it's made anything worse, but she didn't react to them how I thought she would.
She was closed off. Distant. Both mentally and physically. There was little to no contact with them but thankfully, they didn't get anything from that. They didn't wonder why mommy didn't want to hug them or kiss them. They didn't wonder why she wasn't on the floor playing with them. This is heartbreaking, it really is. Clearing my throat as I wave Barbara off, I close the door and give myself a moment to compose myself. I feel like I'm going to cry at any moment lately and it isn't what Arizona needs. It isn't what she needs to see or be a part of. Everything is just getting on top of me and not knowing what to do is making me insane. If I could just take all of her pain and fear away, I would. In a heartbeat, I would.
"I'm making some lunch, can I get you anything?" I head further inside our home and find my wife sitting on the couch, staring at the coffee table.
"No, thanks." She says, her voice void of anything and everything. "I'm not here, remember…"
"But you are." I give her a small smile but she doesn't even make eye contact with me. "And I want you here…"
"You should go and see the kids." She says, her eyes still firmly on anything but me. "You're their mom and they need you."
"I spent enough time with them last night...and they have a busy day today."
"Then I should just leave…" She attempts to move but I approach her. "Don't, Eliza."
"Don't what?" I back up a little and close my eyes, tears threatening to fall. "I just wanted to sit in the same room as you for a while…"
"Why?" She glances up at me finally. "So you can stare at me and feel sorry for me?"
"N-No." My shoulders slump. "Never mind, I'll give you some space." Turning, tears fall hard and fast but I can't stop them. "I just want to love you…" I whisper to myself as I head into the kitchen. Braced against the kitchen counter, I hear slow and sluggish footsteps behind me but I can't turn around. Seeing Arizona in pain is too much for me right now and honestly, I don't feel so good. My body doesn't feel good.
"I'm taking a lie down." She says, that emotion in her voice still scarce. "See you later."
"Y-Yeah." I clear my throat. "If you need anything, I'm here."
"Yeah, sure." Watching my wife disappear past me, her walking has improved a little over the last day or so but I know she's still in pain. I know she is in a world of pain, a pain I'm not sure I can ever take away.
"A-Arizona…" She turns back to face me. "I love you."
"Okay." Taking the stairs slowly, my wife once again disappears from our daily life and I'm left standing alone in the kitchen, wondering where the hell our perfect life went.
Taking my cell in my hands, I bring up detective Sanchez details and hit the call button. I don't know why I'm calling her, but I feel like I need to call someone. Someone who isn't a part of our usual life. Someone who doesn't know us. Teddy has begged me to allow her here but Arizona doesn't want that. She doesn't want anyone here other than her mom. Daniel and Tim left home yesterday but she doesn't know. She doesn't know that her dad and brother are hunting down the bastards who did this to her and I cannot be the one to tell her. The detectives don't know about it either and Barbara has made me promise not to let it slip to anyone. Not a soul. I'd thought about speaking up, but honestly…this could be the only way. If we want this to end, we may have to take matters into our own hands. They know what they're doing and I don't believe they would do this unless they were sure they would have an outcome. Neither of them wants to leave Arizona, but needs must I guess.
"Mrs. Robbins?"
"H-Hi, uh…Arizona needs to speak to someone…"
"About the case?" She asks. "I can leave the station now…"
"No, not about the case." I grit my teeth. "While you may be desperate for information, my wife is in a bad way. She won't eat. She isn't sleeping. I don't know the last time she even used the bathroom. I just…she needs to talk to someone."
"I'll have someone over there today." She agrees. "I don't know how much good it will do since its so early on, but I believe you know what your wife needs."
"Damn right I do." I spit.
"I'll call you when I've spoken to our therapist. Unless you have a preference?"
"Do we look like the kind of people who have our own therapist?" I scoff. "Life was great before those bastards did this."
"I understand." She clears her throat. "Leave it with me."
"Okay." Ending the call, I take a bottle of water from the refrigerator and move into the living room. Taking the spot my wife was in only moments ago, her scent hits me and a small smile curls on my mouth. No matter what we're about to face, I know that her presence will always be needed here. In our home. In our lives. Just…in our family.
Climbing the stairs slowly, our bedroom door is cracked open slightly but I don't hear any sound coming from inside. I hope Arizona is sleeping since it hasn't been possible lately, but I have a feeling she isn't. She just lies there. Still. Motionless. She doesn't sleep in her usual position or bother to make herself comfortable. She just lies there…waiting. Staring. Breathing. It's devastating to see, but I have to maintain my belief that things will get better. They have to. Pushing the door open slowly, she turns her head slightly and finds my eyes. "Sorry I woke you."
"You didn't." Her eyes return to the ceiling.
"I, uh…I'm just taking a nap." I lean against the frame of the door. "I'll take the guest room. If you need anything, wake me." Pushing off the door, I turn on my heel but the clearing of my wife's throat causes me to stop.
"Would you lie with me?" She asks, her voice barely audible. "Please?"
"I'd love to lie with you." I give her a sad smile. "Did you need anything?"
"N-No." She shakes her head slightly. "I can't take any more meds yet."
"Maybe something to eat?" I suggest. "Drink?"
"I'm okay right now." She gives me the smallest of smiles. "Maybe later…" Simply nodding, I round the end of our bed and take a seat on the edge. Lying back, my body is relieved to be in a comfortable position but I'm not sure if Arizona really wants me here. She has been so off with me that I don't know what to do for the best. Her hand suddenly finding my own, she laces our fingers together but doesn't say anything. Not a single word.
Closing my eyes and just enjoying this moment alone with her, I can feel that lump settling in my throat but now isn't the time to let my emotions get the better of me. Now isn't the time to be weak. Arizona needs support and crying isn't showing support. Her grip tightening, I feel her body shake beside me and it breaks my heart. "Hey…" I want to pull her into my arms but I don't want to freak her out. "What do you need?"
"I-I'm sorry." She cries, her eyes closing. "For how I spoke to you before."
"Don't worry about it." I try to calm her down. "I know you didn't mean it."
"It doesn't matter." She wipes a tear from her jawline, her right hand still tangled with my left. "You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry."
"Okay…" I wipe a tear from her face as I turn on my side as best as I can. "You know I'm here for you, right?"
"What does that mean?" She asks, her sobs subsiding.
"If you need anything, or if you wanted to talk…I'm here for you," I say. "I called Sanchez and asked her about maybe having someone come over who you can talk to…"
"N-No." She shakes her head. "No, Eliza…I don't want to do that."
"Okay." I can see she is beginning to panic and I really don't want her to worry any more than she already is. "I'll cancel."
"Promise?" She turns her head and her lifeless blue eyes stare back at me. "Promise you won't make me do that?"
"I promise." I lift her hand and press a kiss to her skin. "But I do think you need that at some point."
"I-I could talk to you…" Her voice trembles. "…if you would listen?"
"You can talk to me all night long, Arizona…" I squeeze her hand. "Until the sun comes up."
"Can I, uh…can I touch you?" She has a look of complete fear in her eyes. "Your skin?" Simply nodding, her hand settles on my stomach beneath my tee and rests on our unborn child. "Is this okay?" She asks, glancing down at her hand.
"More than okay." I settle mine over her own. "Whenever you need this…you've got it."
"I'm scared." She breathes out. "About everything…"
"Tell me what everything is."
"That I'm going to lose you." She admits. "That you will wake up one day and realize what we have become and you'll leave…"
"I don't ever want to live without you, Arizona. That will never change." While she is talking, I need to keep her doing it. "You know how much I loved you last week?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, I love you even more than that this week." Her eyes find mine and they look a little less dull. "And I'm not telling you this because of what happened…I'm telling you because you're my wife and you mean the world to me. Whether we are okay or not, I love you and I'm here for whatever you need."
"I love you, too." Her voice barely above a whisper, our baby kicks and the first smile I've seen in days appears on her mouth. "I love you all…"
"We know you do." I nod. "I've never questioned that."
"I have to try harder."
"Try harder at what?" I furrow my brow.
"At being better." She sighs. "At being myself."
"You're perfect however you're feeling." Shifting slowly in our bed, Arizona moves closer to me and suddenly curls her body around my own. I know she is trying not to groan in pain, but she will get herself comfortable. She will know what is best for her.
"Thank you." She cries into my chest. "For not kicking me out…" I don't even want to respond to that comment. One, because it's complete nonsense and two...because I'm scared she is going to leave this space we're sharing. Her arms feel too good around me right now. Her body just being close to me is more than I ever thought I would get when I woke this morning. "I'm sorry…"
"I don't want to hear any more apologies from you…" My hand settles on her back. "Just…we work together, okay?"
"Please don't leave me."
"Never." I turn my body into my wife's and her grip on my tee tightens. "We're forever, Arizona…forever."
"You'll help me through this?" She asks, her cries lessening. "No judgment?"
"None whatsoever," I say with certainty. "You are who matters and I want to be the one who works through this with you. I want to only ever be the one for you, Arizona."
"We're having a baby…" I can feel her smiling against me. "A gorgeous baby girl."
"We are." I run my fingers through her hair. "And she is going to love you just as much as the boys and Soraya do."
"You think?" She glances up at me, her eyes red and swollen more so than before. "Even after all of this?"
"Because of all of this." I press a kiss to her forehead. "I know you won't always want to lie here with me like this, but do you think maybe we could nap together?" I know when she wakes this will all be totally different, but I'm taking what I can get right now. I have to. If after this snuggle I have to wait until forever for another, then that is what I will do. I'll wait an entire lifetime for my wife. "Only if you want to…"
"Yeah." She agrees. "Can we talk tonight?" She asks, her voice sleepy. "About what happened?"
"If that is what you want…yes." I want her to be open and honest with me, but I don't expect tonight to happen. Maybe it will, I don't know…but what I do know is that whenever Arizona is ready to talk…so am I.
Something tells me we are both about to sleep a little better for the first time in days…
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
