***TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE***
Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Six
ARIZONA'S POV
I slept. For the first time in what feels like forever…I slept. Not on and off or broken, but a deep sleep. A sleep I wasn't sure I'd ever wake from. Eliza was still holding me when I woke and honestly, she is the only thing keeping me alive right now. She is the only thing that feels real since I got out of my worst nightmare. Seeing the twins earlier only made me feel worse about myself. I couldn't bring myself to hold them. Not only because of how I'm feeling inside, but because I'm in pain. Everything hurts still. My entire body. My mind. The bruises that I know are going to eventually fade. The cut to the side of my head doesn't seem as prominent as before but I know it hasn't changed in size. Noah and Joshua don't need to see me in this condition and there is no way Xavi or Soraya are going to see me until I'm healed on the outside. I want to see them more than anything and I want to hear their laughter but it just isn't possible right now. Why? Because they don't need to be traumatised like their mom is. They don't need to wonder what happened and ask questions. I could never lie to my kids so no, they cannot be here with me right now.
If Eliza wants me to leave so the kids can come home, I will do that for her. For them. I just want things to be normal, especially for our eldest two. I know their friend's parents have heard all about it via the media, but I'd hope they would keep their kids away from that information so my own don't overhear anything. I couldn't bear the thought of having that kind of discussion with them. I'd leave before they had the opportunity to ask. Climbing from our bed that my wife left around ten minutes ago, I'm thankful for the space she has given me, but I think I want to be around her a little more this evening. She has shown me nothing but love and support from the moment she arrived at the hospital and honestly, most of the time when I'm with her…things feel a little more normal. I know nothing is normal in our life right now, but at least it feels that way at times. At least I can lie to myself and pretend, even if just for five minutes.
Taking the stairs slowly, I find Eliza in the kitchen and preparing one of her lemon teas. I could really use a strong coffee right now but I'm not sure I can stomach it. Yes, I'm super hungry, but I don't feel like I can really face food right now. "Hey…" My wife gives me a small smile. "You want one?"
"Maybe I'll take a coffee?" Crossing the distance, I head for one of the kitchen stools and drag myself up on it. "Did you have any plans for dinner?"
"Well, I figured I would order in." She shrugs. "If you wanted to join me, I would really love that."
"Food?"
"Pizza…" She glances up at me. "It's what Baby Robbins wants right now."
"Maybe we could sit together for a few hours…" My wife sets a coffee down in front of me and the aroma hits me square in the face. "You know, I uh…I was wondering if the offer to talk was still on?" I toy with the cup now in my hands.
"Of course." She studies my face. "Whatever you want to say…I'm here to listen."
"I think I'll try some pizza with you." I nod. "But if you want to be alone, just let me know and I will get out of your hair."
"I don't want you to leave my side, Arizona." She leans over the island as best as her bump will allow and takes my hand in her own. "Just…tell me if I'm becoming too much, okay?"
"Too much?" I furrow my brow.
"I just don't know what is and isn't acceptable right now." She clears her throat. "I don't know what you want from me in terms of physical contact."
"I'm sorry." I drop my gaze and focus on my coffee cup. "I promise I'm not trying to push you away…"
"No, I know." She squeezes my hand. "But I don't want to initiate anything…"
"I guess I won't know until it happens." I sip my coffee and it actually tastes amazing. I haven't had much of an appetite at all since I arrived at the hospital. Only eating to help with my meds when absolutely necessary. "But I appreciate your honesty."
"I guess it's the most important thing right now." Eliza gives me a small smile. "Did you want to call the kids?"
"Oh, uh…I-I don't know." My anxiety creeping back in, Eliza can sense me beginning to shut down. "D-Do you think that would be okay?"
"Okay with who?" She gives me a look of confusion.
"You…"
"They ask about you every time I call, Arizona." She takes her cell from the counter. "You are their mom and they miss you."
"I miss them too." My voice breaks. "I promise I do."
"You don't have to convince me…" She rounds the counter and sets her cell down in front of me. "I know exactly how much you love our kids."
"I just don't know if it's a good idea." I glance up at my wife, expecting all the answers in the world from her. "What do you think?"
"I think…if you want to speak to them, you should call them." I appreciate that she isn't pushing me right now, I really do. "Entirely up to you."
Picking up my wife's cell, I press the call button she has ready and waiting for me and wait for my call to connect. A familiar voice greeting me, I'm relieved to find my mom answering the phone. I had wondered if Eliza was lying when she told me the kids were with her, but I guess deep down, I knew they would be. "Hi, Mom."
"Arizona, honey…it's so good to hear your voice."
"Yours, too." I smile. "Are the kids behaving?"
"Of course, they are." Mom reassures me. "Soraya is taking a bath and Xavi is sitting right beside me."
"You think he may want to speak to me?" I ask.
"Mom!" The sound of my son's voice causing tears to well in my eyes, I close them and try to fight back the urge to cry. "Are you there?"
"I am, buddy." I breathe out. "So good to speak to you."
"Where are you?" He asks, his voice laced with confusion. "You said only one night."
"I know I did…but something came up and mommy had to work a little longer." I lie. "I'll see you soon, though."
"Promise?"
"I promise." I nod slowly. "Are you taking care of your sister for Grandma?"
"Yup. Grandma said we've been the best kids."
"Well, duh!" I laugh, my ribs aching. "I love you…"
"I love you, mom." He sighs. "I miss you more."
"Nu-uh…not possible." I glance up to find my wife watching me, a smile on her face. "You know, when I'm home…I'm taking you out for pizza."
"Yeah?" His voice is laced with excitement. "Really?"
"So much pizza…"
"You're the best." Damn, I wish that was true right now. "I got to sleep now, mom."
"You have." I glance at the clock. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay…love you."
"Love you too, big man. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, mom." Our call ending, I stare down at the screen and wonder if my two eldest kids have grown since I last saw them. Since I last hugged them tightly and laughed with them. God, I wish things were different right now. I wish none of this had happened and I was settling down for a relaxing evening with my wife. Pregnancy talk. Holding one another. Maybe I could try to have a normal night. I don't know how successful that will be, but if I clear my mind…just maybe this evening won't be as bad as I once thought. I know I have to talk about everything that is going on right now, and I'm okay with Eliza being that person for me…I just don't want it to ruin our evening. The evening I'm trying hard to make normal for us both.
"You enjoyed that, huh?" She pulls me from my thoughts. "Talking to Xavi…"
"I did…" I breathe out.
"That is the first time your eyes have lit up like that since you came home." Eliza gives me a sad smile. "Felt good seeing you like that."
"I'm hoping that will continue tonight." I slowly climb down from my stool. "I'll grab some meds and then we will order dinner, okay?"
"You still wanna spend the evening with me?" My wife's voice breaks.
"I do, Eliza." I step a little closer to her and my hand settles on her bump. "I was hoping you could update me on this little one?"
"I'd love that."
Okay, so I ate way more than I thought I would. I guess having my wife by my side is doing more good than I imagined it would. It's not that I ever doubted her, but I don't want to put her through all of this. She is heavily pregnant and she doesn't need this. None of us do, but Eliza…she really doesn't need it. She should be relaxing and preparing for a problem free birth. She should be getting her hospital bag ready. She should be doing all the things we did the past four times…but she's not. She's here and fixing me. Trying, at least. I want nothing more than to go back to how we once were, but can that ever truly happen? Can we ever really put this behind us over time and be happy again? Right now, it doesn't feel like we ever will. Right now, it doesn't feel like I'll ever take my life back…but I guess it's early days. Very early days.
"I really need to pee…" Eliza pulls me from my thoughts. "Did you need anything while I'm up?"
"No, you've done more than enough for me this evening." I give her a small appreciative smile. "You should relax…"
"I am." She grazes my knuckles with her thumb. "I'm relaxing with you…"
"Thank you for trying, Eliza." I take her hand in my own. "It can't be easy for you being here with me...so thank you."
"You're safe and by my side…" She leans in and presses a kiss below my ear. "That is more than enough for me right now." God, that kiss felt so good.
"You do what you need to do, okay?" I relax back, my body significantly less sore than it was when I woke this morning. "I'm okay here."
"I'm using the bathroom and then I will be back." She smiles as she climbs to her feet. "I've enjoyed this evening with you…"
"Yeah?" Feels good to hear her say that.
"I've really enjoyed it." She breathes out as she heads for the staircase. "Just…don't leave, okay?"
"I won't." Watching my wife leave, she looks as beautiful as ever tonight. It's no secret that I find her the most attractive woman in the world, but we are so far from that right now. I couldn't even imagine getting naked in front of her but I think Eliza knows that that side of our marriage isn't likely to exist for the foreseeable. How could I expect her to just be okay with that? My eyes closing, I rest my head back and focus on my breathing. It's the only thing that stops me from crying lately but I'll do what I have to do and work through this however I feel is best.
I appreciate that she is trying to get me the help I need, but I really don't want to discuss any of this with some whack. Maybe in time, I will but right now I'm not there yet. If Eliza needs to know anything, I can do that…but only with her. Not with someone who is going to go back and discuss my mental state with another whack. It's just not who I am. None of this is who I am. The sound of my wife returning, my eyes open and I lift my head. "I wondered if I'd ever see you again…"
Taking a seat beside me, Eliza doesn't say anything but I know she is just allowing me to take this at my own pace. She is simply listening. No judgment…just like she promised. "It wasn't so bad at first…" I focus on the coffee table in front of me. "The pain in my jaw was my biggest worry when I first saw him. When he took the blindfold off. I just...I thought if I kept quiet, he wouldn't be so bad."
Nothing…
"Then he talked about you and the kids and I lost it. Told him to fuck off." I sigh. "That's when he got rougher. Told me to move from the seat I was in." My eyes burning through the expensive glass table, they narrow and I can see him. I can feel him. His breath. His hands. Everything about him…it's here, in this room with me right now. "He forced me onto a table in the middle of the room. Said if I wouldn't give you up, he'd r-rape me instead." My stomach turning at the thought, Eliza settles her hand over my own. "I couldn't allow him to hurt you or the kids…"
"Arizona…"
"I'm okay." I glance her way, unshed tears in my eyes. "I need to say this. To someone…I need to say it."
"Okay…" She nods slowly. "But you stop…if it becomes too much, you stop okay?"
"Okay." She sits back next to me and I instinctively shift closer to her. I like her being by my side. It feels normal. "T-The pain." I close my eyes. "The pain was like nothing I've ever felt in my life." I can hear her breathing becoming a little unsteady, but I can't look at my wife right now. I can't see that heartbreak in her eyes while I'm talking this out. "I just…I didn't know what else to do. If I didn't just take it, he would've killed me and I'd have never seen you again." Brushing a tear from my jawline, her hand tightens around my own and I know she's got me. I know she's here for me. "That night, he drugged me. I thought he was being a half decent human being in some weird way and giving me something to drink, but he drugged me."
"Oh god…" I'm not sure she was supposed to say that out loud, but she did. I can hear the fear in her voice.
"When I woke up, I was naked." I can remember how cold I felt. How I just needed to be at home and warm. With my wife. My kids. In the home I'd worked my ass off for. "I don't know what he did to me, but I knew it wasn't good."
"I'm so sorry." My wife whispers, her body frozen in its spot. "I'm so so sorry…"
"When I had the opportunity to run, I knew I had to." I shift in my seat. "I just…can we do this?" My voice breaks as I face Eliza fully. "Can you honestly say that this isn't going to change anything between us?"
"Yes." She breathes out, her eyes flickering closed.
"When the time comes…and I don't know when that will be, can you really look at me how you used to? Can you love me like you used to?" I ask. "I wouldn't ever expect you to stay if you couldn't be intimate with me again, Eliza. I'd understand."
"I'll wait forever if I have to…" She stares at me, tears slipping down her gorgeous skin. "I just want to hold you and never let you go." She cries. "I want to sleep with you in my arms and wake with you in my arms but I don't know if you want that. I don't know if you even want me as close as I am right now."
"I do." I reach out and graze the back of my hand along her jawline. "I want those things too, but only if you are okay with that. I know he ruined everything for us, so I need you to feel comfortable, too."
"I've never not felt comfortable around you, Arizona." Her eyes soften as her tears subside. "Can I hug you?" She asks. "But really hug you?"
"Yeah…" My smile widens a little but that dull ache is still more than present in my jaw, my mind settling now that I've spoken to my wife. "Can I sleep in our bed with you tonight?"
"I wouldn't allow you to sleep anywhere else." Her arms wrapping around me, my own tangle around her body and I release a deep breath I didn't know I was holding. A relief. I know everything is far from okay, but I do feel a little relief. I do feel like I can be honest with Eliza if I have to be. She isn't going to run and she isn't going to hate me. I just have to remember that. "That feels so good." She nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck. "I love you, Arizona. Everything about you…"
"I'm sorry about everything that is going to come…" I know it isn't going to be easy, so I'm apologizing now. I'm apologizing for the outbursts I'm likely to have. The depression. The mood swings. "I promise to try, okay?"
"I don't doubt you." She pulls back and studies my face. "I never have…" Inching closer to her, I feel like I need to kiss her. I don't know why and I don't know if its the right thing to do, but in this moment, I want to kiss her. A thank you, maybe? A thank you for not running and not pushing me away. "A-Arizona…" Her eyes switch between my own and my lips.
"C-Can I kiss you?" I ask, painfully close to her.
"Only if you want to." She gives me a sad smile.
"But what do you want?" I furrow my brow.
"I want you to kiss me every minute of the day…just like I've always wanted." Her thumb tracing the outline of my split lip, her eyes are drawing me in. Something about my wife has always made me feel wanted. Needed. No matter what I've been through, I still feel that way. Whether I believe I deserve her or not…Eliza will always be my oxygen. My life. My one and only. Her lips pressing gently and softly against my own, the smallest smile curls on my mouth and every ache and pain in my body disappear. It may only be momentarily, but this moment has just confirmed everything I need to know. I need my wife.
I need her now more than ever before…
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
