***TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF RAPE/VIOLENCE***

Can't Let Go: PT 2


Chapter Seven


ELIZA'S POV


Last night was everything I needed with my wife. We shared dinner. We talked. We just sat with one another and enjoyed each other's company. I wasn't worried about that, but I know Arizona was. I know how hurt she is and how much pain she is in. Honestly though, I'm so proud of her for trying last night. None of this can be easy for her. Knowing what I now know...no, it can't be easy. I'm not sure life will be easy ever again after this past week. After she talked with me last night, it took everything I had within me not to show my anger. She doesn't need an angry wife at home with her right now. She just needs my support. Deep down though, I want to kill someone. Deep down, I have a hatred I didn't think was even possible.

What he did to her. How he demanded and took whatever he wanted. He makes me sick and if he wasn't already dead, I'd hunt him down myself and watch him take his last breath. Honestly, knowing he's dead…I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, he cannot hurt anyone else but on the other hand, I want to see him. I want to punch him. I want to choke him until he stops breathing. I want to watch his life slip away with my own eyes. That isn't me at all but what he did…he is an exception. He is an exception to everything I believe and the more I think about him, the more I want to leave this house so I can disappear and scream.

This feeling I have isn't good for me. Me or our baby. I have to calm my mind and try to focus on anything other than that animal. Because that's what he is. Or was. A fucking animal. How dare he or anyone for that matter put their hands on my wife? My wife who is one hell of a human being. Loving. Supportive. Kind and gentle. My wife who would give up everything she had to help someone in need. I just…I don't understand how anyone could take any pleasure from that. From rape. I know we don't all think the same way, but it takes one absolute scumbag to do what he did. It takes someone who has no respect for themselves or other people. I don't care what his background is. I don't care if he had it hard growing up or was going through a bad time…I'd still rip his heart from his chest and stand on it.

My wife deserves so much more than this but I don't know how to fix it. I feel responsible. I feel completely to blame. I don't want her to know that, though. Why? Because I'm a coward. If she knows that I'm to blame, she will kick me out of her life and that is when I'll truly fall apart. Why the hell did I pull that deal? Why the hell didn't I just give them what they wanted? It wouldn't have affected me or the business. It wouldn't have made any difference to us at all. I'm so fucking stupid. My cell buzzing on the counter, I glance down at it and find my best friend calling me. "Hello?"

"Hey…" Jo breathes out. "Just checking in."

"Thanks, Jo." I smile. "Things are…okay, I guess."

"You sound like you've been crying…"

"That's the only thing I'm good at lately." I sigh. "I'm trying, Jo…I really am."

"I know you are." She tries to reassure me. "How are things?"

"Honestly, I don't know." I drop down onto the couch, my feet swollen and aching. "Last night was a better night but things are far from okay, Jo. Things are so messed up…"

"They'll get better."

"I hope so." I nod, my head resting back and my eyes closing. "Can I ask you something?"

"You know you can."

"What would you have done?" I ask. "If you had been dealing with the Russians, what would you have done with that deal?"

"The same as you…" She says, her voice certain. "Why?"

"Just…curious."

"Wait, you're not thinking that this is your fault?" She scoffs. "Eliza?"

"Maybe, yeah."

"That's bullshit! We both know that."

"Maybe but look what it caused? Look what happened to my wife…"

"That isn't your fault…" She sighs. "Have you spoken to Arizona about it?" Jo asks.

"No." I shake my head. "Arizona doesn't need to hear it. She really doesn't…"

"Doesn't need to hear what?" Arizona's voice startles me from my conversation. "Huh?"

"Jo, I have to go…" I sit forward. "I'll call you in a few days, okay?"

"No problem. Bye, Lize." Ending the call, I glance up at my wife and she gives me a look of confusion.

"Hey, uh…" I clear my throat. "How was your nap?"

"Fine…didn't nap." She continues to stare at me. "So, what exactly don't I need to hear?"

"Oh, nothing." I wave off her question. "Nothing that matters anyway."

"Eliza…" She gives me a knowing look, the bruising around her eyes beginning to yellow.

"I was just thinking about the deal." I sigh. "You know if I should've just gone with it and went through with the sale…"

"Would you have done that for any other client?" She asks as she slowly sits down beside me. "Would you have questioned them or would you have gone through with it?"

"I'd have questioned them," I say. "It's company policy."

"Exactly." She settles her hand over my own. "So, why are you second-guessing yourself?"

"Just…because." I give my wife a sad smile. "I don't know…"

"I want the truth, Eliza." She furrows her brow. "You promised me we would be honest with each other…"

"This is all my fault." My voice breaks. "If I'd just gone through with it…if I'd just stopped being so fucking particular about the business, none of this would have happened."

"And then they would have the perfect place to run their nasty business from." She scoffs. "You heard Sanchez. Prostitution. Human trafficking."

"But that isn't my business." I shake my head, my gaze dropping. "You are my business and I let you down, Arizona. I ruined your life."

"No, you didn't." She stands and disagrees, her head shaking. "They did this to me…not you."

"As good as." I breathe out. "I don't know how you don't feel the same."

"Because it's bullshit and you know it." She disappears into the kitchen. "I'm not fighting with you about this, Eliza." She shakes her head. "You know that you did the right thing in pulling that deal. Whatever came after it…it's on those bastards, not you."

"You said it yourself, though." I stand and approach the kitchen island. "They wanted me and you wouldn't give me up."

"And that was my own choice." She gives me a hard stare. "I need for this to not come between us, please…"

"I'm sorry." I drop my head on my shoulders. "It's just how I feel, Arizona."

"Can you help me do something?" My wife asks. I know she is deflecting, but I guess that's okay. I know how I feel inside and so long as I don't allow it to eat away at me, we will be okay.

"Of course, yeah…" I furrow my brow. "What is it?"

"I'd really like to take a bath." She clears her throat. "I just…I can't do it alone."

"I'll go and prepare it." I head straight for the staircase.

"T-Thank you." She gives me a small smile. "I promise I won't bother you for the rest of the day."

"You're not bothering me." I give her a final smile before taking the stairs slowly. I'm feeling huge today but I'm feeling okay within myself. My tiredness doesn't feel so bad since we both slept better last night and I'm praying the same will happen tonight.


"Arizona?" I call out from the top of the staircase. "You ready?"

"Yeah." She groans as she climbs to her feet. I can just about see her moving around downstairs but she doesn't look like she needs any help. "Sorry, things seem a little slow today."

"Don't worry about it." I give her a sad smile as she takes the stairs slowly. "I'm not overly active today, either."

"The kids okay?"

"Yeah." My smile widens. "Soraya wants to see you and Xavi has a soccer game tonight."

"You should go and be with them." She winces as she reaches the top of the stairs. "Especially Xavi's game."

"Your mom is with him." We both head towards the bathroom. "I'll call him tonight…or you could?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." She gives me a small smile.

"So, your bath is ready." I stop in front of the open door. "Put some of your favorite things in…"

"Thanks." My wife leans in and presses a kiss below my ear. After sharing a much-needed kiss with her last night, it's been on my mind all day. It just felt normal. Like it was supposed to. It felt like for a moment, my wife was in the room with me and nothing was wrong in our lives.

"Just call out if you need anything, okay?"

"Oh, uh…okay." Something changes in her eyes and I study her face.

"What is it?"

"Nothing…never mind." She gives me a smile but I know it's fake. "I won't be long." Stepping into the bathroom, the door closes and I furrow my brow. Okay?

"Arizona?" I knock lightly on the door. "Is everything okay?"

"Sure, yeah." Her voice breaks, her cries muffled. "Thanks for your help…"

"Hey, did you need something else?" I ask. "I've left you a towel out and some fresh clothes."

"No, got everything." I don't hear any movement coming from inside and honestly, I don't know what's going on. Does she not want to take that bath now? It's no problem if she doesn't. It's just some water.

"Can I come in?"

"Y-You don't have to do that." She stutters. "I'll be okay."

"But I'd like to…if that would be okay with you?"

"Okay…" Her voice quiet, I open the door to find her still fully clothed and frozen in her spot in the middle of the room. "Sorry."

"For what?" I ask, closing the door behind me.

"Being like this." She laughs sarcastically. " I just…I think I need help."

"O-Oh." I give her a sad smile. "I'm sorry…I didn't think you wanted me to be in here with you."

"If you wouldn't mind?" She glances up at me and I can see the worry in her sad blue eyes. "I-I'm sure you don't want to see me naked, and I understand…so it's okay if you don't want to help."

"I want to help." My thumb brushes her cheek. "Come on, it will need refilling if we don't get you out of these clothes soon." Trying to be as nonchalant about this as possible, inside I'm terrified. I haven't seen her wounds. Her bruises. She always locks herself in the bathroom to dress and showers are something we don't share anymore. Lifting her tee from her body, I focus on her face and she doesn't lose my eyes. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah." She breathes out as she slips her sweats from her legs. Stepping out of them, I know she is completely naked right now but I don't want to look at her for fear of her freaking out. It would be completely understandable if she did panic, but I don't need to be the cause of that panic. It would break my heart.

"You ready to climb in?" I ask as she steadies herself via my shoulders. "I wasn't sure how hot you wanted it but you can add a little more if you need to…"

"Thanks…" She squeezes my shoulder as she lifts her left leg and steps into the tub. A look of pain on her face, I close my eyes and try to remain calm. Keep my emotions in check. "S-Shit…" She whispers as she lowers herself into the tub, my arm linked under her own for support. "A-Ah…" Her eyes closing as she settles in the water, a tear slips down my face but I brush it away immediately.

"Is it okay?" I ask, my eyes burning through the bruising to her back.

"It hurts…" Her voice breaks.

"What does?" I somehow manage to climb down to my knees and settle beside her. "Hey?"

"The water." She trembles as she tries to breathe through the pain she is clearly experiencing.

"Is it too hot?" I ask, taking a sponge from the side of the tub and squeezing some vanilla body wash on it.

"N-No…" She drops her gaze and shakes her head. "Just…what he did." She whispers. "It hurts."

"O-Oh." My own voice trembles when I realize that my wife is talking about the rape. Her body…her most intimate parts…hurt. I can't take this. I want to be able to, but this is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced in my life. Seeing her like this. Knowing that she is in pain just sitting in the tub…fuck. "Arizona?" I clear my voice of any emotion as I sponge her back, the bruises just there to see. The handprints. The scratches. Deep purple patches that I'm not sure I can ever unsee.

"Yeah?" She asks, her body not shaking as much as it was a moment ago. "Does it always hurt?"

"Yeah…mostly."

"When is it worse?" I ask. "Does anything make it feel a little better?"

"Lying down makes it less painful." She admits. "When I sit…it hurts."

"D-Did he…" Shaking my head, I'm not sure how to even have this conversation with her. I'm not sure I should even encourage this right now. "You know…"

"Did he what?" She glances over her shoulder and finds my eyes.

"Just…with you saying it hurts when you sit, you know?"

"Oh, no." She shakes her head. "No, it wasn't like that." Oh, thank god. I'm also thankful that my wife knows what I'm asking without actually having to say it. I'm not sure I could ever bring myself to say the words I need answers to.

"A-And, um…did they do tests?" I clear my throat, her body relaxing as the hot water glides over her sore skin.

"Y-Yeah." She nods. "Negative."

"All of them?" I ask.

"Yeah, all of them." Bringing her knees up to her chest, she rests her chin on them and sighs. "Eliza, you should be relaxing…"

"I'm okay."

"You shouldn't be sitting on a cold floor here with me…"

"Yes, I should." I press a kiss to her shoulder as I sit up on my knees a little. "I should always be here with you."

"That felt good…" She reaches her hand around to her shoulder and grazes the spot where my lips have just been. "Y-You always feel good."

"Good…" I brush her hair from her face. "You know, I'm so proud of you."

"W-Why?" She furrows her brow.

"Because you are incredible and you're my wife so I wanna be proud of you."

"I don't feel any pride." She focuses on the tub.

"But you will…" I press a kiss to the side of her head. "In time…you will."

"You think?" She asks, unshed tears in her eyes.

"I know," I say with certainty. "I know because you are the strongest person in this world and you are beautiful."

"Not anymore." She gives me a sad smile. "But thanks."

"I'd say more so now than ever before…" My arm wrapping around her shoulder, it's a little hard for me to comfort her right now with the position she is in and the huge baby bump between us. "I don't expect anything to be good for you any time soon, but we don't rush this, okay? Whatever you need…you've got it."

"I love you…" Her voice breaks. "And I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for you."

"Where would you be?"

"Dead." She says, her voice void of any emotion. "I'd be dead."

"Don't say that." I breathe out against her hair, my eyes closing. "You survived and you will work through this. I know you will."

"Only with you by my side…"

"Good thing I'm always going to be here, huh?"

"Yeah." She closes her eyes. "Good thing…"


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.