Can't Let Go: PT 2


Chapter Eight


ARIZONA'S POV


I don't feel so good today. I know I've only been home from the hospital for three days, but I felt like I was making progress last night when Eliza helped me take a bath. I felt like I could maybe see this ending sooner than I thought. I know it doesn't work that way and I know some days will be harder than others, but last night felt good. The night before too. Today, though? Today I feel like I'm going to blow at any moment. Today, I feel like I want to lock myself away in a dark room and not speak to anyone. I just want to feel okay. My wife's due date is approaching and yes, we still have a good six weeks to go, but that doesn't mean it won't come sooner. That doesn't mean she isn't going to need me when our baby decides she wants out of her current home. My biggest worry right now is that I can't be the loving and supportive wife Eliza will need in that moment. When her waters break, I feel like I won't know what to do. Of course I know what to do…it will be the fourth time. Today, it doesn't feel that way, though. Today…today is a bad day. I can feel it building and I don't like it. I don't like any of this.

Curling into the fetal position on the couch, Eliza is upstairs taking a shower. I spent the night in our bed with her last night but I don't want her to get her hopes up. I don't want her to think that things are getting better because honestly, they don't feel like they are right now. If I could go back to last night when I felt a little normal, I would take that evening over any of this. Even if it is just pretending. Even if we are lying to ourselves. It beats feeling this way, it really does.

I called my mom a little while ago hoping to speak to my dad but he's on a fishing trip with Tim. I don't know why because the two of them do nothing but fight, but maybe all of this has brought them closer, I don't know. I know they love each other and I know we would all do anything to make the other happy but they clash. They disagree on everything and no matter who is right, neither of them will own up to their crap. Neither of them will be the bigger person and let it go. I thought about calling my dads cell but mom doesn't think he will have any reception out on the water. I just wanted to hear his voice. The protectiveness in it. I guess I just thought that maybe it would calm me. Set me up for the day. I know that probably wouldn't work, but at the time...it's what I believed I needed.

My cell buzzing on the coffee table, I sigh and lean forward, refusing to leave the position I've finally got comfortable in. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Robbins." Detective Sanchez filters through my cell. "How would you feel about us coming by and updating you on some new developments?"

"Whatever," I say, my voice void of any interest. "If you need to…"

"Well, we want you to be up to date with where we're at." She replies.

"Fine." I breathe out, my thumb hitting the end call button. Dropping my cell to the floor, there is nothing but silence around me but it feels good. When there is silence, I can think. Even if I know I shouldn't be. It just gives me time to think about what's happened. What's going to happen? How I'm supposed to work through this. I know nothing will ever be the same for me again, so I have to figure out how best to fix what I can. I have to figure out how to move on and be the best version of myself I possibly can. I'm not sure I'll ever be me again.

"Did you just get a call?" My wife startles me as she takes the staircase.

"Yeah."

"Anything important?" She asks, her body approaching me.

"Nope." Turning onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling and remain silent.

"I thought maybe we could catch a movie tonight?" Narrowing my eyes, I'm beginning to wonder how easy it would be to find a hit man. One that would be willing to take on the Russian Mafia. Yeah, I'm not that lucky. Who the hell would want to take that on? "Arizona?" My wife's hand settling over my own, I flinch and she pulls away. "Sorry…"

Sitting up, I pull my legs up and take a seat on the edge of the couch. "I'm taking a nap," I say barely above a whisper. "Sanchez is on her way over." Standing, I round the coffee table and head for the staircase. "I'm sure she can tell you whatever it is she has to say."

"Are you okay?" Eliza asks as I take the first step.

"Do I look okay?" I scoff.

"N-No, I'm sorry." She drops her gaze.

"Don't ask stupid questions…" Disappearing up the stairs, I knew that was coming. I knew I was going to say something I shouldn't and now...I've hurt my wife. Damn it! Turning back when I reach the top of the stairs, I find Eliza watching me, heartbreak and sadness in her gorgeous green eyes. "I'm sorry…" I shake my head. "Maybe you should head out for the day…"

"No, I should be here…"

"Why? So you can look after me? The victim…"

"No, I just want to be here with you…" She sighs. "But I can leave if that's what you want?"

"Do whatever you want." I shrug. "I'm headed to bed for the rest of the day."

"Arizona, it's only midday…"

"So?" I furrow my brow. "What else have l got around here to keep me busy?"

"Nothing, I guess." Her shoulder slump and she backs away from the bottom of the stairs. "Nothing at all…" Her hand settling on her bump, I pinch the bridge of my nose and release a deep breath. "Eliza, wait."

"I have things to do." She gives me a sad smile. "See you whenever you decide to join us…"

"Way to go, asshole." My frustration beginning to get the better of me, I shake my head in disappointment and head for our bedroom. I don't know what the hell my problem is today but I need to snap out of it. I need to change my attitude and not take it out on the one person who has been here for me. The one woman who I could never do this without.

I need to change myself…


"Arizona?" A light knocking on our bedroom door pulling me from my thoughts, I close my eyes and take a breath. "You awake?"

"What?"

"Just, Uh...Sanchez would really like to speak to you." My wife's uncertainty as she speaks to me breaking my heart, I slowly climb from the bed I shared with her last night and approach the door. "Did you think mayb-"

"Fine, I'm coming." Pulling the door open a little hard, it bounces off of the wall it hits and Eliza flinches a little, stepping back.

"Right, Yeah." She gives me an awkward smile.

"It's a waste of fucking time but she clearly doesn't have anything better to do…"

"Just hear her out, okay?" She gives me a pleading look.

"What do you think I'm doing?" I roll my eyes as I brush past her and head for the staircase. Taking them a little quicker than I probably should, I come face to face with Sanchez and someone else I've not seen before. "Who are you?" I spit.

"Mrs. Robbins." The male stands. "Detective Jackson." He holds out his hand and I back away.

"Get out!"

"Ma'am…" He clears his throat.

"I said get out of my fucking home!" Moving towards the door, I pull it open and the detective closes his notepad.

"I'll wait in the car." He glances back at Detective Sanchez. "Mrs. Robbins." He nods as he leaves. Glancing back at my wife, she is watching me, her brow furrowed.

"Why the hell did you let him in here?" I ask incredulously. "And why the hell did you bring him?"

"He's my partner, Arizona. He's working your case."

"So, he likes visiting women who've been fucking raped, yeah?" I scoff. "Fucking pig!"

"Maybe I should come back another time." She stands. "Give you ladies some space."

"Maybe you should close the case and I'll fix this myself." I counter. "I mean, you haven't done anything so far. Other than protecting my home...You've been freaking useless."

"Patrick Danson." Sanchez stands. "Your attacker...his name was Patrick Danson."

"How do you know that?"

"Perfect match with the DNA we collected from you."

"You collected from me?" I laugh. "You mean the rape kit I had done?"

"Yes, ma'am." She gives me a nod in agreement. "From the rape kit."

"So, he's known to you?" I raise an eyebrow. "The guy who fucked my life up has done it before?"

"Yes."

"And because you didn't do your job properly last time, this happened to me…" I drop down on the couch. "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"Danson did time twenty years ago." She states. "He's been out for almost seven and until now, he kept his nose clean."

"Well aren't I the fucking lucky one, huh?" I give her a sarcastic smile.

"From what we can gather, he's been working with the Russians for a couple of years. Usual stuff…informant. Look out. The guy who runs around for them."

"Great." I roll my eyes. "He's dead now so why does he matter?"

"Well, I guess he doesn't." Sanchez nods. "But we really do need to know where his body is."

"I don't know where it is." I sigh. "I can't remember where I escaped from."

"I understand." She gives me a sympathetic smile.

"No, I don't think you do." I stand and begin pacing the floor. "I don't think you understand at all. He has fucking ruined me. Everything. He's ruined my fucking life so don't dare sit there and tell me you understand because you really don't. You don't understand anything. You leave here and go home to your perfect life while I have to try and pick up the pieces of what's left of mine."

"Arizona," Eliza speaks for the first time since I rudely walked away from her. "Don't work yourself up…"

"Why?" I furrow my brow. "What else am I supposed to do? Pretend that everything is fine? Pretend that nothing happened? This is fucking bullshit! All of it!"

"You should try to relax." She gives me one of her adorable smiles but it's lost on me right now. "Please, for me?"

"Eliza, they're here talking absolute shit." I laugh. "And you just want me to relax? You really think it's that fucking simple?"

"No, I don't think any of this is simple…or easy."

"Could've fooled me." I snort. "I'm done with her bullshit." I point at the detective. "And I want her out of here…"

"You heard her." Eliza sighs as she turns her attention to the detective. "I think it's best if you leave…"

"You'll call us?" Sanchez asks. "If you remember anything?"

"Sure…whatever." I laugh as I head for the stairs. "It's my number one priority." Taking the stairs slowly, I hear Eliza talking low but I'm not interested in what either of them has to say right now. How am I supposed to relax when they aren't any closer to finding out who done this? How am I supposed to relax when my kids are away from me and I cannot see them? This is all kinds of fucked up, but I'm supposed to relax.

Fucking bullshit…


I've been locked inside our bedroom for the last three hours and I know Eliza is mad at me. I don't blame her, but I could really use some company right now. I'd go down and sit with her but I'm not sure I can trust myself. I'm not sure I can promise myself that I won't blow up again. I'd say she gets it and she understands, but she shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have acted how I did with her earlier. I shouldn't have spoken to her how I did. On more than one occasion. Sitting up on the edge of the bed, I place my head in my hands and sigh. I don't know how to work through this anger today. This is the worst its been so far and I don't know how I'm supposed to just relax like my wife suggested. I know she means well but today…there is no talking to me. I know it.

The sound of a light knocking on our bedroom door pulling me from my pity party, I glance up at the door and clear my throat. "Yeah?"

"I-I brought you some coffee…" Eliza's voice low and unsure, I stand and approach the door separating us. Unlocking it and opening it, she has unshed tears in her eyes. "You don't have to take it but I made it anyway."

"Thanks." I take it from her hand.

"You're welcome." Turning and about to walk away, I gently grip her hand and my wife turns back to face me. "Arizona, you don't have to do this."

"I do." I drop my gaze, setting my cup down on the dresser. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She shrugs a little. "I'll just leave you alone. I'm doing more harm than good."

"That's not true." I squeeze her hand. "You've been great."

"But not good enough." She sighs, her voice breaking. "I'm just trying to be there for you but whatever I do or say…I make things worse for you."

"You haven't made anything worse."

"I shouldn't have allowed Detective Jackson in here…I didn't think, I'm sorry."

"You didn't know I would react like that." I give her a sad smile as her eyes find mine. "Even I didn't know I would react like that."

"But I should've anticipated your reaction." She replies. "I should've known. I just…I want to protect you from everything and everyone but it never works out that way."

"You've done more than protect me." I dip my head when she drops her gaze again. "You've loved me and that is more than I expected from you."

"You're my wife, Arizona." She furrows her brow. "What else did you expect?"

"Disgust," I admit. "Disappointment. No contact. Just…that you would hate me."

"Never." She whispers, shaking her head. "I'd never think any of those things…"

"I know that." I nod slowly. "Just…today isn't a good day for me."

"You wanna talk about it?" Eliza asks.

"No, you've done enough for me…I'll manage."

"I don't want you to manage." She laces our fingers together. "I want you to tell me how you're feeling…"

"I don't deserve that from you after how I behaved earlier."

"I expected it." She admits. "I knew things would change eventually and that time has come."

"Change?"

"Your mood. The difference in it each day…"

"H-How?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "I guess I just knew."

"I'm sorry for how I spoke to you earlier."

"It's okay." She gives me a small smile. "Please, come out from our bedroom?"

"If you don't mind having me around…"

"It's all I want." My wife's voice breaks again. "You should eat, too."

"I'm not feeling hungry right now." I take my coffee from the dresser and head out of our bedroom.

"At least a bottle of water?" She suggests. "You need to look after your body, Arizona."

"My body is ruined," I say, barely above a whisper.

"Your body is beautiful." My wife turns back to face me. "Just like the rest of you…" Remaining silent as we head down the stairs together, an aroma hits me square in the nose and my stomach suddenly growls.

"W-What's cooking?"

"Just a little Italian." She shrugs. "It will keep, though."

"N-No…" I follow my wife into the kitchen. "I think I'm ready to eat."

"But you just said you weren't hungry…" She furrows her brow.

"And my stomach had other ideas once it got a hint of what it could have." I give Eliza a small smile. "Smells delicious."

"I hoped you would be feeling like it…it's why I made it." She rounds the counter, our interaction still a little strained from earlier today. That is totally my fault and I hold my hands up to it. "If you wanna grab a seat, I'll get some plated up for you."

"I can do it."

"I've got it." She glances up at me, tears in her eyes. "Take a seat."

"Eliza, I am sorry." I brush a tear from my jawline. "What I said earlier…I didn't mean it."

"What did you say?"

"That there was nothing here for me…" Maybe I didn't say exactly that, but I know that was the impression I gave with my words. "You mean the world to me and I never meant it."

"It's okay." She winces. "Don't worry yourself about it."

"W-What's wrong?" She steadies herself against the kitchen counter and my heart sinks into my chest. "Eliza?"

"N-Nothing." She breathes deeply through her nose. "Just…I've been getting a few pains."

"P-Pains?"

"Just the baby moving." She tries to reassure me. "I'm okay."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" I ask, worry evident in my voice.

"No, I think she is just getting herself ready to move out…" She gives me a smile. "I had them with the twins, I'm okay."

"Promise?" My lip trembles. "If my being here is too stressful, I can leave."

"This isn't because of you." She reaches out and settles her hand over my own. "Our baby is almost ready to come and give her mommy the best cuddles in the world, is all."

"Y-You mean me?"

"Of course, I mean you…" Eliza gives me a look of confusion.

"D-Do you still want me with you for the birth?" I ask.

"You better be there." She gives me a knowing look. "I need you just as much as I did with the others, Arizona. We both need you."

"O-Okay…" I nod. "What if I'm no good to you? I mean, I don't know what you need from me…"

"I just need you by my side." She lifts my hand and presses a kiss to my skin. "Nothing more…"

"I'll try, okay?" I study her face. "I'll try to be better by then."

"You're doing good, Arizona…" She straightens herself out. "Now, food?"

"Yeah…"


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.