***TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE***
Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Ten
ARIZONA'S POV
Three days later…
Okay, I get it. I get that my wife is mad at me and we've barely held a conversation since Alexis was here…but I'm not doing this to piss her off. I'm not doing it to get a reaction from her. I'm doing it because it's worth a try. It could come to nothing and not work out for me but if it does? If taking up a little boxing is beneficial to me…I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing whatever I can right now because this anger is becoming all-consuming. It's becoming too much for me to handle. Eliza is the one I'm aiming it at and it doesn't feel good to me. She's heavily pregnant and a few days ago, I told her to take her head out of her ass. Who says that? Who speaks to their wife like that? Honestly, I don't even know why she's still here. I don't know why she hasn't packed up and left. I've taken the guest room the past two nights and it's only putting more space between us. Space I don't want between us, but it's there nonetheless. I mean, I know I need space at times, but Eliza thinks it's about her. She thinks I hate her and she voiced that last night before she slammed the bedroom door shut on me. I'm worried about her. About us. I'm worried, but I don't know how to change any of this. I don't know how to push that anger to the back of my mind and just love my wife. It's killing me inside but every time I open my mouth, something nasty comes out. Even simple things like my wife offering me coffee or something to eat. Some smart ass comment rolls off my tongue and just like every other time, I watch her shoulders slump as she walks away. She's suggested therapy again, but I don't want it. Not yet. I haven't even come to terms with what happened to me yet so I don't want to lie on a couch and have someone ask me 'how it makes me feel' at the end of every comment I make. Honestly, I'd end up punching them out. I swear I would.
Hearing the sound of Alexis' car roaring up our drive, I approach the door and release a deep breath. It's been so long since I shared any kind of space with this woman, but she's offering to help me and I think I need to take her up on that offer. Regardless of how my wife feels, Alexis was right. This isn't about her and Eliza. It's about me. If she believes her technique could work, then I should give it a go, right? Sure, this could all end up turning to shit and making things worse but right now, I feel like I have nothing to lose. I'm on the edge of god knows what so no, I don't have anything to lose. Pulling the door open, I put on my best fake smile and clear my throat. "Hi."
"Hey, Arizona." Alexis heads towards me and gives me a sad smile. "I'm glad you called."
"Me too…I think." Stepping aside and allowing her access to our home, she doesn't have any of her kit with her because today is just talking. I don't know why she wants to talk but she does and it's kinda nice having someone here who isn't directly involved in my life. I know she's changed. I can see it in her eyes. I know she's changed and I feel good about her being here. I feel hopeful. "Can I get you something to drink?"
"Just some water would be good." She smiles as I close the door. "So, Eliza came round eventually?"
"Oh, no." I shake my head. "Quite the opposite actually."
"I'm sorry." She sighs. "I'm not here to cause any trouble, Arizona."
"I hope not." I give my ex a knowing look. "I honestly don't have it in me to fight anymore."
"So long as you are willing to fight this…that is fine by me." She pulls herself up on a stool in the kitchen. "I know it's hard…"
"Sure." I roll my eyes. "I wish people would stop telling me that they know how I feel."
"I do." She gives me a sad smile. "I know exactly what you're going through."
"Wait, what?" I furrow my brow. "Y-You mean…you?"
"Six years ago." She rests her palms flat on the kitchen counter. "A guy from the office."
"I'm sorry." I drop my gaze. "I had no idea."
"Why would you?" She shrugs. "Not many people know."
"I wish people didn't know about me…" I sigh. "It would be easier to live that way."
"Yeah, I can't imagine how hard it must be to go outside and have people staring."
"I-I haven't been outside yet." I glance up at her. "Eliza suggested it a few days ago but I said some not nice things to her and she left without me."
"You can't let this come between you both, Arizona." Alexis gives me a knowing look. "You have to realize that Eliza is here for you."
"I know she is." I nod slowly. "This is all just me," I admit. "The anger…god, it's killing me. I just don't know how to stop it."
"Sometimes you can't." She smiles. "Sometimes you just have to accept it and try to move forward."
"How, though?" I take a seat beside her. "How am I supposed to just move on from this?"
"Because it will eat away at you inside if you don't." Her hand settling over my own, I give her a small smile. "I mean, look what you have here? You have a wife and a really beautiful family, Arizona."
"Yeah, I do." My smile widens at the thought of my kids. "I miss them so much."
"You don't want them here?"
"Have you seen the mess I'm in?" I raise an eyebrow. "I mean, the black eyes are disappearing pretty quickly but I need to look how I used to before they see me, Alexis."
"I get that." She agrees. "And I'm sure you will know when you're ready…"
"I haven't been completely honest with Eliza…" I breathe out. "I mean, she knows everything but I haven't told her quite how bad it was…"
"You wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know." I drop my gaze. "If she knew…if she knew I was talking this out with you and not her, she would freak out. I just…I'm tired of hurting her."
"So, she doesn't need to know." Alexis squeezes my hand. "Until you're ready to be completely honest with her, she doesn't need to know."
"You think?"
"This is about you, Arizona. Not Eliza or your mom or anyone else in your life. This is about you and what you've been through. You may think that they are mad at you for lashing out but they're not. They care and they wouldn't be here if they didn't love you and want you to heal."
"Where the hell did the old you go?"
"Oh, she's long gone." Alexis smiles. "I know I messed up in the past and I know that Eliza can never forgive me but I'm not that person anymore. I'm not here to fight with anyone or cause a rift between you guys. I've actually wanted to have some kind of relationship with Eliza over the last couple of years but…" She pauses. "...I'm a coward." She sighs. "I'm a coward and I can't take the rejection. Not right now, anyway."
"I'm sorry you went through this too."
"Me too." She nods. "But you've got this…just like I have."
"How did you manage to come out of the other side?" I ask. "I mean, does it ever get better?"
"It does," Alexis replies. "It gets better but some days I remember things. Things I don't want to remember."
"Like what?"
"The pain." She breathes out. "I remember the pain like it is happening all over again."
"Y-Yeah." I drop my gaze. "It's what I'm struggling with the most right now."
"It hurts no matter what you do, right?"
"Right." My eyes focus on the counter.
"Cool baths." She states. "I know we all want to just relax in a steaming hot bath but for now…cool baths. Or shower. Don't try to push through the pain because you think you have to, Arizona. If it hurts…avoid it."
"I guess I'm just trying to be myself." I shrug. I don't know why I'm finding it so easy to talk to Alexis right now but I am. If this is how things are going to work…if this is how I get back to me and my marriage, then I'm taking it. Eliza will hate me, but I don't know what else to do. She already hates me so I guess things can't be any worse right now.
"And does it work?" Alexis raises her eyebrow. "The whole being yourself thing…does it work?"
"No."
"Exactly." She smiles. "Don't put yourself in situations that will bring it back to you. I'm not saying don't ever think about what happened again, but at least minimize the hurt for yourself. Minimize how it makes you feel…"
"Thanks."
"If I find myself thinking too hard, I take a walk." I appreciate Alexis being here more than I thought I would right now. "I know you don't want to and I know it's the last thing on your mind, but it helps."
"I do want to," I admit. "Just a little hard when the Russian Mafia wants you dead."
"The what?" Her eyes widen. "They did this to you?"
"Yeah."
"Fucking hell, Arizona." She breathes out. "That's why you have people on your gate. Why a patrol car is outside."
"It is." I nod. "Eliza has someone with her at all times. They're at my mom's place too with the kids."
"Shit."
"I thought about paying someone." I study her face, trying to gauge her reaction. "Someone who could take care of this for me."
"Tell me." She faces me head on. "Tell me how much they hurt you…"
"I can't even describe it." I close my eyes. "Just…it didn't just happen once, Alexis. It was multiple times. I-It was four times that I can remember…"
"So these fuckers have to pay."
"I want that more than anything." I breathe out. "I want to watch them die slowly while I smile and laugh and think about how my life can be put back together."
"So, we do this." She nods. "I know a guy…"
"You know a guy?" I narrow my eyes. "What does that even mean?"
"It means I know a guy who will take all of this from you and make it better."
"H-How?"
"He works alone." She lowers her voice. "I don't know his actual name and you don't need to know it either. Just…he will fix this for you."
"Can you promise me that?" I ask. "Can you promise that my family won't get hurt in this?"
"I can't promise you anything where the Russian Mafia are concerned, but I can promise you that I will help. If you'll let me?"
"I don't know." I drop my gaze. "I don't want anyone else getting hurt because of me."
"Because of you?" Alexis furrows her brow. "You do realize that none of this is your fault, right?"
"At first I did…" I clear my throat. "But now? How I just lay there and took it? No, this is all totally my fault. I should've been stronger. I should've fought him." My voice breaks. "How can Eliza ever look at me that way again?"
"You did what you had to do to stay alive, Arizona." She stands and pulls me into a hug. "You don't ever think that this is your fault."
"I'm falling apart, Alexis." Tears rolling down my face, she remains silent and allows me the moment or two I need to get past this. "I'm falling apart and I'm going to lose everything."
"That's not going to happen." She tries to reassure me. "You know it won't."
"I feel like it is." I pull back and wipe the tears from my jawline. "I feel like I'm going to come out of this with nothing and no one."
"Does Eliza know how you feel?"
"Eliza and I aren't on speaking terms right now…" I shake my head, disappointment evident in my voice.
"You have to speak to her, Arizona." She places her hands on my shoulders. "I know it hurts and I know you don't want her to know how weak you feel, but that's why she is here. She is your wife and I know exactly how much she loves you…"
"I'm scared this is all going to be too much for her…"
"It won't be." She gives me a knowing look. "She needs you just as much as you need her." Pulling me into her arms again, I feel like a tiny weight has been lifted. I feel like I could possibly be okay. I mean, Alexis survived…so why can't I?
"This looks cozy." My wife's voice piercing through the silence of our home, the front door slams shut and it startles me out of the hug I'm sharing with my ex. Yeah, this doesn't look good at all. "Excuse me." Eliza pushes past Alexis and throws down her keys and purse. "I'll just get out of your way…"
"Eliza, wait…" I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Eliza!"
"Eliza, I was just leaving." Alexis cuts in. "Sorry…"
"No, stay." She throws up her hands. "Stay and be whatever my wife needs. Maybe you could raise our unborn child with her." She spits.
"I'll go." She gives me a sad smile. "You still have pain in your body in general?"
"A little." I sigh. "My ribs and my back. My jaw doesn't feel so bad lately."
"Your jaw?"
"Where he repeatedly punched me when he was you know…" My eyes focus on the floor. "I mean, I'm pretty sure it happened before he touched me like that, but the blows to it didn't help."
"Fuck, Arizona." She slumps her shoulders. "I'm making the call when I get home, okay?"
"Okay, just gives me a heads up for the cost."
"No, I'm handling this." She holds up her hand. "And I'm not fighting about it either. Call it an apology."
"You don't have to do that." I disagree. "I appreciate it, but it's not necessary."
"And neither was the shit I put you both through…" She breathes out. "Besides, the less involved you are in this…the better."
"Thanks, Alexis." Giving her a small smile, she simply nods and heads for the door.
"So, call me when you feel ready enough for some work on the pads, okay? Maybe another week?"
"Sure, yeah." I run my fingers through my hair. "Thanks for coming by."
"Talk to her, Arizona." The door closing, I glance over my shoulder at the staircase and my heart sinks into my stomach. I don't know what the hell is about to happen between my wife and me, but I don't have a good feeling about it. If she walks, it's all my fault. If Eliza leaves…I have no one but myself to blame.
I know I need to be open with her at all times, but it's not as simple as that. It's not as simple as just opening my mouth and allowing the words to fall out freely. Yes, I trust her and I know she is there for me…but if this becomes too much for her, I'm not sure I can return the favor. I'm not sure I can be what she needs if this is going to affect her like I think it is. Still, it doesn't give me the right to treat her how I have. Speak to her how I have. It doesn't give me the right to push her away, even if that's the last thing I want. If this is going to end how I want it to, we have to stick together. If this is going to work out in my favor…I have to let my wife in completely. Wholeheartedly. Without worry or fear. If I'm ever going to be me again, I have to talk to Eliza and I have to do it soon.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
I'm almost finished with the next chapter. I'm hoping to get it out tonight. This fic is emotionally draining to say the least.
