***TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE***

Can't Let Go - PT 2


Chapter Eleven


ELIZA'S POV


I can't stay here with her. I can't stay here when Alexis is around. Arizona is vulnerable right now and she sees that. She sees all of this and honestly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she had something to do with Arizona's attack. I know it's not likely and I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but she's a bitch. She is nasty and deceitful and I'm not here for it. I'm not giving her a single inch. Why? Because I'm not stupid. She will help Arizona and before I know it, my wife will be falling into Alexis' arms because she fixed her when I couldn't. I know exactly how this is going to go. I know I'm losing my wife. I know none of this can be fixed. What am I supposed to do, though? How am I supposed to wait for our marriage to be good again now that Alexis is around? I cant. I simply can't do it. If I thought I was strong enough, I would, but I've never been strong. I've never been overly confident in my abilities as someone else's partner. Girlfriend. Wife. It's just not who I am and the longer I hang around and watch this crumble around me, the less likely I am to survive it.

I could see how she was looking at her. I could see how different Arizona felt in her presence. That is a huge warning sign for me. It's a warning sign that my marriage is all but over and whether the Russians did this or not, Alexis is the one who Arizona feels more comfortable with. I don't know why or how, but that's just how it is. I'm already struggling to feel any love between us. I'm already finding it hard to listen to the venom in my wife's voice when she speaks to me. My marriage is about to end…and I'm sitting alone in the guest bedroom, seven months pregnant. I can feel the weight of all of this slowly crushing me. I can feel that undeniable hatred oozing from my wife's being. Her broken and abused being. I want to be here for Arizona more than anything and anyone in this world, but she cannot even bring herself to lie next to me anymore. She cannot do that, but she is perfectly fine with Alexis holding her. That should be me. I should be the one taking away her pain. I should be the one who she is comfortable with. Am I not good enough? Am I not who she can trust with all of this? I thought I was and she has told me more than once that I'm that person for her…but am I? Is she just simply too scared to tell me how she really feels? That they've ruined everything between us and we cannot ever be who we once were? Is she scared to be lonely? I don't know, and the more I sit here and think about it, the more the tears fall. The more my chest tightens. The more I feel like I've just lost everything when I walked through the front door to my home some ten minutes ago.

The plan was to come home today and talk to Arizona. Discuss the possibility of figuring something out so she could see our kids. That doesn't even feel like an option anymore for us. Like, does she still want them even though she doesn't want me? Does she still want to be their mom? This little one inside of me…will she grow up never knowing Arizona? It's breaking my heart with every second that passes but I cannot bring myself to open that door and ask her. I cannot bring myself to take up five minutes of her time to ask if she still loves her kids. The kids who worship the ground she walks on. The kids who run straight to her when she returns home for the day. The kids who call me every day asking when mommy will be home.

Taking my cell from beside me on the bed, I bring up my best friends contact details and hit the call button. I know Jo isn't going to like this, and I know she is run off her feet at the office, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment and I've never experienced anxiety like I'm feeling it right now. "Hey, Lize. How is everything?"

"C-Can I come and stay with you?" My voice breaks. "Just until I figure out something else."

"What? Why?" She asks, shock evident in her voice. "Y-You need to be there with Arizona, no?"

"She has someone else…" I brush the tears from my jawline. "She will be better off without me here. I just cause more problems and it's no surprise that she hates me."

"That's a load of crap." My best friend scoffs. "What do you mean she has someone else?"

"I-I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would freak out." I sigh, the sound of movement evident outside the bedroom door. "Alexis was here…" I lower my voice. "A few days ago…"

"You are joking, right?" My best friend spits. "What the hell does she want?"

"To help Arizona, apparently."

"Eliza, you cannot do this." She replies. "You cannot leave home…"

"What's the point?" I cry. "She was here again today and when I came home, she was fucking hugging my wife. What does that even mean?"

"It means I'm going to hand her fucking ass to her…that's what it means."

"No, just leave it." I disagree. "If Arizona feels better around her, I'm clearly doing something wrong."

"You're not serious?"

"I am, actually." I breathe out. "Just a little while, please? I don't want to stay at a hotel in case my waters break."

"I'm coming over." I hear some scuffling in the background of our call. "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be there. I'm leaving right now."

"Jo, I'm okay."

"No, you're not." She counters. "Neither of you are…"

"Arizona will freak out if you show up here…she doesn't want anyone to see her." Except for Alexis. "Give me an hour or so and I'll meet you at your place."

"If you're sure about this?" She asks. "You have to be sure, Lize."

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, Jo. My wife doesn't want me and that is all there is to it."

"I'll be waiting for you, okay?"

"Thanks…" Ending the call, my tears slip freely down my face once again. Standing, I slowly make my way to the door of the guest bedroom and pull it open. Our home is completely silent right now and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. I'm not sure if anything my life has become is good. I know Arizona is hurting and I know she doesn't know which way is up right now…but this is too much. Her ex being here…the venom in her voice…none of this is good and I don't know how to push through it anymore. I've tried to be supportive and I've tried to be what she needs, but after today, it is more than evident that I'm not the one Arizona wants in her life right now. I want her to be better and I want her to find some kind of happiness when this is all over…but I can't give that to her. In any other aspect of her life, yes…but this? No. She doesn't want me, and that is okay. She knows what is best for her and that, right now, is not me. Her wife. The mother of her children. I don't know where we go from here and I don't know if she will ever come back to me, but I'll wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. If my being here is causing her more pain than she is already experiencing, then I should leave. I should leave and do whatever she needs of me. Just…from afar.


Taking the stairs slowly, I pull a bag behind me and it bumps down each step as I do. I can see my wife sitting silently on the couch but she hasn't once made the effort to come and speak to me. She hasn't even asked how I'm feeling today. I know she has a world of stuff going on inside her head, but I'm still pregnant. I'm still ready to give birth any day now. I don't generally go any earlier than my due date, but with everything that is going on around here, I'm prepared for that possibility. I'm prepared should my waters break right now. I don't feel like I'm ready to go, but that doesn't mean our little girl doesn't have different ideas. Heading for the door, I drop my bag down beside it and move back inside our home, towards the kitchen. Taking my purse and whatever else I think I'm going to need, I watch the back of Arizona as I pass her by before fixing my eyes on the door I'm about to step out of.

"Please don't leave me…" Her voice barely audible, I glance back to find my wife with unshed tears in her eyes.

"If you need anything, call me." I give her a sad smile. "You may not love me anymore but I'll always love you, Arizona, and I'll always be here for you."

"I do love you." She cries. "Please don't leave…"

"If anything happens…if my waters break, I'll call you okay?" I clear my throat. "If you want to be there with me, I'd like that. If not…I understand."

"Eliza, please don't." She stands. "If I have to get on my knees and beg you, I will."

"No, you won't." I shake my head. "You are too good for that."

"What do I have to do to make you stay?" She asks, her voice breaking again. "What do I have to do to show you that I love you and that I need you here."

"I don't think there is anything you can do." I take her hand in my own. "I know you're trying and I know you just want things to be good again, but you cant work through it with me."

"I-I can."

"You can't." I squeeze her hand. "If you could, you wouldn't have your ex in our home. If you could, you wouldn't be talking to her about this but giving me the cold shoulder. I'm not mad and I'm not offended, I just wish it could've been different." Pressing a kiss to the back of her hand, I release it from my grip and back away. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be what you needed, Arizona. If there was any way you could see that I'm here and always have been…we would be okay. You just…you can't and I have to accept that." My hand settling on the handle, Arizona opens her mouth to speak but no words come out. Nothing. "You don't have to explain yourself…I just need you to focus on you."

"W-When I close my eyes…" She says, her voice barely audible. "I see him. I see him and I see what he did to me. N-Not the two times I told you about, but the four times that I remember." Wiping a tear from her jawline, my heart is breaking all over again. I didn't know she had kept that from me. I thought I knew all there was to know. I knew it happened more than once, but four times? She said four times that she can remember...and she knows he drugged her twice. Oh god, I'm not sure I can listen to this. "W-When I eat, the pain in my jaw reminds me of the times he was punching me in the side of the face." Oh god. "I try to block it out, but it doesn't work. Nothing works. When I first lie down beside you, I feel okay…but then I can feel his body crushing my own. I can feel his breath on my skin. His coarse hands on my body."

"A-Arizona…" My own body shudders at her words.

"Taking a shower is okay sometimes…" She stares at the floor, her eyes void of anything. "But then I scrub my body until its raw and almost bleeding. It hurts, but I know that when I do that…he isn't on me. When I do that…I feel clean enough to be with you. To sit in the same room as you. Just…it hurts too much sometimes."

"Oh god…" Her admission almost causing my knees to give out, I place my palm flat against the nearest wall.

"I-I can't wear my usual perfume anymore because it reminds me of when he was on top of me. Grunting and sweating. His heavy breathing mixing with it." She glances up at me, embarrassment and humiliation in her once gorgeous blue eyes. "I-I didn't tell you about these things because I wanted to protect you from it. The truth of what I'm facing…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I don't know how to deal with those things, so I turn to anger." She admits. "I turn to anger and it still doesn't feel any better. I just lash out at you instead…" I hate this pain she is going through. I hate it and I'm really trying to keep my own anger at bay.

"S-She was holding you, Arizona…" I stutter. "That should be me…I need it to be me."

"And I'll be forever sorry for that." She nods slowly, her eyes never losing my own. "It isn't what you think and I want you to be the one who works through this with me. I just…I feel like it's going to be too much for you."

"Nothing about you could ever be too much for me." I bring her hand up between us and press a kiss to her skin. "For better or worse, right?"

"Yeah but this is so much worse…" She shakes her head. "Worse than anything I'd ever expect anyone to take on."

"But I love you." I give her a sad smile, my heart absolutely breaking. "I love you so much that it physically hurts to see you like this."

"Please don't leave me…" She cries. "I need you, Eliza."

"I'm not sure you do." I have to be honest with her. She has been honest with me and now it's my turn. "You feel safe and comfortable around Alexis for a reason…"

"She gets it…" She sighs. "She gets what I'm going through and that is why she is here to help."

"What do you mean, she gets it?"

"It happened to her…six years ago." My wife admits. "It's not my story to tell but I wouldn't keep it from you." I'm not sure I believe Alexis. I know that would be low, but she is that kind of woman.

"Can you honestly say you trust her?" I step closer to Arizona and take her free hand. "Can you truly say that she isn't here to mess with your life again?"

"Yes." She nods. "Yes, I can."

"Okay…" I breathe out. "I'll be watching her, Arizona…but if you believe that she can help you through this, I'll let it lie for now."

"I need you above all else, Eliza." Her head drops to my shoulder and sobs wrack her body. "I need you and I know that this could be good for me."

"Then I trust your judgment…your decision." I give her a slight nod, gently placing my hand on her back. "I need you to do something for me, though?"

"Anything…I'll do anything for you." She whimpers, burying her face in the crook of my neck.

"I want you to see the kids," I say, not leaving much room to argue. "We will fix you up and they won't know any different."

"I'm desperate to see them." She pulls back and I can see it in her eyes. "I miss them so much."

"Then we will figure something out, okay?"

"Thank you…" She steps back a little. "I didn't ever want this to come between us, Eliza."

"Me neither." I brush a tear from her jawline.

"C-Can I?" She hesitates as her hand hovers around my bump. "W-Would you mind?"

"Of course, you can." I settle my hand over her own. "She belongs to you, too."

"I know…and I'm sorry I've been so distant." I can see that she is upset about not being more involved but I know she has a lot on. "I don't want you to think that I don't want this anymore with you. I do, Eliza."

"Okay…" I give her a small smile. "One day at a time, yeah?"

"Yeah…" My wife breathes out.

"I'm angry too, Arizona." I clench my jaw. "I'm so angry about everything you've been through and you are continuing to go through…"

"I know." She laces our fingers together and pulls me away from the door. "Can you sit with me a while?"

"If that is what you want, yes." I give her a slight nod. "I just…I wasn't leaving because I didn't want to do this with you. I hope you know that. I just want whatever you think is best for you. You know that, right?"

"I do…I think." She takes a seat on the couch and I drop down beside her. "If I've hurt you, I'm sorry."

"I just wasn't sure I was the one you wanted by your side anymore." I sigh. "T-The way you've acted lately, I just thought we were ending…"

"No." She gives me the first genuine smile I've seen from her in a long time. "You and I are forever and that is how it will always be. When I'm not angry and it's just us…alone, everything feels real. Everything feels like it should."

"M-Maybe the boxing thing could be good for you." I clear my throat, mad at myself for agreeing to this Alexis thing. "Just…be careful, please?"

"I will." She squeezes my hand. "I need you by my side, okay?"

"God, I hope so," I whisper. "I'm really trying, Arizona. I promise you."

"I know you are…" She agrees. "You've tried harder than anyone in this world and I love you for that. I love you for everything that you are."

"You're still the same person, Arizona." She shifts a little closer to me. "That woman I fell in love with so many years ago…you're still that person."

"One day…" She closes her eyes and rests back against the couch. "One day…"


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.