Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Twelve
ARIZONA'S POV
I feel different. I feel completely different to how I did at the beginning of this week and honestly, I feel like I'm coping a little better. I guess knowing that someone close by has been through the same thing as I have makes it a little easier to swallow. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. I know Eliza still isn't happy about the fact that I've taken Alexis up on her offer but she isn't as mad about it as she was two days ago. Two days ago when I spoke to her and told her how I was feeling. Two days ago when she was about to walk out of our home. I'm not mad at her for that. I mean, I hadn't done anything to show her or tell her that I wanted her here with me so I completely understand where she was coming from. I completely understand that she felt alone and not wanted. It wasn't my intention to make her feel that way, but I'm trying. I'm trying harder than ever and this day so far has been better than the last five or so have. I haven't called Alexis yet and I don't plan to until my pain has pretty much gone, but my wife and I haven't spoken about it. We haven't discussed anything we talked about before she walked in and assumed the worst. I get that, though. I can see why she thought Alexis was here for other reasons.
She's hardly the most trustworthy person we know but I feel like something has changed with her. Actually, I feel like a lot has changed with her. Her behavior and her mannerisms are totally different from anything I've ever seen before. Both when we were together and when she was busy trying to ruin my life, my relationship, and my career. I just don't get that impression from her right now. I don't get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when she is around. I know Eliza is wary, and she has every right to be…but I need her to support me through this. There may be days when I push myself too hard and I drain myself of any energy I have. There may be days when I'm feeling good and I want to take a walk with my wife. I need her here for both of those times. For all of the possibilities I could be about to face. I know it's hard, but I need her. I really do.
Being honest with her two days ago was painful. Not for me, but for her. I know it was. I could see it in her eyes when she was listening. How she looked at me. How she held my hand. I could see how hurt she was because I hadn't been totally honest with her, but also for me. For what I was facing and how I was feeling. I meant what I said when I told her I wanted to protect her. I meant it, and I'd choose it again over everything else. If it keeps her own pain at bay, I'd do anything to take all of the knowledge she has away. I know that isn't the right thing to do and I know my wife wants to be in the thick of it with me, but I don't want anyone else to hurt because of my ordeal. My attack. I don't want anyone else to have to suffer just because I am. Nothing matters more to me than my wife's happiness and I fear I've ruined what little happiness she did have left.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I ask as I lean forward against the kitchen counter. "You'd tell me if you weren't, right?"
"I'm okay." She gives me a slight nod, a small smile curling on her mouth as she does. "Just…don't know what to do with myself."
"What did you want to do?" I raise an eyebrow. "Did you have something in mind?"
"Not really." She shrugs. "Did you?"
"No, just trying to psych myself up for seeing the kids later." I release a deep breath. "You think it will go okay?"
"It's just the kids." My wife places her hand over my own. "You know them. You know who they are."
"I know, I just feel like I haven't seen them in forever and I don't know who they are…"
"Oh, trust me." Eliza laughs. "You will remember exactly who they are when they walk through that door."
"Yeah?" My smile widens. "You think?"
"Mmhmm…" She sips her water and studies my face. "Xavi will be a pain in your ass before you know it."
"T-That look…" I furrow my brow. "That look you've just given me…"
"What look?" My wife swallows hard. "I didn't give you a look."
"No, just…the way you looked at me." I can feel a blush creeping up my neck and now I just feel ridiculous. "Never mind." I clear my throat. "Sorry…"
"Hey, talk to me…" It isn't even a big deal. Just that look she gave me made me feel good. It was a look she would've given me before all of this happened. It wasn't a sympathetic look. It wasn't her feeling sorry for me. It certainly wasn't a 'my poor wife is a victim' look. Whatever it was, it felt good.
"You looked at me like you used to." I drop my gaze, my grip on my coffee cup tightening. "No big deal." I shrug.
"Then I will do that more often." She gives me one of her full smiles and my heart pounds in my chest. I can see how much my honesty means to Eliza right now, and I think it's something I have to work on.
"Eliza…" I study her face. "What do you see when you look at me?"
"Me?" She asks. "I see the woman I fell in love with from across the bar in downtown New York. I see the woman who made me feel incredibly loved from the moment she kissed me." Her soft smile sending a shiver down my spine, I cannot take my eyes off my wife. "I see the woman who I've shared the most incredible eleven years with…and I see the woman I'm going to grow old with." Her honesty is the one thing keeping me going today. Her honesty, and that look in her eyes. The look only I ever see. The look that has always been reserved for me. It's love. The look…it's undeniable love.
"Yeah?"
"I do…but I've always seen that." She rounds the counter and laces our fingers together. "I still see you as the same person you were, Arizona. Just a little broken right now."
"I love you." My voice breaks. "I love you and I'm so sorry for all of this."
"Hey…we've got this." She hesitates to hug me. "Can I?"
"God, I wish you would." I breathe out as her hand finds my hip. "I could really use a hug from you right now." My wife's arms wrapping around my waist, it feels as good as it always has. I don't know how a simple hug can make me feel so safe, but it does. It does and I don't care about the reasons for it. "Thank you…" I sigh. "I knew I married you for a reason."
"Yeah?" She pulls back. "And that reason?"
"Just…you're amazing." I smile. "Amazing and everything I've ever needed…"
Okay, my nerves are really getting the better of me right now. My kids are due at home any moment now and honestly, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Eliza has fixed me up pretty well and when I glanced in the mirror, everything felt different. I didn't look like the victim of an assault. I didn't look like I'd been beaten repeatedly. I didn't look like I've barely slept in a week. I looked like me. Sure, I know what is beneath the makeup, but in that moment…I felt good. Better, at least. I felt like maybe one day the scars will disappear. Not the physical ones, but the emotional ones. As far as I'm aware…I don't actually have any scars. Just the one close to my hairline which is easily covered. It's simply bruising and it doesn't define who I am. None of this does. That's what I keep trying to tell myself anyway.
"You okay?" Eliza heads down the stairs and towards me.
"Yeah, just…what should I do? What should I say?"
"Whatever you want to do or say." She furrows her brow. "I'm not worried about this, Arizona. I think it could be good for you."
"Yeah, you're right." I sigh.
"If everything becomes too much…you tell me, okay?" My wife raises her eyebrow. "If you need a moment to yourself, just give me a nod."
"Yeah, okay." I agree. "I'm sure I'm just worrying about nothing."
"And I'm sure you've got this." She squeezes my hand, the sound of my mom's car approaching. "I promise."
"Oh god." I run my fingers through my hair. "You're sure you can't see any of the bruising?"
"None." She shakes her head. "Just remember that you're still sore around your ribs so if they start climbing like they usually do, be careful…"
"Yeah, I've taken my meds so I'll probably just be a little sore tonight."
"And I will look after you." My wife says with complete certainty. "Oh…" She turns back to face me. "I forgot to tell you just how good you look today."
"Thanks, but it's just the makeup hiding everything…"
"No." She shakes her head. "You've looked good all day."
"Thank you." The sound of a key slipping in the lock of the door, I hold my breath and my kids come rushing through the door!
"MOMMY!" Shit, they've grown. "Mommmmmyyyyy…" Soraya comes barrelling towards me and if I wasn't already sitting down, she'd have knocked me off of my feet. "Mommy, I missed you."
"I missed you, too." Her arms wrapping around my neck, she squeezes me tight and tears fill my eyes. "You look so big."
"You look like a beautiful princess." Soraya pulls back and kisses me on the cheek. "Are you a princess, mommy?" She furrows her brow, genuinely intrigued.
"How can I be the princess…" I roll my eyes, my mood completely changing now that they're here. "…when you are the princess?" Poking my daughter in the stomach, she giggles and relaxes in my lap. Yeah, nothing has changed here. It's like none of us ever left our normal lives for a single moment. "Silly girl." Glancing over at my son, I narrow my eyes and he gives me one of his gorgeous smiles. A smile that often mirrors my wife's. "Come here, buddy." Opening my arms to him, he slowly approaches me and nuzzles into the side of my body. "You hiding your hugs from me, kiddo?"
"No." He sighs. "I thought you had gone."
"Huh?"
"I thought they had taken you from me." He mumbles, his hand tightening in the back of my tee and his face resting against my shoulder.
"Who?"
"The bad men." He admits. "Becky said that someone had stolen you from us."
"Do I look stolen?" I put on my best fake smile. "Do I?"
"No." He shakes his head, his little smile widening. "Becky is a liar."
"Maybe she is just very good at storytelling…" I try to reassure my son and prevent him from calling other kids liars. Yeah, she is a liar.
"Yeah…" He sighs. "I missed you, mom."
"I missed you too, big man." My arm tightening around his body, it feels so good to have my eldest two in my arms. "Hey, mom." I give her a full smile. "You good?"
"Better now that I'm watching this play out in front of me." She throws me a wink. "Everything good here?"
"You know…it is, yeah." I nod slowly, my body relaxed for the first time in over a week. "The twins not with you?"
"I figured I'd just bring these two by for now." She clears her throat. "I think they need some time with you."
"Thanks, mom." Simply sitting quietly with my kids, it gives me a moment to think about what Xavi said just a few minutes ago. Are people talking about me at his school? Do I need to call up and advise them against doing so? Surely they should be preventing this kind of thing from happening, no? It's not like he's a teenager who knows what's going on. He's freaking ten. "You guys want milkshakes?" I ask, pressing a kiss below Soraya's ear. "Huh?"
"Yay!" She jumps from her spot in my lap but Xavi is still holding onto me. "You wanna hang out here with your brother while I fix them up for you guys?"
"Mmhmm." She nods. "You make the best shakes, mommy." God, this feels so good. I'm trying desperately hard to keep my emotions in check, but it's hard. It's hard because they are totally oblivious to everything that's happening around them.
"Uh, I know." I deadpan, throwing her a wink as I climb to my feet. "You okay, Xavi?" I lower my tone and focus my attention on him.
"Yeah." He nods slowly.
"You wanna hang out back with me for a little while?" I ask. "Just me and you?"
"Can I?" His little eyes brighten. "When we got our shakes?"
"You got it." I nod, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "You think you can look after your sister for me while I get those shakes for you?"
"I'm the man of the house." He nods.
"That you are." Moving out of our open plan living room and towards the kitchen, I find my wife and my mom talking and I'd like to know exactly what about. "What's going on?"
"You want me to call the school?" Eliza asks. "I'm tired of those Benson kids, Arizona. You know Soraya came home last week and told me Molly said she was a bitch?"
"When did this happen?" I ask, shocked.
"The day you didn't come home." She clears her throat. "I'm not putting up with it anymore."
"Hey, don't work yourself up." I take her hand in my own. "The kids want shakes."
"They're done." She smiles. "You look so good with them, Arizona." She squeezes my hand. "They've missed you so much."
"I know." I drop my gaze. "I need them, Eliza."
"You've got them." She hands over two shakes. "Go and be with them…"
"Could I grab Xavi alone for a few minutes?" I ask, worry evident in my voice. "Just wanted to check in with him."
"Whatever you need…" My wife nods. "I'll take Soraya off your hands for a little while."
"Um, the second I hand her this shake…she won't care if we're here or not." Laughing when I'm reminded of just how much my daughter zones out, I roll my eyes playfully and head for the living room. "Shakes for my two special people?"
"Who is more special, mommy?" Typical Soraya.
"You are both super special to me." I give my daughter a knowing look. "Chocolate for you…" I hand it over. "And I think this super thick strawberry one belongs to you, big man."
"Thanks, mom." Motioning for him to follow me, he sucks on his straw and shuffles behind me. I don't generally allow my kids to eat or drink crap, but I've missed them and I'm trying to make this as enjoyable as possible for them. I have a suspicion my son knows more than he is letting on, and I need to know that he is okay. I don't want him to leave here tonight wondering when he will see me next. I don't want him to leave here period.
"So…" I drop down on the top step of our decking. "How's school?"
"Okay…" He shrugs. "I scored two goals."
"Yeah?" I smile. "That's awesome."
"I wanted you to come watch but mom said you were busy with work." He sighs. "Were you busy with work?"
"Of course, I was."
"Was Becky lying?" He glances up at me, his straw between his lips. "Did men take you?"
"No, buddy." I shake my head, trying to keep my voice calm. "I had to work and you know how busy I get. You remember I told you all about it?"
"Yeah." He nods. "Did you lose your car?"
"Huh?"
"Your work car?" He says, expecting me to know exactly what he's talking about. "Becky said her mom told her that it was broken. By a tree."
"Oh, right." I nod. Becky's mom really should keep her fucking mouth shut. "I broke down." I shrug. "But I had it fixed."
"Where is it?" He furrows his brow.
"Oh, Aunt Jo borrowed it." I wipe my palms down my jeans. "Her car broke, too."
"We have lots of people at Grandma's house." He suddenly changes the direction of our conversation.
"Lots of people?" I give him a look of confusion.
"And they have wires on their arms." He whispers. "Like…action men. It's cool."
"Really?" I try to be as nonchalant as possible.
"Yeah…and Grandma shouted at Uncle Tim on the phone." He laughs. "Said he had to come home and stop playing heroes."
"She did, huh?" I narrow my eyes. "Uncle Tim is with Grandpa, no?"
"Mmhmm…" He slurps his shake. "Is Uncle Tim playing the video games I'm not allowed to?"
"Yeah, I think he is." I clear my throat. "So, you're okay?" I ask. "Everything at school is okay?"
"Yeah." He drops his gaze.
"Xavi?" My voice soft, I need my son to be honest with me right now. I really do. "You know you can tell me if things aren't okay?"
"Some of the boys said I only have one mom now…" My son may only be ten, but he has a strong head on his shoulders. He picks up on things I don't really want him to at this age, and I know he knows something isn't right. He isn't stupid and I should really give him more credit.
"But you know that is not true, don't you?" I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "You know you have two moms who love you so much."
"I know." He perks up.
"You remember that pizza I promised you?"
"Yeah?" His eyes brighten.
"Well, how about we order in and watch a movie? Just the four of us…"
"Grandma said we have to stay with her again tonight." He sighs. "So we can't."
"Maybe we should just eat some pizza together and Grandma can come by later and collect you. How does that sound?"
"Sounds like the best idea ever!" He climbs from his spot on the decking. "Come on, mom…" He takes my hand and tugs. "I wanna pick the toppings."
"Tonight…you can have all the toppings in the world, kiddo." Regardless of how I'm feeling inside, this last hour or so has been the best of my life since my attack happened. Maybe the kids take my mind off things, I don't know. Maybe they always should've been here. All I know right now is that for the first time in what feels like forever, my life feels normal. My pain is at a minimum. My wife is safe inside with our unborn child and my two eldest have put one hell of a smile on my face. Yes, I need to figure out what is going on with my son, but for the time being, we're okay. That isn't something I imagined myself saying anytime soon, but it's true. In this moment, I feel okay. Better, at least.
Tonight I'm spending time with my kids. Time that is way overdue and time that never should've been spent apart. Tonight, that is my plan…but tomorrow? Tomorrow I want to know what the hell is going on with my brother. Right after I say what I have to say to that god damn school. I should probably update my wife on the fact that I'm looking at hiring a hitman too, but I can't do that right now. I want and I need a fight free night. I know they are hard to come by lately, but having my kids here has totally changed things for me. At least…today.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
