A/N: I suffered a loss in my family, and I couldn't even think of writing, and I'm not sure I can keep frequently posting, but I'm gonna try. Writing helps. Anyway, I hope you all had the happiest of holidays, and may this new year be kinder to us all.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
– – –
Daryl held an exhausted and silent Carol in his arms that night, the moonlight pouring in from the open drapes, and he stared at the ceiling without saying a word. He had his arm around her back, the other gripping her forearm that rested over his chest, his thumb gently stroking the soft skin the sleeve of her cardigan revealed; and he exhaled slowly, feeling her hairs brush against his chin when she shifted ever so slightly.
After she had stopped crying, he sat her down and retrieved her a glass of water. She didn't want to talk anymore, and she didn't want to be alone. Somehow they wound up like this, nestled up in her bed, warming and keep the other company. It would have been nice if she didn't shiver now and then, if she spoke to him at all, if she didn't snuffle and remind him of the heartbreak inside of her he couldn't fix. He wasn't sure anybody could fix it, but he knew he would try. He would try and try until it worked, or until he found someone or some way to aid her.
However he didn't know if it was mourning, regret, or being trapped in that terrible moment and being unable to escape it. Or a gnarled dark mess of all of three. He wasn't the person to help knock out those knots or begin the healing process. Carol always had his back. Always saw right through him and knew what to say, what to do, but he had no clue where to start. This was an unfamiliar path, and they would have to walk it together. He wouldn't let her stumble down it alone anymore, no matter how much she insisted she had to. It wasn't forcing her to be with him; it was him forcing himself and her to look over every shit detail of those days, of each kill and remembering why. Whys weren't kind or good to them, but they were important.
And when they arrived at the point where she absolutely needed to be by herself, he'd let go. He'd step back and let her find her way out of the woods. In the end, no matter how he pushed and supported and was there for her, she was alone on this path. And she alone would have to find her way out of it, but he'd do his damnedest to ensure that part of her path was the shortest. He couldn't make it any less difficult, but he would try to make it one step. It would be one hell of a step to take, but he'd be there before and after she took it, and if she let him, he'd be there while she took it. He'd sell his soul to whatever gods were out there to ensure Carol came off this path...better.
Not a better person, not a better killer, not a better anything other than better mentally. Better was all he could of, because these wounds were the hardest to heal, and it would take time. It would be brutal. It would be pounding fists and breakdowns. It would be tears at the slightest thing. It would be stressing over the baby. It would be a million things, and he would be there to help fight them off, if she wanted him there, if she let him fight alongside her. If not, he'd fight alongside her in the sidelines. He would cheer her on with looks and slight nods. He'd let her know while the path was dark and familiar and easy to lose yourself on, it was just a path. Sooner or later...she'd find herself stepping over old footsteps and find old tear stains, and it might still be as tough as before, but she made it out once before—and she could do it again and this time...could every well be the last time.
He reached his hand up to caress the back of her head, her fingers tightening on his chest at the movement, and he held her for a moment longer before she began to shift against him. I was right, he thought to himself as she pulled away, sitting at the end of the bed. He sat up and studied her as she stared with hollow eyes out the window, and he pulled his legs in.
Everything had changed.
– – –
Glenn smiled as Maggie lined up their hands, fingers closed and evenly aligned, and she moved them apart, his willing following in hers. She slowly slid her fingers through his, gently and affectionately squeezing his hand with her fingers. He chuckled at her, her beautiful eyes falling on his face, and she chuckled with him, leaning up to kiss him tenderly.
It had been intense. They'd been together many times before, in places they probably shouldn't have, but it had never been like this. He couldn't place what exactly had changed, but it wasn't a negative thing. He'd never felt closer to Maggie before. He'd never loved her this much—and he loved her more and more each day. It'd never...felt like this before, and he couldn't place what was so different. Nothing really was...
But that wasn't true, was it? They were different. They had been through hell and back in a cruel test. They had lost something precious with each other, and it wasn't something they would ever truly overcome. It would hurt less in time, perhaps, but it would stay with them like a scar, and it would fade only slightly in the coming years. It would always be there, a silvery pink little line across their hearts, and they wouldn't forget that awful day only months ago.
Glenn hoped it wouldn't haunt them as it had that very first day. He knew he could only wait and find out, but he had no experience with the loss of a child. He'd lost plenty of his family, his best friends even, but never his own child. He'd seen Carol go through it. He'd seen her struggle, stood beside her while she changed from a soft voice to a warrior. She came out better for it, but honestly there was really no better after losing your child. There was only an after.
Maggie studied those big brown eyes and knew what thoughts were brimming there, and she squeezed his hand once more, not speaking, simply comforting. She knew he'd come out and say it, but for now she wanted him to know he had her support with whatever it was. Though she suspected she knew. It had come up briefly before, and it was back now. It would always be back, and one day it wouldn't be a terrible, dreadful thing. It would just be. Or so she hoped.
He reached out and ran his fingers through her short hairs, earning a small smile from her, and he kissed her lightly, hearing her chuckle curiously. He traced his fingertips along her jaw once they'd slipped out of her hair, and he smiled back at her ardently.
She sat up, hands on either side of him on the bed, and she kept his gaze. "I love you too." She gently kissed his forehead.
"But I didn't say anything," he reminded her.
"You didn't need to." She smirked at him. "But I am wonderin' what you're not sayin'. You've been quiet. I can tell you're thinkin' about...somethin'."
"It's only been two months since we lost the baby," he whispered this fact, and she tensed somewhat. "Carol was a month along when we went to Hilltop, and now she's a bit over three months...so it's been two months."
She nodded. "Yeah..."
"You would have been...four months now? Or five?" He exhaled slowly. "It's...strange to imagine." He traced the hard line of her stomach, feeling a shudder course through her, and he looked back up at her, replaying what he'd just said and what he'd just done in his mind. "I—I'm sorry. I didn't—"
"It's okay." She smiled half-heartedly. "I was thinkin' about it earlier with Enid..."
"We would know if it would have been a girl or boy by now."
"I'd say a boy." She smiled more genuinely. "And I'm bettin' the next one will be a girl, because nobody would want you to miss out on the chance to raise a little girl. Even in this world."
He chuckled once and rubbed his index finger over her knee. "The next one, huh?"
She nodded. "I'm not ready for that step again, but...I'm not gonna pretend it won't happen again. I want to get pregnant again, and I want to do everything I can to keep the baby safe. It'll be scary, but I won't hide from it. I won't deny us...something we both want." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and rested her forehead on his. "We'll get there one day."
He kissed the tip of her nose and held her. "We will." He reached up and cradled her head, closing his eyes and the smile he'd previously given returned as he held his wife close, feeling her breathing in time with him, feeling her warmth and her love. There was no other place he'd rather be.
– – –
"Soon she'll be walking," Michonne commented when Rick leaned over to help Judith out of her crib.
"If she's anythin' like her brother, we'll be more worried when she learns how to talk." He smirked and held his daughter and her stuffed elephant close.
She chuckled. "I'll let you take her downstairs. I'll check on Carol, maybe try to find Daryl afterward. We need some meat for tonight. The baby won't get healthy without protein, and we don't have enough beans for them to do any real good."
He nodded. "I have to check on Eugene and the factory. He has a new batch for us to try. This batch will be used for the hospital run."
"Let me know how it goes."
"I will." He met her eyes. "I'm not sendin' y'all out there with faulty bullets, and Eugene wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did make a mistake like that."
"We'll be fine, with or without bullets." She placed a kiss on Judith's forehead then smirked at her boyfriend. "I have a pregnant woman to rouse. Wish me luck."
"Trust me, it isn't luck you're gonna need."
She stepped back and headed down the hall to Carol's bedroom. She hadn't seen Carol in a while, and she hoped she was all right. She had put some space between them to let Daryl do his thing, but it had been oddly quiet. She hadn't seen Daryl sulking or being a distant ass from rejection, so that meant Carol either returned his feelings, or...something else happened between the two. She wasn't sure what it could have been, but it couldn't have been so terrible. He wasn't stomping around town, and she wasn't avoiding him, to Michonne's knowledge. Though given how much Carol meant to him, that reaction might not...cover the heartbreak a rejection would bring.
She sighed outside Carol's room and reached out to knock, not wanting to go there. It was their business, and if Daryl wanted someone to talk to about how it went—good or bad—they were there. Until then she shouldn't assume it went poorly or well. She would be there if he or Carol wanted or needed someone to talk to, or vent at, and they knew that.
She waited a moment, hearing scrambling on the other side of the door, and she frowned, wondering who that could have been. It certainly wasn't Carol making all that noise. She was too little to make that much noise with just walking. She knew Carl wasn't big enough either, and he was downstairs. So who was in her room with her this early in the morning?
She had her answer when the door opened and Daryl stood on the other side, an utter mess of a man. His hair was more unruly, his shirt and pants wrinkled beyond all hope, and he looked like absolute shit. From how the bags under his eyes sagged, he didn't sleep a wink last night, and from how his eyes were closed to slits at the sight of her, he wasn't happy about being woken up. Or at least having to get out of bed, anyway.
She blinked, stunned, and she broke out into a smile. "Am I interrupting something?"
"What?" His voice was hoarse, rough as glass from the lack of water he'd had, and he cleared his throat to try and remedy that, but he caught onto what Michonne just said. His cheeks burned, and he shook his head. "No, no."
She smirked nonetheless. "You don't have to tell me anything."
"No, really, Michonne—"
"It's okay," she gently interrupted him. "I don't want any details, but I'm proud of you. You took a big step, telling Carol you love her, and I'm happy for you. Whatever the results, I'm with you. If you need to talk or need any help, just come find me." She smiled compassionately. "I'll leave you two alone, but make sure she has breakfast. We all kinda want the baby to come out all cute and chubby."
Daryl didn't bother to correct her as his mind produced the image of the baby all chubby-cheeked and giggling at him with the beautiful eyes of its mother. He wondered if he'd have her curls, and if so, if they'd be the same color as Sophia's hair or if it'd be the same color as Tobin's. His mind settled on a mixed image, and the baby was still damn precious. He felt warmth blossom in his chest at the image, and he couldn't hide the smile that reflected on his lips.
Michonne patted his shoulder. "Take a shower and meet me at Denise's in an hour. We have that run coming up soon, and we have a couple new volunteers we need to sort through."
He nodded. "I'll be there."
"Good."
He watched Michonne walk away then turned back to where Carol was coiled up on the bed, having passed out a good hour ago. He'd stayed up with her, being physically close to her and simply being there for her when she needed space. He wasn't sure how she was handling all of this, but he knew she'd do better without him crowding her for now. She needed to rest, and he'd make her something to eat when she woke up. He had a meeting to get to, and she didn't need to be involved with the details of the hospital run. It wasn't simple or in-and-out, but at this point it was mandatory. He was ready to do whatever it took to salvage those supplies and come back here with everyone. It was childish to think he could save them all when the shit hit the fan, but he would try. He wouldn't let what happened on the last run repeat itself.
His eyes drifted down toward Carol's belly which was covered somewhat by blankets. He was going to be...a father, not by blood, but who gives a shit? His blood father was a worthless, abusive piece of human waste. He wasn't worthy of the title of father, but at the end of the day Daryl wouldn't have existed without that asshole, so he was his father. To say he was a poor father was an understatement. He was barely even a human being, doing what he did to him and to Merle, and Daryl hadn't let go of his rage toward the asshole, even though he was long gone. Daryl had clawed his way out from behind his old man's shadow, out from behind Merle's, and he wasn't going back. Blood didn't define crap.
Like Ed. That piece of fucking scum who was worse than his father. Sure, Will beat the shit out of him and Merle, but he never once went any further with it, not like Ed. Ed beat Carol, right in front of the women when they were doing laundry, and he had no shame until Shane beat his face in. And even then had he survived the attack, he would have gone back to his old ways. He would gotten Sophia alone and done terrible things to her—things that made the rage Daryl felt for his own father intensify until he feared those flames would consume him entirely. Ed had no soul, and Daryl was glad he was dead. He had no remorse for that man, and had he been as close to Carol then as he was now, he would have killed Ed. Without a season thought, without batting an eyelid, without regretting it. What he did to her, the bruises everyone saw but said nothing about until that day, the way Sophia was all too eager to run off with the other kids and the reluctance in her return to their tent... He earned that death. Hell maybe even worse than that.
He averted his eyes, remembering the ones they'd lost, all the good and selfless ones who deserved better. He thought of Beth and her words at the shack, about how she thought Hershel would die surrounded by loved ones. A quiet, okay death. Hershel, T, Tyreese, Bob, Lori, Andrea, Noah... His hands balled to fists and weakly unfurled. They deserved a quiet, okay death, but what they got...
A loud sound halted his train of thought and his anger, and he looked up to find Carl on the steps, picking up a fallen toy of Judith's. He smiled slightly at that and called to him.
"I don't have class today, or the wall or patrol, so I thought I'd hang out with Judy," he explained. "Maybe teach her to walk. She stands just fine. It's just...moving forward that's the problem, and Enid's at Maggie and Glenn's studying, and I can't pronounce half the words without her teasing me."
Daryl nodded. "Just keep it down some. Carol's sleepin'."
"Oh? That's great." He beamed.
"What'd you mean?" He studied the kid. "Has—has she not been sleepin'?"
"No." He shook his head. "She's been pacing a lot the last couple of nights, looking like...the dead, really. Nothing we tried worked. You know, like warm milk with honey, or fruit. Enid said bananas help or something like that. I dunno, but it didn't work. She was still up most of the night. We were all so worried, but she's asleep now?"
"Yeah. She's been asleep for an hour now."
"Good. That's awesome." He ran a hand through his hair, relief spewing from his body. "That's one less thing to worry about."
"Yeah."
"I heard Michonne mention the hospital run." He met Daryl's eyes. "I know I can't go, so don't start that lecture. I've heard it from my dad about a million times. I just want you to know I'll take care of Carol, so just go on to the meeting. I mean, she and Judy are on the same feeding schedule anyway." He shrugged nonchalantly. "It's no trouble."
"I can do it."
"I know, but I'll be here, and this run is important. You have a lot of...adjustments to make, and you shouldn't have to worry about Carol on top of that. I'll make sure she eats."
He nodded slowly, realizing Carl was right. He could come back and tend to Carol, but that would leave their meeting on pause for however long he was gone. They were going soon, and it was his run. He couldn't ditch out to tend to Carol, no matter how badly he wanted to. He had help, and Carol had people to keep her on track. He didn't have to stress about her alone, because a lot of people loved Carol, and there were ones who loved Tobin and wanted to see his child survive, so they were taking care of Carol too. It wasn't his job alone.
"All right, but if you need me, you know where to find me," Daryl finally spoke. "And if she doesn't eat, lemme know. Don't crowd her."
He nodded. "I got it."
"Thanks, Carl."
"Don't mention it." He smiled once more and stayed at the top of the stairs as Daryl descended to shower and change in his own room. Carl's smile dissolved instantly when Daryl fell out of sight, his eyes moving to Carol as she slept in her bed, and his heart ached. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and balanced the toys in his arms to one side, reaching out to close the bedroom door.
He had his reasons for wanting to be there for Carol now, and he wouldn't share them with anybody. It was selfish of him, he knew, but he wanted to make up for how he acted and treated his mom when she was pregnant with Judith. He was cruel to her, yelling at her and storming off without approval or permission. He couldn't turn back the clock and redo everything. If he could, he would have been kinder. He would have listened to what she was saying to him, remembered her voice and her laugh. He didn't know if killing Andrew would save her or not, given that she had to have a C-section regardless, but he'd have tried. For Judith to have a chance to know their mom, to see her smile and hear her stories...to taste her awful pancakes...to be held by her even once.
He thought about his last embrace with his mom as she lied there on the cold, dirty prison floor all the time. He missed her so much, and he regretted their last few months together. He had so many of them, and he didn't want to make the same mistakes twice. He knew Carol wasn't his mom. He didn't even think of her as his mom, but...if there was a Heaven, if there was a thereafter where his mom was...he hoped she saw him doing all the kind and good things she raised him to do, that she wanted him to do for the people he loved. Carol had been there for his mom throughout her entire pregnancy, and he wanted to return the favor. She was his family, and she'd saved his life countless times, and not just his. He knew she didn't want him to repay anything, but he wanted to. There was no real score in his mind, but still, he'd be there. For a chance to see this new baby be held by their mother, he would be there for her.
You're so good. My sweet boy. You're the best thing I ever did. I love you. He released a soft sigh and gazed at Carol, part of him hoping Carol wouldn't have to say any last words to any of them before her child came into the world. The other part knew it was fruitless. They could and would fight to the very end, but when it was the end, it was the end. Nothing more to do than pull the trigger, or insert a blade.
Banishing those thoughts from his head, he silently pulled the door closed and headed to Judith's room where his dad was, and he was going to let him know the good news about Carol sleeping.
– – –
The meeting cut all the loose ends off. They were separating into four groups: Meds, equipment, outside guard, the men who would be protecting their exit, and inside guard, the men who were to guard those moving heavy equipment. Maggie was leading Meds with Denise. Daryl and Michonne were in charge of the groups moving equipment, Glenn was going to be with the outside guards to keep the number of walkers low—or draw them away from the cars. Glenn had the most vital job. If they couldn't get out of the hospital, they were all dead, and this was all for naught. That's why they entrusted this to Glenn. He was good at getting in and out without any hassle, and he had a good group of men and women to stand by him, who were willing and keen to follow his orders. They had a good feeling about this run.
Carl was confident that he could teach Judy how to walk fairly quickly, and he was pleased to see she was a quick learner. She was more interested in getting her toys back, but still. She was learning, and she had decent balance. His goal was to get her walking before Carol's baby was born, and he was sure he could do that. Though he wasn't sure when he could teach her how to talk. He'd have to ask his dad when it was time to begin teaching her. He'd leave potty training to the professionals.
Carol hadn't gotten out of bed much that day, though she did eat the meals Carl had brought her. She put on a smile when he and Judith joined her for a late breakfast and lunch, and she forced the food down her throat. She had so many things on her mind, but she was actually glad to have Carl there, not Daryl. He might want to speak on what she'd told him, and she couldn't. She was exhausted, and she didn't want to push further into those memories. She didn't want to know what more damage it would do to her.
Maggie and Enid worked with Denise to try and wrangle up a fresh walker after the meeting was over but they weren't so lucky. Denise decided to take Enid out tomorrow to hunt for one, as it was vital to her lessons, and the books weren't going to suffice this time. Denise asked Maggie and Glenn for permission, which was a little surprising as they hadn't mentioned their adoption of Enid to anybody just yet. They learned Enid had told Denise about it during class, and it flooded them with affection and warmth. Maggie said she was going to come with them just to lend them a hand, and Glenn would have offered, but he had been recruited by Daryl to help him with something unknown yet. Glenn hoped it wasn't dangerous or...weird, but it was Daryl coming to him in the middle of the evening and whispering to him that he needed his help. He'd just have to wait and see, but he hoped it was nothing serious in a negative way.
––
"Enid's washin' up." Maggie set the table, glancing at her husband as he spooned out lumpy potatoes. She gripped the back of the chair and sighed. "Are you okay with us goin' out tomorrow?"
"Yeah." He continued to spoon them out and let them plop back down into the pot.
"You don't seem okay." She walked over to him and caught the spoon.
He blinked. "I'm okay with it. I know how capable you all are, and it's just for a day. I'm just trying to figure out how to make smooth potatoes. Carol makes it look so easy."
She laughed. "You'll have to ask her."
"I will. Look at this." He smashed down a lump. "It's like a whole potato still."
"I'll borrow a mixer for the next batch." She pulled down the plates. "Stop messin' with them and help me set the table, please."
He set the spoon down and accepted the plates she'd handed him. "Speaking of help, I have to help Daryl with something...some time."
"What?" She dug out forks and faced her husband. "Help him with what? And when?"
"I honestly have no clue." He shrugged his shoulders. "He just asked me to help him, and I don't know when or where or with what. I'm a little scared."
"Don't be. He probably wants help tellin' Carol he loves her." She tensed as soon as the words fell out of her mouth and winced. She hadn't told Daryl she wouldn't tell anybody. Right? Oh, shit. Though most people knew, but she didn't want to start blabbing other people's feelings like this. To her husband or not. This was a sensitive subject for Daryl, and they needed to approach it delicately, not spewing it to everyone in the world and their brother.
Glenn smiled though. "He's finally gotten there then."
Maggie set the utensils down. "Yeah."
"It's about time." He set the table, taking the forks Maggie had placed on the table. "I hope it goes well."
She leaned against the counter. "Do you remember when Andrew attacked the prison? When we lost...Lori and T-dog?"
"Of course."
"We thought we'd lost Carol too." She crossed her arms and swallowed. "I road with Daryl to get formula for Judith. We both couldn't stand to lose anybody else that day." He nodded her on. "Well, on the way to find formula...Daryl stopped the bike. I thought he'd spotted a small, local owned store or somethin', but...he couldn't drive anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't realize it until later, but...the last person to ride on that bike with him was Carol. I think it caught up to him, and he just...stopped. I mentioned losin' Lori, and I could still feel her blood on my hands, under my nails and...between my fingers..." She shuddered. "And I spoke carelessly. He was so rigid, and it hit me that his best friend had died...and there was no sign of a body, not like T, not like Lori. There was nothin' to bury, and that would make mournin' her so much worse.
"And he had to consider the possibility that Carol suffered an agonizing death and she was roamin' the halls of the prison, just...waitin' for one of us to find her." She expelled a sigh. "My apology didn't mean much, but I still gave it. He put on a good show after that. I think he didn't want anyone to see him like that. He didn't want to be comforted."
"That sounds like how he used to be."
"He doesn't know that I saw, but when we found that daycare, I saw a wall littered with hand prints. They were cut from paper with the kids' names written on them, and there was some with the name 'Sophie'. The pain his eyes revealed..." She gulped. "It reminded me of when the prison fell. When I couldn't find you, when...my mind made me think the worst... That's where he was then. I know how much I love you now, and I can imagine how much he loves her now, and I'm happy for him, so whatever he needs your help for, help him. He's...clueless with love and romance."
"And I'm the master of it?"
"God, no." She walked over him as he feigned wounded, and she wrapped her arms around his waist. "But you're good at showin' people how to find their own way. Daryl needs that right now."
"Well, since you put it so nicely," he cupped the back of her neck, "I'll do my best."
"I know you will." She kissed him.
"Okay, the teenager isn't a big fan of the adults making out," Enid teasing upon entering the room.
"Well, the teenager should just get used to it then." Glenn smirked at her.
"Or the adults could get a room." Enid smiled lightly and sat down. "Or, you know, feed me 'cause I'm starving, and it smells good in here."
"That we can do." Maggie grasped the pot of potatoes and set them on the table. "I hope you like potatoes and carrots 'cause we got a lot of 'em."
Enid laughed. "That sounds...delicious."
"We also have some leftover meat." Glenn held up the pan.
"Oh, thank God." Enid exhaled.
They busted out laughing at the relief in her voice, Enid couldn't have apologized even if she wanted to, because they were all laughing at this point. It was the most Enid had laughed in a long time, and she kept the smile long after the laughter had stopped. Maggie and Glenn seated themselves at the table, Maggie grasped of their hands to say grace, and Enid bowed her head, her smile widening at the feel of Glenn and Maggie's hands tightening ever so slightly around hers. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in far too long, the feeling of family.
