Can't Let Go: PT 2


Chapter Sixteen


ARIZONA'S POV


One month later…

"One more round…come on!" Alexis gives me her harsh voice, pushing me further than I have in weeks. "You've got this, Zo!"

"I know I have." I grit my teeth, my body desperate for a little relief. "Fuck!" Pounding the pads attached to her hands, my strength increases, sweat beading on my forehead.

"Harder, Zo!" My lungs burning, I'm not sure I can keep this up for much longer. I'm not sure I can give Alexis what she needs. What she expects from me. I've improved significantly both mentally and physically but I'm weaker than I'd like to be. I'm weaker, but I'm working hard.

"I need to rest." I stop, bending at the hip and taking a breath. "I need five."

"No, you need to push through!"

"Alexis, just give me a moment, please?" She can hear the pleading in my voice and nods, groaning in disappointment.

"I'm sorry…I can't give you what you want." I drop to the floor, lying flat on my back. "I'm not strong enough yet."

"Hey, I'm just doing what you asked me to." She drops to her knees beside me. "If you need five, that's okay."

"I'm sorry." My chest heaves, the boxing glove on my right hand covering my face. "I'm an asshole."

"Uh, no…you're not." She scoffs. "You know this won't repair itself overnight. You know it takes time."

"Too much fucking time." I spit. "Eliza is ready to give birth any day and I'm fucking useless."

"Zo, you need to relax." She takes a seat beside me and pulls the pads from her hands. "You know Eliza is going to be okay. You both will."

"But how am I supposed to look after her…our baby, the twins and Xavi and Soraya?"

"You've got this."

"I don't feel like I have," I admit, pulling myself up into a seated position and bringing my knees to my chest. "She will need to relax completely and I'm going to fall apart, I know I am."

"I believe in you." Alexis raises her eyebrow. "If that counts for anything…"

"It does, thanks." I settle my hand over her own. "I appreciate your help."

"And I believe in you, too." My wife's voice sounds around us. "If that counts for anything."

"Hey…" I smile as I glance back at her.

"You done here?" Eliza points between us. "Or are you deep in your heart to heart?"

"I have a little more to do." I give her a sad smile. "Another hour, maybe?"

"Sure, whatever." Eliza shrugs, turning and walking away from Alexis and I. Furrowing my brow, Eliza is clearly pissed at me but I don't know why. I don't know what I've done wrong. I'm working hard and trying to be the best I can be for her. What's the problem with that?

"Can you give me a minute?" I climb to my feet and remove the boxing gloves from my hands. "I just need to speak to Eliza."

"Sure, yeah." Alexis smiles. "We can call it a day if you want?"

"No, I can't keep quitting." I shake my head. "I'll be five minutes. You want something to drink?"

"No, I'm good." Alexis stands. "Do what you gotta do…I'll hang out here."

"Thanks." I give my ex an appreciative smile. Heading inside, I slide the door closed and clear my throat. Eliza is sitting at the kitchen island, her baby bump ready to quite literally burst. "What's up?" I ask.

"Nothin'." She doesn't even bother to make eye contact with me.

"Clearly, that's a lie."

"Go and do your thing, Arizona." She sighs. "I'll just sit here like I do every fucking day…alone."

"Hey, that's not fair." I furrow my brow. "I'm trying…"

"You're trying with everything and everyone but me." She glances up at me, unshed tears in her eyes. "But whatever. I'm over it."

"I'm trying for you." My voice breaks. "I'm sorry if you don't see that."

"Honestly…" Eliza turns on her stool, facing me fully. "I don't." She shrugs. "I see you spending every fucking god given hour with her while I'm alone in our home."

"Okay, I'll ask her to leave." I head for the door that leads to our yard.

"Don't bother." She gives me a sarcastic smile. "I'm going out."

"Out where?"

"Just…out." She focuses her eyes back on the magazine resting on the countertop. "You can do what you like but I'm not sitting here waiting for you to just show up in my life."

"Whoa." I hold up my hands. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I feel alone, Arizona," Eliza says. "It means I don't like the fact that you're spending more time with her than you are with me."

"I'm just trying to fix myself." My shoulders slump. "I just…it doesn't matter." Closing my eyes and trying to calm myself down, I head for the yard and pull the door across. "Hey, so…I think we're done here."

"O…kay." Alexis furrows her brow. "Is something wrong?"

"No, not at all." I put on my best fake smile. "I'm just tired."

"Same again tomorrow?" She asks as she grabs her equipment.

"I'll call you, okay?"

"No problem." Squeezing my shoulder as she steps up to me, I can feel my emotions beginning to get the better of me. "Just whenever you're ready, yeah?"

"Sure, yeah." I nod. "Thanks, again." Watching Alexis leave, I drop down into a seat and give myself a moment to collect myself. I understand that Eliza hates Alexis, but she's helped me more than I thought possible. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling stronger in myself, even if when I'm working out I feel weak. I know I'm gaining my strength again but my wife doesn't see that. She sees past the reasons why Alexis is here and makes it something completely unnecessary.

I know she's scared. I am, too. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I do nothing and I feel like shit. I try to better myself and I upset my wife. I want nothing more than to be me again, but in this moment, I feel like it's never going to happen. In this moment, I feel like this recovery is going to go on for the rest of my fucking life. I don't want that. I don't want to worry about how my wife feels. I want us to be happy and content. I want us to just live our lives and return to normal. It's never going to happen.

Standing, I take my bottle of water from the table and head for my home again. Eliza has probably left, but if she needs time away from me…there is nothing I can do about that. Finding her in the same spot I left her in a few minutes ago, I round the kitchen counter and empty my water in the sink. "May I take a shower?" I turn to face Eliza.

"Don't be a smart ass."

"Oh, I wasn't." I hold up my hands. "Can I, or not?"

"Just…go away." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Please…"

"Go away?" I raise an eyebrow. "And where do you propose I go, huh?"

"Wherever you want." She smiles. "Do whatever the hell you want, Arizona. I don't care."

"No, you don't." I nod slowly. "You've made that clear."

"I'm not fighting with you." She sighs as she removes herself from her stool. "You forget my waters are ready to break any day…"

"I don't forget." I furrow my brow. "And don't dare accuse me of not caring." Heading for the staircase, I turn back to face my wife, disappointed at how she feels about me. "You know, sometimes I wish he'd killed me. Sometimes I wish he'd just blew my fucking brains out."

"I-I…"

"But then I remember what I have here. I remember how much I love you and couldn't bear to ever leave you." A tear slips down my face. "I remember that I have responsibilities and kids and the most beautiful woman in the world…but for some reason, I still fuck everything up. I still manage to piss you off without doing anything wrong."

"Arizona…"

"No, I don't want to hear it." I turn my back. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty wife. You know what to do if you need more, though. You know, and I'm not stopping you." Disappearing up the staircase, my heart is breaking. I don't want this to be our life. I don't want to fight and disagree every hour of the day. So, I'm taking myself out of the situation and I'm locking myself away.

I'm sick of this shit…


"H-Hello?" My voice hoarse from lack of conversation, I clear it and try again. "Hello?"

"Honey, what's going on?" Mom's voice filters through my cell.

"What are you talking about?"

"Eliza has just left…she was upset."

"Dunno," I say, nonchalantly. "Your daughter is a piece of shit and her wife hates her. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Arizona, what are you talking about?"

"Why are you calling me, mom?" I ask. "If Eliza has been there…why are you calling me and asking my side?"

"That isn't what I'm doing."

"Sure it's not." I laugh. "I gotta go. I have walls to fucking stare at." Ending the call, I feel bad for how I've just spoken to my mom. I feel bad, but that's just who I am now. Angry. Nasty. Full of hatred. If they don't want to hear it, they shouldn't call me. It's as simple as that.

Throwing my cell onto the coffee table, I curl back into the fetal position and continue to stare at the TV with no volume. I want silence but I don't want to go insane so I'm watching a silent show. God, my life is so fucked up. My cell pinging, I don't bother to even check it. I don't bother to look at the screen. It will just be someone else in my life talking shit and I'm done with it. I'm done with all of them.

The sound of a key slipping into the lock, I close my eyes and groan internally. I'm not in the mood for another heated discussion. I'm not in the mood to watch my wife staring at me with disgust. I just...I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I sent Alexis a text a few hours ago canceling any future session sessions with her and I'm sticking with that. If Eliza wants to live with a monster, that is her decision. I've tried and I've failed, so I don't know where else I go from here. I really don't.

"Are you awake?" My wife's voice sends a shiver down my spine. "Arizona?"

"What?" I say a little harsher than I intended it to sound.

"Are you awake?"

"No, I'm not." I refuse to move.

"Okay, I deserve that." Eliza sighs. "But…can we talk?"

"No, thanks." I sit up and get my bearings. "I'm going to bed."

"The kids will be here soon…"

"So?" I stand and face her fully. "I'm a fuck up so why do you want your kids anywhere near me?" My heart sinking when I refer to them as Eliza's, I can feel that lump in my throat. That burn. The emotion.

"They're not my kids."

"Tell that to your attitude." Taking the stairs two at a time, I slam the bedroom door shut and head straight for bed. This day is only getting worse and I don't know how to pull myself out of this mood. Sure, I didn't create the mood, but I don't want it to continue. I don't want Eliza to stress herself out. I'm already causing her enough hurt by being here and the thought of our baby being harmed would end me. It really would.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" The bedroom door flies open, hitting the wall.

"With me?" I ask. "What's wrong with me?"

"Yeah." Eliza leans against the frame of the door.

"You really don't see it, do you?"

"See what?" She furrows her brow.

"How shitty you've made me feel today." I sigh.

"Because I called you out on how much Alexis is here?" She raises her eyebrow. "Sounds more like a guilty conscience to me."

"G-Guilty?" I stutter. "Guilty of what?"

"You…you're never around for me."

"Never around? I haven't left this house since I got back from the hospital." My words are barely above a whisper but right now, I can't believe what I'm hearing. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"She's been here every day for the last two weeks, Arizona."

"And you haven't seen a difference in me since then?" I glance up, my eyes searching her face. "You haven't seen an improvement?"

"I have." Eliza nods. "But sometimes I wonder if your improvements are because of the working out or because she is here…"

"Y-You didn't just say that." I drop down on the edge of the bed. "Y-You really think that?"

"I don't know what to think anymore." Eliza pushes off the doorframe. "I feel like you're never around. Just three days ago, you spent seven hours out in the yard with her. Seven hours, Arizona."

"You were taking a nap," I say quietly. "I didn't think it mattered."

"No, you don't ever seem to think anymore."

"I'm sorry, okay?" I shake my head, tears falling freely. "For trying to better myself. For trying to get back to normal for you…"

"I just need you by my side…" My wife approaches me. "I need you here with me."

"I am here with you." My eyes find Eliza's. "I'm always here with you."

"Except you're not." She gives me a sad smile. "Physically, yes…but you are not here with me. Not really."

"I don't know what you want me to say." I breathe out. "I've been doing this for us but you don't see that so I don't know what else you want from me."

"Did you mean what you said…earlier?"

"About what?"

"Wishing you weren't here anymore." Eliza's voice breaks.

"Yeah, I did," I admit. "Seems like the easiest way…"

"I don't want you to feel that way, Arizona."

"Maybe not, but you also don't want me to better myself." Brushing the tears from my jawline, I sigh…nothing else to say.

"I do want you to better yourself."

"Does seeing me like this make you feel better?" I ask, my brow furrowed. "Does seeing me weak give you some kind of kick?"

"What? No!" My wife gives me an incredulous look. "How could you even say that?"

"Then why are you being like this?" I ask. "Why are you behaving how you are?"

"Because I'm scared."

"So am I, Eliza…" I stand. "I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life." Taking her hands in my own, it feels good. Just like it always does. No matter how much we fight, my wife's touch will always settle me. I'd like to believe she feels the same way, but I'm not sure right now. "I'm scared of everything we are going to face…"

"I just…you were confiding in her." Eliza drops her gaze. "That should be me…"

"I don't want to tell you that I feel like a failure. I don't want you to be worried about the moment your waters break and I panic…why would I?"

"Because I'm your wife." She sighs. "I'm the one you talk to."

"And have you worry, too?" I raise an eyebrow. "What good could possibly come from that, huh?"

"I don't know."

"Have you thought that maybe I confided in Alexis to protect you?" I ask. "That I didn't want you to hear the way I felt because I don't want to add to the stress you are already feeling? Stress already created by me?"

"I'm proud of the hard work you've been putting in…"

"So was I." I give my wife a small smile. "But this isn't about that right now. This is about you believing and understanding that what I've been doing isn't to hurt you or make you feel alone…but to prepare myself. To get to a good place…or try, at least."

"I'm sorry." She toys with my fingertips. "For how I spoke to you earlier. I do care…I care about everything you do."

"You don't, but that's okay." I shrug. "All I care about is that you are okay…"

"I do care." Eliza turns and pulls me down on the bed beside her. "I care and I'm sorry. Today just…I guess things just got on top of me and I took it out on you."

"Why did you do that?" I ask.

"I don't know." She shakes her head. "Fear…worry about Alexis' intentions."

"She's here to help, Eliza," I say with certainty. "Do you really think I'd let her come in here to cause trouble?"

"No, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to try."

"And I get that." I agree. "I can understand why you worry about her being here."

"But I just have to grin and bear it, right?" She rolls her eyes.

"No, not at all." I furrow my brow. "This is your home…I wouldn't allow her here if it's really too much for you."

"I appreciate that bu-"

"So, I've quit my sessions with her," I say before Eliza can backtrack on her feelings about today. I know she hates Alexis so it's easier if I just stop this.

"No, you can't do that."

"I can and I have." I stand, squeezing my wife's hand as I do. "I'm ordering in dinner…what are you having?"

"Arizona, we should talk about this."

"I've think you've made your feelings known today, Eliza." She follows me out of the bedroom. "I'm ending it all before it causes any more problems, okay?"

"Can we talk about it over dinner?" She asks, a pleading tone in her voice. "Please?"

"Sure, but it isn't going to change anything…" Taking the stairs, my wife follows behind me and we head into the kitchen. "I'm calling mom to ask her to bring the kids by."

"Okay." She sighs, her shoulders slumping a little.

Lifting my cell from the coffee table, my eyes land on a text message from Alexis. I know she is going to try to change my mind and I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Eliza doesn't need this in her life right now. She doesn't need my ex…and her half-sister who tried to ruin us, inside our home and acting like nothing ever happened. I know what I was doing was good for me, but it isn't good for Eliza. She is who matters…she always was. Me? I'll carry on as usual. Pleasing everyone else before myself.

"O-Oh." My eyes scan the message I received from her a little over forty minutes ago.

It's done…gone.

"What?" Eliza senses my mood and approaches me. "What's wrong?"

"T-The uh, the guys…Russians…they're gone." Her features drop as my words reach her ears.

"Oh, fuck!" Glancing down her body, my wife holds onto her bump and my eyes widen. "O-Oh, um…"

"They broke…" My anxiety skyrockets. "Y-You're waters…"

"Yeah." She winces. "T-They did."


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.