Disclaimer: I own nothing.
– – –
Carol bolted off the porch towards the pond, Rosita and Spencer turned as she ran by, and no one knew what the hell had happened until both Carol and Aaron had plunged into the pond. Rosita looked down instantly to see Judith was gone and ran towards the water, and Spencer followed.
"Judith!" Rosita could see both Aaron and Carol's figures in the water, but not the baby's. "No, no."
Rick and Michonne came barreling out of the house at the cry of their daughter's name, Carl right behind them, and Rick was ready to jump into the water after them when he saw someone nearing the surface holding his daughter in their arms.
––
Carol's skin shuddered the moment she dove headfirst into the freezing pond. She could feel the icy water wrapping around her and numbing her as she dove deeper, trying to see Judith. The water was clear on the surface, but once below it was dark. Judith was wearing a dark purple jumper today, so Carol couldn't hope to see her clothes, and the little girl always tugged her socks off, so there was no use trying to find the white socks. She would just have to hope to find her. And soon. She was small, and the water was freezing to even Carol, and she likely had already swallowed water.
A splashing sound caught her attention briefly, but Carol spotted color just below her. She was running out of air, but she didn't care. She couldn't resurface without that little girl. She refused to let anything happen to her. She meant the world to Carol, and she meant the world to Carol's best friend. She wouldn't let Lori's death become meaningless. She wouldn't let that happen. She wouldn't lose this precious child.
She kicked harder and reached out, her fingers gabbing the motionless body of Lori's child, and she pulled her into her arms, preparing to surface when something caught her pant leg. She looked down and saw a walker. She tried to kick its grip loose, but she was underwater, her movements were slower. She couldn't get enough force. She couldn't get free holding Judith, and obviously the little girl didn't float, so she couldn't hope to let her go and have her float to safety. She couldn't kill the water at this angle either. There was nothing...nothing.
Her lungs burned, her brain screaming at her for air, right now, and she couldn't keep her lips from parting, choking on the water. She couldn't breathe, and she was choking. Her heart began to race, she couldn't pull free from the walker, and she couldn't save Judith. She couldn't move, and she couldn't kill. She couldn't do anything! She could only drown with a little girl in her arms.
Suddenly her foot was free, the splash from moments ago was Aaron, and he wrapped his arms around her, guiding her and Judith to the light. They broke through the surface together, taking in the air, coughing and sputtering and moving towards the grass. Carol held out Judith, Michonne took her and began CPR at the realization that she wasn't breathing, and Aaron held Carol as she shuddered and coughed out water, unable to pull herself out of the pond just yet.
"Here." Eric held his hands out, and Aaron gave Carol a boost, and they got her out of the water. "Easy, easy." He removed his jacket and wrapped her in it, though it did little against the cold air and her wet body.
"Is she br—breathing?" Carol gasped.
"No." Rosita shook her head.
Carl whimpered in frustration at his seemingly lifeless baby sister. "Why isn't it working?"
"I—I've never done CPR on a child," Michonne confessed.
"Let me." Carol moved beside her and performed CPR. When she was pregnant with Sophia, she'd made sure to learn all she could to avoid losing her daughter. She'd learned this and the Heimlich and a lot of other things. She wanted to cover everything, because that little was the only light in her life with Ed. She wouldn't let the world take her baby girl from her.
Suddenly wails came from the little girl, Rick sobbed and embraced her to sooth her. Michonne curled up beside him and stroked her hair. She placed a kiss to those wet locks and rose to grab a towel from the house. Eric and Aaron exhaled deeply at the sight of her crying, Rosita apologized to Rick, and Spencer ducked his head and apologized as well. Rick shook his head, unable to speak, simply grateful she was okay.
"What the hell?" Daryl ran over, dropping down beside a still soaking wet Carol, and he noted Judy and Aaron were wet too. "Are you okay? Is she okay?" He studied the sobbing toddler.
"Carol saved her." Aaron ran a hand through his hair. "She'd wander off and fell into the pond. I saw her fall in while Eric and I were walking. Carol got her out."
His eyes now studied the pale woman only inches from him. "That so?" Her eyes were locked on Judith, and she didn't speak. Daryl wrapped an arm around her and helped her stand. "You needa get out of these wet clothes. C'mon."
"You ought to too." Eric looked over his boyfriend. "Let's get home."
He nodded. "Denise is still out, but we should make sure she doesn't have any water in her lungs."
"How? We don't have the equipment or skill for that." Rosita reminded him. "That's why we have a run planned."
"We?" Daryl didn't remember her signing up.
"Yeah, we." She stood up. "You need another person to cover with Glenn, right? I make sixteen."
"Are you sure?"
She looked at Judith and Carol and nodded. "I'm sure."
"Talk to Tara. I gotta get her outta these wet clothes." Daryl guided Carol into the house and to her bedroom. He turned on the shower and set a towel on the sink for her. "It's all set up in there, so why don't you just shower? I'm gonna check on Judy, but I'll be back with some tea, or warm broth."
She simply stood there, shaking like a leaf and dropping onto the floor, crystal eyes unfocused.
"Carol?" He set a hand on her shoulder. "You all right?"
Her eyes met his. "I—I saved her... Judith."
"You did. She's fine. Just...shook up is all."
"No, I saved her." Tears pooled in her eyes. "I did. Like last time, I saved her..."
He frowned. "You saved her, yeah, now you gotta get out of these wet clothes. C'mon, please."
"She's all right." Her breathing was too quick, and he saw the panic attack too late.
"Hey, hey." He held her waist to keep her on her feet. "She's fine, and you are too." He smiled a little. "Just breathe. C'mon, breathe with me. \"
Water dropped from her wet hair down her nose, and she couldn't. She closed her eyes tightly, he grasped her hand and set it over his chest, pulling her close so that he could rest his chin on her shoulder. He didn't hush her, simply waited as her breathing begin to even out and match his, and he smiled to himself when her hot breath stopped blowing against his neck. He still needed to get her out of those clothes. She wasn't entirely in the right mind, so he'd stay with her for a bit longer. He didn't mind.
"I'm cold," Carol murmured against his shoulder, trembling against him.
"Yeah, let's get you in the shower." He peeled off Eric's jacket and set it on the sink. He pulled her toward the shower. "C'mere."
She studied him for a moment. He removed his boots then bent down and removed hers, she nearly lost her balance, but she used his shoulder for support. She could feel the muscles underneath as he gently freed her foot from her boot. He didn't remove anything else, only straightened up and pushed the glass door open more. She opened her mouth as he stepped under the spray of warm water, and it quickly soaked through his shirt.
He pushed his wet hair back and moved aside. "Told you I'd be here, and I meant that."
She smiled weakly, not even a shadow of her normal smiles, and she joined him. She shuddered when the warm water hit her skin, but it felt nice. She sank down into a ball, the water splashing down on her, and she closed her eyes. Daryl sat beside her, not saying a word or even touching her apart from their hips, and she turned to lean into him, her knees just barely hanging over his, her back against the tilted shower wall, her head as well.
"The last time I saved her," Carol whispered, eyes barely open, and Daryl listened closely to her words, "I had lost Mika. I had to..." She exhaled shakily. "There was a price last time, and I can't pay it again."
"You don't have to."
"But I did, and I know...it was different. I do, it just feels like...something I did or didn't do will come back to hurt us. I just can't figure out what it is."
"There's nothin'."
"And if there is?"
"There ain't." His voice was assuring, soft and stern, and she had to look at him. "There ain't a price. You and Aaron saved her. She's gonna be just fine, and there's nothin' you need to worry about, expect for gettin' warm."
"You sound so sure."
He frowned. "And you don't."
"Maybe I'm just used to the world punishing me."
"You don't deserve it."
"How do you know?"
"I just do. You're a good person, and bad things have happened to you—to everybody—but it isn't your fault. It isn't punishment. It's just...how things turned out."
"It feels like the world makes time to remind me of all I've done, all I've lost..." She shook her head. "It aches so much I can hardly breathe from the burden of it."
"I can't put myself in your shoes," he admitted, peering at her through wet, clinging bangs. "The strength you have... I don't got that, and I'm not sure I coulda done what you did, but I would've had to have. Rick would've had to have. She was a danger to Judith, to you and Ty. To any group that would that might have had her, and if she wasn't a danger to them, they were a danger to her. You did what was best, even if it didn't feel that way."
"Is that how it was with Beth?"
He shook his head. "No. We were reckless. We... I should've taken command, should've led us somewhere safe, somewhere close to Maggie and any survivors. I didn't." He bowed his head. "I didn't do a damn thing for a long while. I let a kid flounder at leadership while I sat there like a stump."
"Do you still blame yourself?"
"For those asshole takin' her?" He inhaled. "Yeah. I shouldn't have opened that door. I shouldn't have let her go on ahead alone. She didn't want to leave me, didn't want us to separate, but we had to. Tsk, I thought we had to."
"When we found the pecan grove, Mika said to me, "Everything works out the way it's supposed to"." She swallowed tears. "We moved on from the grove, because of her and Lizzie's deaths. We got to Terminus to save you all. And then Beth was able to save me when I was taken. I would have died, because they would have given up on me, but not Beth. She saved my life."
"Everything works out the way it's supposed to," he murmured to himself.
"If I had seen it, if I had prevented it, who knows where we'd be. If you'd even still be alive, or..." She couldn't finish that sentence, and she felt her stomach churning.
"Don't. You don't have to go there."
"But I might." She stared straight ahead. "You're going on a run for what could be weeks long. We won't have any way of knowing if you're alive. You could get separated from the group. Or Glenn could. Or Maggie. We could lose all of you, and...there wouldn't be any closure. Not for weeks, maybe even months. My mind would go there, like the last time."
"The last time?"
"Lizzie asked me if I thought you weren't going to make it back at the prison, when everyone was sick. I didn't want to think about what would happen if you didn't come back, if something happened to you on the way or in that building."
"I'm fine, Carol."
"You won't always return."
"I'll try my damnedest to." He reached over and brushed hair out of her face tenderly. "I can't give my word, but I'll try. Carol, I..." He choked. "I'll try."
She said nothing further, just rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She knew what he was going to say, and perhaps it was time to let him know she knew. But then he would want to know how she felt. To be honest, she didn't have a clue what her emotions were anymore. They were all over the place, and she didn't know where to begin to decipher them.
––
Daryl warmed up some broth for Carol, his hair still damp, but he was dry. He'd changed and left Carol to change. He hoped she was under the covers. It was cold outside, and the water could have given her a cold. He didn't want that to happen, so he would have to try and keep her inside. Until he left, that was, but he knew Rick would take care of her. He knew he didn't have to ask for Rick to do that.
Michonne entered with Judith in her arms. "Someone used up all the hot water."
"Sorry." He looked over the girl. "She all right?"
"For now. Rick and Rosita went to get Denise." She rubbed her back. "I'm just trying to keep her calm."
"I'll ask around and see if anyone has a baby gate now that she's walkin'."
"Looks like you're in daddy mode." She smirked. "I appreciate it."
The tips of his ears burned. "I—I'm just lookin' out for her. I ain't in any mode."
"Daryl, it's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed. You'll make a great dad. It doesn't take a genius to know you'll be there for Carol and the baby, and whether or not you're together, you'll be there."
"About that," he started. "What you saw this mornin'—"
"Hey, Daryl." Carl hurried into the kitchen. "I went upstairs to grab a blanket for Judith, and I walked by Carol's room. I think she's having a nightmare. She's...thrashing, and I couldn't get her to settle down."
He abandoned the broth and ran upstairs, Carl and Michonne chased after him, and he sat down beside her. She had stopped thrashing, but sweat coated her brow, and she was muttering to herself, panting. Daryl wiped her brow and whispered by her ear, words for only her to hear, and Carl was astonished at how quickly she calmed. She opened her eyes and sat up, panting in short, rapid breaths and every inch of her was quaking, and Daryl stroked her hair, asking if she was okay. She didn't reply, simply buried her face in his shoulder, holding onto his arm with both of hers.
Michonne pulled Carl back to let them have this moment now that they had confirmation of her being okay. She sent him to retrieve the broth Daryl had made, and she rocked Judy, seeing she, too, had calmed after today's hectic events. She was glad they were both all right, though her heart would stop racing once Denise looked her over. A professional check up would do her heart a world of good.
Inside Carol's bedroom, Daryl still held her, her face buried in the crock of his neck now, and he smoothed down her hair. He was glad her ears were no where near his chest, otherwise she would hear his heart pounding. He had been worried, so that could be a cause, if she were to hear it. But honestly he'd rather just...hold her and let her focus on her breathing. He didn't want to add to the thoughts haunting her.
"What was it about?" he dared to ask once she'd grown lax against him.
"I don't remember." It was the truth. "I just remember how it felt."
He checked her forehead for a fever, but she was cool. "Stay in bed today, just in case."
She was too tired and weak to argue. "Okay."
"Are you hungry?"
She leaned back against the pillows. "When aren't I?"
He chuckled at the weak, dry smile she'd cracked. "I'll warm up some of the lunch Michonne made."
She nodded.
Carl knocked on the open door. "Sorry to interrupt, but I brought the broth you made up."
"That's not lunch," Carol commented.
"I couldn't find the tea." He accepted the cup. "It's still hot, so blow on it. I'll be right back."
"Michonne and I are going to wait for my dad at the gate, so could you watch Judith?" Carl inquired. "We have to watch the wall anyway while Tara and Rosita go over the plans for the hospital run. Abe's already left with construction, and Sasha's gone to find Morgan to begin a plan on building a fence the pond. There's really no one else. They're all at their jobs."
"It's fine." Carol moistened her lips. "Just make sure she has her elephant. She loves that thing."
He nodded and departed to fetch the toy, Daryl followed him out the door, and Michonne entered to hand over Judy.
"How are you feeling?" She sat on the bed, placing Judy in her lap.
"Dry." She still had prune fingers. "Warm."
"You were in the shower long enough to become a fish. How are you dry?"
"It must have been the heat of the shower." She rolled over. "How's she?"
"A little cranky, mostly scared, but she's calmed down some. She's a tough kid, like her brother."
"Yeah." Carol reached over and stroked Judith's cheek. "I'm glad I was able to get to her in time."
"We all are." Michonne clasped Carol's outstretched hand and squeezed it. "Thank you. Rick would have said it had he been able to speak, and I'm saying it now. Thank you."
She smiled some. "Don't mention it."
"Where'd you learn how to do that?" Michonne asked. "CPR? I mean, for babies."
"Sophia. I wanted to be able to protect her from everything, so learned how to do it. She never had any trouble in the water, but it still helped this one."
"Andre didn't care for water. He didn't even really like to drink it." She smiled in memory. "That's why I never had to learn it. His father knew, just in case, but I didn't think to learn it, especially after the world...changed."
"You never know what skills you'll need, in this life or...that one."
"That's true."
– – –
Maggie swished the beam of the flashlight through the doorway of the pet shop, the sound of flies and nothing else unsettled her, and she stepped inside. They'd knocked on the side to wait for walkers, but none came. Denise entered behind her with Enid and the puppy. They couldn't persuade the girl to stay in the car, so they were all in together.
"Where would puppy stuff be?" Enid looked for any signs on the ceiling to indict where things had once been, but they were covered in thick dust.
"I don't know. I'll look over here. Why don't you look over there, Denise? Enid, search the middle section there." Maggie looked over the small kennel they had on display, and she looked for a blanket to stuff inside. Once she was bigger, they could put her in this at night to sleep in. They'd have to train her if they were going to keep her, and Rick might not like it, but there was no getting rid of this puppy.
Denise found her way to the back, spotting the open back door, and she kept walking, trying to find the supplies they needed for the puppy. She also kept an eye out for any supplies they could use. She wasn't sure if there were any, but she might as well search. This trip wouldn't end entirely fruitless, but a few extra supplies for them would make it even more worth it.
"Oh, God," Enid rasped.
"What?" Maggie shot up and over to her, finding what had made the girl whimper. In the cages in the window were the bones of the animals left behind. Maggie set her arm around Enid and guided her away from them. She suspected a lot of animals had starved to death in their cages, but she hoped to never see evidence of that theory. Now she had. And so had Enid. "Here, just stay here."
"Maggie, I've seen worse."
"Well, I need you to prepare this kennel once I grab a blanket or a small pillow bed for her."
"All right."
Maggie walked up and down the aisle, finding the items she needed for the kennel, and she heard Denise exclaim when she found the dog food and puppy formula. Maggie grabbed a cat carrier to stuff the items for the puppy inside since there weren't any bags. Usable ones anyway.
"There." Maggie bent down. "I don't know if this needs to be warm or not, but she needs to eat now. I found some little bottles." Enid awed at how cute and small they were, and Maggie laughed. "I know. They're so little."
"I can feed her." Enid sat down. "We have some time before we have to go back, right? I'm sure it won't take too long."
"All right. This water ought to be nice and lukewarm by now." Maggie pulled the water bottle out of her backpack and used her flashlight to read the instructions on the container. "Okay." She had to guess on the amount as she didn't have the proper measuring tools, but it seemed right. She shook it up in the water bottle until little clumps stopped clinging to the bottle and poured it into the little nursing bottle.
Enid accepted the bottle. "What if she doesn't take it?"
"Then we'll have to make her." Maggie scooted closer, so her legs were against Enid's, studying the puppy. "Is she even awake?"
"Yeah." Enid nodded.
Denise watched them for a moment then stood up. "I'll load the car. It's about time to start heading back."
"Are you sure? We can still finish this."
"Not with a puppy in tow. There are plenty of other lessons I can teach her until our next trip." She went outside and popped the truck, placing the bags of food inside along with the cat carrier, and she arranged the kennel in the backseat. Enid would likely be back here the entire drive home, so she made sure it was balance without taking up too much room.
She spun around to enter the pet store and was met with a walker. She nearly fell back inside the car in surprised, but hastily caught herself and pushed it back. She reached for the knife Tara had given her and summoned all of her courage. She couldn't panic, not with Enid and Maggie just inside with the puppy. She could handle one walker.
She trust the blade into its skull, groaning at the feel and sound of it, and she yanked it out as it fell to the ground. She felt her stomach twisting, like the first time she'd killed a walker, and she pressed her fingers to her lips. She wouldn't be sick. She wouldn't be sick. She would not be sick. Though those words did little to ease her stomach. She groaned once more and swallowed hard, inhaling slowly, and the churning began to lighten.
It was then that she noticed movement in her peripheral vision. She ducked down and squeezed her eyes shut, cursing under her breath. Her hutch was right about this place. It had been too mute, too untouched, and there was no way there weren't walkers here.
Only there were walkers here. They just weren't in the pet store. They just have heard all the noise they were making and crept out of whatever dark hole they were staying in. Son of a bitch. She couldn't move from here, not without alerting them of her presence, and she couldn't call to Maggie and Enid. She'd be putting them at risk, and she didn't want to do that. She would have to regardless, because she couldn't take on five walkers by herself. One by one, yes, but they were in a group. If she went for one, she'd be going for them all. Damn it.
Denise opened her eyes and saw her spear on the floor of the backseat. It wouldn't simplify this job, but it would allow her to kill at a distance. She just had to time it correctly.
––
"She's drinking!" Enid looked up at Maggie. "Finally."
"I think she likes it." Maggie smiled at the little sounds she made. "Or she was really hungry."
"Probably both." She held the puppy closer.
Maggie glanced up at a shadow in the window, and she scrambled onto her feet, staying slow, and Enid watched her. Maggie put a finger to her lips and pulled her knife from its sheath, following the shadow down until they were at the doorway, but it didn't enter. It kept on stumbling, and she noticed a dead walker by the car.
Denise! She peeked out the doorway to find the blonde crouched down by the car, and she counted five walkers. She had to keep Enid inside the store, because she was vulnerable with the puppy in her arms. Denise was pretty much her only backup, and she could see her reaching for something. It might be the spear. It would only fit on the floor of the backseat.
She waved to get her attention, and when she did, she gestured to the four walkers nearing, and she tried to show Denise her plan of them each taking two. She wasn't sure if she got her plan across or not, but they were out of time. The walkers were right on top of them now.
She threw herself at the first one, stabbing it in the head, and she lunged at the other, thrusting her blade through its temple. She looked up as Denise took out the first of her two, and she hurried over to take out the last. She knew Denise was still new to this, and she didn't mind leaning a hand. They were only four of them this time, so it was nothing. At least Denise managed to kill one. Eugene was such a coward in the beginning. She was proud to say that was no longer the case. They still had a long way to go, but baby steps.
"You okay?" Maggie inspected her.
"Yeah, just...a little shaky." She laughed nervously. "I—I'm not used to this sort of thing."
"It takes time to adjust, but you'll get there. You did good."
"Thanks."
A scream sliced through the calm air between the two women, Enid called out for Maggie, and they both darted towards the pet shop. The walker that had gotten by them had looped around to the open back door, and it now was only being held back by Enid's leg as she lay helpless on the floor, trying to protect the puppy and herself.
Maggie grabbed the back of its shirt as Enid kicked it back, and instead of using her knife, she threw it down and bashed its head in. Her bangs fell in her eyes as she stomped once, twice, three times, her boot sliding on the last as its head caved in. She was panting from the adrenaline that coursed through her, and she turned to Enid, helping her stand up. She looked her over.
"Are you okay?" She looked for any cuts then hugged her. "You're okay."
"I couldn't get my knife with the puppy in my arms," she said into Maggie's shirt, unable to move. "It came out of nowhere."
"Yeah, you can say that again." Denise exhaled.
Maggie glanced at the dead walker that could have killed Enid and panted. "Let's go home."
"Lead the way," Enid replied.
– – –
"Do you have any idea how loved you are?" Carol held the elephant above Judith, lying on her side, head propped up by her hand. "Hmm?" She brought it down to shower kisses over her face, and Judith hugged it. "Hey, that's not fair."
She didn't let go.
"Fine. I'll just have to do it myself." She leaned over and smacked a loud kiss to Judith's face, and Judy giggled. She smiled at her, her free hand falling to her stomach. She stroked her thumb over it and released air from her lungs. In however many months she would have own baby lying beside her, new and adjusting to the world outside of its compact womb. She would see the little hairs atop its head, the hue of its eyes catching in the soft morning light, its little smile when it saw her. She could feel a swell of excitement course through her, but there was the tone of darkness, the undertone of what might happen creeping up on that happy little image, and it strangled her. It tightened its long arms around her body and her neck, and she couldn't break its grasp. It froze her.
She watched Judith for a moment, seeing the same shimmer in her eyes as Lori had, and she wondered if her baby would have that. The same as her or as Tobin, and her stomach clenched. All the happy moments she'd had with Sophia—the rare moments of peace between mother and child—wouldn't exist for her and this new baby. There would always be something. An outside threat, walkers, illness, and even herself now. She knew she could pretend. She could play the part very well. She'd fooled the whole of Alexandria, but this was her child. Her blood. This was a piece of herself that would grow into this world and become...whoever the hell they were going to become. They would meet enough fake people, enough lairs and cheats and villains, and she didn't want to be considered one of them. She wanted her child to know her true self behind the dark roots and cruel memories. She wanted him or her to know the woman she'd been after Ed, the woman she was before...
She closed her eyes tightly and envisioned this bed and this scene with her own baby. She could see the pale white skin, bright eyes shining, some random little onesie Rick or Daryl or even Michonne might find and put him or her in. She looked over this small child and saw the same innocence she'd seen in Sophia. She didn't want them to lose that, to loose the ability to believe people could be good, to be stupidly hopeful, but they would need to be aware. They would need to know the risks and be able to analyze any situation and come out of it alive with as many, if not all, of their team. She didn't know how she was going to do this. This little baby would have to learn so much, and she would have to teach them this. How was she going to do this? When Tobin was alive, she knew it'd be trying, but now? By herself? What she was going to do? How taxing was this going to be?
Her brows furrowed as she sought to try and answer those questions, and suddenly there beside the bed, hands overlapped on the soft blanket was Daryl. Blue eyes keenly watching the small life his heart had sworn to protect, his lips forming a smile at the little yawns it'd given, his hand moving to rub the baby's belly. She could hear that gentle chuckle of sheer bliss escape through his lips as his eyes met hers for just a second then returned to marvel at the little life he'd be nurturing and raising in the years to come. He wouldn't be able to take his off eyes of this baby.
The dark arms that held her shrank back at this picture and the joy it brought, her eyes opened to find Daryl bent over, picking up the elephant toy Judith had thrown off the bed, and her eyes locked on to his every movement. She studied him as he sat down on the bed, his words soundless as he spoke, and she sat up.
"Daryl?"
"Yeah?" He turned more toward her.
"Let's have dinner."
He smirked some. "You just had lunch. I get that the kid demands a lot, but you're gonna get a stomachache."
"No, not now. Tomorrow night, just us."
His tongue thickened, and he could only nod.
"I need to talk to you, and it can't wait until you're back from this run."
"All right."
"Thank you."
His eyes narrowed at that, but Carol had already turned her attention back to Judith, and his heart warmed at the sight of them. He couldn't help but picture what it would look like when it was their baby. Er, her baby. They weren't together, and while he would be there, it wasn't...entirely his yet. He knew he could call it that—theirs—but there was still a wall before he could say it and mean it. From both of them, not just him.
––
Late that night and likely early the next morning, Rick plucked Judith out from in between Carol and Daryl and had Denise look her over. They'd only just gotten back, Rick didn't approve of the puppy, but Carl and Enid were taken with it, and he didn't want to be the bad guy. He demanded they train it well, and they both swore up and down they would. He doubted it, but who knows? Maybe they could.
Judith was all right, a bit grouchy, but all right. He was so thankful, and he nearly suffocated her in a hug. Michonne told him to put her to bed, and she told Carl to go home. He was curled up on the couch with Enid and the puppy, and he didn't want to leave the puppy. He sighed and saw Michonne wasn't going to stop pestering him, so he parted ways with the puppy and Enid.
"Maybe now I can get sleep." Michonne stood in the doorway of the clinic.
"Yeah, me too." Maggie walked over to Enid. "C'mon, sweetie, it's late, and we need to get this one to bed."
"I'm not tired," Glenn said around a yawn.
Maggie laughed and kissed him lightly. "I meant the puppy."
"Oh, me too." He cleared his throat and waved to Michonne and Denise. "Good night."
"Night." Michonne watched the family depart and smiled to herself. Alexandria had done one thing for all of them: given them each their own family. Glenn and Maggie were good parents, and Carol and Daryl would do great with the baby. She and Rick...well, they were still new, still learning each other in this new way, and she was interested in how those couples would handle new ground together—and apart.
– – –
Carol, wrapped in a coat and a blanket, walked through town that afternoon, a glaze in her eyes from oversleeping, and she supposed she should be grateful to have overslept, but she was a little grumpy. She had a huge talk to have with Daryl, and she was running out of hours until it was time. She wished she had woken up earlier. She wished she knew what words to say and what to do. She wished so much but it did little good. She had to push through, because it was happening tonight. She would try her best to not leave this unresolved.
"Hey." Eric waved to her from his porch. "Come inside."
"Hmm?" She neared his nevertheless. "Why?"
"Because it's cold, and you're pregnant, and I have hot apple cider."
She chuckled. "Those are all good reasons to come inside."
"I know. Come." He showed her to the living room. "Help yourself to another blanket. I have about ten to myself, but I'm willing to share. You're warming for two."
She sat on the couch. "Where's Aaron?"
"Loading the truck." He said it as though he had a sour taste in his mouth. "For the hospital run, you know?"
"Oh, he's going with them?"
"No. No, he's staying back, taking up extra shifts and all that good stuff." He turned to face her in the doorway to the kitchen. "I just...am worried he'll decide to go. I know it needs to be done, and I'm sure they'll come back, but...I just want some time with him. It feels like it's been so long since we've just been with each other, you know?"
She nodded. "I can understand."
He smirked at her like he knew something she didn't, but he said nothing, only headed into the kitchen to pour her a cup of cider. He returned and sat across from her, studying her for a moment. He smiled and ducked his head. "Sorry to stare."
"It's okay, but...why are you?"
"The pregnancy. I know you're not that far along, but...you've changed so much." He lowered his cup and cradled it between his cold hands. "Physically and I bet mentally too."
"It's a part of the package," was all she said.
"Daryl leads the run come morning," he arched a brow, eyes in the honey liquid, though he saw her shift. "We'll lose contact with that group for days, weeks even. He'll probably miss your next appointment. He'll be so bummed."
"Probably." She muttered it, hoping he took the hint and stopped talking about it, and she brought her cup up to her lips to drink.
"Rick will try and fill in. It won't be the same. You and Daryl... Well, what you have Rick can't sit in for."
"What we have." Carol lowered the cup before taking a drink. "What do we have?"
"I just meant your relationship isn't... There's no room for substitutes. Rick's heart is in the right place, but...it's Daryl you want, right?" He saw her begin to protest, a fiery and rapid correction of a response ready to zip out, so he quickly amended. "He'll be the father once the baby's here, and he's already in that head space. Uncle Rick just makes it weird."
She scrubbed the pad of her thumb across the top of her mug and set her jaw. "Eric, if there's something you want to say, just say it. Don't play games with me."
"Daryl's been good to us, to my...to Aaron, and I'm grateful. I'm sure he's kept him alive more times than Aaron will ever tell me. He'll make a great father to the baby, and the space Tobin left will be filled. We'll make sure the baby knows about him when the time is right. He or she should know about their natural father, but...you and Daryl will be his or her mom and dad. You'll be parents, and that relationship will either strain or strengthen what you already have. I just want you to know you have my support and my friendship, if you want it. I'm here for you and for the baby, with Daryl here and when he leaves."
"He mean so much to you that this baby means that much?"
"Tobin was a good friend too." A somber smile. "I want his child and you to feel safe, and I'm told I'm not threatening, so...my door's always open. As is my collection of teas and cider." He grinned at her kindly. "Now drink. It'll warm you up."
She felt her lips form a small smile, and she once more brought the cup to her lips, the warm liquid slipping through and sliding down her raw throat. She closed her eyes and felt it glide through her, bringing warmth to her icy insides. She inhaled the aroma and for a moment, she was drawn back to a time with her and her baby girl. An apple orchard, laughter, the warm fall sun. It felt more like a dream than an actual memory. One good day out of hundreds of dark ones.
Opening her eyes as Aaron came in, greeted her so softly to her ears that she didn't hear it, she was sure it was simply a dream. A life she could've had. She watched Eric smile widely at the man he loved, a kiss placed to his lips as Aaron headed back out with some spare rope he had left behind, and she drank once more. That light feeling, that happy, happy vision of the auburn-haired young girl with bubbling laughter had gone, and a bitter taste had settled in the back of her throat.
"So, have you made any plans on what to do with the baby?" Eric pulled her back to reality, his eyes bright and elated from the affectionate kiss he'd just received. "Is there enough room in your house for it to have its own room?"
Carol was jolted by the sudden change in topic, and she shrugged a shoulder, unable to reply as she hadn't thought on that. Her thoughts were...scattered, lost in other places.
"I'm sure there will be, with Michonne and Rick now bunking up. If you need help moving or decorating, let me know. I don't have much, not paint or anything, but I have a lot of time on my hands. I can help you with whatever you decide to do with the room, or with yours." He leaned forward. "I have an old sewing machine the original owners had that you can use to make maternity clothes, if we can't find any."
"I hadn't even thought about that." She peeked at him, somewhat embarrassed as he'd put a lot more thought into her pregnancy and child than she had. "Maternity clothes."
"Like I said, I have a lot of time on my hands, and your baby's big news around here." He smiled softly in an attempt to sooth her embarrassment. "I just want to help since my skills aren't needed around here, and Aaron now has Daryl to take scouting with him."
She caught a hint of disdain in the second sentence. "You're not happy with that decision?"
"Not in the way that you might think." He shifted. "I want to be there with him, to look over him and protect him, and...to be there if the worst should occur. I worry less now. Daryl's a good hunter, a tracker, and he trusts his gut. It tends to lead him toward...a safer path. I trust Daryl with Aaron, and vice versa. It'd just... I'd feel better about it if I was there to stop anything bad from happening to him."
She nodded. "I know what you mean, but he'll be fine. Aaron's tough, and he's good at talking people down. He...proved that when he walked right up to us in that barn." As an afterthought she added, "And Daryl wouldn't let anything happen to him."
"I know. He's a good man, and he'll be a good dad." He set his cup down and dropped his hands to his thighs. "I have a question."
She prepared herself. "Ask."
"Are you going to wait until the baby's born or find out its sex whenever you can? I hate calling the baby "it"."
"Oh." She drew her lips inward and released them with a low smack. "I don't know. I—I was going to leave it to Tobin, but...that's not an option anymore." He nodded. "I think...I'll just wait and see. If Harlan asks, I'll...uh, I'll see if I want to know then."
"Do you care what you have?"
She shook her head. "Not really."
"Just happy and healthy, which we're all going to make sure the last is true." He covered up with a blanket. "You and Daryl will have to take care of the first."
"Daryl's good with babies," she pointed out. "He's taken great care of Judith, and I know he'll do well with this baby. He's stepped up, and when he does...he doesn't do it half-heartedly. He's dedicated to this child, and I know he or she will be happy. They'll be proud to have him as a father."
"They will be."
Carol drank from her cup as he began to talk more on the baby and maternity clothes, and she was surprised to find herself enjoying the subject. When he first had brought it up, she wanted to avoid it. She didn't want to think on the life her body was creating, but somehow Eric had made it a pleasant conversation.
––
"We need to make a spot for the puppy." Maggie searched through previously unopened closets in their home. "Maybe build a doggy door for her."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He bent down to search through the blankets on the floor.
"A walker couldn't fit through it, Glenn." She chuckled at him. "And it's not for a while now. She's still too weak, too new, to even lift her head."
"No, but a baby could." He peered up at her, and she gazed curiously down at him. "When we have a baby, it'll be able to squeeze through, and trust me, it'll try."
"Then we'll just have to be careful." She lowered herself down beside him and smiled. "We'll figure it out. You're quite crafty."
He chuckled. "Just when I'm trying to avoid things."
"Trust me, you'll be tryin' to dodge dirty diapers and cryin' fits left and right." She moved aside a set of sheets.
"I won't." He caught her eye, and she set the sheets in her lap. "I'll be there."
She reached over and caressed his cheek. "I know you will be."
"Hey." Enid bolted over to them, moving under Maggie's arm to get into the closet, and they both moved back to give her room. "It is."
"What is?" Glenn glanced at his wife, amusement sparkling in those inky depths.
"This." She pulled out a black case. "It's a guitar."
"Open it." Maggie sat back as Enid tugged on the zipper, revealing a shiny black and white acoustic guitar. "It's beautiful."
"And well kept." Glenn ran his eyes over it. "I wonder who it belongs to."
"Us now." Enid pulled it carefully out of the cloth case and began adjusting it.
"Wait, wait." Maggie shook her head. "You can play?"
"Yeah, my mom taught me when I was ten." She looked from Maggie to Glenn. "You don't know everything about me."
"Clearly." Glenn watched her pluck at the strings then tuned it again. "Do you know any songs?"
"Yeah, a few." She stopped tuning and held the neck in her hand, a veil of sorrow falling over formerly excited features, and they noticed it instantly. "I—I haven't played since before..."
"Enid." Maggie moved hair back from her ear and over her shoulder. "It'll be fine."
She swallowed. "I don't...know that." Tears glossed her eyes. "What if...all I can remember is them? Before? That's worse than their deaths, Maggie. It's all we had, and none of my future involves either of them."
"Hey," Glenn tenderly affirmed, "it might not involve them, but it involves us. We're a family, Enid, and your pain is ours. If you don't want to play or see this again, I'll burn it. But...if you want to try later to remember the good, to honor what your mom taught you, we'll listen to anything you play, even if it stinks."
"Sometimes rememberin' the good...even if it hurt...is worth it." Maggie smoothed down her hair. "It's up to you, sweetie."
Her lips parted, but nothing fell through. She set the guitar down and scurried away, going to her bedroom. Glenn exchanged a look with his wife then collected the guitar and hopped to his feet after her, assuring Maggie with a vague gesture to get back to work on making room for the puppy. She reluctantly did so, watching him until he disappeared inside Enid's bedroom once she'd let him in.
"Look, Enid, it's just a guitar. I know it seems like so much, because of how you learned to play, but it's just...wood and wire and metal." He held it loosely in his hand. "I don't want to push it off on you. It's up to you what you do with it, but...if you can find strength in the memory of your mom teaching you...then keep it. If you think it'll weaken you or—or bring back too many memories that'll only drag you down then we'll get rid of it."
Her eyes moved from his to the guitar and then to rest on the floor, lips still parted as if she had something to say yet nothing came out. She shook her head, a tear falling free.
"Okay. Good choice." He went over to her window to throw it out.
"Wait." She jolted toward him, clasping his sleeve, and his hand was halted in midair. "Wait."
He looked down at her. "You sure?"
She didn't think, simply nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Good choice." He smiled at her, freeing his arm to embrace her, and she smiled a little.
"You supported both," she said against his chest, moving back to analyze him.
"It wasn't my choice," he replied, "it was yours. I'll support you, good choice or not. Personally, I think keeping it was a good idea. I kind of always wanted to learn how to play, but I never had the time or the teacher. Would you mind?"
"Teach you?"
"Yeah. We have some time on our hands these days."
"Okay, but...we might have to learn together, and it might be a while before I...can pick it up."
"Fine with me. I have plans for a couple weeks, so just let me know, all right?"
"All right."
"Thank you." He set it on the end of her bed.
"No," Enid corrected him, "thank you."
He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. "You're welcome."
Maggie held a blanket for the puppy to her chest, leaning against the wall outside Enid's bedroom, smiling at the conversation they'd had, and she pushed off the wall, proud of her husband. She was always proud of Glenn, but this was the first time she was proud of him, not as a leader or her husband or a man, but as a father.
– – –
Rick and the others had gone over to Maggie and Glenn's to spend time with the newest member of the group. Rick was still grouchy about having a newborn puppy in the group, but the kids were so taken with her, even Judith. Michonne was melting away his prickly approach to the pup, and he couldn't ignore how cute she was. She hardly moved, and she mostly stayed in Enid's arms, but she was cute. He knew she'd only get cuter and then it was over. She was stuck with them. They wouldn't be stuck with her, no. She was stuck with them, because she'd be too cute, and they'd love her too much to let her go.
Carol had made a simple dinner, and Daryl had joined her. She was stunned to see him so clean and well-dressed. He wore a long-sleeved navy shirt, his hair combed but still moderately messy, and he smelled like soap, not leather and earth. She couldn't believe he'd cleaned up. For her. She'd been asking him too for weeks when they first moved in, and...there he was now, clean and handsome, for her.
"Here, let me give you a hand." He hopped up to carry the dish to the table, the tease of skin and muscle his slightly rolled up sleeve revealed was more enticing than all of it being revealed, and she inhaled to steel herself. "Looks good. Smells good."
"Thanks." She carried the plates over. "Uh, Daryl, look—"
"Sorry," he interrupted politely, "I know you want to talk, but could we eat first? Or durin'? It's been a long day, preparin' for tomorrow, and we didn't take many breaks. I got real busy with Rosita. She just signed on yesterday, and I had to catch her up. Tara got caught up with medicine last night, and today with Denise."
"Oh, that's fine."
So they sat in silence and ate. Daryl was trying to be polite and not make a mess, but he had missed lunch, busy with his tasks for tomorrow's big run, and he was starving. The last time he scarfed down food, Aaron and Eric laughed at him. He didn't want to do that tonight. He wanted to be presentable. He wanted to be mannerly. He wanted to show her a side of himself that she didn't already know, and he wanted to surprise her before he left. He wanted to tell her, so...he knew she would certainly be surprised. No doubt about that.
Carol watched Daryl go for seconds, her fork dancing over the cucumber on her plate, and she was staring, brows furrowed. She couldn't think of how to start this conversation. It wasn't a rejection, but it wasn't a confession. She didn't know what it was, and that made this...challenging. She didn't know how to do this. She supposed she never really would.
They washed the dishes together, Carol washing as Daryl dried, and she handed him the last plate, nearly dropping it as she did. The last plate meant their conversation would begin, and she wasn't ready for it.
"You all right?" He dried the plate and placed it in the cabinet with the others.
She stared out the window, drying her hands, and she stated very matter-of-fact, "I was awake."
He blinked and turned to her, bewilderment crossing those baby blues then recognition began to dawn on him. Color left his face, he stumbled back and away from her, and only then did she chance looking at him. He was leaning against the corner of the room, a hand in his hair, eyes wide as he shook his head. He looked like he was trying desperately to confirm or deny some...thing.
"I know how you feel about me. I—I couldn't sleep, so I pretended to...make you happy. You were so worried about me. I'm sorry. I just...didn't want to add to your plate." She stepped toward him. "The baby has already put enough stress on you and everyone, and I couldn't..."
"You were awake." He lifted his gaze to hers, and she bobbed her head yes. "You—you were awake?!"
"You can keep saying it. It'll still be true." She spoke in a whisper, as if to keep him from raising his voice any further.
"Fuck." He dragged a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. "Fuck."
"Are you angry?" She wasn't entirely sure what emotion he was hinging on. "Daryl?"
"No!" He pushed off the wall and towards her. "No, I—I ain't mad."
"You have a funny way of showing it."
"Yeah, in my shoes, you would be a little..." He scoffed. "Why didn't you tell me? I—I spent days worryin' about...you findin' out, and you already knew."
"How long have you known?" She instead inquired. "Since the prison? Since we were on the road?"
He groaned. "I dunno."
"You don't know? Daryl, how can you not? Being... Loving me as a friend, and...loving me the way you do aren't the same."
"I don't know that! I mean, I didn't!" he shot back. "It's not like I've ever felt this way before, Carol. I—I just figured out what it was a while back."
"When?"
"That night when you slept alone, when I bunked on the couch. It dawned on me then."
"You've known for that long?"
"Has it really been that long?" He met her eyes and sighed. "I—You're my best friend, and I didn't want to ruin that. I want you in my life, and I wanna be there for the baby. I want to...but I want you too, and it's confusin'. It's real confusin'."
"How is it?"
"Because," there was a sharp whine in his tone that caught her attention. "Because you deserve so much better..."
"Better?" She prodded. "Better than what? You?"
"Maybe," he muttered, shrinking back a bit away from her again. "I don't know."
"That was a quick maybe." She neared him. "Daryl, you're not the terrible person you think you are."
"I'm not someone you could love either."
"I do love you," she retorted.
"But not how I love you."
She couldn't reply, he scoffed, and she closed her eyes briefly before trying again. "I don't know how I feel. Everything is everywhere, and I don't know what I feel, okay? Knowing you...are in love with me is huge, Daryl, and I don't know where to even begin to process how I feel about you and your feelings toward me. Everything is spinning off, and it's too much."
"I can't make it simple for you," he reminded her. "I can't...not know where you're at anymore."
"Can you give me some time?"
"Of course." He locked eyes with her. "I don't want to rush you. I want your genuine feelings, so please...just think it over."
"What if I don't find an answer? Will you wait until I do?"
"I'll wait," he answered, "but eventually...I'm gonna give up. It's...just how it'll go."
"You'd give up?"
"It's different than tryin' to find Sophia, or knowin' you. I wouldn't give up on her, or give up the knowledge I have of exactly who you are, but...this is new to me. Rejection's gonna hurt, and I don't know what I'll do if you wind up feelin' the same, but time's only gonna make me feel worse. I already feel..." He heaved a sigh and stood beside her by the island, arms folded as if to protect himself from whatever came out of her mouth next. "I don't want to, but I don't know what'll happen, to be honest. I might not. I mean, it's you. I think I could wait as long as it takes. Hell, maybe even forever." He whispered that last line to himself.
She jolted at that, the tender love in his eyes, the fervent whisper in his words, and she had to look away. She had no words to reply to what he'd just said, and he could see that. Her heart raced in her ears as he stared at her for a good minute then walked out of the room towards his own, and she closed her eyes. The conversation wasn't over. In fact, it was only just beginning.
– – –
Rays of golden light streamed in through the slightly closed blinds, her small fingers twitching as she inhaled deeply, rousing from a fitful sleep. Her vision was blurry upon her eyelids parting, and she moaned, blinking to try and adjust her vision, and she pushed herself up, swallowing a yawn.
"Hey." It was a gentle sound, a whisper by the door.
She looked over at him and inhaled, turning her eyes back to the window. "Is it today?"
"Yeah." He nodded and remained in the doorway. "We're headin' out soon. I'd give it a minute or two."
She exhaled without a sound.
"It'll be a while," he continued, "so we ain't gonna come back tomorrow or the next day, so you don't gotta keep an eye out."
"Daryl..."
"I'll bring somethin' back," he reassured her, "for the kid. We can...talk some more then. I'd like to."
She couldn't speak through the lump in her throat, but her grasp on the sheets tightened. She couldn't look at him, as he was a figure bathed in light, features hidden by shadows. She didn't want to think of him that way, if he didn't come back. She didn't want this to be the last image. Her mind would show it to her over and over instead of the laughing man on the bus who'd just given her a message, the kind man who had carried her back to shelter, the relentless searcher who tried to find her daughter. The messy hunter who wouldn't take a shower if his life depended on it yet had time to mock her... That was who she wanted to remember. Good or bad, that was the Daryl she always wanted in her heart.
"Be safe."
Nine lives, remember? She pressed her lips together tightly, tears prickling up in her eyes, and she broke her rule. She turned to look at him, but he had already gone. She shuddered and released the blanket to clasp her hand over her mouth.
It was hours before she made it out of her bed that day, weighed down by her emotions and her growing misery. She drew in a long breath, the bowl of soup empty on the nightstand, the cup of tea sat drained beside it, and she pushed herself up. It was silent in the house, and she knew everyone was busy with their jobs. There was no one she could really talk to, but she couldn't stay in bed. She just couldn't sit in here and stare blankly at the wall. It was driving her more insane than she already felt she was. She had answers to find, emotions to piece together, and all she was accomplishing right now within these four walls was riding on the brink of madness.
She sucked in cool afternoon air and ambled through Alexandria. She found herself standing a few feet away from him, arms crossed over her chest, the wind blowing at her blouse and hair, the sun warming her just a tad, and she opened her mouth to speak.
"You've been standing there for ten minutes." He closed the position and turned to face her. "What is it?"
"I'm not sure what to say," she confessed, "it keeps happening to be lately."
"Is that so?" He drew closer to her. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
She inhaled and swallowed. "I think."
"You think?" His brows met. "You're not sure?"
She lowered her arms. "There's no one else."
"That's here right now, you mean."
"Yeah, and maybe...maybe it's not all bullshit."
Morgan smiled and nodded. "I like that sound of that."
"Maybe," she pointedly repeated.
He closed the space between them, staff in hand, and he motioned towards a nearby porch where they could talk. "I'll take a maybe."
