Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.
AN:Thank you for reading and reviewing.
xoxo
Rosalie
Dark Matter
Chapter 5
It was a quiet drive back to Forks. Edward was stony and silent, his face a marbled righteous god, caught in the moment after a tumultuous decision and standing by it. Meanwhile, Bella was caught up in a storm of thought. Her body curled in on herself, as if she could fold the world around her, so that it was just her. All she allowed her self to hear was the blood rushing to her head and and her heartbeat and all she allowed herself to see was the blur outside the window. As the trees flew past, a blur in Bella's off world gaze, further separating Bella from this plane of existence, losing herself in the indistinct shapes that she left untangled in her mind. Then, suddenly, she would glance at Edward again, anchoring her back to earth.
She squeezed herself as far away as possible, as if she could slither into the gap between the seat and the door. "I have many rules." She began and looked at her hands. Edward didn't appear to hear her, a statue with a lead foot, but she knew he was listening intently. "Rules of engagement with vampires. Or," She paused. "More accurately, rules of survival, knowing as I do of the 'vampire condition.' There are certain limits. . ." She eyed her hands again. "One of these rules is not to be in enclosed close quarters alone with a vampire."
Edward turned to her then, and his foot lifted from the gas pedal. "Do you want to go?" As resolute as he was, he understood if she was scared. She had every right to be. She should be. Nothing changed the fact that he was a vampire and that he, or some part of him, wanted her blood. "I can drop you off and have Jessica pick you up."
"I have these rules," Bella continued as if he hadn't said anything, finding her separated world again in the blur outside the window. "Lived by them for so long, protecting myself in doing what I could, but. . . " She took a deep breath, "but knowing deep down, that they wouldn't protect me. I could follow them to the T, do everything right, do everything they asked for-" She broke off. "But in the end, it wouldn't really matter would it? There's nothing I can do, really, that could ever change. . . that could ever actually effect what becomes of me. It's completely out of my hands, but I keep these rules, and I keep believing that if I just do what I'm supposed to, and keep everyone at arms length, then maybe, maybe I actually can have some kind of control over my life." She stopped and leaned her forehead on the window, not knowing why she was saying this anymore. But it felt good to spit the words out and let them unravel from the knot they were tangled in, in her brain. Her forehead, bumped on the window, so she pressed it harder against the vibrations, having it massage her temples. "Even if it's all make believe."
Edward didn't know quite what to say, and he decided-accurately- that this wasn't the time for any response. Instead, he sped up again.
After a moment of letting it settle, Bella unfurled herself from her own cocoon and turned to face Edward, still keeping as much space between them as possible. She wasn't really looking at him, but just sort of seeing his shape against the background of the car's interiors, as she didn't understand how he could fit there.
He had melted out of his stony self and moved much more like an actual person, fluid and alive. He slid a glance at her, carmel eyes in the dark. Softly, he cleared his throat, a humanizing trick he learned from Carlisle. "Well, it looks like we're both breaking our rules."
"Yes." Bella murmured and then turned to face the dark blurring world from the window again. They didn't talk again for the rest of the journey back.
When Edward pulled into her driveway, she wordlessly unbuckled, unlocked the door and stepped out. Though, she kept her hand on the door, and paused before shutting it behind her. She seemed to be struggling with something, a question she was having a hard time getting the words to.
Edward intervened. "Would you like to be alone tonight?"
Bella's face furrowed. She honestly didn't know the answer. She was split down the middle, having a pro con list for each one, wanting a night of privacy to her thoughts, while also not wanting to be alone with them. Edward waited for an answer that didn't come. He couldn't read her mind, but he knew she couldn't tell him either way.
"Perhaps it's best if I just just see you at school tomorrow." Edward added, and there was a moment of panic in Bella's eyes, before she calmed them down, guarding herself once more in professionalism. And then, to his dismay, she nodded in agreement.
"Perhaps it is for the best." She slammed the door behind her.
Both felt hurt and both didn't want to know why.
Edward sped towards home. Before he went inside, he dove feet first into the babbling stream in their backyard. He submerged himself for a few minutes, stewing.
"Good gracious, Edward Anthony Masen." Esme gasped. She only used his full real name when she was personally hurt, and only said it aloud, when she needed his full and upright attention. Edward paused at the bottom of the stairs and reluctantly turned to face her, like a teen caught in the wrong, but trying to play it off.
"What do you think you're doing?" Esme's perfectly soft face was raised in alarm. "You're dripping all over the carpet. Was it you that stain it the other evening as well? What is wrong with you?" Edward turned to see the the muddy tracks that trailed behind him on the pristine white carpet. The house was her pride and joy. Edward was currently sabotaging it.
"Oh. I'm sorry, Esme. I'll clean it up." Edward's face fell. He didn't like disappointing his parents. If this was how she reacted to the carpets. . . how much more disappointed would they be in if they found out where he's been going and what he's been doing.
Esme stepped towards him, her household fury calmed down to warm embers. "Is everything okay, Edward?"
"Yup." He answered quickly, then turned and stalked up the stairs. "I'll dry off and then clean it up." He swung into his room then chucked off all his clothes into the corner by the window, effortlessly moving towards the connected bathroom. He stood in the shower for a long time, just staring at himself in the mirror. It had been nearly a decade or two since he had looked at himself, properly looked at himself. He avoided mirrors, not because as the myths rang, he couldn't see his reflection, but because he didn't like his reflection. It was just a reminder of who he was now.
What did Bella call him? A monster. That's the word. Monster. He turned side to side. Seeing his pale, young, trim and angular body shimmer under the warm lights. Monster. He looked at his eyes, seeing the inhuman color, the color of abstinence, the color of weak dirt. He felt his stomach churn. Monster. He turned his back to the mirror and glanced over his shoulder, flexing his back muscles. Seeing the skin tightened across his shoulder blades and the curves along muscles that were inhumanely possible, unnecessary and freakish. Monster. He gripped his hair in his hands. They hadn't grown since he was bitten. He thought of all the styles he's had to shape them into, to fit in with the modern teenager over 100 years. Monster.
Yes. He was a monster. This was true and something he didn't need a reminder of. "I know what monsters are." Edward cringed. Whatever she's witnessed or been through, whatever she thinks he is. . . he can't be.
He stared at himself again, trying to see the human that he used to be. Trying to see past this cold unyielding body. Trying and failing.
He's worked too hard to just be another monster. His more than just this. He has to be. He's different. He's better. He's. . .
Edward sank to his knees.
"Saddie, be a dear and fetch a cab for me." Heidi pulled on her gloves and sunglasses as she walked to the reception room.
"Yes, ma'am. Right away." Sandra adjusted her name tag and cleared her throat, as a polite correction. Heidi knew her name. But Heidi, who was in charge of roping in meals for the rest of the company here, enjoyed it when she could play with her food every now and then. There was no game in it for the rest of them. No hunting and hunted. She just provided the Volturi with fresh blood and they picked them off like grapes from the hands of the servant standing behind them. In that way, she was the ultimate hunter. Sure, Demi could track. But she was responsible for feeding the masses with masses. She fancied herself like Jesus, feeding everyone with a loaf of bread. They all had their uses here. Sometimes Heidi would play a vicious game of who was more important to the heads. She was definitely the most active member of the Volturi. Discreetly shuffling in humans to the city where they would never return, and keeping a low profile, in ordinance with Volturi standards, was a lot of work. She relied heavily on her aides.
But that didn't mean she didn't like to have fun with them from time to time. Some were more fun than others. Veronica. . . Heidi sighed, and a smile crept up her face. Veronica nearly got her request. That one was so bold. So outright. So warm. There was something wonderfully exquisite with the heat of a human. And equally exquisite was the way the warmth of her blood trickled down Heidi's cheek. She liked humans for what they gave her, companionship for when she was lonely, and blood for when she was thirsty. A job and a high rank within the most safest and well regarded establishment in her community. Yes, humans were very good to Heidi. Humans adored Heidi.
Except. . . Bella. The only human Heidi couldn't enchant. Of course, in Bella's presence, she didn't mind. Heidi found herself, like the wives. . . enamored by her. She watched her being whisked away in the middle of the night. Aro, Marcus and Caius had been arguing quietly together for weeks. And then there was silence. And then Bella was gone.
But now, Bella wasn't around and she wasn't enchanted with her. Heidi was glad. She supported the decision made by Aro and defended it when there were whispers through the halls. Bella was live wire. She was dangerous. A disruption from order. And because of her defense of the decision. . . Aro trusted her more than ever. Which is why she couldn't face him until she stopped Chelsea from getting that laptop.
Mike and Jessica both seemed to be pleased that the Cullens had been keeping to themselves again. Their jealousy was all tied up into angry vines, they couldn't see Bella clearly through. But today was a normal day. Jessica's father kissed her mother on the way out, which either meant they were fighting or had sex the night before. Yuck. She shook her head, hoping it was just the fight, but the mental image was already doing damage, and she plugged all the holes in the gross visual department with her inner favorites, mostly involving Edward. Out of habit, for some reason, she always thought that. . . somehow he knew she was. . . it was silly, and she was probably just paranoid, but still Jessica turned to check the Cullens table. But Edward wasn't there.
"I guess Edward is taking a leave of absence again." Jessica turned to the group at lunch as if she had hot gossip. She was used to Bella ignoring her, but her head whipped up and then over to the table, needing to see for herself. "I heard there was an issue with custody." She whispered conspiratorially. "That he has to go back to his birth parents house every few months to live out some. . . mandate or. . . something." Jessica made up on the spot, liking the attention people gave her and not wanting to lose them when they realized that's all she had to offer.
Bella stood up and turned towards the Cullen's. Something indecipherable washed across her face.
Alice gracefully turned towards her. Then Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice and turned her away.
In biology, Bella sat in her normal seat, in her normal class at the normal hour, but she wasn't really there. Her worlds kept evolving and changing and she wasn't sure what was up or down anymore. Her arms gripped her chest, pressing tightly, as if, if she squeezed herself hard enough, she could keep herself together and not expand out, drifting into a universe that was a cold stranger to her. Why was this happening? She was never. She had never felt so removed. So dislocated before.
And then a familiar ringing in her ears. A pinging in her head. And suddenly, she wasn't in the classroom anymore. She was looking at a dark brick wall. Smog drifted in and loud ringing was all around her. Feet everywhere. Smells of dirt, and food, and black oil.
"Ms. Swan?" The biology teacher asked tersely.
"What?" Bella sat up straight. The ringing in her ears hadn't stopped.
"I asked you a question." He tapped his foot impolitely, waiting. There were soft giggles around her.
This would have been a normal kids nightmare. But Bella had nightmares far worse than this.
"I'm sorry. I have to go." Bella stood up, she grabbed her things and as the teacher called after her that she couldn't leave without permission, the door slammed behind her.
She sat in her car until her head cleared up. They were looking for her. She didn't know if this was bad or good. She never knew. It was always bad and good. It was always both. As the kids went to the last class of the day, she peeled out of the parking lot and headed back to Charlie's house. Was she safe here? Was it worse to go or stay? Should she wait? Should she do anything? If only there was a sign.
She stomped up the stairs and threw her back pack across the room. It landed by the bookshelf, dislodging everything. The real issue. . . was this awful feeling of being empty, of a stab in her heart, that had no right to be there. A tear escaped her eyes. She knew this might happen if she let him in. . . she thought she could hold him at a distance. . . and that she was . . . god she was an idiot.
No. She realized. Whatever happens now. She can never see Marcus again. He'll know. He'll know and its the worst thing in the world for him to know. This is what she had always been afraid of. What she had been so desperate to prove time and time again. Her allegiance. Her loyalty, and then some dumb vampire who drives a dumb shiny silver volvo. . . No.
She collapsed by the foot of her bed and a huge sob wretched out of her. It was good that he was gone. She told herself. If he was smart, he would forget about her. . . if he was smart he would never come back. A larger sob heaved in her chest and bucked her forward. Always good and bad. Always both.
The milky white cloudy sky started to dim and soon Bella was lying on the floor with her hands wrapped around her knees in darkness. That's when she noticed a flashing on the old desktop. Dried out and weary, Bella got up and clicked on the notification.
EMAIL (1/10)
BELLA. IT IS SULLY AND ATHENA. WE FOUND THE SMALL PORTABLE COMPUTATION DEVICE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS DAY?
EMAIL (2/10)
DID YOU RECEIVE THE DIGITAL PORTRAIT?
EMAIL (3/10)
DEMI SAID IT WAS NOT ATTACHED.
EMAIL (4/10)
I found a button that calms the letters down. I will send the attachment.
EMAIL (5/10)
I am sorry. It still did not attach. I do not like this.
EMAIL (6/10)
[1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
EMAIL (7/10)
DID YOU GET IT? [ 1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
EMAIL (8/10)
This is all just the same photo. I have made duplicates of them. Just in case. I did it on purpose.
[1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
[1 attachment]
Bella wiped a lingering tear. And then laughed. A hearty laugh that warmed her chest.
EMAIL (9/10)
This is Athena. Sully is not good with this at all.
EMAIL (10/10)
Hey, Bella Bella. It's Felix.
They want more of these.
Bella opened up each and every attachment. It was the same photo. Over and over again. And soon her entire screen was full of the same photo, overlapping each other, highlighting different portions.
In the left hand corner Sully's long dark hair unraveled from a green fluffy pointed hat. Athenadora's blond hair was wrapped to the side in a long pony tail. She too was wearing a green hat. Marcus was in the center. Instead of his normal black Volturi robes, he was wearing a red suit. His face was as sullen as ever, but even in this photo, his lips were pulled oddly in the corner, as if he were trying to remember how to smile. Perched on his lap, covered in torn red and green wrapping paper. A 5 year old Bella. Her face was flush, cheeks puffy. Hair pulled up taught. In her fist was a toy she was trying to hand to Aro, who was crouched in front of Sully. His face was open wide with a happy amazed smile, and his hands outstretched, having just given Bella the toy.
Everyone was happy. Even Caius, who had taken awhile to warm up to her. . . His hands were wrapped around Athena and his head leaned against her shoulder.
They all looked so content. Little Bella looked mostly oblivious, but deliriously happy. Christmas morning. It was her first Christmas with them. Before she knew what they were. She only knew them as. . . as family. Nothing more. Nothing complicated. Just family. Just. . . happy.
She touched each and every one of their faces. Lingering on Marcus. She cleared her thoughts, shaking her head tightly then hit reply.
EMAIL REPLY
Dear Sully and Athena (hi Felix). I don't really remember this day from my perspective. I just remember the feeling in it. Hold on just a second. - Bella
Bella got to her feet and bolted down the stairs. Her hands rifled along the bookshelves, not sure exactly what she was looking for but she knew she would find it here. In the house where the man who lives here, lives in the past completely.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Edward stared up at the moon. The blooming flowers in the meadow looked sad under their light, different than in the fullness of the day. He had been wrestling all day and night, not moving or breathing for at least 12 hours. He kept seeing her face. Sweat dripping off of it. Panicking over an imaginary scenario. He had. . . ultimately, disobeyed what his agreement that he wouldn't come by that evening after she was attacked. . . she attacked. He only stayed a second. It took every ounce of him to leave her there. He knew that he could step in, and take it away. Turn the wrinkles in her forehead smooth, soften her lips, ease her fear. But he decided. . . he shouldn't. She should be scared of him. And she was becoming dependent on his presence. He too was becoming. . . dependent on hers. A dangerous game.
But then Alice called him while he was wallowing in the meadow. She said the four words they all had been dreading, though no one ever talked about it's posibility. Alice called him and said "I can't see anything."
It had to be her. It had to be Bella. Something in her timeline was changing, changing in a way. . . so monstrous. . . that even Alice's gift couldn't hold it. He paused outside of the house. Maybe it was his decision to stay away. Or maybe it was the realization that he could never stay away. . .
And then his heart, his cold unbeating heart, sank lower to the pit of his stomach. It was 1am and Bella wasn't in her room. Quicker than a blink, Edward had climbed into her room. She had been here recently. He could hear Charlie snoring in the room across the hallway, his dreams were foggy stillness.
He follwed her scent down the stairs to the living room. Bella was curled up on the couch. Baby pictures surrounded her, plucked from the white picture book on the coffee table and the several frames that lay empty beside it. She turned to look at him. She wiped her nose, trying to hide the tears in the corner of her eyes.
"Oh hey." She greeted.
"Hi." Edward breathed. "I'm sorry. I thought you were. . . gone."
Bella shook her head and she patted the spot beside her. "I'm sorry about the other night. I shouldn't have. . . I'm sorry. I was-"
"You're only human."
Bella barked a dark low laugh. "Yeah."
"So." Edward gestured to the pictures around her. "Getting into scrapbooking?" Bella paused and tilted her head, eyeing the laptop on the coffee table and then back to Edward. "You don't have to-. I wasn't trying to-"
Bella handed him a photo that had been laying face down on her computer. A hastily printed off photo on regular 8 by 10 computer stock. The ink was barely dry.
"I was five years old in that picture." Bella commented. Edward held his expression very carefully. Why was she showing this to him? He had seen these people only ever in Carlisle's mind. . . how odd to see them. . . in a photograph. His gut twisted. A pink plump child in the lap of the most dangerous people in the whole world. It was. . . bizarre. "It wasn't really Christmas in that picture. I was sick on the 25th. Had some kind of infection or something. It finally cleared up after a week and . . . so we celebrated then."
Edward wasn't sure what his reaction should be, so he didn't say anything. Instead, he sat down where she indicated he could and just listened.
She pulled up the older photos when she was much younger, wrapped and swaddled. Her mother, Renne holding her or Charlie trying to fit her on his forearm. Bella traced a finger on the picture of Renee. "She wanted me to know my ancestral roots. She didn't really care that I was too young to really remember anything. But I was absorbing everything so quickly and learning so fast. And she had just gotten divorced from Charlie so we traveled to Europe. I remember she was begging to be let in to some scheduled tour. They said I was too young, but she insisted." Bella scrunched her face up, trying to remember. "I remember walking down those hallways."
Edward gasped when he realized what she was explaining.
"I remember being led into a large room. And my mom squeezing my hand." She took a deep breath. "I don't remember much else." She shifted on the couch. "I was crying and I was in someone's arms. I remember how cold they were. I remember. . . Screaming." Bella shook her head. "But, I was so dissociated from it. It didn't mean anything to me. I didn't know what happened."
"I'm sorry." Edward blurted out.
Bella laughed, looking at him from slitted eyes and then shrugged. "Not your fault. And like I said. I was young and my memories of it are. . . not emotional."
"But your mom." Edward winced, staring at the face that was mirror of Bella's, but older, more reckless, more tan and weathered, but just a few more years older than the Bella in front of him now.
"Parents are the ones that raise you." Bella muttered.
"So who raised you?" Edward cocked his eyebrow, wondering how far he could go into her past. How far she would let him. She was being so vulnerable now. So open. So exposed.
"That's not the question you really want to know." Bella smiled. "You want to know why. You want to know why they spared me and you want to know why I'm telling you this now."
"How did you know that?" Edward mirrored her smile politely.
"I know a lot of things I shouldn't." Bella's eyes widened. "It's because of what I did in the room where I should have died." She touched the Christmas in Volterra photo again. "And I don't know what it was." Her heart rate increased. "I don't remember. But I think I'm starting to understand now. I'm not normal." Bella's face scrunched up tightly. "I don't belong anywhere."
"Bella." Edward said her name comfortingly.
"I'm sorry, Edward." A small tear escaped the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry. I was using you. You helped me. But I don't want to be like them. They just use people up until they're done with them. They only want someone if they can control them. I don't want that with you." She bit her lip. "You deserve more. You deserve better. I'm sorry."
Carefully, Edward reached his hand out and folded it over Bella's fingers. Her shoulder's relaxed and she gazed at his hand on hers, a parade of varying emotions on her face that of course Edward could only just interpret enough to know that he could keep his hand there.
"You were a pretty ugly baby." Edward grinned.
AN:
First. What do you think of this chapter?
Thank you so so so much for reading. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING.
XO XO
- Rosalie
/ rosaliemchale
