The both of us just turned the volume up on an old school Disney channel movie—the one about mermaids. It was still at the beginning when the main character's birthday was starting.
This moment was a waiting game. I watched the time on the cable box go by more than the actual movie. Why am I anxious? This is something between Rachel and Chloe!
"You know what, you go change," Rachel directed, "I have a bad feeling about this."
I didn't protest. I changed into my comfy pajama shirt and shorts and got the couch ready for me to sleep on. In that time, Rachel was helping, yet was also slightly nervous-looking. She sat down again on top of my blanket, letting out a sigh as she took her shoes off.
"Why do you have a bad feeling? Do you know what she's gonna do?"
"I just know. She's gonna do something, I swear!"
I took her word for it, feeling nervous for her.
It wasn't until a quarter into the movie we heard the door unlocking. Rachel was alarmed and watched the door's lock jiggle around. I was only worried if Chloe couldn't open it. I gulped, feeling scared for nearly no reason. It looks like something important. She's so anxious to get inside, she can't open the door.
The door swung open, hitting the wall, and Chloe marched in, shutting it, placing her keys in her back pocket, and then finally taking her jacket off.
"Chloe, you're back so soon, what brings you here?" Rachel acted like she never saw the texts. She stood up, putting her jacket back on and covering her torso. Suddenly, Chloe dropped her jacket to the floor and went up to her, abruptly grabbing from the waist and lifting her off the ground. Rachel let out a squeak, and then wrapped her arms and legs around her to hold on. Something told me they've done this before.
Chloe stayed silent as she proceeded to go into the bedroom.
"Max, don't come in!" Rachel yelled. After that, the door closed. I only snickered to myself before I raised the volume up again. I became too comfortable in bed, so I decided to brush my teeth and went to sleep.
Yet, I couldn't. I was unable to sleep, not because of them or the TV, but there was this nagging feel hitting me against my side, like it was trying to tell me something. It was so annoying and I flipped around on the couch about ten times. I sat up, sitting crisscross and rubbing my eyes until I saw colors. What is it? I wasn't jealous of them; I'm perfectly fine, I think. Is it subconscious? Is my brain kicking itself because its human couldn't talk to a girl she liked? Was I secretly hating myself? It has been a while since I liked someone so much I could barely look at her. Damn it, I should have asked for Kate's number before I ran off. I couldn't help but think that she hung out with me just so I didn't give myself a concussion.
This fucking sucks.
I rested my arms on my lap, slouched over and staring down at the floor, trying to get the feeling away from me. There was something wrong or something wrong close by.
It couldn't just be her. Sure, I was a gay wreck, but I was managing! I was pushing myself too hard. There was something else that wanted my attention.
It was fair to say I got no sleep that night. Before I knew it, it was nine AM and I was still in the same position, thinking the same thoughts. The bedroom door opened, prompting me to turn my head towards it.
Rachel stumbled out, limping and disheveled looking, almost hitting into the dining table and chair on the way.
"Good... morning?" I wasn't sure if it was a "good" morning for her either. It was a slow reaction, but she looked at me and then smiled, weak yet genuine.
"Morning, Max." She approached me and fell into the seat next to me. "It's a hella good morning."
"Was it now?"
"I experienced something insane last night. Holy shit, I've never seen Chloe like that, you know what I mean? We fucked, but last night we fucked. She fucked me up and... I'm never leaving, ever again."
"Maybe you should dress in expensive clothes more often?"
"Oh yeah," for a small second, her eyes rolled back. "Anyway, what about you? Did you sleep good?"
"I couldn't," I shook my head, scratching my head, "Not because of you, I was up all night."
"Are you okay?"
I could just lie. It's the only night for this to have happen, so it's not that important!
"Yeah, I still feel fucked up about that stupid test from class. I still can't believe I fucked up that badly." Even as I was saying it, the feeling persisted and it bothered me in the back of my mind. From her face, she was half-convinced and half-worried about me.
"Max, you're fine!" She grabbed me into a hug, forcing my head into her chest. "Tests are hella stupid and if you think you're dumb for that test, you're not. Are you sure it's just the test you're upset about?"
I nodded. There's talking to Kate, going outside, talking to people in general—I'm upset about a lot of things. The test was the last thing on my mind.
"You should sleep right now then. You know, staying up all night could fuck you up."
"I'm used to it!" I tried to get out of her grip, but she pressed my cheek into her chest even more. It went from comfortable to weird in one action.
"Nope, you're not drinking a gallon of coffee to wake up. You're gonna sleep for real and you're not gonna change my mind."
I groaned, as loudly and as obnoxiously as I could to annoy her, but I knew she was serious when she laid down and kept me in her hold. I gave up, forcing my eyes shut.
"Does her anxiety seem more... severe?"
The question barely registered in my mind. It was close to going through one ear and out the other, like useless or unimportant information. Rachel sounded upset, but I was unsure how to react as she petted and stroked my hair like I was a cat. Stay still... act like you're still asleep.
"She's still Max to me. I dunno, why?"
"She was sad earlier. She said it was about the test, but I know that has nothing to do with it. I could tell when someone is lying from miles away and she was. I would hate for her to hide things from me. Or, from us, even."
"Oh," A hint of worry and a pause came over Chloe's voice, "Shit, I dunno how to deal with that kind of stuff!"
"We talk to her, first of all..."
"We're gonna talk about our feelings? Like, for real?"
Rachel just sighed in reply. Just keep pretending to sleep. It's nice to know that Rachel cares enough. Chloe was trying too, though we both showed our emotions differently, it was weird for her.
"Hey, Max?" Rachel shook me around to wake me up. I acted—poorly but acted—like I woke up in that moment, yawning and fluttering my eyes open. "We need to talk."
We sat up and I was stuck in the middle of them. "How are you?" Rachel asked, landing her hand on my knee. "In terms of like, your mental health."
It's slowly getting worse and it's slightly dictating my life, thanks for asking. I couldn't believe I got through a whole year of art school already. To be honest, about only half my brain worked, and only more of it would shut down when I was talking to someone. It was bad enough having to speak up during class, but when having to speak to Kate, the feeling was so different. People felt nervousness or butterflies, it was a normal thing to feel, but I felt a hundred times that, maybe a million. I pretended to be okay, that was how I dealt with it. It hurts a lot. I tell myself I'm normal, Chloe and Rachel tell me I'm still Max, and all that stuff about how I'm not my mental illness.
"You can tell us, you know that, Max."
"Yeah, CarMax, what she said." Chloe pulled me into a side hug, wrapping her arm around my neck. She's trying, but she's choking me. I pushed her arm off, but she kept touching me.
"It's... there, I guess." I made out, but I gripped Chloe's hand the more I said something.
"Okay, what does that mean? Is it getting worse? Better? The same? Is something making it worse?"
Worse, I think. Because I'm not paying attention to it. "The same."
"Is it Kate?"
I stared down at my feet, my mouth drying up immediately. Feelings are confusing. I'm supposed to like the feeling of like her, right? You're supposed to like it! "Maybe? I-I don't know, everything feels the same now."
"You're going to be okay, dude!" Rachel hugged me too, landing her head on my shoulder, "Feelings are hella crazy and weird, but they're great! Maybe they mix together and become some big fucking mess, but it's good! Is that it? Maybe... the phone number?"
"What phone number?" Chloe's grip tightened, enough to crack one of my fingers. She muttered, "Shit, sorry."
"She mentioned a number recently and how it might be her ex boyfriend or some creep, but she hasn't blocked it."
"That geeky guy?" She sneered, flicking her head in disgust, "Why did you like him anyway?"
What a loaded question.
"That's not the point. This is about Max right now."
"Right, sorry."
"We need to go out today. Something to help get things off Max's chest."
Isn't that what we did yesterday? Isn't that what the shopping was about?
"Where? My idea's going to a hill and fucking scream... there aren't any hills here."
"Well, what do you think a good place for us to go that screams "Max?'" Why are they talking like I'm not in the room? What the hell are they planning?
They smiled at each other, devious and had a plan brewing in their minds, then smiled at me.
"Did you really have to blindfold me?" All I knew was we were in Chloe's car and I was stuffed into the back again. It had to look like they kidnapped me! It's the middle of the day, I'm wearing Rachel's scarf over my eyes, I could feel us stopping and speeding... It feels so wrong.
"It's a surprise." I could practically hear her smile. "You'll love it. Come on, going out, it's a nice day, not giving a fuck—"
"—being blindfolded, in a rundown, garbage car." I finished her sentence. "... No offense, Chloe."
"None taken, but fuck you."
"Anyway," Rachel stretched out way to waaaaayy, "We're taking you out again, maybe hop around again like before! You liked doing that with me."
"That fucking sucked, Rache."
"Chloe, shut your mouth."
I crossed my arms and pressed my back into my seat. I tried to picture the road: lots of cars, lots of stoplights, steep hills for roads. I couldn't remember all of San Francisco, but I had a vague idea. I could picture what the front seats looked like: Chloe driving with one hand while her other gripped Rachel's. Hell, I could barely remember all of her tattoos. Chloe seems okay. Maybe a little irritable because she's going cold turkey. Did Rachel want to do this to stop her from even trying? Am I irritable too? Anxiety could do that, sometimes. It's unbearable; Just talk to Kate! You know, like a person?
"We're here!" Rachel cheered as I felt the car come to an abrupt stop. I heard the door open, shut, and then mine open. I was hit by heat from the sun and felt Rachel's hands pull my head to untie the scarf.
I was blinded by the sudden light in my eyes. I squinted, blinked, and became disoriented in a matter of seconds. Let there be light, but holy shit.
"Here we are!" Rachel's hands directed to the building we were parked in front of—a frozen yogurt parlor. It was pink and blue and it proudly displayed how it was self-serving.
"Frozen yogurt?"
"Nothing like stuffing a cup full of yogurt and toppings to forget those feelings." I could tell Rachel wasn't familiar with eating feelings away, judging how forced her voice sounded. I mouthed, "right," and we all walked into the parlor.
The place was cold, enough to see our breath as smoke, giving all of us goosebumps. It was a quick interaction between Rachel and some of the employee, so we weren't inside very long. Like Rachel said, we stuffed our cups (along with a few inappropriate jokes from Chloe about stuffing), about three to four flavors, and sat outside to eat under the pink and blue umbrellas.
I averted my eyes away from Chloe as she seductively licked her spoon in Rachel's direction. And in turn, she returned the gesture. I am... not okay with this. Then again, I thought about Kate while I was there. I remembered she said she liked sweet and I was willing to bet she has been here before. The thought made me feel better, allowing me to eat. But if she has never been here before, I want to take her first.
"Is this the only place we're going?"
"Nope, we have plenty of places left."
Places for me or places for you two to have a date? I feel like somewhere deep in their plans, they wanted me to third wheel. That's probably not on their mind at all, but... what if.
I was relieved we never went shopping again. It was helping me to believe they really intended to make me feel better. It was more travelling, blindfolded again because why not. The last place took a while to get to, at least that was what I thought, I nearly fell asleep.
"Okay, we're here!" I was jolted awake by Rachel's voice, feeling a rough stop and hearing the doors fling open. When my blindfold was taken off, I was expecting to be blinded by sunlight again. Instead, it was already nighttime, right next to my school.
"I thought this was to help me relax."
"We're not here for your school, you dummy." Rachel shut the car door for me. "We're here to help inspire you."
Looking around, the streetlights were lighting the way, the inside of buildings were showing through the windows to reveal thriving businesses, there were cars still filling the street, and people were still outside. It was still Sunday night, so everyone was still out and about.
"Inspire?"
"Yeah, little photographer!" She reached over and ruffled with my hair. "What's better than nighttime? Kind of edgy, yet mysterious, even with a lot of people here, huh?"
I thought about it and, to be honest, she was right. I never go outside so late. I'm so forgetful about homework. I still inside a lot, but being here was nice for once. On top of that, I had Rachel Amber, one of the top models in pretty much the whole world (if not, the top), as a model. I took my camera out, feeling a surge of motivation I needed.
For an artsy touch for all the strangers, the pictures were made blurry and out of focus on purpose, for more "mystery" and to not piss anyone off. I only took pictures of the back of people; I'd hate to start a fight for a photo. As for Rachel, of course, she posed and used her surroundings to create an alluring shot. Chloe tried her best to pose and play along, but she was stiff and was having a hard time looking natural.
I was so immersed into taking these photos, my back ended up bumping into another stranger.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry—"
My breath caught in my throat. I wasn't expecting anything or anyone in particular. All warmth left my face, eye stuck wide, mouth stuck hanging, and my heart went a million a minute. I was stuck, like I looked into the eyes of Medusa.
"Max?" I heard him say. Emotion and memory were hitting me all at once. I felt anxious, angry, sad, mixing together in my stomach. Flashes of black and white around me, wanting to show me memories. No... no, I don't want to remember. I can't. I shouldn't... This is stupid. Say something. No, don't. It hurts so bad.
"Max! Hey, it's me, Warren, remember? Hey, are you okay?" The figure in front of me was blurring, features and details were disappearing. His voice became distorted in my mind. Stupid! Max, you're stupid! If you hadn't called him that day, you wouldn't feel like this!
"Hey fucker, get away from her!" Arms grabbed me, shaking me around. Colors moved in front of my eyes, my feet and hands felt like a million pins were poking into me; my knees were falling weak.
"Max?! Max!"
