It was the day we leave for our trip to Long Beach: Saturday. We were leaving when it was nighttime, so that meant I had a lot of time on my hands. For every hour of the morning, I had to convince myself: You can do it, Max. Just talk to him. This is good for you. My hands couldn't stop shaking and the persistent thoughts of stop, stop, stop, don't, don't, don't wanted to control me. I had to stay on a phone call with Kate for hours to keep me in check for the whole day. She wasn't busy, but I still felt bad I had to keep her on the phone. As always, she replies with, "It's fine."
I ended up calling the random number, hoping for the best. I hated making phone calls already.
"Hello?" That was his voice.
"Oh, so this number is yours after all." My tone made me sound like a mean ass bitch, unintentionally.
"Max? Hey! What's been happening?" Again, he had a stupid happy tone. I couldn't be happy about anything!
"Nothing, but uh, I just called to ask if I could talk to you in person later today. It's important."
"Oh—uh, yeah! Sure, in front of the school?"
"Perfect. At one."
I hung up, releasing a heavy breath I was holding. I was alone. Chloe was working and Rachel said she "just wanted to go out." I had an impulsive reaction: pull my clothes on and run out. Go see Kate. I rushed out, taking the stairs five floors and rushing to the nearest bus.
I couldn't think until I was at Kate's apartment door; my fist was an inch away from connecting. Next thing I knew, her roommate might open it and hate me. Instead, I knocked lightly three times and waited. I realized how stupid running and taking a bus all the way to her apartment was, but I felt like I was making a million stupid decisions.
"Max?" Kate answered, a shocked expression on her face. "Are you alright?"
"Y-yeah, I just…" It was a stupid decision. "I just wanted to see you."
She smiled warmly, "That's sweet of you. You're always welcomed here."
"I was afraid your roommate was gonna show up."
"She's not here, you're fine." She brought me inside, "However, I have a feeling you're here for another reason."
"Why'd you say that?"
"Just a feeling." She shrugged her shoulders. "You can be honest with me, Max."
"You catch on pretty quick." I forced a laugh and rubbed the back of my neck. "Yeah… I'm freaking out a lot right now."
"It must be hard talking to an ex after so long." She guided me to the couch, helping me sit down. "You're brave for doing this."
"You think so?"
"Absolutely." She reached over and placed her hand on my shoulder. "I think you're incredible for doing this. You're strong, Max."
I chuckled, wanting to believe it, but it was so hard to do. "You're so nice, you know? Even when you talked about your roommate not talking to you for a year, you still wanted to be her friend."
"She reminded me of a cat," she giggled, "I left her alone and she became closer to me on her own. But, everyone tells me I'm nice, like no one else in the world is."
"Not as nice as you."
Kate and I ended up sitting there, talking about what was going to happen at one o'clock, while she was boosting my ego again with her compliments. She really was too nice, but to me, it only seemed to be a Kate thing.
Before I knew it, I had to leave. It felt way too soon; It was like I was there for one minute. Kate had to drag me off her couch, pulling me by the hands. "You can do it, Max. I know you can."
Even with her smile directed at me, my body was refusing. I was so against it, I was resisting, like playing tug of war with my arms. She wasn't (and will never, ever) giving up on me, so she kept a tight grip as she spoke gently and encouraging me.
I didn't want to be stubborn, yet I wanted to be and I couldn't stop it. To anyone else, I was annoying. I was annoying myself too!
"Max…" Her hands move to my face, holding me to keep eye contact. "Look at me."
"I'm looking." I blinked once, stunned at what was happening.
"You're one of the bravest people I know. I know you'll be okay, I can feel it."
Maybe she's just saying that to make me feel better. I can't be brave. I'm not brave!
"I-I dunno—"
"Max Caulfield."
"Kate Marsh."
"I can go with you, okay? You don't have to travel alone."
She let me go, waiting for my reply. Did I? I feel so weak not being able to go alone. If I can't even go alone, why go at all? I can just back out! I don't have to! I don't have to—
She was still standing, waiting. I didn't notice before, but she held my hand, barely a grip. "Where are you meeting him?"
Kate and I walked to the school. I couldn't walk away this time. I knew I had to do this, but at the same time, I didn't want to try. It was the same thought process I have for most things: presentations, going outside, talking to people… talking to Kate. Still now, I felt weird talking to her. Not in a bad way, but she was too good for me and I was… never good to begin with.
Yet, some bullshit about fate and destiny brought us together. There hasn't been a time where I thought she was unbearable. She was so pleasant to be around.
We stopped in front of Starbucks. I looked over to the front of the school—Warren stood in front of the doors. My first reaction was to run; my body instantly turned the other direction. Kate, holding my arm, pulled me back, looking into my eyes one last time. "You can do it. I know you can."
I nodded, my shaky breath exhaling. Okay, I have Kate here, so if I feel like I'm freaking out, I could just go to her. Or, look at her. Wherever she'll be.
I nodded one more time and staggered my way there. I breathed slow, keeping (and failing) myself steady. He waved at me, smiling wide, "Hey Max!"
"Hey Warren." I paused in between the simple two-word sentence. You'll be okay. I peeked at Kate, who decided to stand against Starbucks under the shade.
"How have you been?"
I shrugged, "Just living, going to school, living with Chloe and now Rachel, I guess. W-what about you?"
"Just moved here. It's pretty good so far and I was so stoked I found a job so fast."
"That's good."
My eyes kept dodging around, feeling awkward and panicked. I couldn't stop looking at Kate, who was still paying attention, giving me visual cues to breathe. Why can't I just act normal?
"You wanted to talk, right? Tell me." He still smiled.
"Yeah, I feel pretty… pretty fucking shitty about it."
"You can tell me anything, Max."
I started to feel annoyed. He was so happy, like nothing weird ever happened between us. I wasn't sure if I was mad too, but I was less anxious. I was more disappointed in myself than mad.
It slowly felt more and more like I made a mistake.
"I-I'm—I'm really sorry that I broke up with you through the phone without saying why." I refused to look into his eyes when I blurted it out. "I just did what I usually did: move away and never talk again."
"It's not never again if we're talking right now." I was shocked; He kept the same happy tone. He didn't sound hurt or mad at all. "Max, we're cool! I was surprised, but I didn't lose my mind over it. I was like "I guess she didn't like going ape!'"
I cracked a smile; I genuinely wanted to laugh. "Movies with you were cool, but… us, together, was not cool. That sounds fucking harsh."
"No worries. But hey, it didn't work. Let me tell you, I'm not as oblivious as before! I remember times you weren't happy with me and that's okay."
"But, what I did wasn't right. I should have said how I really felt."
I honestly couldn't remember why I said yes to dating him, after going with him to a drive-in theater. He sorta solidified me being bi, but still liked girls more. Chloe, Rachel, even my own parents knew I liked girls to some degree before I even knew.
"Apologies accepted! No hard feelings."
"I could've sworn you texted me recently. I was freaking out over it!" I took my phone out.
He cocked his head to the side, confused as I was. When I showed him the text messages and the one blocked number I had, he released a long, realizing "oh."
"The one you called is mine, but that one…" He pointed at the mysterious, blocked number, "That one's my boyfriend's."
I barely comprehended the sentence. I thought I was dreaming at first, like I passed out again and made that whole thing up. However, I was awake and that sentence was real.
"Boyfriend?" I smiled at him, genuinely happy.
"Yep, he probably saw your name thinking you were another dude or something. I didn't even know I still had your number! We had a conversation recently and he had this weird, oddly threatening tone and he couldn't stop mentioning cheating. I had no clue what he was talking about."
"Yeah, and it pissed me off." Another man's voice interrupted.
"Nathan!" Warren said, cheerfully. "I know what you're talking about now! This is the Max you were indirectly talking about… We'll talk about breaking into my phone later."
"You're Max?" Nathan looked me up and down. I was uncomfortable under his glare, but his furrowed brows relaxed and his eyes darted around as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Um, well, shit."
Everything about him screamed "rich kid." Compared to Warren's style, there was a significant price difference. I recognized the name brands he had on, thanks to Rachel's shopping sprees.
After he apologized profusely (while I was forgiving him profusely), I was laughing and smiling again. We ended up in an unrelated conversation about ourselves and I learned Nathan liked whale noises and we shared a passion for photography. He briefly mentioned dreaming about punching the shit out of me, but I was more laughing than offended.
"But you know, Max," Warren stopped us from going any further. "I also remember that girl you were with in the cafeteria. You can always come to us for relationship advice."
"… Was it that obvious?"
"Clear as day!" They started to laugh at me. I was uncomfortable, but I knew the laughs were out of love. Note to self: learn to be subtle.
In the end, I unblocked the number and went on our ways. I watched for a moment as they walked away, hand-in-hand. I really was okay after all.
I ran back to Kate, who was grinning at me. Out of excitement, I grabbed her into a hug.
"I'm guessing all went well." Kate asked through giggles.
"Even better."
