We all rushed to grab our bags and then ran through the sand. Kate and I lagged behind as Rachel and Chloe raced. Keeping a steady pace, we weren't too far apart.
"You're sleeping the whole day?" She asked me.
"Are you?"
"Yes, I need it after that and from school. I promise not to wake you up if I can't."
I chuckled, "It's fine. Bother me all you like."
"Hurry up you slow asses!" Chloe called out in front of the house.
We sped up, laughing along the way. She was faster than me since she was only carrying her backpack. Dragging her bag through the sand, I was the last person to get into the house. I tried to act like I wasn't exhausted from hurrying and keeping my breathing as normal as possible. Didn't help though, Chloe laughed at me as soon as I got inside.
The house was a really spacious inside. It had to be ten times bigger than our apartments. Chloe took the opportunity to take over the pure white couch in the middle of the living room, making the multi-colored pillows scatter around as she jumped in. Our feet tapped against shiny white tiles, reflective and even more so with the furthest wall made of glass. Rachel went up to it, pressing her hand against it as she stared at the blue sea, calm and going with the wind. Kate took it upon herself to walk around, observing some of the paintings of fishes and the various plants placed next to the couch and the TV.
Being the weirdest one, I started to randomly look through the open kitchen, touching the granite countertops and looking through drawers and cabinets. Empty, as it should be.
"This place was better than expected!" Rachel awed, echoing throughout the house.
"Can we live here?" My voice echoed too. I looked up and echoing was due to high ceiling.
"Wanna drive six hours to school?"
Keeping my mouth shut, I closed the drawer I had opened. Chloe and Kate's repressed giggling filled the air instead, making this situation way worse. That was a stupid question. Note to self: think before you say.
"Anyways, let's go upstairs. We need to sleep the day off so we can get through the night!" After Rachel announced, she rushed to the spiral staircase, then Kate, then Chloe, then lastly me. Our luggage was neglected by the couch. We looped around on the stairs two times before we made it to the top, leading to a hallway with a room on one side and a room on the other side.
"Dibs!" Rachel went right and Chloe followed behind. Their door slammed shut and left Kate and I to take the other room. The room was the size of my living room. My eyes gravitated to the immaculate white bedding and the golden chandelier above it. Same tiles and a wall of oblong windows, overlooking the street and the plethora of little shops next to it. As I approached the window, I heard Kate kick off her shoes and drop into the bed, plopping down loudly. I turned around and the white bed was wrinkled from her. I followed her, lying down on the other side.
My body relaxed instantly. Being stuck on the couch for a month made me forget what it was like to be comfortable. My back was a lot stiffer than I thought.
"Are you going to watch TV?" Kate asked me.
Right in front of us, there was a white dresser and a flat screen was above it, attached to the wall. The black matched with the bed frame and it made the room feel less like an expensive hospital room.
"No, we need to sleep." I turned towards her. She was lying on her side, looking at me with a tired smile.
"You should try to cover the window then."
I looked at the window behind me and finally noticed the cream-colored drapes on the sides. I got up and started to slide the drapes to the middle, making the room dim. I climbed back into bed, getting one foot under the cream shawl at bottom.
"Good enough?"
She nodded. She sat up, shifted a little, and then her hand reached behind her head, pulling on her hair tie. Her hair fell to her shoulders as she shook her head around, fanning it out into a mane. I giggled at her, feeling the urge to touch it.
"I don't know how you have your hair up all the time." She lied down again, blowing strands of her hair out of her face.
"Isn't yours in a bun all the time?"
"It's two different things, Max. Taking my bun out actually makes me feel pretty."
"You don't think you look pretty now?"
"No, I feel like I'm a mess."
"I disagree!" What the fuck am I, a debater?
"Of course, you do. You always think good of me."
I did a little hum before turning my head away, looking up at the ceiling. We heard a clock ticking as we lied still. What had happened in the car popped back into my mind, causing my heart rate to pound hard. I couldn't just ask her. What if I offend her? I'm okay with staying as her friend.
"We should sleep now." Kate got under the blanket.
"G-good idea!" I did the same, immediately hogging the blanket for myself. She wordlessly pulled on it back. I'm so dumb…
I've been in worse situations.
However, being in the same bed as Kate and so apart that Rachel and Chloe could fit in between us, that was a new kind of situation. We kept pulling for the blanket, gripping it a little tighter each time we pulled. All of us were sleeping throughout the day, then when the night hits, we were out again. Right. There's a party Rachel just has to go to. I don't mean to be bitter or annoyed, but I'm bitter and annoyed in the anxious way.
My breath got caught in my throat. It was the only thing keeping me awake. I could see it now: people having the time of their lives and enjoying the now, but I was going to be there, enjoying the pain in my chest. I was just going for all three of them, though I was going to be more of a zombie than having fun.
Turning again, I was lying on my back. Staring up at the white ceiling and arms above my head, I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. The drapes were not helping with keeping the room dark.
Kate moved too, turning towards me, lying on her side and her hand under the pillow. Her hair was messy, covering most of her face. Instinctively, I reached over and moved her hair and bangs until only singular strands were left. She wrinkled her nose and grumbled but was still asleep. I turned my head away before I was stuck in a trance.
I sat up, swinging my legs down the side of the bed, and left. My feet pattered against the tiles, observing the various plastic plants and vases scattered around. At some point, Chloe made it her mission to pull all the drapes; she needed sleep the most. Despite staying up with her, I was the most awake. Various sounds like creaking put me on edge, especially on the stairs, making me stop in my tracks every single time.
I should just decline. They don't want me there! I'll just weigh them down. They want me to have fun… But I can't!
"Caulfield!"
I spun around, feeling a jolt go through my entire body. Chloe was at the top looking down at me, still exhausted and her eyes were drooped, waiting for a response.
"Chloe, shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"I had a feeling you were awake." She walked down, scratching her head and yawning.
I crossed my arms as I waited. All the nerves in my body were numb, ready for her to do as she said and physically beat some sense into me. Preparing for impact, I shut my eyes and flinched back.
"Dude, you okay?"
I opened one eye, greeted by the bewildered look on her face. I cleared my throat, "Nothing, I got some dust in my eye."
"Right. So, there's no better time to talk than now. Spill. Now."
I stood up straight to gain a small sliver of confidence, "I… I don't have anything to say."
"You have lots of shit to say! You're with me, you can't be afraid around me. I know what I said was messed up; it was the tired-me talking!"
I swallowed, a tight knot in my throat, "I just can't ask her. I've been able to say she's pretty and how awesome she is, but all this personal stuff I just can't bring myself to mention them again. I want her to tell them to me because she trusts me."
"You've literally went to places together and slept in the same bed, I'm sure her trust level is on high as shit, right? You guys stayed in her room!"
I turned around, dragging my feet and letting out a defeated sight, "I dunno… Just maybe she deserves someone better."
It was a thought I was forcing down. I avoided it as much as I could, replacing it with hope, but was I someone for her? Being with her felt amazing and my crush (even after admitting being just friends would be just as great) on her became stronger, making the thought louder in the back of my head.
"Are you—You can't think that after hanging out with her every day!" She hurried to stand in front of me again. Her hands were gripping my arms tightly, keeping me from trying to get away.
She released a defeated sigh, guided me to the couch, and sat around the pillows she didn't fix. Her hand waved to her lap. I went along, lying down and placing my legs over her. Could've sworn this was Rachel and Chloe's thing.
"Is it anxiety spiking or is it just you?" She rested her arms on me.
Different answers danced around in my head. At this point, I'm not sure. I wish I could tell what I felt, but I never understood them either. Whatever this was, everything with her, it was new territory and I haven't been able to keep up.
"Anxiety?" I choked up. Chloe stayed quiet, waiting for me to finally open up from my shell. I remember so vividly when I told her the first time. She and Rachel wanted to take me to a crazy concert, a can't-miss Firewalk concert they needed to go to. I tried to come up with any excuse I could: homework, hanging out with other people, taking photos for class. None of them were believable, so the moment they shoved me into Chloe's truck, I blurted out that I couldn't go. I finally cried out and explained my social anxiety to them. They still took me, but like at HUE sf, I was stuck at the bar with some sketchy guys and my phone.
"Maxtually," Chloe tapped on my knees, "You can tell me."
"I dunno! I don't know if it's called anxiety! I feel my heart race around her, I smile whenever I think about her, I just wanna hug her and tell her how cute and… fucking amazing she is…"
Chloe was smiling and nodding her head at me, "Think you're in love with her, dude."
"W-what, no, I couldn't be. It can't be."
"Uh, yeah! No doubt, you're just denying it because you never felt it before."
"You said that when we kissed!"
"Was I wrong, though?!"
I pressed my hand to my forehead, letting out a light laugh. We kissed two times; the first one was a dare. That phrase has forever haunted our second kiss. It happened so naturally—some romantic in the rain shit—that she swears, to this day, that I was in love with her. It wouldn't have felt so bad… if Rachel and Chloe weren't already dating at the time. Rachel knows of it now, after a little deal.
"Rachel slapped me for it!"
"It was… pretty fucking powerful…" Chloe seemed to remember it too.
Rachel said she would forgive us if she was allowed one slap in the face. I disagreed, but Chloe made me agree. She had to crack her knuckles and wind up, striking my right cheek so hard, it was red and bruised for weeks.
"But, what I'm saying is," She pointed her finger at me, "You have to start recognizing it as its own separate feeling. It's a… A good anxiety."
"That's not a thing, Chloe."
"You know what I mean!"
I sat up again, swinging my legs down, "I'll try not to be so negative. Not completely, but just enough."
Maybe now was a good time to finally talk to Chloe about her problem. I haven't found good times to start it, but this moment was perfect. But she's relaxed… Instead, I nodded and smiled, unsure of how to even start with that.
"Here, I'll try to get some of my confidence on you." She suddenly grabbed me, holding tightly, and nuzzled into me. Her hair was tickling my face and neck, causing me to start laughing uncontrollably.
"Chloe, stop it!" I said through breaths. My hands were on her shoulders, using all my strength to push her off. Her arms only wrapped around tighter.
"Ahem!" A thundering echo went through the house. We stopped quickly, jumping to opposite sides of the couch. I clung onto the armrest as I looked up, locking eyes with Rachel and Kate on the second floor.
Those two couldn't be more polar opposites in this situation. Both of them were leaning on the white railing, however, Kate was smiling and admiring us while Rachel was looking daggers and a scowl on her lip.
"Shit…" Chloe said under her breath.
"Ready to get fucked up again?" I asked her.
"Yup…"
Rachel came down first. Her stance was straight with her shoulders back and her eyes were piercing and dark as she stared at us. She stood in front of us, hands on her hips, and scolded us like a mom that learned her kids broke a vase. She reminded me of her infamous slap and how she wasn't afraid of doing it again. I flinched at her hands waving around.
"For fuck's sakes," Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose, "We'll talk about it when our vacation is over. As for you—"
She pinched Chloe's ear, dragging her upstairs again. She was saying "ow" over and over until their bedroom door slammed again. Kate came down and sat next to me, still smiling and chuckling at what she witnessed.
"Life's never boring with those two in it, huh?"
"You could say that…" I weakly laughed.
"You okay?" She sat closer and rubbed my back.
"Yeah, we just try not to anger her so much. It's pretty intense." I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder.
"Scarier than that?"
"Oh yeah…"
"You seem agitated," she stood up and pulled on my arms, "Come back to bed, you need to sleep."
I gave a side smile and followed, letting her hold my hand and guiding me back to our room again. A pounding in my chest started to go off and my lips started to curl at the ends.
"Think you're in love with her, dude."
Now I understood why Rachel and Chloe loved being so touchy when they slept. Kate hasn't let go of my hand and went to sleep that way, loosely holding on in between my fingers. Our bracelets right next to each other, putting yet another stupid grin on my face. I was able to fall asleep after another few minutes passed trying to relax and repressing most of my negative thoughts down.
It didn't feel long, but I woke and the room was dark again, light faintly coming in from the hall and slightly from the boardwalk.
My arm felt heavy and weighed down. Tingly too, because it was still asleep. I didn't question it at first, in fact I held it closer. Then, I had a small whiff of vanilla.
I held back a squeak as I stared at Kate. Okay, please don't panic! It's okay! Sure, she's just hugging my arm… and she's sleeping on my shoulder… and she's smells really good—don't panic!
It was kind of like a puppy that falls asleep on your lap, like "sorry, I'm stuck here forever."
"You guys awake—Whoa!" Chloe was shocked, taking a few steps back. She put her hand over her mouth; her eyes were popping in complete shock. I didn't want to wake her up, but I proceeded to shake her and whisper her name until I saw her flutter her eyes.
"Is it night already?" She mumbled. Have mercy, she's so pretty.
"Yeah, unless you want to sleep more." Please say you'd rather stay home.
"I think I've slept enough," She sat up and stretched her arms up, "Good evening, Chloe."
"Sup," she took two strides into our room, "Rachel's getting ready now and we brought your bags up, so you guys should do that."
"Okay, thank you." Kate got out of bed and tied her hair up into a messy bun. Chloe awkwardly spun around and left the room.
"Did you sleep good, Max?" She asked as she fixed her shirt.
"Y-yeah."
Right as I got out of bed, I went to get our luggage outside our door, putting on her backpack and pulling our rolling bags with both hands. I parked them on the side of the bed as she fixed it.
"Thanks for bringing those in," she said as she fixed the pillows, "You could use the bathroom first."
I dug through my bag, literally, and found my toothpaste and brush at the bottom. I went into the bathroom, immediately closing the door behind me. Turning on the light, I was stunned by marble tiles and a large glass shower in the corner. I approached the sink cautiously, eyeballing the black counter and marble bowl. I ran my hand along the smooth and surfaces. I looked at myself in the mirror, realizing how much of a mess I was.
My shirt was wrinkled, my hair was out of place, and the whites of my eyes were red. I groaned at myself and started the water, splashing my face to look a little more alive.
Alright Caulfield, you could do this. Rachel, Chloe, and Kate are there with you! As much as you want to stay in the nicest house you've ever stayed in, the intention is to let loose and learn to control your anxiety! You even went to a nightclub, that shit was packed! Just know if you can't, just leave somewhere, they should understand. And come up with something for Kate…
After washing my face once again, I left my stuff on the counter and exited, welcomed by all three of them in the still-dark room.
"I really can't wait to go," Kate said to them, then looked at me, "Guess it's my turn."
"It's all yours." I stood next to her. Rachel and Chloe stood in front of me, arms crossed and looking at me with concern. They didn't start talking until Kate closed the door.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Rachel reached over and felt my arm—I tensed up.
I nodded my head, slow and with uncertainty. From her eyebrow raising and confused look, she wasn't convinced.
"This night is a big night, right?" She spoke again.
"It's fucking huge."
"It's a night of having fun and being free of life's problems and stresses. A whole week of just forgetting how much everything sucks. Doesn't that sound great?"
"Yeah…"
She gripped my hands, "Then take a chance! Going through what you have to go through every day is very hard, but promise me, you'll last longer than at the club. I don't want to catch you sitting on a curb again."
I shut my eyes as I sighed and then opened them, connecting with her hazel ones, wide and patient, "We'll just have to see."
"Don't force yourself, alright?"
I nodded doubtfully again. Rachel then left the room and Chloe patted me on the back, putting her arm around my shoulders.
"Come on, Cornfield, I know you could do it."
She messed with my hair again. She was laughing, but I could feel that she was worried about me. Even she seemed scared.
"Will food help? We're going to eat at one of those food trucks."
"Of course, food always helps. I'm missing on my coffee fix."
"Whatever helps you. Rachel won't say it, but you could definitely bounce if you feel like you're… losing yourself."
I wasn't like them; they did anything and everything they could in order to keep the excitement. No matter the consequences. I did once in a while, for their sake, but it kept me awake sometimes. I couldn't stop feeling like I did something wrong or I was being a total asshole to others. It made me stop breathing in times like those. Chloe told me about how she feared "losing the fire," but what if I become the one that puts it out?
"I've been keeping positive. I'll try my best to stay grounded."
Before Chloe could say anything, Kate came out of the bathroom again. Chloe's arm lifted off me.
"The shower in there is really big. I feel like it could fit all of us in it." Kate mentioned with a small chuckle.
"Don't give her ideas." I elbowed Chloe's side.
"Sounds hot," Chloe smirked, "Let's go, though. We have a long night ahead of us."
A short drive through the hot California night was surprisingly relaxing. The City Beach wasn't packed yet, though I estimated a few hundred people were already there. I could see a huge crew setting up a large stage for a DJ and performers. A few more were setting up a barrier for the party so it was ticket exclusive. Thanks to Rachel, she bought them, not like at the club where she could just waltz in.
My heart raced.
The beach was extensive enough as it is, imagining it with a crowd in it was overwhelming already. Kate looked at me from time-to-time and I looked back to give her a reassuring smile. Faking confidence usually helped.
It didn't feel like it was now.
We parked on the side of the street, right in front of the beach and a couple feet away from the first food truck we saw. The Cheddr Wheel as it was called and it was covered with all the different names of different cheeses. From what we saw, they served quesadillas. There were only four options to pick from, though.
"Do you want to share again?" I asked Kate.
"I was feeling something healthier today. Would you like to?"
"Oh… No, I was just asking."
"You don't like vegetables all that much?"
I pressed my lips together, humming, "They're okay."
She giggled and turned her attention back to the menu. We all got different items—they all got the vegetarian option—and walked out through the sand. We had our food trays close to our mouths so nothing could spill out.
"Kate, aren't you hot?" Rachel asked before she took a bite. I looked over and she was still in her cardigan, even though it felt like it was a hundred degrees (or, at least ninety).
"It's fine, with the outfit Victoria chose, I'm more comfortable with this on." She said it with a smile, but it looked forced. I thought about it, but not wanting to make assumptions, I stopped immediately.
We all finished our food, except for Chloe who shared off of me and Rachel, and before we knew it, people and crowds started pouring onto the beach. Lots of lights, booths for drinks and souvenirs that popped up out of nowhere, and the DJ playing loud EDM while people were drinking and getting fucked up in this one night. Colorful and blinking accessories were everywhere and this huge crowd was dancing altogether to this music.
We were walking around on the sand, Rachel was hanging around with everyone who knew her and were fans, even recognizing me and Chloe too. It felt so weird take pictures with people and being complimented; I had a small amount of fame. I didn't know what to do with it.
Shit, what if they think I'm boring? I'm not as cool as they are.
"Hey, do you have an Instagram?"
Are they secretly judging me? I don't look as good as them. "No, sorry, I really should make one."
"You're so cute and you take amazing pictures!"
Just say yes and thank you. Just say yes and thank you. That's it. "Thank you!"
"Can we take a photo together?"
I replied to all of them with as much confidence I could muster. I agreed and said thanks to them and grabbed Kate right away, walking as fast as I could.
"Max, are you okay?" She stopped us near the water. People were splashing and playing around. The beach was completely packed and lights were everywhere. From what I saw, everyone brought their own drinks and coolers. I couldn't tell her. This problem is stupid! You don't need to tell her!
"Yeah, it's just tough being recognized. It's never happened before." I forcefully chuckled. As I rubbed the back of my neck, she grabbed my hand.
As the sky went from a calming orange to a mysterious purple, I slowly but surely calmed down while I talked to Kate about random things that had nothing to do with everything around us. I was feeling normal, until I felt another hand grab my arm. I turned quickly, alarmed and ready to rip my arm out, but I saw the familiar blonde hair and flannel.
"Hey, we were looking for you two!" She announced. The music was loud even where we were. Chloe was now wearing the sunglasses, dancing behind her and holding an unopened bottle of beer. I hoped she won't drink a damn sip of it.
"Oh, I didn't think we got that far!" I replied.
"It's cool! Come on, we have music to dance to!"
They wanted to stay near the stage. Everyone gave Rachel room to move through, while we tried to squeeze in between. The music was blasting and vibrating against our feet and the audience we were a part of were hopping, dancing, sitting on people's shoulders, and surfing above us.
At first, it wasn't so bad. I was enjoying everything! I was jumping along and seeing Kate so excited made me excited! Laughing and dancing along with everyone, I thought I was going to be able to get through it for the whole night. Watching Rachel get on Chloe's shoulders so she could see was awesome as she screamed in complete exhilaration.
However, everything started coming together. All of the lights and beams were burning. The crowd around us were compacted, knew no boundaries and everyone touched everyone. Music blasted at us with huge speakers, making every thought pointless. I kept pretending I was having a good time, jumping around and forcing my laughs.
My hand was clutching onto Kate's wrist with a death grip. My breathing was becoming uneven. My pulse was throbbing in my chest. It was pounding against my ears. Vision was blurry. All the noises around me started to jumble together.
"Kate, I have to go!" I yelled.
"Do you want me to take you?" She yelled back. We stopped jumping and her words barely processed in my mind. I have to get out. I can't breathe. Get out. I can't do this.
I spun around and started to get out on my own. My vision was fusing the blinding lights and colors. Maneuvering through this felt like going through a never-ending maze. Behind me, I could hear Kate calling out for me. Get out. Get out. Get out.
I kept bumping into others, spilling drinks, and hearing warped voices left and right. I wasn't sure what they were saying anymore. I can't do this. Get out now! I need to breathe!
I felt my arm being tugged and taking me somewhere. All the lights were gone, but the three people in front of me were nothing but colors.
"Max!"
"Speak to me, Max!"
"Hey! Come on, talk to us!"
I can't. I can't. Get out.
Everything went blank.
Calls for help echoed around me.
A sharp pain hit the side of my body.
