A/N: Trigger Warning- Mentions of self-harm
The first thing Rachel did when we got home was grab a red marker from my desk.
"I'm drawing this on you to remind you," Rachel grabbed Chloe's hand and drew a bold red "X" on the back, right over her anchor tattoo, "to avoid drinking too much."
We got home in the afternoon after dropping Kate off at her apartment. We all unpacked our stuff, shoving them into the hamper or dresser, and changed into new pajamas.
Chloe stared at it for a while, turning her hand around. She looked at Rachel, unamused, "Do you honestly think this will work?"
"Absolutely not. That's why Max is still here! She'll be helping you too, so think of something to reinforce it. It has to be negative and makes you just fucking sick of it." Rachel turned to me and folded her arms, "Any ideas?"
We were standing in the middle of the living room, back in the poster-covered mess we all loved, because we were all sick of sitting down in the car. I had no idea how to help Chloe, other than what Kate had said before—look for therapy. Which wouldn't be so bad! We wouldn't be so alone in our individual problems.
As I put my hand on my chin and hummed, I thought of three different ways I could help her. "Negative… Can I hit you?" I asked Chloe.
"Are you Rachel now?" She pointed at her.
"It could help, but Chloe would hate that eventually. I know I would." Rachel shook her head.
Right, she's confrontational and would literally fight a bear. There's "hit Chloe" off the list.
"You could write a little note for yourself on your hand," I grabbed her hand, touching her palm, "It'll remind you of what you have to do."
"Did that a lot before, so I'll think about that." She nodded. Because we all know the X would be gone by tomorrow. Not even tomorrow—by tonight.
I let go of her and crossed my arms, "And I could go with you when you go to HUE sf? Maybe not every night, but I could keep an eye on you and make sure you don't drink anything."
Rachel nodded and smirked a bit, "I kind of like that. It would be like a mom who can't leave her kid home alone." I would be at the bar again and I'm not saying that as a complaint at all. Plus, maybe I could hang out with Dana! I better get the therapy idea in before we lose the subject.
"How about for the first few nights?" Chloe arranged. Her face was scrunched up and I could tell she hated the idea. I only awkwardly smiled back and shrugged my shoulders.
"It's a start."
"Alright, it's a plan then!" Rachel announced joyfully. "You'll write on your hand every day and you'll go with her once in a while to work."
"U–um, can I add in another idea?"
"Sure, anything that could help." Rachel nodded and rubbed my back, adding, "You don't have to ask, we're still putting in ideas."
"Kate suggested to me to look for therapy, so… it wouldn't be so crazy if you looked too."
Chloe's face changed expression, "You mean talk about my feelings to some person sitting two feet away from me. Isn't that shit hella awkward?"
"Everything feels awkward to me, but it's meant to help you get your emotions out. Just think about it?"
"Yeah, Chloe. It couldn't hurt to try. If you hate it, you can stop it. Please?" Rachel approached her, now rubbing her back.
She groaned, annoyed, but replied, "Okay, whatever."
"What about you then?" I asked her. I more so blurted it out.
Rachel's smile went away and she deeply sighed, "If I do have to go, leave for work and let all the drama die, there's only so much I could do. I'll try my best to video chat, call, text—fuck it—maybe even an email, every day. I want to stay involved."
Chloe and I nodded our heads. In my head, I chuckled at emails. But, I noticed Rachel was changing too. For good like all of us, especially after nearly beating two people up. I really worried for the repercussions of that; that threat was real.
"I feel bad for being so anxious right now. Just waiting for my manager to call is killing me."
"Don't, it's okay to feel that way," I would know, "You guys should sleep some. Or do whatever, I'll put the volume up on the TV again."
Rachel chuckled and messed with my hair, "So thoughtful. I'll try to get some rest. If I miss my manager's calls, I'll just deal with it. Come on, baby."
She held Chloe's wrist and they went into the room, closing the door gently. I was back on the horrible and incredibly uncomfortable couch and watching daytime television on the highest volume. Again, I just wanted to be sure!
I left the living room and into the bathroom, holding my phone and calling Kate. I wouldn't be surprised if Kate didn't respond. I would be sad yet relieved, because even though she didn't answer, she was really sleeping. I listened to the ring about four times before it was picked up, causing my heart to skip a beat.
"Hello?" She sounded drowsy.
"I didn't think you would answer," I said truthfully, "I was just thinking about you and wanted to try and call."
"Oh, I did say I was sleeping, huh?" She chuckled. "Nope, I was reading and… thinking, I guess."
"Is that so? What were you thinking about?"
I heard her sigh. There was a moment of faint music from her side and someone talking on my TV. I leaned on the sink, facing towards the closed bedroom door, tapping my finger on the back of my phone. I contemplated saying anything first until Kate spoke up again.
"I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, Kate. It's okay." I felt my chest tighten and my breath getting stuck in my throat. I pushed the sudden feeling of rejection away, clearing my throat. Was it about what happened? This feels so… awful.
"So, what're you reading?" I asked instead.
"Just a little something my friend wrote. Ledah wanted me to check something out."
"Oh, uh, cool." This is… not going well. I shouldn't have bothered her. I bet I annoyed her.
"Um, do you mind if I go?" She sounded more tired and like her voice strained, "I have to finish reading and then I'm going to sleep."
Oh shit. "No, not at all! Don't be afraid to text me later if you can't sleep, okay?"
"Of course. Bye."
She hung up right away. I deeply and slowly sighed as I put my phone back in my pocket. I left the bathroom and lied down on the couch, elevating my feet on the armrest. Did I do something? I want to ask again; I'm so fucking nosy! But… since we left, she hasn't been the same. Was she upset that it happened? Does she know that I saw something?
Even though I was too afraid to turn the volume down, I still did it. I couldn't focus. I half-expected to hear something coming from the room—pun intended (I can't believe I made that joke)—but it was complete silence.
Maybe she's actually mad. She did yell when she was mad before. Her feelings of anger and sadness mixed. But I don't want her to be mad at me or herself. I would cry if I knew she was crying at the moment.
Shit, I had no clue. I sat up and took another chance, pushing my ear against the bedroom door, hearing if they were doing anything. Focusing a little harder, I still heard silence. I was too afraid to check, so I knocked three times.
"Yes?" Rachel replied. She sounded normal.
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah, door's unlocked."
I opened and they were telling the truth about trying to get some sleep. Chloe was still asleep, but Rachel was only cuddling up to her and wide awake.
"Hey, you okay?" She asked me. She got out from under Chloe's arm and sat closer to me, leaning on her arms.
I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck, "Just overthinking, I guess."
"Is it about Kate? Chloe told me a little bit about what happened."
I sat on the end of the bed, "Yep. She's clearly been in a bad mood, but she's not talking about it or even wanting to acknowledge it. How much did Chloe say?"
"Just that you two were going to kiss. I'm still sorry for the great timing we had."
I nodded, "No worries. She asked me if I saw something and I said no, but… I think I did see something."
"Oh?" She raised her eyebrows, "See what?"
"I dunno, I… I saw two lines on her arms. I dunno what they were, other than she might be hurting herself."
"Oh, my god. I never thought she would do something like that. I hate to leave her alone right now. I don't want to imagine it."
"I can't imagine how she's feeling. She wore shirts before, so they happened recently. I dunno what to do."
"She's thinking a lot. I see the way she looks at you and when she looks down or out in space. She has lots on her mind, but she won't let them come out. The way her body seems to keep to herself and tries to give everyone else room, the way she raised her hand to her mouth when she looked out the window in the car, the way she smiles now—she wants to scream out all her frustration." Rachel sighed, combing her fingers through her hair. "I mean, I wouldn't know what that feels like."
"I've never thought about that either." I looked away, staring blankly at the ground. Rachel turned to Chloe, who was still fast asleep.
"Let's go outside. I don't want to disturb her."
We left together to the living room, sitting on the couch, and simultaneously sighing.
"Why were you awake still, anyway?" I asked.
"I just wanted to be with her. We love being hella crazy and wild, but Max, when you love someone, those times when you two are just quiet and calm, those times feel like they're endless."
I nodded. They made me feel so envious. The whole world is envious of them. They had to be.
"You ever think about marrying her?" I turned to her, resting my arm on the couch. I asked with a smile and she smirked back at me.
"When I'm away, I do." She fixed her sleeves as she turned towards me, "I don't know if Chloe ever does. The more I'm with her, the more likely marriage becomes. I used to think that it wasn't as worth it as it was made out to be. But, marrying her?" She sighed dreamily.
"You should ask her. Not to marry you, but what she thinks, while you're still here."
"God, Max, that's hella weird!" She lightly pushes me, "She's twenty-one and I'm twenty, barely turning twenty-one in a couple months! Even mentioning it would be a bad idea."
"Psh, please, Chloe talks about me being in love with her all the time. Same difference."
She chuckled, "Don't remind me. Why am I fighting for my girlfriend's love with her and my own best friend?"
"You're not… I have the drunk-Chloe memories to prove it."
She huffed, resting her head on the couch, "Yeah… I've seen her cry before, a lot, but that was different. I never want to see that again."
"She was?" Just act like you weren't there.
"She couldn't stop the whole night. She was hurting herself, which hurts me. She blames it on herself, just like before? Remember?"
"Yeah." From her dad dying to me leaving, she hasn't gotten over it yet. I don't think she ever will.
She cleared her throat, tucking her hair behind her ear, "Anyway, tell me more about Kate." She's feeling guilt and anger too. I wonder if at her or herself.
I lifted my feet up off the ground and were on the couch, hugging my knees, "I dunno what to say. Everything else is personal and things she never told anyone else."
"I'm sure there's something you could tell me. I won't tell anyone."
I sighed. Not the virginity story, obviously. A lot of things Kate told me were things she doesn't get to talk about. I could say one thing.
"She self-diagnosed, but she has had depression for years now. She never sleeps enough and always look to people to help, but self-harm? That could be from anything."
"I hope she'll be okay. Has she talked about self-harm or suicidal thoughts before?"
"We didn't get into that. I'm not confident enough right now to ask something like that. And it's not something we ever talk about. We never talk about something to just throw it in."
"Thighs are another common place, so just ask or, you know, maybe you'll see them for yourself one day."
That made me nervous. She's so kind and thoughtful; Never in my wildest dreams did I think of something like this. I hope she doesn't think she's alone in all of this.
She scoffed, "Thanks Max, now I can't stop thinking about marrying that bitch."
I snorted, "Don't talk about your wife like that."
She punched my arm, but she was still smirking at me. "Then, are you guys sure nothing happened when you guys went out late?"
"I swear, Rache, nothing happened. We did that photoshoot and played in the water, but that's it." Minus seeing her almost completely naked.
She nodded, "I trust you guys, I promise. Just that whole shit at Long Beach was hella bad and I'm sorry if that somehow ruined the nice vacation we were supposed to have."
"It's okay!" I waved my hand at her. "I understand that the way we act with each other is… worrying, but we'll promise to stop. It's just how we tease! Well, Chloe should be the one promising, she's the one that starts it."
"What do I start?" Chloe suddenly walked in. Rachel turned around to look at her.
"Flirting with Max," Rachel deadpanned, "You don't really mean it, right?"
"Yeah, I'm just messing with her," She sat down in between us, "Why? Do you think I like her like her?"
"I'm just tired of people being all over you." She started fix Chloe's hair, "Five years and I'm still feeling jealousy."
Chloe hummed, "Last time I checked, you were the only one all over me. Those people can talk to me all they want, but I'm still yours."
Rachel smiled slightly, looking thoroughly skeptical.
"What will it take to convince you?"
Rachel then smiled and giggled. The way she was looking at her was the real "lovey-dovey" gaze.
I interrupted, "Are you guys gonna go outside and make out under a streetlight? Because there's one right in front of our building."
They both scoffed at me; Chloe elbowed my side. "Okay, but I should have asked how you felt about me playing around with Max. It'll stop right now. We'll even stop sharing the bed."
"You don't have to do that! You should at least switch for a month, though. This couch is hella shitty."
"Please," I wanted to beg, "My back is still hurting from falling."
"You fell?" Rachel leaned to the side to look at me, "When?"
"Long story, but it involves Kate and cereal."
Chloe turned to me, with a confused look on her face, "That literally tells me nothing."
I shrugged my shoulders, "It's the truth!"
After that conversation, we all decided to order some food to our apartment. Rachel was in the bathroom showering while Chloe and I were still on the couch, finally talking about my tattoo plans again.
"I hella want another tattoo again." Chloe showed me the X that was still drawn on her hand.
"I thought you said one sleeve."
"I know, but tattoos are awesome! I still need one for Rachel."
"Interesting…" I squinted. "Why?"
"Because I love her? Why're you looking at me like that?"
That's a huge commitment. Almost as huge as marriage. I snickered, "Nothing, nothing. But, for me, maybe I shouldn't start so huge? It sounded pretty cool at first, but now I'm nervous and I want to back out."
"Hey, they're not going to do everything at once. You could do multiple sessions. Do the outline of it, at least."
A random thought came to me, "You have a matching one with Rachel?"
"I think those are cursed. That's like a thing people warn about."
"I'm not saying to get her name or anything, but you mentioned her first!"
She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, "It's… a possibility. I guess I said it without thinking of that. I don't wanna ask her, so—"
"Is it super meaningful?"
She rolled her eyes, "Okay, it's a bad idea. Never mind, I'll think of something else."
I rolled my eyes back at her. Nice to know that they're thinking of the same things. Five years is such a long time.
Rachel came back into the room, still drying her hair and was on her phone.
"Shit, I'm everywhere…" She groaned.
Chloe and I stood up and gathered around her, and saw many stories and headlines of Rachel confronting the two strangers, saying she's "gone berserk" and "insane."
"Yeesh," Chloe grabbed her phone, "They work hella fast."
"No kidding," she replied and under her breath, "Media can fucking blow me."
There was a knock on the door; our food was here.
I was sure we bought nearly every item available from the Chinese restaurant near our apartment, because our dining table was completely covered and we had to eat on the coffee table. We all sat on the floor with our plates.
"Whoa, Max, slow down!" Chloe stopped my hand from raising to my mouth again. I hadn't noticed that I was already on the second plate.
"Let her eat, I don't want her to go back to her coffee diet."
I put my plate down, "Sorry, I was really hungry. Why did we order this much?"
"I'm stressed, Max." Rachel shoveled more rice into her mouth.
"You don't say."
Rachel and I were waiting for our phones, for her manager and Kate, to go off for calls or texts. Chloe left to sleep more, leaving us to watch our phones on the table.
"I don't think Kate's gonna call." I leaned over and rested my arms on my lap.
"I wouldn't be surprised. You should give her some space. If she wants to text you, she will." She patted me on the back.
"Are we just gonna wake up Chloe if you have to go?"
"Well yeah!" She scoffed, like saying "duh!"
I turned my phone over and sat back again, crossing my legs and arms, and sighed again. Rachel sat back too.
"I really don't want to leave you guys…"
"We don't want you to leave either. But, you have work and shit to deal with. We'll be okay."
She rested her head on my shoulder, "I don't know how long it'll be this time."
"We'll still be here! Chloe lasted for nearly a year, she could wait longer."
Before Rachel could respond, her phone started to vibrate loudly on the table. She hesitated to get it at first, but eventually grabbed it and answered it. I saw for a brief second that it said "Manager."
"Hello?" She walked off into the bathroom, "Yes, I know, I know, you taught me better than this. Don't put this on Chloe, she wasn't doing anything."
I stayed seated.
"Yes, I understand. Of course, I … Right now? You're sending someone? New York again?"
"C-could it wait until maybe tomorrow? Please, I—" She paused for a moment, "Yes, I'll get my things ready and I'll send the address." She hung up and she leaned on the door frame. We exchanged glances before she said something, "Guess I have to wake her up."
I silently nodded. I followed Rachel to the room and stayed at the door as she woke Chloe up. Chloe mumbled something at first as Rachel shook her around. She suddenly grabbed Rachel, pulling her into bed and cuddling into her.
"Chloe, babe, I have to go." Rachel repeated over and over.
"Go where?"
"Manager called, I have to leave. Today."
She was quiet and wasn't letting her go. It took a while before she finally let go of her and said, "Right now?"
Rachel nodded.
Without a fight, Rachel dressed out of her pajamas, fixed her bags, and we waited outside with her. Chloe and Rachel haven't let go of each other yet, staying in an embrace and giving each other kisses, while I stood on the side. She couldn't disagree or stop it; she knew this was it. We eventually saw a black car roll up to us, making them separate.
"Rachel Amber?" The nicely-dressed driver got out of the car.
"Yes, sir?" She replied.
"I was called in to pick you up."
"Yes, just give me another minute." She turned back to Chloe for one last hug and kiss. It was longer than a minute, wanting to imprint on each other and never forget how they felt.
"Take care of yourself, okay? Remember what we promised." She reminded, holding her face in her hands.
"I will," Chloe nodded, "Don't lose your mind while you're over there."
"I won't. I'll try to text or call every day, but call me first if you need anything at all. I can't call you in the car because my manager wants to talk, for sure. Wherever I stop or land, I'm calling you first. Max—" She pulled me into a hug, "Good luck on Kate and watch after Chloe, okay?"
"Thanks, and I will. Good luck on this whole dilemma. I hope it washes over soon."
"Me too." She lets go of me and opens the car door, "I love you guys."
"Love you too."
"Come back soon."
Chloe stood next to me and we both watched Rachel get in and the car drive away. Chloe released a quivering sigh and hooked her arm around my shoulders as we walked back inside.
"Well Pac-Max, it's just us again. You want the bed this time?"
"It'll be good for my back."
"It's all yours. I'm not gonna fit on that fucking couch."
Everything seemed so empty with one less person. I took over the bed and left Chloe outside in the living room. It almost felt wrong being in there again, like I didn't belong. I was too afraid to check my phone again, but midnight just struck.
Nothing.
April 25, 2015 12:01 AM
Rachel left today. The whole situation hasn't fully caught up with me yet, but it was the saddest thing I've experienced so far. It's really quiet. I have the room now. It's nice, but just like Chloe, I knew it would be better if Rachel was here. Now I'm the one saying "I wish Rachel was here." The whole trip to Long Beach was so messed up. All of us just wanted to be happy. But, we weren't. None of us were.
