I was up that night. I couldn't help but walk back and forth in front of the TV, letting a movie about space and multiple timelines play out, and biting on my nails. I was checking my phone for the time and, sometimes, the Tumblr notifications startled me. I never reacted so badly to "I have to ask you something" in my life until now. It couldn't be anything bad! It was Kate, after all. Yet... the statement was killing me. Time felt like forever and once it reached two AM, I had enough. I had to text someone. These two:
Warren: You're Super Max! You're going to be fine!
Nathan: fucking tell her you're a bitch.
"You're" as in me. Yeah, real helpful. Since I had no one else to turn to, I called a multitude of friends, and by that I meant two. I would be killed if I even think about waking up Victoria.
"Steph!" I said with a little urgency. I haven't slept yet and I knew I wasn't going to have any tonight.
"Whoa, Max?" She was alarmed and still in a drowsy, sleepy state. "What's up? I know you forgot to pick up your notes, but—"
"You're gay, right?"
She was quiet, probably trying to get her mind to catch up with that question. "Yeah, but—"
"I need help. Kate said she wanted to talk, but I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety over here." I couldn't help but walk around and breathe heavily into the phone.
"What does that have to do with me being gay?"
"I dunno! You're gay, she's gay, I'm gay for her, you're just the first person who came to mind!"
"Geez, I'm flattered." She was completely sarcastic. "I'm sorry, dude, but the only thing I could tell you is to just stay calm. I'm sure you're just letting your anxiety overwhelm you. I doubt Kate is going to say anything bad."
"I know, but... You're right." I sighed. "I'm just... holy shit."
I had to sit down, cushioning myself with the multiple blankets I laid out, and rubbed the back of my neck. "Sorry for waking you up."
"Hey, it's cool. Thanks for thinking of me first for your gay problems." She chuckled, but I knew she was pissed to some degree.
"You can sleep now. See you in class."
"See ya, good luck with that."
Okay, remember what your therapist said. I'm making good progress! Shit, what was that grounding thing again…?
I hung up and immediately called someone else. Someone who knew how to talk things out and be able to help me at this ungodly hour. I pressed her number in and waited. My knees swayed from side to side as I listened to the ringing.
"Max? What's up? Are you okay?" Dana asked in worry. It was quiet on her side. "I ran outside when I saw it was you!"
"What about work—"
"I served everyone already, what's wrong?"
I sighed, slouching my shoulders down, "Um, Kate said she wanted to ask something and talk tomorrow. I'm really nervous. Am I overreacting?"
"It's okay to feel scared! Don't feel bad about how you feel. Just remind yourself to look forward to it, rather than be scared of it, you know what I mean? Like, she wants to talk to me! But, your feeling is normal, okay, Max?"
I slid down my couch, "Right..." I thought about it. It was true, but I've believed for so long that being afraid was bad, it'll be hard to convince myself otherwise. "By the way, how's you and Juliet?"
"Great! Like we were never apart! Thanks again for bringing us together again."
"You're welcome, Dana. I guess I'll let you go now."
"You'll be okay, Max! Deep breaths!"
We hung up and then I tossed my phone to the side, looking up at the ceiling. I grabbed my messenger bag at my feet and dug through it, looking for a specific, small picture. When I pulled it out, I felt my cheeks blush. The moment I caught Kate kissing my cheek, I was smiling in the picture, but my mind was still processing what was happening. If I went back in time and told myself "she's gonna kiss you in the next few seconds," I wouldn't believe it!
I placed the photo on the coffee table and stood up, storming to the bedroom door. Before I grabbed the doorknob and marched in there, I stopped. I saw something I never wanted to see the last time I didn't knock, so I did that first. I did three firm knocks and took a step back.
When the door opened, Rachel, who had messy hair and wearing the so-called "I'm fucking Chloe Price" shirt I was told about, was rubbing her eye and yawning.
"Max, it's late. Are you okay?" She asked, folding her arms.
"I'm sorry, Rachel. I couldn't really sleep and I wanted to ask you something." I felt bad waking up and/or bothering people at late hours. I hated even admitting that I wanted help.
Rachel turned back to look at the bed and then stepped outside, closing the door behind her. "What's up?" She asked me as she put her arm around my shoulders, walking us to the couch.
"Kate wants to talk. Or, she said she wanted to ask me something, but she wants to talk tomorrow. I feel like I'm overreacting and that I'm just thinking too much of it! I dunno, it feels shitty."
"I can't imagine."
We sat down and I rested my head on her shoulder. "What do I do?" I said, almost weakly and in defeat.
"Get through it? You're thinking too much of tomorrow. Come on, I'll teach you this thing my anger management coach taught me. It helps with anxiety too."
"Sure."
She scooted away, turning towards me as she lifted her knees to her chest, and said, "Tell me three things you see in this room right now." Right, this is the grounding thing!
"Um..." I was thinking too hard about it. My eyes darted around the room. "Couch... TV... and you?"
"What are three things you can hear?"
"You... the movie... and me."
"What are three things you can feel? Like, physically touch."
"The bracelet I got from Kate..." I hadn't noticed, but I was touching and messing with the strings of it. "Me sitting down and my feet on the ground."
"Can you taste or smell anything?"
"No."
"Then you close your eyes and take a deep breath... three seconds is good, but five is better."
I did as I was told. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... then I exhaled. I was relaxed again, calm, and back in reality, like the method intended.
"Feel better?" Rachel reached over and rubbed my arm.
"Yeah, actually."
"It reminds you that you're still in the present. I never really listened to her, but I know it would help you."
"I feel like I could actually sleep now."
"Then, we should sleep. Don't want to be tired with talking to her tomorrow." Rachel stood up and held out her hand. "You know what, I want to be sure you sleep. Come with me."
After turning off the movie and the living room light, she brought me along to the room. She made me lie down between Chloe and her, squeezing me in the middle in some gay sandwich. Familiar.
But somehow, it helped. I never fell asleep faster in my life.
