As always, many thanks to Bookreader525 for her amazing beta-work! You're awesome, dear! ^^
Lance likes to think that his feelings for Pidge changed long before he realized. No, he knows they did. He still remembers the exact moment when he realized, though, the moment burned into his memory forever.
It was after a day of training. They were in the common room, just relaxing, and Pidge removed her helmet. Her hair had grown long again, her locks falling down her shoulders. Her cheeks were still flushed from the training, her eyes sparkling.
It was the moment Lance realized that she meant so much more to him than a friend or a team member. It was the moment he realized he loved her.
And whenever he closes his eyes he can recall the picture of her of that moment. It's with him forever.
He likes to think, though, that his feelings for her changed when she was still wearing her hair short, strangely cut, making her look so much like her brother, some sort of a reminder that she had to find him whenever she looked into the mirror. He likes to think that his feelings for her changed when she was still wearing the glasses she never needed.
No, he knows it. He knows that his feelings for her changed long before he realized. Sometimes, it just takes him too long to realize something important.
It's one of his most pleasant memories of Pidge, this picture of her in his mind when he realized. This moment that changed everything and nothing.
Lance closes his eyes for a few moments. It's still a long ride to the destination of his solo-mission, and he's just too worried about her.
And there she is, so beautiful, so perfect, so needed.
He watches her as long as he dares to, then opens his eyes again. He sighs.
What if something happens to him? Or worse, what if something happens to her? He isn't sure he can handle it. No, he's pretty sure he can't handle it. Even the thought of losing her makes his throat tighten so much that he ends up fighting for air.
But that's what you wanted, he reminds himself. That's what you decided to do.
Oh yes, he remembers, he remembers all too well. The moment he decided that he can't be with her as long as this war is going on, the moment he decided that she means too much for him to be his refuge, to be the only good thing in his life. The moment he decided he wants her to be the best thing among all the other good things in his life.
He decided that long before he confessed his feelings to her, because when he did, it was an accident, a slip, a moment when his feelings for her got the better of him.
They got into a Galra-ambush, and for a moment, it looked like the Green Lion wasn't going to make it, like Pidge was lost. But then she appeared back on their radars, and Lance breathed a sigh of relief, but it wasn't enough to calm him down. Back at the Castle, he rushed to Green's hangar. He needed to know that she was okay, he needed to see her.
Green's mouth opened and Pidge stepped outside as if nothing had happened. And it hadn't. Not really. Things like that had happened so many times before, to him, to the others, to her. They all had their times when it seemed like they wouldn't make it. But this time was the first time after he had realized. And he couldn't hold back anymore. He rushed to her and pulled her into a kiss. It was a sloppy, hasty kiss, and they both were still wearing their helmets which complicated things, but it was their kiss. Their first kiss. Their only kiss.
And then Lance pulled back, looking at her and saying these words he never meant to say as long as they were fighting the Galra.
"I love you!"
And Pidge looked at him, her eyes wide. He thought she'd make fun of him. He wanted her to make fun of him so he could take the easy route out of this. Instead, she said these words that made him want to kiss her again.
"I love you, too!"
But before he could do that, before he could do anything, he could hear the others approaching, so all that was left for him to do was letting go of Pidge. And that's what he did.
Later, he showed up at her room. She was nervous and insecure when she let him in, and heck, he wished so much that what made her act like that was the reason why he was there. She was already stepping closer to him, hesitantly, yet so sure at the same time, and for a moment, he was afraid his body would betray him, but he got it back in line again, placing his hands on Pidge's shoulders to keep her at a distance. Because he knew if he let her come any closer he wouldn't be able to stop himself.
And then he said what he had to say - that it couldn't happen, not now, not as long as this war was going on. Because he loved her too much to be his refuge, the only good thing in his life. And that he wanted her to be the best thing among all the other good things in his life. It felt like he was reciting a poem because he had thought these words so often, had told them to himself so often, a mantra, a warning, a reminder of how much she means to him. Like he needed a reminder for that.
He still remembers the way she lowered her eyes, the way her sigh rang in his ears. He remembers how much he wanted her to contradict him. Hadn't she always contradicted him? This, however, was the first time she didn't. She nodded her head in agreement.
Lance had never hated himself so much in his life before.
