Three attempts on the ship.
One attempt at the hospital.
A batch of glass shards confiscated last week.
Kolyat sat in the darkness of his apartment, reading over the novel-like log of medical reports he received from Shepard and Dr. Bennet. He started with the condition Feron was found in. A full body diagnostic revealed an extensive history of injuries - tissue, bone, and muscle - healed and reinjured. Signs of burns, scales ripped off, bones broken with structural evidence of mending and rebreaks. There were even signs of sexual abuse, tissue torn and healed, along with traces of semen still on him when he was brought on the Normandy.
"Goddess..." Kolyat breathed out in a hiss, his chest cavity feeling as if it wanted to collapse from the shock of what he was reading. Was the report for real? There was even evidence and traces of scar tissue left from the use of electroshock trauma, according to Mordin's analysis.
Feron didn't just experience injuries … he was tortured.
Kolyat felt sick while he forced himself to continue reading about Feron's day to day behavior. Staff found him face down in the shower in the midst of trying to undress, another, he fell from the bed and became violent when approached. He was quiet and withdrawn when the crew first found him, not speaking nor wanting to hold any conversation - telling everyone that came near to 'fuck off' - hissing and growling venomously.
The first attempt - when Feron tried to take his own life - happened as soon as he'd been brought onto the Normandy, he tried to use a scalpel. Traces of blood and scale were found the next day on the pillow and sheets. Mordin's report mused about the reason for failure being the inability to maintain normal functions. Feron would end up with violent shaking from drug withdrawal and severe malnourishment.
Traces of red sand were found in his blood.
He was either an addict, or he was forced to take it.
The second attempt, Feron tried to break into a large stash of opioids. He was restrained immediately and kept in twilight. The third, he almost succeeded, using the IV needle to slash open his wrists and cause a bleed out. Feron's heart stopped for forty-three seconds, close to the 'no return' zone, and luckily his father was on board at the time to donate blood after resuscitation.
Severe Depression and PTSD. Severe nerve damage caused radiating pain throughout his lumbar region and the nerves to his legs, making it almost impossible to support his body.
Despite that, he was also thirty pounds underweight.
Dr. Bennet's notes were a lighter version of Mordin's initial. Feron thwarted all physiatrists assigned to him, being unresponsive and hard to manage, unwilling to open up or speak about anything that pertained to his injuries. He refused physical therapy, he gave doctors a hard time, fought medications and harassed everyone that came near him … goddess, help me. He even tried to break off a piece of the bed, most likely to use as a self-infliction weapon.
A bundle of glass shards was discovered wedged between the monitors. How he got them, no one seemed to know, and they were only discovered when an orderly knocked over a glass of water and needed to move the machines to clean the spill.
He was kept mostly in a state of 'twilight'. A term doctors used to describe the complacid effect of the drugs used to keep him docile and drowsy, making him sleep. The last line of Dr. Bennet's analysis made Kolyat grit his teeth in anger.
Pending confirmation of transfer to Huerta Asylum.
Kolyat tossed the datapad he was reading to the side and dropped his head back onto the couch. Closing his eyes, he sighed deeply and thought about the man he was now responsible for.
They think he's beyond saving. Broken….
Just like I was.
Kolyat stared at the ceiling and let all of his thoughts drown the world away, all of his insecurities, failures, fears and missed opportunities. Things he did and things he shouldn't have done. Was this Arashu's will for further redemption? Thinking back on Feron, Kolyat used his eidetic memory to recount his encounter with the colorful man, wondering if perhaps he missed something he didn't notice before.
The subtle hint of his venom masked beneath alcohol swabs and antiseptic. The golden specks in his irises … despite his less-than-perfect attitude, Kolyat noticed that Feron was really striking to look at. He possessed those rare iridescent scales that melded flawlessly from one color to the next whenever he moved, and it kept you guessing at which color would appear next.
Beautiful actually….
Kolyat pulled himself from his memories and stared at the ceiling again, feeling tired and worn out. Between work, studies and training, his plate was already full. Now to add the complete care of another individual? Someone who's seen the worst of life and lived to deal with the repercussions.
It was a lot to handle.
Kolyat's omnitool signaled an incoming message, and he held his wrist up in the air without moving his head from the couch. When he saw Adam's name flash across the screen, Kolyat smiled in eagerness and pushed himself upright, his stomach doing that flutter effect that had him quickly opening up the chat in excitement.
"I hope you don't think I'm being pushy, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we spoke."
Kolyat grinned as he read the message several times, trying to decide on what he wanted to reveal in return. In truth, he was really into the human man but hadn't gotten a chance to think about him since reading over Feron's reports and going over his own work.
"I'm glad I made an impression on you. Did you find out when you are free?" Kolyat typed back, waiting a few moments to see if Adam would reply.
"Oh, you definitely made an impression. I'm really looking forward to seeing you again."
Kolyat's stomach did a somersault from Adam's quick answer before replying, "When can I see you?"
After a slight pause, Kolyat's omnitool vibrated with Adam's message again. "The day after tomorrow. Let me take you out for breakfast if you're available."
Opening up his schedule, Kolyat saw that his shift didn't start until the afternoon that day. His grin grew impossibly wider and he notified Adam that the time would work. After a few more exchanged sentences, Adam told him to meet at Sun Drop on the Presidium at 0900.
Closing his omnitool, Kolyat dropped his arm down again and let his head fall back on the couch. Feeling the heavy droop of his eyelids he sighed loudly and reached out for the datapad he threw to the side. Despite his happiness at the prospect of seeing Adam he just couldn't get the other drell out of his head. A gnawing, nagging feeling, constantly urged him to keep the man on the forefront of his mind. Picking the pad back up, he opened the program to another one of Feron's file's and stared at his profile picture for a very long while. Kolyat wanted to make sure every detail of him was etched in his memories.
What the hell am I going to do with you?
"How did Feron end up on the Normandy?"
Shepard placed her coffee cup down as Kolyat asked his question, her gaze drifting towards Thane who sat beside them silently sipping his tea. She was quiet for a long while, staring at his father as if he was communicating with her telepathically.
Good luck with that. I never know what he's thinking.
She sighed and looked down at her coffee cup, her vibrant green eyes hardening before she simply answered, "We saved him."
Kolyat waited for several heartbeats for her to elaborate. When he realized she had no intention of continuing her vague response, Kolyat shook his head in annoyance and growled in frustration. Couldn't they even fathom that he was losing sleep over this shit? "Don't bullshit me, Holly. I've read every single one of his files. It's a little bit more than 'we saved him'. I know every detail about the injuries he sustained and everything that occurred on your ship. I also read everything from Huerta Memorial. I deserve to know the whole story. I deserve to know the truth."
Kolyat did his best not to raise his voice, but sometimes he knew his passion got the best of him. Unable to keep the fervor from his trill, he took a deep breath to force himself into calmness. Shifting in his seat he sighed and dropped his head and purred in apology, taking a moment to catch his bearings before rising it back up. The last thing he wanted to do was cause any kind of wedge in the stable relationship he finally established with Shepard and his father.
She stared at him blankly, her impassive expression turned his stomach and threatened to force a rise out of him. Already he could feel the churning in his gut, hating how in the dark he felt with the lack of knowledge about Feron. Something about the questions Kolyat asked made him feel as if whatever information she'd be willing to share, could be the missing link to make him feel more connected to the beautiful, despair filled man, he was forced to be responsible for.
Give me something. Anything at all to make me give a shit and not lock him away so he doesn't become my problem.
Eventually, Shepard spoke, her voice turning gentle but filled with warning. "Are you sure? You're C-Sec now, his past will be considered a conflict of interest."
Conflict of interest? What the hell is she…
"Holly … please." He breathed out through clenched teeth, his palms pressed flat on the table, a tremor of frustration boding right at the edge of his muscles. "His medical charts were too extensive to indicate an injury from a mission … and his mental state … where did you save him from? He was … tortured. What happened to him? I need to know."
"Feron won't want your pity. That won't help him," Holly stated, picking up her coffee cup to take a sip, forcing them into silence until she put her cup back down. "Why should it matter where he came from? He's here now, alive, and in need of your help."
"What help can I possibly give, if I don't understand what he's been through?"
"Siha," Thane spoke up, his gaze focused on Shepard, a frown etched on his lips. His expression was intense but filled with question. Maybe he was trying to figure out what she was thinking, too? By the use of the intimate name he called her, Thane was most likely trying to soften her up.
Shepard looked at Thane and sighed, waiting patiently for him to speak again. Moment's like the one happening between them always showed Kolyat the intensity of their attachment to one another. The love that they shared. Her exhibition of emotion in the depths of her eyes eased as she met Thane's gaze.
Thane's expression softened, his lips forming into a sad smile. "He needs to know. For too long I've kept him apart from my life. That needs to change. I trust him, Holly. Just as you put your trust in me. I will no longer hide from, Kolyat."
Kolyat leaned back in his chair with hesitation, staring at his father in disbelief. Was his father finally saying that he would completely open up to him now? Turning his eyes back on Shepard, Kolyat licked his suddenly dry lips and forced himself to stay on track. "The main doctor wants me to put him in Huerta Asylum."
"What?" Shepard hissed, her eyes narrowing in slow ignited anger, but falling silent as if she was waiting for him to elaborate.
Kolyat knew that was his opening, a way to show them that this wasn't just about curiosity on his part, but a reason to try and understand how Feron ended up the way he did. Violent and detached, uncaring and filled with doubt. Maybe the information would help him in finding an approach when he saw Feron later that day. "The doctor thinks he's a danger not only to himself but everyone around him. I want to prevent that, but I need to make the right decision if this is true."
"What do you think, Kolyat?" Thane asked, his weighted stare penetrating Kolyat right to his soul. "Without the answers, you seek - without the doctors … suggestion. What is your honest opinion?"
Kolyat grew silent, his thoughts drifting to his only encounter with the man so far, the medical notes and what he observed when Feron was speaking with the doctor about his physical therapy and hopes of walking again. Feron was in anguish, and he was forcing himself not to appear as if he was. That alone showed Kolyat just how incredibly strong and brave he perceived the man to be. If Feron could just find some hope … if Kolyat could just give him something to prove his life was still worth living than maybe … "I don't want to do that … but I am still worried Feron might hurt himself. I am taking his guardianship seriously, and I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't at least consider placing him in Huerta Asylum."
"Feron's not crazy … he's just lost himself in the moment." Shepard said before taking a deep breath as if she finally decided on something. "I died, Kolyat."
"What?" Kolyat blinked, almost doing a double take as he brought his full attention to Shepard. "I don't understand."
"Those two years that I was reported MIA, I was actually dead. I didn't survive the crash of the original Normandy. I was sucked into space while saving my crew members and I suffocated to death."
Kolyat shifted in his chair in disbelief, his mouth dropping slightly while he glanced at his father to see if this was some sort of test. Was she being serious? Thane's face held no deceit or refusal of Shepard's words. He simply nodded and waited for her to continue.
"Feron and my friend Liara were the ones who saved me. Originally, my body was found by the Shadow Broker, who was going to sell my remains to the Collectors."
"Why?" Kolyat choked out, bile rising in his throat at the thought of someone defiling her body after she went to the sea. "What did the Collectors want with your … body?"
"Fuck if I know." Shepard shook her head, sucking her teeth in clear disgust. "I don't even want to think about it, but Feron is the real reason I'm not rebuilt as some monster or sitting in a test tube somewhere."
Kolyat remained silent, almost mystified by what she started to reveal to him. Thane and Holly spoke to him several times about the Collectors and Protheans - even the Reapers - but never anything close to what she was admitting.
"Feron was the ticket in. He worked for the Shadow Broker - was actually one of the top agents for information trading. When he found out his employer started working with the Collector's, he betrayed the Shadow Broker. Unfortunately, Feron and Liara were under attack when they tried to escape, and Feron sacrificed himself - stayed behind to provide a distraction so Liara could make it out with my remains. She delivered my body to Cerberus. They were the ones who rebuilt me and brought me back to life and Feron … Feron was captured."
Shepard dropped her gaze to her coffee, her thumb rubbing back and forth over the rim of the cup. "Instead of killing Feron, the Shadow Broker turned him into an example of what would happen if anyone else betrayed him. He was held prisoner … and tortured … for two years. Eventually, Liara was able to locate him and came to me for help. Thane was with me when we found him. Feron was … he was in bad shape when we brought him onboard."
Kolyat had no voice. The information felt overwhelming. Shepard was alive because of Feron. Feron tried to give his life, so she could live again. From their first meeting, Feron didn't seem like the type to believe in anything to the point of self-sacrifice. He seemed so lost, so fragile, so … broken.
No … not broken. He let himself believe his life is no longer needed.
Beautiful and strong.
At least that's how I'm starting to see him.
He was tortured for two years straight and survived. Feron wanted to live, he just needed a reason to hold on. Kolyat was starting to think that maybe they were meant to meet after all. Shepard saved his father - Shepard saved Kolyat. In return … Kolyat would try to save the one who saved her.
"Please," Shepard continued, pulling him from his thoughts, her eyes darkened with the intensity of whatever thoughts still haunted her. "Help him, Kolyat … I can't help but feel responsible for what happened to him."
"Holly," Kolyat tried to start, his throat feeling dry and his voice weaker than he meant it to be. "I can't promise anything, but I'll do everything that I can for him."
She stared at him for a long moment, her deep stare penetrating him down to his soul as if she was weighing the sincerity or truth of his words. He meant it. He didn't know how, but he would do what he could. Finally, when Kolyat guessed she found what she was looking for, Shepard nodded several times in succession before her gaze dropped to dark liquid in her cup. "That's all I can ask for."
Feron stared at the ceiling, the remnants of dreamless sleep made him feel groggy and left his body with the weight of concrete. He shook his head and tried to concentrate, forcing himself to be cognizant of himself. The shadow of non-being slipped into the gray world of his reality as he felt the drugs diminish in his system.
How long did they put me out this time?
Feron glanced around at the monitors and tried to locate the time, the indicators missing from the corners of the screens. Fuckers really want to keep me in the dark. Snorting in distaste, he twisted and got ready to pull himself up, only to get thwarted the moment he tried. Sucking in a sharp pant, Feron felt the pressure on his wrists and the restraints tied to the bed. He felt his hands pinned to his sides, and immediately the phantom pressure pushed against his chest as dread filled his lungs from being held down. Panic rose in his throat and blinded his thoughts as his breaths started to come out fast and shallow.
Hospital - I'm in the hospital. Not a cell. The brokers dead. I'm in a hospital. Hospital. Hospital. The brokers dead-
Feron chanted over and over, but he lost it while the restraints tightened further around his wrists the more he tried to writhe his hands free. A memory tumbling from his lips…
"Again."
Eyes clamped shut, the detached voice echoes in the darkness. Chest on fire, the acrid smell of burning flesh fills my nostrils. My stomach rolls with nausea, pain, and sickness forces me to gag. The knowledge of the burning flesh being my own, the contents of my stomach spill. I spit and choke, rolling my head back to catch my breath, my raw and bloody scales straining against the metal bands on my wrists.
Fire touches my chest again and I scream in agony. Fresh burning skin wafting in the smoke coming from my body. Blisters and boils bubbling on my side. I can't get away, I can't move. 'Kill me. Just kill me. Please, stop.'
The metal rod is pulled away and I am left crying, my body hanging limply from the metal restraints, arms stretched painfully above me. Feet barely touching the floor. The torment is unbearable. I try to force my swollen eyes open. 'Just kill me, already."
"He doesn't want you to die, Feron. He wants you to suffer. You will feel every second of your betrayal."
A pause before the voice says, "Again."
The metal rod hits my skin once more. I scream in anguish, my throat raw, the taste of metal coating my -
"Feron?" A voice called from the present.
Feron gasped and pulled himself from the memory, his mind still feeling muddled as he glanced around, trying to place himself and the sound he heard.
It's not real. It's not….
Hospital. I'm in the Hospital. The brokers dead. It's not real….
His vision was blurry, unable to see past the phantoms that haunted him. Feron grit his teeth and closed his eyes, a frustrated grunt left his throat when he tried to move his hands again. Moisture falling from his eyes in exasperation. Panic rising once more.
He's dead. He's dead. He's-
"Feron," the voice called again, this time stern and commanding.
Feron's eyes snapped open, a loud gasp escaping his throat when he sensed the presence in the doorway of his room. He blinked both sets of eyelids in rapid succession, desperate to gain some clarity and place himself. The shimmer of teal and blue helped him stabilize and pulled him from the bowels of the ghosts that ripped at his mind.
Focus on the color. He's dead. Hospital. Turquoise….
"Kolyat," Feron stated, his mind finally grabbing roots at the moment, clawing their way from the muck of his subconscious. His shallow breath's stabilized, the quick rise and fall of his chest evening out while the terror started to subside.
Kolyat took a step forward into his room and out of the threshold of the doorway, his dark gaze fathomless, but surprisingly free of any judgment. Not that Feron cared anyway, despite the fact that he was grateful for the focal point Kolyat's scales provided, keeping him momentarily grounded and rooted in the present.
Beautiful actually….
"So," Feron began, licking his dry, cracked lips, coughing to clear his parched throat. Lifting his head from the pillow, he stared at Kolyat and forced a lascivious grin to his lips, doing his best to hide the terror from moment's prior. "You changed your mind? Are you going to strip for me after all? I don't have any music, you'll have to improvise."
Feron let his head drop back to the pillow but tilted his head so he could keep eye contact with Kolyat, ignoring the fact that Feron knew Kolyat would pick up on the panicked expression still on his face. Feron tried to move his hands again and his chest rose in rapid sequence when a tremor brushed against his nerves.
Focus … turquoise … hospital….
Kolyat grabbed the chair by the door with one hand and lifted the furniture to bring it closer to him. Once he right at Feron's bedside he dropped the chair and moved to remove his jacket from his shoulders.
"Go slow," Feron smiled, noticing Kolyat hesitate and eye him carefully. "I like a good tease."
Frowning, Kolyat ran his eyes over Feron, his gaze lingering on his hands before they drifted up to his face. Clear disapproval etched upon his features. Feron felt a brush of amusement caress his insides, a snicker about to be released until Kolyat unexpectedly asked, "What did they give you this time?"
Feron faltered, a spark of surprise rendering him momentarily speechless. Kolyat wasn't upset by his comment? Surely he didn't actually give a shit about the state he was in, did he?
I won't let you fool me. You're a prisoner of the circumstance … just like me.
Forcing the lecherous grin back to his lips, Feron purred in an attempt to beguile the other man. "A date rape drug. I think the new nurse has a crush on me."
Kolyat blatantly ignored him and dropped his jacket on the arm of the chair before moving across Feron's vision towards the furthest monitor. Pressing the indicators he scrolled through several screens before his signature frown - at least that's what Feron was starting to think he was only capable of - appeared back on his full pouty lips.
"Haloperidol," Kolyat mumbled, barely audible. Lifting his hand Kolyat opened his omnitool, most likely looking up whatever the drug was.
All Feron knew was that it knocked him the-fuck-out, fast. "I don't know what that is," he answered, although he knew Kolyat wasn't actually looking for an answer from him.
Closing his omnitool, Kolyat looked up at him and then went back to the chair before he turned to him and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't say anything at first, only glared with penetrating force. The sweep of Kolyat eyes over his body caused heat to rise up to Feron's frills, but he couldn't pinpoint whatever emotion Kolyat was making him feel in the moment.
"They give it to people who experience psychosis," Kolyat said. He closed his mouth and frowned again, taking a deep breath. "Did something happen last night?"
Feron could feel all the emotion leave him with Kolyat's question. Cold emptiness filled his lungs back up as the drugs left his system in close entirety. He turned his face away and remained silent, unwilling to share how out of control things became the evening before. The night nurse, trying to be courteous to his struggle in sitting up, had placed her hands on Feron's shoulder and wrist, and with her touch, the phantom lashes made him lose himself in terror. Nightmares, memories, and reality, ended up crashing together, forcing his mind to perceive the nurse as an active threat. He tried everything in his power to get away from her, and in the end, he thought he might've shoved her accidentally. He remembered tumbling out of bed though, and orderlies coming in to hold him down, which made things escalate until someone jabbed a needle into his neck.
Darkness swallowed him a second later.
"Feron, you can talk to me. I want to help you. I want-"
"Shhhh." Feron interrupted Kolyat, tilting his head and slipped his eyes closed as if he was hearing something. "Do you hear that?"
Kolyat fell quiet and looked around. He dropped his head and froze as if he was concentrating on finding the source of the sound that Feron claimed to hear. After a few moments of silence, Kolyat looked up and purred at Feron in question, obviously not hearing anything.
But that was the point.
Grinning maliciously, Feron opened his eyes and narrowed his gaze at Kolyat, returning his purr with an edge of rudeness. "Always better when a Krios just shuts the fuck up, don't you think?" Feron had to force the laugh out of his throat when rage entered Kolyat's features, his nostrils flared and his frills slightly swelled.
I don't want your help. Take the hint.
Another moment and Kolyat unexpectedly grinned, his eyes lighting up with amusement while he shook his head slowly in denial. Leaning back in his chair, Kolyat huffed and glanced away, and much to Feron's surprise, stayed silent for several long minutes. Kolyat's smile slowly disappeared, his gaze growing distant and filled with thoughts Feron hated himself for wanting to know.
Was he pushing enough button's for Kolyat to take the hint and just leave him the fuck alone?"
Dropping his head back onto his pillow, Feron stared at the ceiling for a long while. Kolyat didn't leave nor did he make any other sound. Just sat next to him just like Thane would sometimes do. An unwelcome presence.
Fucking Krios'. Doesn't Kolyat have a woman to occupy his time or something?
"Do you want to sit up?" Kolyat finally spoke, his voice gentle and filled with warmth.
Turning his head, Feron stared at Kolyat for several heartbeats, trying to read the man who was now more of a mystery than before. Any normal person would've already kicked Feron to the curb. Stormed out and cursed back at him. Everyone at the hospital paid him no mind anymore, and just brushed him aside as a lost cause. There was no way Kolyat was any different than the rest. Feron spent almost his whole life seeing the worst of people, the greed, the cruelty … the betrayals. Kolyat was here by force. It was just a matter of time before his true colors were shown, too.
"I thought you were going to stay quiet? You're interrupting me from planning my run away. Or have you come here to break me out - oh great powerful legal guardian?"
"Hard to run when they have you in restraints." Kolyat quipped without missing a beat.
Feron growled in anger, but the mention of the bands brought him crashing right back down to the awareness of the tightened pressure on his wrists. Balling his hands into fists Feron tried to pull - as inconspicuous as possible - at the cuffs around himself. He felt his throat tightened again, and Feron forced a deep pull of air into his lungs to try and starve off the dread that sat on his chest like a sinking boulder upon him.
Movement from Kolyat caught his attention, and his gaze stayed fixated on the turquoise scaled man. Something dark passed over Kolyat's features, something Feron had trouble deciphering as Kolyat pushed himself to the edge of his seat and slowly reached out towards him. Feron sucked in a sharp breath as he watched Kolyat's hands approach, instinct kicking in automatically which made Feron pull away and grunt in distress when he was pinned in place by the restraints.
Don't touch me. Don't. Don't do it. Don't….
"Please," Feron whimpered on the verge of a beg. His teeth grinding together as his body trembled in fear of Kolyat's touch. It was too much. Between last night and now. Feron's mind was exhausted. Couldn't Kolyat see how tired he was? "Please…."
Kolyat froze in mid-motion, his hands held palm up for Feron to see. A soothing purr before he whispered, "Easy." Just loud enough to be heard within Feron's budding terror that deafened his mind. "I know you have no reason to, but trust me, Feron. Watch my hands. Just keep breathing. I'll go slow"
Feron's breaths picked up speed, but he swallowed thickly and took deep pulls as he watched Kolyat's hands inch forward like the poisoned fangs of a demon. Eventually, one hand reached the remote, just out of reach of Feron's fingertips that controlled the motion of the bed. Kolyat pushed the control so Feron could grasp it just before Kolyat's fingers brushed over the restraints. Feron hissed on instinct, another tremor wracked his body, causing pain to flair over his spine and force him to groan in pain.
"Listen to my voice, Feron. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to touch you. Trust me. Just breathe for me."
Kolyat's voice was calm and quiet, and he purred again in a soothing manner trying to coax him into tranquility. Every muscle was tense, every nerve ending aware of Kolyat's movements. Feron didn't want to, hated himself even worse for how weak he was, but he begged Kolyat again, tears welling his eyes when he tried to pull free once more and failed.
"Breathe, Feron. Breathe. In and out. Take deep breaths. I'm not going to touch you," Kolyat insisted again. "I promise."
Feron tried to do as he was told, sucking in large amounts of air and expelled them slowly. He did everything in his power to slow his frantic heartbeat, to push down the anxiety that wanted to drown him. He kept his gaze on Kolyat's fingers as they brushed over the restraint again. His long, slender digits, slipped beneath the lip of the strap and languidly pushed it through the loop, just enough for the buckle to give and slip off Feron's wrist. Kolyat quickly pulled his hands back and held them palm up for him to see. Kolyat purred again soothingly and sat back in his chair, his eyes fixated on Feron's free, exposed wrist, and the scars that wrapped around the entirety of it.
When the blue male moved away and the band released from one of Feron's hands, the relief that hit him was enough to choke Feron to the point of tears. With one of his hands free, Feron immediately reached for the other strap and removed the restraint from his scales, a sound of alleviation escaping from deep within his throat.
Feron yanked his arms to his stomach, his hands twisting to allow his fingers to rub at the scars on both of his wrists held against his body. Panic slowly subsided, and he stared at Kolyat in surprise, who turned his head and gaze away, as if to give him privacy.
Kolyat was silent again for a long while and Feron studied the turquoise man in confusion. There was no way the doctors wouldn't have told Kolyat about everything that transpired in the hospital. If Kolyat was smart, he would've asked for Feron's medical charts and history. He was a cop after all, didn't they have an innate ability to ask questions and become overly annoying? Why would he take the restraints off?
You're trying to trick me. You're trying to-
"You don't like to be touched, do you?" Kolyat asked, his gaze falling back to Feron languidly as he pushed the rise button on his controller, pushing the back of the bed up to a sitting position. "Is that what happened last night? Did someone accidentally touch you and it sent you into a panic? Did you lose yourself in a memory like …" Kolyat shook his head and huffed in clear annoyance. "I told them not to touch you."
Don't you dare fucking pretend you give a shit about me.
Feron felt himself start to lose it, his body shaking on the verge of rage. How dare Kolyat come back like he suddenly wanted to be friends. He didn't want his help … his pity….Gritting his teeth, Feron growled low and feral. "Leave … I want you to leave."
He saw the confusion enter Kolyat's features because of his demand. Narrowing his eyes, Kolyat shook his head vehemently. "I can't … I won't," he answered in uncompromising sternness. "My father thinks-"
"I don't give a shit what your father thinks." Feron interrupted him, hissing with defiance. "Thane needs to mind his own fucking business and shove his face between Shepard's legs or something. I don't want to hear anything he has to say. Or you."
Kolyat closed his mouth, a painful expression taking the place of the determination he projected a moment prior. Feron growled in anger, waiting for Kolyat to finally get up and leave him be.
"How could you say that?" Kolyat finally rose his eyes to meet Feron's after another round of silence between them. Feron growled again to reply, but Kolyat's raised voice forced him into muteness, surprising him with the passion that Kolyat projected as he continued to speak. "After everything you did for her? All that you endured? What about everything she did to save you? Are you trying to tell me it means nothing to you? The sacrifices experienced on both sides!"
"I never asked to be saved!" Feron yelled back. "She was supposed to get away and I was supposed to die! She should've just gave up on me. I was supposed to die … I thought he would just kill me … I thought …" The tears welled in his eyes and Feron couldn't hold back the despair from flowing over the edges. Balling his hands into fists he turned his palms over and covered his eyes with his closed hands, his cries unable to be contained, the floodgates breaking open.
I shouldn't even be alive. This pain is too much. I'm not right anymore. I'll never be right. I just want the pain to stop. Just please, make it stop.
Kalahira, goddess of inscrutable depths-"
He heard his name being called several times through the thick fog around his mind, a kind purr of soothing intention peeking through the dark clouds. Wearily he lifted his head, blue turquoise so close, he thought he would be able to taste the oceans of Kahje. Kolyat moved closer, right at the edge of Feron's bed, but kept enough distance to show he wouldn't touch him. Feron felt tired and so ashamed of losing himself like he did - of acting out the way he did. It was the first time since being free, that someone finally raised their voice back at him. The first time someone tried to get him to see something other than pity, dismissal and bother, hushed voices and sympathetic looks.
I'll never feel whole again. I just want it to end.
"Feron ... I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, of what you might be feeling or going through in your mind … but I…." Kolyat purred remorsefully and looked down, his elbows resting on his knees, hands clasping together as he rested his forehead on his knuckles for a moment before raising his gaze to look at Feron once more. "I know what it feels like when you think the world is about to swallow you whole, and everything around you feels like a dream that only creates shadows and gray. You feel like a bother, and you think you would only be better off dead, too."
Kolyat sighed and glanced away, and Feron remained quiet staring at the stranger before him. The man responsible for his life. Thane's son … and he listened. Feron couldn't speak because he felt so exhausted, but curiosity seeped through his inner obscurity, and for brief flicker, he felt something other than despondency.
He felt like maybe…
"What's going on here?" A voice pulled both of their attentions towards the doorway. Dr. Bennet stood in the threshold with all his red-faced, pudgy glory.
Feron frowned and looked away, unable to pull his resolve in enough to deal with the unwanted visitor. The judgment was clear in the human's eyes. His gaze narrowing and moving rapidly between Kolyat and himself, Feron's free wrists and the monitors showing Feron's elevated heart rate and stress levels.
"You took his restraints off?" Dr. Bennet accused. "Did you listen to anything I explained yesterday? Mr. Takai is a threat to himself and-"
"Your staff is a threat to him." Kolyat cut the doctor off rising from his chair. Bennet puffed his cheeks and glanced at Feron again as Kolyat turned and made his way towards the human man.
Feron was silent as he watched them with a sense of detached numbness. Leaning back against his pillows, he turned his head and stared at the wall, not caring about anything anyone decided to do to him. He heard Kolyat whisper to the doctor, sensed them leave the room and go into the hall, and for a long time he was left alone with his thoughts.
Closing his eyes, Feron fought against the memories from resurfacing, from slipping back into the day he decided to sacrifice himself on a split second decision of madness, allowing Liara a chance to escape. Faintly he could recall the taste of blood on his lips, Tazzik's hands around his throat, the struggle for his gun.
'After everything you did for her.'
He had turned his world upside down for a woman he never met, just for the possibility of her saving the galaxy.
When did I become such a dreamer?
"Feron…."He heard Kolyat call his name.
Turning his head just a fraction, Feron glanced at Kolyat, his gaze slipping behind him to see the human doctor standing close behind. Dr. Bennet reached into his pocket and took out a small tube and bottle, a syringe housed within the clear package.
I guess it's time to go back to sleep.
"Dr. Bennet thinks I caused you too much stress, especially after your … mistreatment last night." Kolyat turned to glance back at Bennet who frowned and refused to meet Kolyat's eyes. "He wants to give you more haloperidol, but I don't-"
"Just let them do it." Feron cut him off without care, his voice low and empty of fight, but Kolyat fell silent regardless. "I don't care."
"You don't have to take it. I can tell them not to give it to you."
Feron blinked up at the other man, the emotion in his voice hard to miss. Feron felt like crying again. He didn't want anyone to show him any kind of warmth, any kind of friendship or care. He wanted to be forgotten. Didn't anyone understand it hurt too much to feel? "Just leave me. I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep now."
Kolyat hesitated and took a step towards him and Feron felt anger start to well up within his chest. What the hell was with this guy? Feron growled in warning and Kolyat froze, a deep breath releasing before his gaze drifted away. "Ok. Fine. If that's what you want."
"So you're going to finally leave?" Feron asked, Bennet using that moment to move around Kolyat and head to his IV line. He wondered how long the doctor would wait before he put the restraints back in place. If he was smart, he would do it after he was put to sleep.
"You want me to stay?" Kolyat rose an eyeridge in interest.
"You really are a pervert if you do. First, you think I'm a child. Now you want to watch me sleep. What else gets you off?"
Kolyat snorted and sucked his teeth, their eyes meeting, and this time, neither looked away. Kolyat smiled faintly, a slight quirk of his full pouty lips that unexpectedly made Feron's heart miss a beat. His eyes lit up briefly, a blue shimmer just caught beneath his black ocular scales. "I'll be back tomorrow."
Feron frowned at the tightness in his chest, not liking whatever the fuck emotion this man was making him feel. "Fuck off," he answered, already feeling the pull of sleep on his body from the drug.
The last thing he saw was Kolyat's smile grow wider and the hint of color take over as dreams surrounded him in forced slumber.
