ZA: So Draco is dying and Harry is stuck in the past, but everyone thinks Harry is dead. Also, Draco isn't really dying, he's just going to be killed when Voldius Moldius finds out that Harry is "dead." In short, Draco is doomed.
Crispy: Not that Voldie doesn't want Harry dead. He just wants to be the author of that particular DIY YouTube video.
ZA: "Wormtail! Are you getting this? Zoom in! No! In! I want you to have this edited in time to upload it to my channel tonight. And have you subscribed to me yet? Why not? Do you not enjoy my cat videos?"
"But, Master, that's Nagini wearing cat ears and whiskers."
Crispy: "She's cosplaying. That's a thing, isn't it?"
Blaise Zabini: Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter.
Crispy: That's it? You know it's all right to ad lib a bit, right?
BZ: I have better things to do than cater to the whims of fools.
Crispy: I feel insulted. Do you feel insulted?
ZA: Ehhhh...I choose not to care. His opinion doesn't matter in the long run. He's only a tertiary character.
BZ: What's that? Tertiary? Me?
"Speech"
'Thoughts'
Parseltongue
Chapter 3: Every Dark Cloud Has a Silver Lining
"Pansy, we need to talk," said Draco.
Pansy whispered something to her giggly friends as she peeled away to follow Draco down an empty corridor. She gazed up at him through her disturbingly false eyelashes ('Really, they're like tarantula legs!') as she sidled up close to him in the alcove, her french manicured talons digging into his arm. "What is it, Snookiemuffin?"
Draco didn't bother to suppress the violent shudder that usually overcame him whenever Pansy's voice dropped into what she had once laughingly referred to as the "siren song register". One of the muggleborns from Ravenclaw had compared it to Arnold Schwarzensomething, whoever that was. When Draco asked, the Ravenclaw had gone on to describe at length some sort of demon from the future that hunted pregnant muggles. Yeah, that seemed pretty accurate.
"I told you, I'm not your Snookiemuffin," Draco snapped. "What does that even mean? No, nevermind. Don't speak. I have something very important to tell you, and I need you to pay very close attention to everything that comes out of my mouth in the next 60 seconds." 'Dear Merlin, don't let this take longer than 60 seconds.' "Now, Pansy -"
"Wait, Draco," Pansy interrupted with a patient look. "Shouldn't you be kneeling for this?"
"What on earth for?" Draco was confused.
"Not that it matters. The answer is yes - always yes."
"Oh!" Draco looked relieved. "That was easier than I thought it would be. All right then. It's not you, it's me...you'll find someone better someday...or at least more deserving...Oh! And here's a box with all your stuff in it. You know, the little notes and things that you've given me that I don't have to keep anymore." Draco handed a very perplexed Pansy a large box overflowing with frilly, flower-scented letters and knickknacks.
"Draco," she mumbled. "What is all this?"
"It's a breakup box. Why? Haven't you ever received one before? They're traditional for situations such as ours."
…
"YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME? HOW DARE YOU! I'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING, YOU...YOU...YOU...MOULTING PEACOCK!" Pansy seemed to be more upset about this than she'd led him to believe.
"Now, Pansy, there's no need to shout. I thought you were expecting this. It's quite logical, really. We don't belong together. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to you to stay together now that I'm going to die." Draco nodded once, decisively, before making a speedy retreat. He was sure she would need time alone to pull herself together and come to terms with the new reality of their relationship.
"FREEEEEDOM!" Draco's jubilant shouts preceded him as he ran through the corridors of the castle, arms wide, grin even wider. "Freedom! I'm free! I'm freeeeeeee! Existence has never tasted so sweet. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, and the Hufflepuffs are even Hufflepuffier than ever! And no, I don't know what that means, but I don't care! I'm free!"
Ron stared in shock as Malfoy skipped happily through the crowd of students, hugging random passersby.
"What's gotten into him?" Hermione wondered aloud.
Ron growled. "Isn't it obvious? He's rejoicing now that Harry is gone. It's Malfoy's dream come true, the git." He reached for his wand, intending to send a nasty hex in the oblivious Slytherin's direction, but Hermione grabbed his arm.
"No, you don't," she warned. "I'm not losing points because Malfoy's an insensitive jerk. We're above petty revenge."
Ron glared at her. "You may be, but I'm not." Raising his wand, he prepared to make Malfoy eat slugs. Halfway through the incantation, however, his line of sight was blocked by a rabid Pansy Parkinson.
"Draco! Draco, it's all right. We can talk about this. You don't have to suffer alone. I'll stand by you and hold your hand and be your shining light in the darkness!" Pansy was clinging to the robes of a struggling Draco, paying no mind to the flailing limbs that attempted to propel their master away from her. Draco finally managed to worm his way out of his outer robe, leaving it and his hysterical ex behind.
"As I was saying, FREEEEEEEEDOM!"
"Oh dear," said Hermione, watching a slug-puking Pansy slowly come to the realization that the robes in her clutches were now empty. "I think Malfoy just broke up with Pansy. Poor thing. I wonder what prompted him to do that."
Ron looked incredulous. "Seriously? I'm wondering what took him so long."
"He's contractually obligated to date her." Ron and Hermione turned to see Neville standing behind them, watching the proceedings with a calm, knowing air. "The Malfoys and Parkinsons drew up the betrothal agreement right after Pansy was born. Their relationship was inevitable and inescapable unless Malfoy renounced his inheritance. I'm wondering what caused him to throw his ambition and greed to the wind and seek a freedom that will no doubt incite the anger of two powerful families. They'll be back together in a week. See you at dinner, then." Neville walked off in the direction of Gryffindor tower, leaving his two friends even more bewildered than before.
Blaise finally found Draco in the astronomy tower, gazing out in wonder at the beauty of the world. "There you are. You need to get to the infirmary right away. Pansy is vomiting slugs and crying. The only word we can make out is your name. Now, be the dutiful boyfriend and go hold the rubbish bin under her face or something."
"I don't have to be the dutiful boyfriend anymore, Blaise," Draco sighed. "I'm a free man. I've broken it off with Pansy."
"You're joking," Blaise said slowly.
"No, I gave her the box and everything. She was good about it at first, but then she experienced some sort of delayed reaction. I thought it best to give her some time alone to sort things out."
Blaise stared at Draco for a long moment. "Are you insane? Why would you do that?"
"It was your idea," Draco pointed out.
"Mine?" Blaise looked panicked.
"Yes, it was at the top of my bucket list," Draco explained. "I thought I'd start with something that would be quick and result in immediate gratification. It was good thinking. Now I'll need some help with item number two."
Blaise shook his head. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around item number one. Wait. What's item number two?"
"Rebelling," said Draco. "I've heard that all teenagers do it, but I have no idea how to go about it. Where do I begin? What do I do? What do I say? What do I wear? What's my motivation?"
Blaise sighed. "Only you would make such a simple thing so complicated. Just think of what your parents want you to do and then do the opposite."
Draco brightened. "Great! I've already started then. They wanted me to marry Pansy, and I broke up with her. Now, what else can I do?"
"Let's table that one for a moment and look at item number three," Blaise suggested.
"I want a bicycle," said Draco. "A red one. First bicycles are always red."
"What on earth is a bicycle?" Blaise wanted to know.
"It's a human-powered muggle mode of transportation. You sit on it and use your legs to turn these gears that rotate the wheels and propel the whole thing forward. And it has a little bell to announce your approach, and sometimes there's a basket to put things in. I want one with a basket. Do you know any muggleborns that would help me acquire a bicycle?"
Blaise looked up into the sky for another long moment. Then he sighed and turned to Draco. "All right. Why not? We'll get you a bicycle. My life was getting dull anyway."
